It may be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.

It wasn't until this weekend that I realized my apprehensive, shy-away baby, is no more. Put on a helmet and ride a horse around? sure why not. Get the life jacket on and spend an entire day on a boat? did you even have to ask mom? A year ago, these things would have frightened her to no end, she didn't want to be out of my sight let alone giddyin' up or trolling around a lake. She's becoming her own. In her eyes, trees aren't blowing in the wind, the "trees are dancing!". She tip toes through life, walking along the edge of where water meets sand. She inspires me everyday to see life as 'trees dancing'. She is becoming this independent, I'm going places little girl and I love it. I love watching her define herself. I can't say it enough, she is really going to kick life's ass! We spent Sunday at the Delaplane Strawberry Festival with a million other people. It was Africa hot, people everywhere and strawberries were $40 but it was something to do, there were all the kids-love-this-shit games and face painting and that's what you do when you have kids, you go to these things because they have fun and if they are having fun, then life is good. You know what else was good? the $5 strawberry sundae, half ice cream, half pound cake with a huge helping of strawberries topped with whip cream. Heaven in a bowl. The whole day was worth it from that point on, even the hay ride that caused me to break out in welts, get all stuffy and sneeze 50 times. We topped off the long weekend at the Lake with my almost-sister-in-law's family. I think when you want to get away from things, you need a day at the lake. A boat, the lake, some of your favorite people and bud light, its pretty much my vision of heaven, well, with strawberry sundae's of course.

********

you know that phone call you get, the one out of the ordinary, wrong place wrong time, sucker punch in the stomach feeling call when you know something ain't right and something has to be wrong? it happened. again. I will always remember every detail of these calls, the one in October 'He's not breathing Stac, he's not breathing" followed by the longest half hour of my life before "he's gone" penetrated through my soul. And the one today, "Did you hear what happened?" followed by the same words. I hate these calls, these calls, these words spoken change your life, forever. Our crew, our "Mullins" crew is down, two. Another childhood friend, a friend who was a big part of my life growing up, a father, husband and one of the nicest people you could meet, was taken. How many times are we going to have to do this? How many times are we going to have to bury our friends? Our crew, consists of those of us who grew up on Tackett Lane, the originals. It consists of some of TJ's friends who are more family, its TJ's family and we are one fricking tough crew. We've been through some of the hardest things and together, we've prevailed. We've pulled together through these hard times, we still have 'cornhole' parties even though its never the same, we are always there for each other because we know this pain all to well. I don't know why and I may never know why these things happen and the same with the infertility, but I know god needed them, he picks only the best and when he picked TJ and Jay? oh he knew what he was doing, he knew he was getting the best. God picked our crew of people because he knew we are tough enough to handle it, he picks me on infertility because he knows I'll fight it. This 'test', this life test, oh its been anything but easy, its been damn hard but I got the chance to know some of the greatest people, they are the wonders of my world and my crew and I, we know strength like nobody else and we know the power of love and faith because without that as our foundation, we got nothing. And the day that our whole crew is reunited? oh what a day for the record books that will be.



We will miss you, Jay.



trying to make it work but man these times are hard

·                                 “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

 

 

 Whats this? A quote that isn't from Meredith grey? *pats self on back* I try, I try really hard to be strong and to look at the good opposed to the bad in all aspects of life. I try hard to have peace with my journey as it is and to be happy within myself. I try to step out of the box and be grateful for what I do have and I'm good at doing this, I'm good at putting things in perspective, seeing the 'bigger picture' but sometimes? sometimes this just plain out really fucking sucks. Sometimes this wall I have up gets so weak and just wants to crumble under pressure. Sometimes I'm just tired of trying to keep my head above water, this must be what it feels like to drown, you fight, you gasp for air at any given chance of oxygen, you see light and hope and then your body just can't fight anymore, you feel like your slipping away, water fills your lungs and you surrender. sorry to go so emo there, but that HAS to be what its like. I am blessed and I know that but I'm allowed to be bitter sometimes because this shit is hard. Money is work, love is work, life is work. I'm a fighter, I've been dealt a shitty hand of cards and have played them to perfection. The hub is supportive, he really tries hard to be but he just doesn't quite get why I get so 'debbie downer' sometimes. His feelings? If all we're meant to have, if what we have right now is all we're going to have, then that's ok, he's ok with this. I agree, we've worked hard and it's paid off, we have a good life but for the first time ever, no matter how hard I work, pregnancy is something I can't control. No matter how hard I work for it, fight for it, it's not something I can plan for. Its like trying to cross a canyon that's ever widening, no matter how many ways you look at it, plan it, dive right in, it just seems even more far away. I don't know that I'll ever have 'peace' with it because I feel like my job as a mom isn't done. I'm not ready to sell the bottles or give away the tiny baby clothes. I'm ready to be a mom again. It's been fun, doing all the fun stuff us ttcer's aren't supposed to do, the tanning, running, beer & coffee drinking, but I'll always long to give up every bit of that for a shrimp to inhabit my uterus for 40 weeks. I'm ready for my withered cervix to get control of herself and be a slut and let her sperm friends in for an orgy. too much? I'm ready for what's next in life, I'm ready to jump in feet first. Get at me, life, give me all you've got.  I'm tired and in the words of Nikki Minaj "I'm not talkin poultry when I say this chicken's fried"

