scars, yeah, she's got her scars

The candlelight vigil for my dear friend was perfect. Faces glowing amongst the candles flickering, stories told, tears shed and laughter ensued. Together, united, we all stood around the gravesite in a circle remembering the life of someone who touched each of our hearts. It was a cold October evening but the unity, stories and ambiance of the candlelight could keep even the coldest soul, warm. Strength comes in numbers and it was proven that night. All problems are set aside, age is insignificant and we all come together in a pain we each share, to keep the memory alive and to help each other heal through tears, joy and hope. Its a beautiful thing, to be a able to turn pain, into pride.

*****

I've been better at temping this month and lo and behold, what is this you ask? CH's on my chart! It means I most likely ovulated this month, I hadn't thought I had been and I'm still not entirely convinced as the post-o temps are still fairly low, but even a light O, is better than no O. this life theory goes for both types of O's if you catch my drift! We did have a little baby making action around the time I received CH's, so who knows! I am in no way getting my hopes up, I know how this goes and my last few months have been wishy-washy with short LP's. Its nice to think though, that it would be a miracle to 'unexpectetly' get pregnant after two years of trying.

*******

It may have been the cold meds that I'm taking to kick this cold, but I just had the most random e-chat with a customer service rep from the Halloween shop I bought my costume from, its also proof that I’m not an adult but it was too awesome not to share!

Hi, My name is JASON, what can I help you with today?

Stacy: Really? Is your name really Jason?

JASON: Yes. Why do you ask?

Stacy: I just figure most people who do these 24 hour online service things are from like India or something. No offense if you are actually from India or something.

JASON: None taken. Is there something I can help you with?

Stacy: So…you are from India. Oh, yes. I ordered a costume last week and never received a shipment email and I need it by the 28^th. Oh, and I don’t have my order number.

JASON: What is the order name?

Stacy: Hannibal Lector

Stacy: Just kidding. I bet you get that a lot being a Halloween costume store and all. It’s actually Stacy Morrison.

JASON: One moment, while I retrieve your information.

JASON: We do have your order information, it was received on 10/20 and it looks like it was refunded the same day.

Stacy: I’m not sure why it was refunded, I never cancelled it?

JASON: It shows you should have received a notice via email about your credit card not being accepted.

Stacy: Are you judging me right now because my credit card was not accepted?

JASON: No ma’am.

Stacy: Because some jackwagon stole my credit card number last week and bought what I’m assuming was $300 in Redskins gear.

JASON: I’m sorry to hear of that.

Stacy: Anyway, I check my email daily and never got anything.

JASON: I’m sorry of that also, this is what was sent: *sends copy of email*

Stacy: So basically I need to reorder in hopes that I get it by Friday so I can win a costume party as Minnie Mouse?

JASON: I wish I had better news for you but it seems that is what you will need to do. We offer three day shipping for $8.99 that will get it to you by the 28^th.

Stacy: I mean, that’s pretty much my only option at this point.

JASON: Touche.

Stacy: Are you even real? I bet you’re a robot named Jason.

JASON: I can assure you, I’m not. Is there anything else I can do for you today Ms. Morrison?

Stacy: A real robot wouldn’t tell me he was a robot anyway.

JASON: Well, if there is nothing else I can do for you, thank you for ordering!

Stacy: I’m in an office all day by myself. I bet this is your best day having a conversation with Hannibal Lector!

JASON: Have a happy Halloween!

Stacy: Do they have classes that like, teach you to send nice responses to belligerent/awesome people? I’m pretty sure if I was you, I would like talking to people in the USA.

 --
JASON is no longer available

Asshole.

We've got a busy weekend planned, a costume party Friday, (which by the way I landed on Minnie Mouse this year and Lily stood her ground on bumble bee) and the pumpkin patch followed by carving on Saturday. Its going to be a crisp fall weekend, one that you'll need to come home from picking out the perfect pumpkin to making up some hot chocolate while you watch pumpkin seeds glow in the oven.

hitting walls and getting scars, makes you who you are

I have a tendency to dwell on the past, relive moments and try to pick them apart and understand how each one molded me into the person I am. I tend to smoke the emotional crack pipe. I tend to tie smells and material things to people. I hate really floral smells or flower galleries, they all remind me of funerals and pain. Bustin' out the pumpkin spice candles to commemerate the begining of fall. The smell of coffee brewing reminds me of days when I was pregnant with Lily, that I would meet dad in the mornings before work. Vanilla Bean Frap's with extra caramel remind me of simpler days and a dear friend. Diesel trucks give me goosebumps. I am a firm believer that each person you encounter in life, is for a reason, that good things fall apart so better things can come together. I believe I find my strength in pain.  I am no longer burdened. My will, my faith and my body have been challenged but make no mistake, my heart is strong and my resolve to fight will never be broken.  Don't regret, if it's good, it wonderful. If it's bad, its experience. I know I have a tough few days, weeks, maybe months in front of me. I know I'm already on the path to a better me, a better wife and friend. I'm learning to wait out the storm with the people that mean the most to me. I'm learning just exactly who I am. I've made a mess of me, the person I've been lately ain't who I want to me, but you stay right here beside me and watch as the storm blows through, and I need you. A new me, a new chapter. Said leaf turning, starts now.

Had CD 21 blood work yesterday, er CD 28 for me because we all know how utterly awesome my ovaries are. I see a distinct shift in my chart so maybe I did ovulate this month, I should have those results today or Monday. This trip to the OB was the same as all the others--preggo's, sonograms floating around, happy smiling faces. I do my best to bury my head in my phone, even if I'm just looking at the same facebook posts over and over again, beats the hell out of looking through a pregnancy magazine. Blood work appointments are pretty fast, in and out in a couple minutes usually. When I'm leaving the office and walk out of the door back into the waiting room, where everyone stares you down for a baby bump, sometimes I pretend that the blood work was for a pregnancy test, maybe other people wonder that too, or maybe I'm just crazy. I'm not denying the fact that I'm crazy, btw. Work is still consuming my life and between the infertility and extreme loneliness, I've ditched the pretend cats and traded them for a parrot, a cool parrot named Lewis. I'm just kidding, but really, if I start talking about how Lewis shits everywhere and I'm sick of cleaning it up, for the love of god save me. It's Friday, its a gorgeous morning, one of those morning that reminds you that fall, is just around the corner. For some reason, you can't help but be happy on these mornings, even with all that's going on in life. The coffee is a little better, the sun is a little brighter and the little in the backseat welcoming the morning rays, is a little sweeter.

Sweet jesus Lewis, hold yourself together.

Bring on life, happy weekend friends!

every day I'm hustlin'

Ovulation. Your hormones, ferimones, all your 'mones have done their job, your egg (a shriveled up pea as I envision mine) has made its way down your fabulous fallopian tubes and has with any luck been felt up by one of some 75 million motile sperm, so long as my withered cervix allowed their entry, we know what a bitch she is. We wait, we wait another week. I'm totally trying to be that one success story you hear about. Girl has surgery, girl can't conceive naturally, girl takes out loan to pay for fertility treatment, surprise bfp a few months before planned procedure. BANGO! This was my un-planned month and it just so happens we had glorious baby-making sex the day O was confirmed! Don't worry, I'm not all up on my high horse with hope because getting pregnant for me, is much like hitting the mega-million lotto, it can be done, but even if you play it enough, the chances are still one in 2.5 million  (or rather one in 75 million) of you winning. You know all the odds are against you but there is still that little crevice of hope you hold onto that maybe, just maybe, you will win. I think no matter how many times your hopes are shattered or how numb you try to make yourself, part of you can never quite give up on the hope of something because sometimes, that's all you have left.

Well, it seems as though my role of playing boss last week, might being turning into an actual lead part. In my last post I blogged about how in a few years I may be taking over my business, but with my bosses husbands health declining, a few years has turned into a few months. I won't be the complete owner, my boss still wants a hand in the business but I will be responsible for all in office work, which is 98% of what we do. I will have new hours, which are only a half hour difference than what I'm working now and I will have to work Fridays, something I haven't done but on occasion in three years. I think I'm most upset about that because since the day Lily was born, we've spent our Fridays together. We usually get our grocery shopping done in the morning and spend the rest of the day at the playground, pool or getting in a little retail therapy. I love my Fridays with my girl, just me and her. I know it probably won't phase her in the least, she loves her friends at daycare but I hate giving up that extra time with her. Work consumes so much of our lives anyway. There are a few options and avenues but essentially if I'm going to do this, be a business owner, I'm either all in or not at all. I mean, I knew this was coming, I just didn't expect it to be so soon but when the opportunity arises, sometimes you just have to go with it. If its not a good fit for my life, then we'll go down that road when we get there. Life is about change lord knows I change things as much as I change underwear except when it comes to my job and my man, these things have been consistent for years,  its about stepping out of your 'comfort zone' and doing whats best for your family. And while I have many thoughts as to what I want to do when I grow up, from Sonographer, designing cakes with penis cakes being my specialty (kidding!) and stay at home mom, right now, the decision to move forward as owner, best fits. It may not always fit, I may follow through with school and sonography but in the moment, this is the best decision. My dear friend was faced with a similar situation about a year ago and the opportunity for her to be a SAHM presented itself and on many occasions, I hear her talk of how that was the best choice she ever made, for her and her family. They may have to cut back on occasion but all in all, she's so happy with missing the hustle and bustle as a busy working mom. Balance, its all about balance.  You save that load of laundry for another day and spend a couple extra minutes reading before bed. You get out a little late, stop for ice cream before dinner. You have a bad day, roll down all the windows and sing your loudest to the little's favorite song don't think I haven't belted out some Barney now. I love hanging up the work hat as I close my office door and stepping into the baby sitter's, as mom. Our lives are defined by our opportunities, even the ones we miss. I don't want to look back on this and wish I had gone for it. I want to try, I want to look back and say I tried, even if it doesn't work, if I suck at it, I gave it my best. I'm always open to experiences and if I've learned anything, its success and failure go hand in hand. To be successful at anything, you've had to experience failure. "Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness"  yeah, Oprah knows her shit too. I think this goes for everything in life, to really be successful or reach a goal of anything, you've had to of fallen down at some point, that's part of life but getting back up, is living.

infertility adventures & a temp rise!

Oh wait, whats that I see? A temp rise! I'm either 4DPO or 1DPO, either way I'm onto the two week wait! I guess its better late than never, right? Its funny how a temperature can either make or break you. I used to take my temperature and look at the number as soon as I took it, bad idea, you could never fall back asleep because either a.) you were so mad that it wasn't what it should be or b.) you couldn't wait to get that sucker entered into fertility friend so you could actually see the awesomeness that the temperature was. I take it, the thermometer saves it and I look at it when I am up for good. This system works much better for me, especially on days that my temperature has satisfied me and has me feeling good. Other things that have me feeling good today? A hot cup of coffee from the amazing bakery two blocks from my office, delivered by the maintenance man--an older, speaks from the heart, loves to fish, genuine good person. A new bra that I spent way to much money on at Victoria's secret but it makes my boobs look good. The good leftovers for lunch awaiting me in the fridge, bbq that slow cooked all day yesterday and all the favorite fixin's that go with it. An impromptu trip to Redbox and to get ice cream on Friday evening alone--as in just my ipod, my purse and myself. An at-home pedicure for me and the little, matching piggies makes her happy. It may be Monday, but Monday is looking good.