Had a date night with the hub last Saturday. We went to see Water For Elephants (you must read it,loved it) and got there and they just stopped showing it the day before. I had my little heart set on comparing movie to book so I sulked for a couple minutes and we figured we were there so we had to see something. We ended up agreeing on The Fast Five, there were only four to choose from and Rango 3D wasn't high on my 'to see' list. It ended up being a good movie, the original actors were in it and it was action from beginning to end and of course, one of the main characters, is pregnant. I swear to god preggo's follow me everywhere I go. Anyway, there was a toast in the middle of the movie along the lines of " everyone in this room right here, right now, is all we need. Family" They were friends but sometimes, our friends, are our family. I can't say enough about my amazing support system of close friends (& a cousin), its unbelievable how your given the people you need in your life. You always have who you need, the world has a funny way of giving you exactly what or in this case, who, you need. Whether its the one who sends a funny text at the exact moment your ready to burst into tears, the one that makes fun of every single newborn baby because she's convinced they aren't up to par with your kid, the one who thanks you for your perspective and outlook on life and the ones that remember every single DR appointment and blood draw you have scheduled. These inner circle friends save me, save me from being a bitter ol' bitch, they save me from driving myself insane, they save me in ways they will never know. This adventure I'm on? I can't do it alone, I can't fight it by myself and they make sure, I don't have to.

I'm up earlier than the little with my perfect cup of coffee in hand and watching the early morning sun rising over the tops of the houses across the street. This is going to be a good, long weekend. The community pool opens tomorrow, and we're spending the day at the lake with some favorites on Monday. I'll tuck the bitter ol' bitch in me away and break out the classy Chanel's, my favorite bathing suit and my this-is-the-good-life smile. I'm ready for life this weekend, I'm ready for chlorine in my hair and towels drying on the porch, I'm ready for sun kissed skin and a few "you make me so happy"s from my curly haired pixie. I'm ready for a weekend 'off' from infertility. Where's my bud light? ;) Happy weekend, friends!

poked, prodded & dildo-wanded

I'm in a group on one of my favorite websites, its been so helpful in my journey as these girls have been so supportive. TTC'ers of all sorts can be found here. I joined a group with two other girls who have struggled to have kids, both are a little older than me and both just finished their first round of IVF after many failed IUI's and medicated cycles and both, are pregnant. Friend one is 12 weeks along with twins and friend two just got her bfp yesterday. I'm so happy for them, they've struggled so much and can finally experience pregnancy. It's 'easier' for me to be happy for these success stories because as much as it sucks that now I'm the lone one in the group with an empty uterus, they know how painful this journey is and can really appreciate pregnancy. They were also the very first ones who knew about my bfp in December and they exuded so much happiness for me, even though their cycles were a bust and they felt as if it were never going to happen for them, they were still my biggest cheerleaders. Though our stories may be different, we've helped each other through the struggles and ups and downs and we all share that common thread of infertility and strength. Life through an infertiles eyes must be so much different than it is through a fertiles. We scan every pregnancy test for hours for any hint of a line, we'll hold it up to light, we'll leave it and check it four times to make sure a pink line hasn't magically appeared, we'll upload a  hundred pictures and views of it and post it online to get other ttcers opinions and then finally throw it away days later (not without checking it again, mind you). We've peed on more ovulation sticks than one can deem 'normal'. We obsess over temperatures on our chart and what they might mean or stand for. We google any 'symptom' we may be having because it MUST be pregnancy related. Our RE's office is our second home and you spend most of your life either giving blood or in stirrups, spread eagle style. We know all the TTC lingo and actually use it, daily, we monitor cervical mucus and can pinpoint ovulation down to the second and we've been poked, prodded, dildo-wanded and dubbed "unexplained infertility" but we never give up. We're programmed from birth to be mom's and just like when your child is here, you'll do anything for them, you'd take the breath right out of your lungs if they needed it. We are moms and we'll do what we have to do for our babies, unborn or not or die trying. We also appreciate life like no other. Words can't describe the moment two pink lines appear before an infertiles eyes on a pregnancy test, we all know that all the aforementioned stuff is worth it, even if it doesn't work out, you're doing all you can but when those two lines appear, you get this overwhelming sense of accomplishment and pure joy, a joy a fertile will never know. I've worked hard for everything in my life, nothing has been handed to me, ever. What made me think conception would be any different? God tests me in this way, maybe because he knows I can do it, maybe because I can appreciate everything so much more or maybe just because he has a weird sense of humor (kidding!) but in the end, I can be truly thankful for late nights, temper tantrums in the grocery store, tiny toys stuffed in my socks and popcorn in the a/c registers. I'm thankful for my three little stretch marks, I rock those bitches like badges of honor because it was that hard to earn them. I'm thankful for those friends of mine who don't have to deal with any of this and I can be genuinely happy for them when they do get pregnant with ease. I don't need censored pregnancy announcements because as hard as it is always being the one left behind in the pregnancy world, I'm thankful in a way a fertile would never know. This journey of mine has been anything but easy livin' but clearly, that's just how I roll. (knucks to god). I mean, a fertiles life must be really boring, January 1st "hey, lets have a baby!", January 28th, "I'm pregnant!". Where's the fun in that anyway? We always want what we don't have, we dwell regretfully on the door that closed and miss the ones that are open. I think though, when the right door opens, you'll know.