As good as I am at trying to find the good in things one thing I'm not good at, is making decisions. I'm the most indecisive person you will ever meet. I can't make a decision on anything, ever. Its not that things aren't good enough or I spend hours stressing over things, its just I genuinely don't care and not a I'm a bitch and don't care but a whatever decision is made is fine with me don't care. I'm just really easy going, I can't ever chose the restaurant in a group of friends because I can find something from anywhere that I'll like, I like trying new places, I'll carry a shirt around Kohl's for an hour and put it back at the last minute because I finally figure I don't really need it. I'll spend half an hour choosing between the same shoe in two different colors because I can't decide which one I like more. I like it when the hub sees a road and wonders where it goes and I say "Go down it, lets see!" I.love.adventures. Adventures of any kind. Adventures in the sense of new roads or new recipes, new experiments and adventuring into the unknown mind of a three year old which, by the way, you will never understand. I love the uncertainty that comes along with it and the free feeling you get when you're on a road with nowhere you have to be and you have all the time in the world to get there. I'm really trying to use this same adventure passion and introduce it to my infertility struggle. I'm 25, I've got plenty of time to have more kids, this struggle is just another adventure, a try a few different roads until you get where you're going adventure. Its not going to be my infertility struggle anymore, its my infertility adventure. I see nothing but open roads and opportunities.

running, rescheduling & regrets

It seems I haven't ovulated yet, why does this surprise me? My body rarely works with me in ovulating on time, it kind of concerns me because I did Clomid CD 3-7 and you should O between 3-9 days after the last pill--which would have been CD 16, I'm on freaking CD 21. My chart is pretty lame and consistent so maybe there is still hope for this cycle, next month will be the one year mark since my HSG. I'm not sure if I'll need to have that done again, I know I will if I stop ovulating but in the scheme of things I don't know how long the good ol' tube cleaning lasts. The hub had to reschedule his s/a (again) because of work related issues so now of course he won't be seen until May 10th, another month away. It would just be nice to get this part of the process over with and to know whether there are problems there or not, at least we would have an idea of what we're up against. So more waiting for us, whats new? We're always waiting, waiting for whats next, for the next cycle, for the blood work results, waiting for the bigger picture. I'll wait for forever for my baby. One thing I always postponed was exercising. One time I had read that in woman who 'over' exercise right, like that's possible since my jaunt from the couch to fridge is exhausting it can cause their body to stop ovulating. I was always so afraid I would shock my body into healthiness and cause it to stop ovulating again, I mean clearly my ovaries have issues as it is, I didn't want to give them any more reason to crap out on me. I had been postponing running for a year and I stopped. I stopped worrying what if, because not exercising wasn't doing much for those eggs of mine so maybe, maybe running can be a good thing. I have a hard time with boundaries anyway, I walk that thin fine line between things like I'm walking on a tightrope. So I'm running, in moderation. I'm up to 2.5 miles in 30 minutes and I feel amazing. You get to the point where your past the "I think I'm going to pass out" phase and it feels as if you could run forever, you feel free. "Running is real. It's all joy and woe, hard as diamond. It makes you weary beyond comprehension, but it also makes you FREE"

I was talking to a dear friend yesterday, this is the same friend in this post that I swore I would say goodbye to, clearly I have not done that. Don't judge, I'm enjoying catching up. I know what I should do and what I need to do I'm just needing more time. Fate brought them back into my life for a reason and for the reason, I need them. I don't know how you're supposed to just forget someone who has impacted your life so much. Anyway, with all that's going on in my life, this friend makes me feel free, just like that running free I was talking about. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not being given my baby because I can't let go or because I maybe chose the road always traveled and should have went with the one less traveled. I know god sees the bigger picture and he has a plan for me and I may have what I think is what I want but if I really wanted it, I wouldn't be second guessing it. Sometimes, sometimes change is everything. Sometimes, as much as you pray about it, you have to realize its not in your control, its never been in your control. For once, it would be nice to control something in my life. Life changes us, we face our greatest fears and we learn from our mistakes. I guess all we can do is close our eyes, take a step and hope to god we make it. What's meant to be will always find its way.

when the days start gettin' warmer and the sun starts sinkin' slower

I 'let go' this month, of my pregnancy 'plan'. I haven't been keeping exact track of my cycle days or my CM, we haven't been having scheduled sex that always turns out off schedule anyway. I've been charting still, of course to confirm O and taking my prenatals. I've been pretty relaxed this month and keeping busy with other things. I let go and let god take over this month and couldn't be any happier with my choice. I should O Sunday (ish) time frame and we will go from there. I'm content right now, I've been running and tanning and eating banana pudding milkshakes (OMG try one, I promise you will not regret it!) from Chick-Fil-A on spring days, I'm feeling good and I'm happy for the months to come.

Fairy-Princess party planning is in full force! Invitations have been made an will be sent out next week followed by a trip to the party store to get all the party must-have's! Marilyn ( The best cake lady, ever!) is making Lily's cake again this year. She kicked ass with last year's Barney cake so I'm so excited to see what she will come up with this year. She has promised it will be "blinged-out" and fit for a princess! (what more could a girl ask for?) I bought 'fairy dust' (glitter) to make posters that say "Fairy Fly Zone" and "Paint a fairy house" (I bought little birdhouses at JoAnn's that are the perfect size for fairy's!) Lily is very much a part of the planning process and is excited about every single step. I don't ever remember having big 'to-do's' for my birthday as a kid, so I'm really relishing in the awesomeness that this party will be. I bought pails from the $1 Target bins, where else? that I will put flower seeds in so each kid can go home and plant their own fairy garden. Lily could not be any more excited about all of this. Seeing her light up every time we talk about it makes all of this going to a billion different stores for supplies, food preparation, and phone calls, worth it. Heck, maybe she'll even remember it to be as magical as it will be. Maybe I'm doing something right as a parent. ;)

Deck plans are also underway. Now that we got our 'second time homebuyers' tax credit we can get that sucker up! We had the final plans drawn up at the beginning of this week now its just submitting them to HOA and the town for the building permit. As much as I like HOA's for keeping people from painting their houses lime green and leaving cars on blocks in the driveway, it can be an inconvenience too, like this is my house--I will plant a tree where I want to plant a tree clearly I will not as this could incur a fine per day if you don't comply with them. We also have to have the signatures of both neighbor's beside us, don't see any problems with this so hopefully things go smoothly. We can't wait to entertain on our deck this year. These plans hold all the excitement for summer cookouts, damp little bathing suits and beach towels hanging to dry, sweet tea brewed by the goodness of the sun and the smell of the best summer food on that brand new grill the hub just got. For some reason food always tastes better when it comes off the grill, it always tastes better in the summer. As much as I like seeing the seasons change and enjoying each one (we have the best seasons in Virginia!), summer has my heart. I love digging out the beach bag from last year that still has last year's beach vacation sand in it. I love the sun and sun kissed skin, I love Brad Paisley concerts in the rain, I love the ocean breeze and the smell of the ocean salt, I love tank tops and flip flops. I love sipping wine amongst the crickets singing. I love the windows down and music up. I.love.summer.

Friday nights and fairy fly zones

Well, shit. I'm feeling out and I'm still 8 days away from AF. FF changed my CH's to CD 23, not 19. My temperatures are looking really good but the only baby making we did after I thought I O'd was on CD 23, maybe that will be enough? Next cycle (because I'm convinced there will be one) I'm not using OPK's, they always give me positives and I think I O and give up the rest of the cycle. I feel like the protocol for this cycle was perfect, so that's what we'll do next month, minus opk's!

I channel Adriana Lima

My Friday night out was oh so fabulous. Do you ever have nights that you just don't quite want to end? it was one of those nights. The bar wasn't very crowded, my coke was sweetened with a little Jack D and we could get lost in the goodness of our conversation. The hub doesn't really get girls night and why I need it. Its not about going to a bar, or staying out really late. Its about putting that red lipstick on and my bombshell bra. Its about sipping my favorite drink and talking into the wee hours of the morning about things he's tired of hearing about.  It's about channeling your inner super model and getting told you look nice by someone else hell yeah I look nice, my boobs are fabulous tonight! Its about going our for a few hours while the rest of the world sleeps to clear your mind of all the clutter that has been taking up room for the past few months. Peace out clutter, I'm free!

I'm in the beginning stages of planning Lily's THIRD birthday! All things girly down to the fairy dust, pixie punch and a pink tutu! We're having it at the local park, right down the road from us--just have to hope for no rain, its in May and we usually have really beautiful VA weather that time of year. We'll have a table to paint fairy houses and I'm sending the kids home with little pails with seeds to plant their own fairy garden (LOVE Target's $1 bins, btw). She's really into this stuff this year, the past two years I really didn't do any planning, I let Chuck E Cheese handle it so I'm excited about making this as picture perfect as she wants it. After all, she is my perfect little pixie.

having it all

its one of those spring-is-so-close-I-can-feel-it days. A windows open, spring candle flickering kind of days. I love these days. I live for these days. Today I'm craving spring. I'm craving hamburgers, hot dogs, baked beans and cold potato salad. I'm craving the smell of the grill and the sound of good friends laughter from the porch. I'm craving chalk covered baby hands and blackened feet from the driveway. Today, I will do this. All of this. This is love. I will go out tonight with one of my closest girlfriends. We will wear our skinny jeans and flip flops. We will drive with the windows down and the music loud. We'll laugh and cry and be, until 2 am. We will take off our mom hats and put on our red lipstick. We can have it all. We can put our little spring kissed, tired babies to bed and go out. Every girl deserves a night out with her girl. And we will wake up tomorrow morning, coffee in hand and make breakfast for those ready-for-the-day babies.

My temperatures have skyrocketed! This is great. I do know that I o'd, know I'm just not sure if it was CD 19 or 22. FF gave me crosshairs for CD 19, I really hope it was CD 19, we had all our bases covered for that day and actually haven't had sex since, sometimes you just really need a break.  Either way I'm really excited about my high temperatures, they looked nothing like this last month so even if we don't get pregnant this month maybe I finally figured out what works for my body. Take that, DR M. and your medical degree!

My red lipstick is calling me!

motown, bitch

There's good news and bad news. I'll start with the bad.
It monsoon rained here a few days last week and the UPS guy left my $80 Sperry's in a box on my front step without ringing the doorbell. Not only leaving them out ALL night, but the box was completely soaked and the shoes were damp, good thing they were too big and I have to exchange them anyway. Fail.
It's Monday morning and I love getting Monday morning emails from my mother bitching about something I did (or didn't do). Some times I really understand why people move far, far away. Fail.

And the good...I'm almost 99% sure I DID ovulate! Yay, body! I got a positive OPK on CD 18. This time change is really messing with my temp though, I'm not sure that it has any effect on it or not, so we'll see what it does over the next few days. I had good O signs, I never get O signs. And if I must say so myself, I had fabulous CM for the swimmers to glide in! This will be a good month.

My in laws took Lily for the very first time overnight Saturday. I always knew she would do fine with them, I just took so long because in the beginning she criticized me for everything. I felt so inadequate as a mother, so as payback, I never let her watch Lily. She's gotten better about the comments as Lily has gotten older and I've gotten better about handling the "I feel bones" comments. SO, it was time. Anyway, we went out with my brother and his fiance. We went to a great little Mexican restaurant first, had our 32oz Margs and it was still early. We went to this little dive bar down the street, however it wasn't really 'happening' so I googled The Pub which was in walking distance from where we. The main part of the restaurant is a reservation only place, very expensive and  high class, none of which fit my criteria, so we thought the pub would be fine. We walked around to the the back of the building (the pub was under the restaurant) and were greeted by this Big Black wanna-be bouncer. There was no cover charge until 9:30 and it was 9, so he checked our ID's and informed to us that it was "R&B night, Motown in heah" (he meant 'here' but had this overkill country accent he was working.) He kept repeating that it was Motown night what? because we're four stand-out-like-a-sore-thumb white people we don't like Motown? Let us show you how white people do Motown, bitch. He noticed my brother's pocket knife and held onto it because they weren't allowed, unsure that he was every going to see it again, my brother handed it over and in we went. Holy shit, this is like out of a movie. It was probably the shadiest place I've ever seen in my life. This underground pub consisted of old school sex booths (I'm not even sure what those are but that's the only way I can describe them) a few random people scattered throughout, we were definitely the minority age and color wise. The floor by the bar was old Corona cartons flattened out and the only decor was a giant 500 pound buffalo head. We went to the bathroom in pairs, that kind of shady. The band was setting up so we ordered drinks and sat down. The manager came by and let us know that at 9:30 we each had to pay a $10 cover charge but if we left by 9:45 then we didn't. We chugged the sex on the beach an whipped pinnacle and got the hell out of there, pocket knife included. We left there and went home to partake in some fabulous baby making!

If I don’t get off this roller coaster, I’m gonna be sick

Today should be O day! However, I'm not entirely convinced that it is :/ My OPK yesterday was negative and it normally is until O day, the only day I ever get a complete positive is on O day but I was hoping for a better line yesterday. I guess tomorrow mornings temp will tell! I was so ready for this cycle to be it, now I'm feeling discouraged. If I have an anovulatory cycle than I'll need to go in and have another HSG done before I start ovulating again, I just got done paying off the last one, in May of last year. I'll use my last opk this afternoon when I get home. Come on body, the set up this month is perfect! If I don't get a nice fertile egg this month I'm going to punch my ovaries!

I left work a little earlier Tuesday to take Lily to a DR appointment. We get signed in and sit on the 'sick' side, I hate that side. The side with rosie cheeked kids with fluids coming out of all of their orifices. Of course Lily has to play with the giant bus in the middle of the room, along with the bodily fluid faced kids. Luckily our wait was short this time. She ended up having a mild sinus infection so we left there and went directly to the pharmacy to pick up her antibiotic. A 20 minute wait there, not so bad when there is a blood pressure machine for your kid to use as a computer! I don't care if I was getting dirty looks from the pharmacy techs, would you rather her be screaming because she can't play with it? I think not. Anyway, we finally got on the road home about and hour after normal. I was speeding, I speed. I'm not a rule follower, my husband can't cook, my kid has to pee and my list of 'to-do's when I get home is enormous. Que police car. A police car that was pacing me for god knows how long before I happened to look in my rear view to blue lights. What kind of idiot speeds with a cop right behind her? I didn't even know they could stop you for 'pacing' with you, I thought it had to be on radar. Apparently not. He politely asked if there was a reason why I was speeding. because 55 is entirely too slow, my kids bladder is the size of a walnut, my phone is dead and I'm hungry. I responded with a lame "No, there really isn't" I would have gotten three tickets: Speeding, no seat belt (yes I know, I'm horrible!) and my drivers license hasn't been updated with my new address BUT he ran out of tickets. Yes, you heard that right. The cop. ran out. of tickets. He then proceeded to follow me all the way to town, another 20 minutes away down a two lane road. I wanted to speed anyway. What was he going to do? Pull me over again? None the less, I was one lucky girl!

Well, I'm off to run a few errands, pick up some ingredients for a bangin' dessert I'm making for our friends who are coming over for pizza tonight and get a little gift for my brothers gf's birthday. We're celebrating at Pancho's with 32 oz margs. If this cycle is a failed one, at least I'll have a belly full of comfort food and maybe be de-sensitized from the margs. Or maybe I can be celebrating in my own way for my body cooperating with me.

a plan of sorts

I started spotting Sunday, as I do every cycle that AF shows and of course she arrived Monday morning. I don't get it, five days, FIVE, like in a row and egg and sperm couldn't meet? seriously? this only verifies that something has to be wrong. Luckily hubby's s/a consult is March 1st, I'm anxious for it to get here but at the same time what if it comes back normal again? There will be no more answers than we have now, which are none. AF was a lot lighter than normal and because of my lower than normal temps I'm thinking that my O wasn't a 'good' one.  I'm going to do Clomid 50 mg CD5-9 this cycle, I know that I O on my own but I'm hoping this will help me O better, if that's even possible. My last Clomid attempts I took it CD3-7 which helps ovulation by creating many follicles, CD5-9 will only create a few but gives them more time to mature so maybe the change in Clomid is just what my body needs. I've got three Clomid refills left and I'm not going any higher on the dosage since it completely diminished my CM the last time I took it not to mention its known for thinning your uterine lining. I'm also taking baby aspirin this cycle (its supposed to help thicken the lining) and evening primrose oil prior to O, to help with the CM. So that's my plan, for this month and until we can come up with the money we need for the IUI. I'd really like to set a goal, the hub can travel for work and earn a good bonus for doing so (WTF is he waiting for?) He's never done it before but he's going to inquire about it this week! Bring on the night sweats, hot flashes and mood swings!

I semi 'outed' myself on FB last week. I'm doing this 30 Days in Pictures thing and one day was 'a picture of your biggest insecurity'. Mine, of course is when or if god will bless us with another baby. One of my 'friends' commented that she "has been trying for 9 years with no luck and to keep the faith", I nicely replied and went on about my day. My dear friend brought to my attention that if this girl was trying for 9 years, she started trying when she was SIXTEEN. She also has never been married nor even in a steady relationship until just recently. My friend totally called her out on it and the girls response "I tried off and on for a few years but I don't want kids right now, we're waiting until we're married" WTF, than you can't claim to be an infertile! Yes, this is the suckiest club, ever in the history of clubs BUT until you have woken up every single morning for the past year to stick a thermometer in your mouth, forked out hundreds of dollars on fertility tests and medications, experience hot flashes in the middle of the night that make you feel like your are literally lying next to satan, have had an absolutely heartbreaking loss and have had more doctors and nurses peek into your vagina than your husband than no, NO you do not get to claim yourself as an infertile. {insert explicit gesture here}

Please check out the following blog, she's having a give-away for reaching 100 followers!
http://unaffectedbyyou.blogspot.com/2011/02/100-followers-giveaway.html

I leave you with parenting tips from Shine.com, I, personally have heard every.single.one. Enjoy!

The 10 Most Irritating, Least Helpful Parenting Tips Ever

I have nothing against friends and family offering advice when you come to them with a dilemma. It's the people who pipe up, unbidden, because they see you with a child and assume you have no idea what you're doing. Too often these people are elderly great-aunts. Fortunately those ladies are afraid of the Internet, so I can rail against them and they'll be none the wiser! Thanks, ladies.

1. "Sleep now, because once that baby comes you'll never sleep again." Technically this is a pregnancy tip, of course, but I'm shoving it in here anyway. Yes, Great-Aunt Hildy, I will sleep throughout my entire third trimester. Because I am part bear.

2. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Everyone gives you this one — annoying relatives, pediatricians, the cashier at the drugstore where you were buying newborn diapers. Are these people all robots, capable of instantly dropping off to sleep whenever their child is unconscious? Do they not have other things to do, like bathe, or simply relish the rare moments of silence you get when you have an infant?

3. "I think your baby's hungry." Whether you're nursing or bottle-feeding, everyone assumes you don't know how to feed your child. And every time your child cries, whines, grimaces, or squirms, they are going to assume you are starving your poor baby and you need reminders to feed it. Lest you forget! This advice is especially maddening when they turn out to be correct.

4. "Relish every moment of your baby's first years, because they'll be grown before you know it." You mean, time only moves forward? I had no idea! I thought we'd be like this forever and ever! This sort of advice, obvious and innocuous as it seems, always put me on the defensive, as if I had just been carrying my baby under my arm like a football, muttering, "Grow up already, why don't you. Just GROW UP."

5. "I hope you're sleep training that child. Do you WANT him to be spoiled?" Oh, distant relative/person whose aisle I shared at the supermarket, I'm so glad you know exactly my child needs. And that you know, from your years of scientific research, that any child not allowed to cry it out will be a horrible waste of flesh! (See #6 for this parenting tip's counterpart.)

6. "I hope you're not doing that 'crying it out' thing. It's so barbaric. Enjoy your baby all through the night!" Again, kudos to you, whoever you are, for knowing what's best for our unique family situation! I will be calling you at 4 a.m., so you can enjoy our baby as well.

7. "Why are you bringing your child outside when it's so cold out?" It never ceased to amaze me that, no matter what my child's age, total strangers will express alarm and revulsion that I dared expose him to the elements. "And WHY ISN'T BE WEARING MITTENS? He's going to get consumption!"

8. "Your child isn't really sad/angry/injured. He's just manipulating you." There's no doubt that children can push our buttons as if they've had professional training in it, but the notion that my kid's authentic feelings are in fact manufactured to elicit a reaction really chaps my hide. If that were always true, he'd be a pint-sized sociopath.  I'm pretty sure that's not the case.

9. "Schools are just glorified prisons. If you loved your child, you'd homeschool." Oh, if only I loved my child enough to abandon my livelihood, tear him away from the community he so enjoys, separate him from the professionals who have dedicated their careers to childhood education, and forced him to stay home all day with me, where we'd be at each other's throats for hours! If only! Please note: I am not opposed to homeschooling, at all — in fact I wish it would work for us, but it would not.

10. "If I were you, I'd just—" OH NO YOU DON'T. I know where this is going. Listen, unnamed distant acquaintance who last parented in the 19th century (it's true — I often get my unwanted advice from ghosts) you don't know diddly about my kid, and our relationship, and what works for us.

so bring on the rain

 Oh, 80 year old ovaried body, how you love to taunt me. FF sort of confirmed ovulation for CD 19 (the day I had a semi positive opk) I must have been catching the beginning of the LH surge and the end on CD21, I'm still not completely convinced, my chart looks A LOT different then my prior charts, my post-o temps seem to look like my average pre-o temps. The cross hairs are dotted because some of my fertility signs don't match up, I haven't had much CM of any kind this cycle--who knows, maybe change on my chart is good, maybe change is pregnancy. It shows me at 8DPO, so I could  test in 4 days, however, I won't. I know AF will show, she will. 



This cycle's chart

 

An 'average' cycle's chart

Anyway, I came up with an answer to my hubby's question of "how are you gonna come up with $1,600.00?" Get a part-time job. I can work a few weeknights or weekends to come up with the money, I have no problem sacrificing a little time for a few months to save up enough money for the IUI. He was not amused by this idea. My plate is full as it is without adding another job into the mix, but its not forever, its a few months. The hard part, actually finding one. I would actually really like to work at a tanning bed, so what if you have to clean up people's sweat, I've cleaned up worse and free tanning while I'm making some cash? Holla!

I'd really like to start focusing on exercising. I trained for and ran a 5k last March and it was the best I've felt, ever. I'm not an exerciser, unless you count the sprints from the couch to the fridge. I want to feel that good about myself again. I'd like to take some Body Pump or Zumba classes so I'm looking for some in my area that I can take around work and shuffling Lily around. I think focusing on myself for once in my life and getting in shape will help keep the ttc weight off my shoulders. I hate leaving Lily for another hour out of the day but a healthier me will lead to me being around longer.

I was having a tough day Monday, ttc wise, TJ wise, just an all around asstastic day. About a week before I had asked for a sign, any sign to help me to know I was being heard, or what's next? I had no idea if I would even realize 'the sign' if it slapped me in the face, but I was sitting at the stop light, heavy heart and tears in my eyes and a song came on, I'd never heard this song and the lyrics were so important and at that moment, I got my sign.

I get so tired staring at the walls, weights so heavy and that mountain so tall

No ovulation. WTF. Totally positive opk, massive amounts of perfectly timed BD'ing and my body fails me, as it does every month. Is it possible to gear up to O and not actually O? yes. why? WHY would your body do that. I guess I could have O'd but my temps are still kind of low and in the pre-o range so I'm guessing I didn't. I'm exhausted. The hubby is going to do his s/a on Wednesday on March 1st--he has to go in for a new patient consult since he hasn't been in 5 years and then they will schedule an analysis. We only have ONE urologist in the TWO counties we live/work in. Doesn't anyone go to school to be a urologist anymore?  I'm calling I called a new RE today to set up an appointment so we can do the IUI cycle as soon as possible. This RE is in the same area but the cost is a little better, as far as I'm concerned, the cost doesn't matter anymore.The hubby thinks otherwise, his exact words "where are you going to come up with $1,500.00?" (insert awkward silence here) I wish I had an answer. I'll do whatever I have to do to get this baby and pray that god has my back. It's hard when money controls destiny. Money will get me the IUI, not fate. I've been waiting 18 months for 'fate' to take over, get at me, fate!  Lily's getting older by the day, we wanted her and her sibling two and a half years apart (give or take), we'll be working on almost FOUR years now. I don't want her to remember a time when it was just her, I want her to have always known she grew up with a sibling. Obviously I have ZERO control over this and you can't plan things like this, well I can't anyway, my ovaries are that of an 80 year old woman apparently. The hubby's response to this "Who cares if they are four years apart?" (insert another awkward silence) I do, me. I care. No, the IUI isn't guaranteed but the chances are a HELL of a lot better. They use medication to grow nice, big follicles,  injectables to trigger ovulation and  place the best swimmers directly IN the uterus at the time of ovulation, bypassing any cervical mucus issues and any issues my cervix may have from my CKC surgery. I wish I could be as not as concerned about this as my hubby but its just not me. We're all getting older, my uterus is getting lonelier, my cervix is jacked up and maybe this is when I have to let go. If we can't afford IUI there is now way we'd ever be able to do IVF, so my only option? opk's, temping, bd'ing and praying. That's it.

The Potty Training Chronicles

Potty training, check. Yes, this kid potty trained over the weekend, she amazes me! Friday and Saturday we did the pull up/panties combo, the panties were great for letting her know she peed, the pull ups I could still do without, however they are nice on-the-go. Sunday she went commando the whole day and had NO accidents, zero! She would be playing, would realize she had to go, go to her potty, sit down and do her thing! We went to dinner that evening so obviously we had to put  a pull up on her, a little nudie probably isn't acceptable in a restaurant not to mention unsanitary. Anyway, she told me in the middle of dinner that she had to go, so we used the big, gross public restroom at Country Cookin' for the first time, and she went, she held it and went and made it home with a dry pull up! Success! I'm so excited for her, however I loved the convenience of diapers, never had to worry when we're in the back of the store with a cart full of groceries if she had to pee but whatever, that cart will be there when we're done (hopefully!) My little pixie is no longer a baby, she's a little girl.

Oh and Happy Valentine's Day!--just another infertile day for me. Hopefully, at least, I won't have to cook dinner! I will however, enjoy these delicious cupcakes and cookies my boss brought in, I may just eat them ALL!

The potty training chronicles

Potty training isn't for the weak hearted. For those of you who don't know, we attempted potty training in November and it was an epic fail. I read in a magazine to put your kid in regular panties, so they can feel that they are wet and set a timer for every 5 minutes so they are sure to make some sort of 'deposit' into the toilet. Sounds pretty simple, right? Maybe if your kid is a robot! She peed on the couch, on the floor and although she didn't like it, it didn't stop her from doing it, not to mention getting a two year old to sit down anywhere for five minutes is a challenge. We tried for about two hours and switched to pull-ups, that's what they are made for, potty training. However they are pretty much diapers that 'pull-up' so she did not mind peeing in them at all, keeps her from missing her favorite episode of Barney that she's seen 150 times. She ended the two hours with "No like it!" FINE BY ME! It was awful, all the candy, praise and stickers in the world weren't going to convince her that using the potty was awesome. Her BFF at daycare, along with two other half pints are potty training now, so I figured now is the time. She was over the moon excited that her bff used the potty and she decided she's ready for pull-ups and big girl panties. I sent her in this morning with three extra pull ups and a tiny reminder to use the potty. Her bff may have just saved my life! The babysitter lines them all up to use the potty and if they use it, they get an m&m. If that's not motivation I don't know what is. I have to say that being a working mom, I do get a little extra help in the potty training area, I mean the babysitter will be stuck with most of the work Mon-Thurs. 7:30-4. I'm a little relieved because i was not looking forward to going at the task alone. Don't judge me.

I talked to my SIL (who by the way has a beautiful three month old) for the first time in about 3 weeks, we've both been busy and its been hard to catch up. She sent me a text first thing yesterday morning that says "any news?" So, is this your idea of catching up? Every time I see her, the first words out of her mouth are "any news?" just shove the knife in my gut in a little further when I have to respond with "it wasn't our month". Not to mention she asks at all the wrong times. I mean I'm not asking her to write down my menstrual cycle on her calender but obviously if I just o'd two days ago, I don't have news. Thank GOD for my inner circle friends. I've got three friends who don't ask if I have news, they don't bother me about why my ovaries aren't working, they don't send me stupid articles on losing weight for fertility. They are just there, even though they don't quite understand all the ttc stuff, they listen. They know its a struggle for me and don't look at me with sympathetic eyes. Yes, I long for a baby in my arms but I know that it will happen for me, naturally, medically, invasive--it will happen, just not on my timing and they get that. They give me the strength I need to get out of whatever slump I'm in and push through.

I think I ovulated on CD 19, two days ago! We got some seriously good BD'ing in too (like 5 days in a row good!). I should get my CH's on FF tomorrow and I'll post my chart if I do. I'm feeling a bit worn out this cycle, I'm tired. I'm tired of temping, tired of 'scheduled' sex, tired of trying so hard for something and getting nothing. I feel like all we have is 'just in case' sex, just in case I'm ovulating, just in case I haven't ovulated. My hub, of course, has no problem with any form of sex, yet, anyway.

put some feel good in my soul

We kicked off Sunday by going to church, we haven't been in months and haven't been to the church in our new town since moving there in September. It's not actually my church, my hub is a member and it's important to him that we try and go at least once a month. I don't mind going now that we're in a different ward than the in-laws (ha!). I go in hope that some one's story will completely change my life.

After church we headed to the mall to do a little shopping, then took Lily to Chuck E Cheese. This Chuck E Cheese is fairly sketchy, sometimes the skee ball games have no balls, the people there are from other planets and kids are insane. I dont' know why we even made the 45 minute trip for her to spend most of it in fear that Chuck was after her. She rode a few rides, the hub played a few games and we were OUT. We left there and went to a Super Bowl party. My team wasn't in the Superbowl but we still celebrated by going to a small get together with my Mullins family. We had been invited to a party in our neighborhood by a friend we went to HS with. We just started getting together with him, his wife and daughter, however his wife and my SIL have just become bff's after meeting and I get completely ignored (are we IN HS again?) besides, he was inviting a bunch of other dbag's from HS and the hub and I didn't feel like being ignored the whole time, not my idea of a good time.  It was nice at the Mullins--no daunting questions about baby number 2, good food, beer and all my favorite people in one room. There is something serene to being around them, they aren't my actual 'family' in a biological sense of the word but they might as well be. We didn't end up getting home until 10:30 and I still had to shower, get some BD'ing in and write out bills, so we didn't get to sleep until about midnight, coffee is my bff this morning!

CD 18 today, should be o'ing any day now. My opk was negative on Saturday but there was a definite line, just not as dark as the control so I'm hoping maybe today or tomorrow. I've got such high hopes for this cycle, as do I every other cycle. I really hope I'm not setting myself up to be crushed. I've been taking my prenatal's everyday, I didn't even do that when I was preg with Lily! I cut WAY back on caffeine, I limit it to one caffeinated drink a day and for the most part I don't even do that. I've got nothing else to do, but wait.

"can't you like, feel your eggs drop?"

HA. Yes, dear, I can feel my eggs drop. That would solve ALL of every one's TTC problems, ever. Sometimes my humorous hub is my only sanity in the long days waiting to O. He did suggest, however, that he have another s/a done. His last one was done 4 years ago before Lily was conceived--all was well then but it doesn't hurt to check now. He said he has pain off and on in the 'lower region'. Hmm, you don't think you could have mentioned this 14months ago? He had vericocele surgery 4 years ago and it bothers him off an on, so we'll see. I'm going to call today and set that up. If it does come back low that just makes the IUI all more the answer, which I've been seriously contemplating doing anyway.

We may add a new member to the family, a cute little min-pin! (miniature pinscher) The hub always said if we HAD to have a dog it would be a min-pin because they are small but still manly. All I heard was "I want a min-pin!" My friend works at the SPCA in my county and one was turned in THAT day (what are the chances?). She is about a year old, is being spayed today and can be adopted tomorrow! I'd like to go spend some time with her and see how Lily likes her and I've already named her--Ava. I know, that's horrible, considering we haven't seen her, my hub hates dogs and we have no dog stuff. Dogs are good for kids, he and I both had them growing up and I think it will help me, take my mind off all the ttc stuff. He thinks I want one to fill the void of not being successful at having another baby and maybe in a way I am but in the end, it would be good for all of us.