straight arrows & wiggly circles

"Biology says that we are who we are from birth, that our DNA is set in stone, unchangeable. Our DNA doesn't account for all of us though, we're human. Life changes us. We develop new traits. Become less territorial. We start competing. We learn from our mistakes. We face our greatest fears. For better or worse, we find ways to become more than our biology. The risk of course is that we can change too much to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Finding our way back can be difficult. There's no compass, no map. We just have to close our eyes, take a step, and hope to God we get there." have I mentioned I freaking love Meredith Grey? The hub and I are approaching our seventh wedding anniversary, SEVENTH. That is an accomplishment in itself not to mention throwing in everything that we've been hit with, especially in the last few years. We were lying in bed late one night this week, talking about life, love, and all of the sort and got on the subject of change. He is exactly the same person he was the day I met him, his personality, views, everything, straight as an arrow. He's straight forward, true to his beliefs and a judger. He knows exactly who he is. Me? not so much. He described me as a wiggly circle should I be offended? and to an extent, I agree. My mood changes with the wind, I like to rearrange furniture entirely too much because I get sick of looking at it the same way for too long and same with paint. I upgrade my phone every two years and usually follow suit with my cars.  I know my likes and dislikes and I know they change every week. I have yet to find out exactly who I am but maybe that is who I am. I like change, I like variety. I like waking up on Saturday morning and the only 'plan' I have for the day is to make my cup of coffee. I like putting the little to bed on a Friday night and going out to dinner, blasting the radio the whole way there because I'm alone in my car and because I can. I like putting on different pairs of sunglasses that match my mood--stunna shades, classy Chanel's or sporty spice yes, I've named my sunglasses, I'm not denying the fact that I'm crazy. I wear many a hat and I don't think there is anything wrong there, I don't think who I am changes and I never modify myself to fit certain places, people or events. I'll put away the heels from Friday night for my flats on Sunday. I wrecked my hair dying it multiple times because I wanted to switch things up. I love impromptu trips for ice cream or to the playground for no particular reason other than to hear Lily talk about it for the next few days. I'll run three miles then eat a steak and cheese trying to balance out exercise and the fat kid that dwells within my body. I don't think these many hats change who you are, they make you who you are. I think change and balance go hand in hand and change is good, except when you change so much that you don't recognize yourself. Because the truth is, life changes us. Trauma, death, sickness, infertility, second chances. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us.  At what point do your realize when you've changed too much when your husband calls you a wiggly circle? What if you can't find your way back to your pre-life-shat-on-me self? I think the answer is easy, you don't. You embrace whats in front of you, you adapt to the changes life has given you and you believe that the people that mean the most will hop on that wiggly circle train with you. If you can accept your flaws, details of your character and love then that's when you find yourself. Maybe change is how you find out who you are, part of the process of figuring yourself out, maybe we'll never really know who we are. All of these things, phases, stages are building blocks to finding yourself.  He said you don't need tattoos and piercings or beer and girls night to make you beautiful or to define yourself  but those things don't define me. I'm all about those things but they don't define who I am. I am a mom and a great employee. I'm an infertile with a fake smile at baby showers. I'm the skinny bitch in the corner at the OB's office fighting back tears. I'm a warm summer day with my dyed hair blown all around. I'm a margarita on the rocks and a sweet southern tea when need be. I'm a good book by the fire with a glass of wine and a cold beer on the deck on a hot day. I'm a Saturday out on the town and a church girl on Sunday Brad Paisley reference there, hollerr! I'm a listener, lover and stealer of the pink jelly beans. I've got some of the best friends who pick me up, every time I'm down and a three year old smile that is tethered to my soul and I totally just embraced my wiggly circle. And I'm content, with my wiggly circle and knowing that I may never know exactly who I am. I'm no where near perfect, I cry when I'm mad, I laugh when I'm uncomfortable, I lose my patience, I hate confrontation, I'm spoiled, I'm hard headed and always learn things the hard way, I let my guard down way too easily, I refer to my cervix as an old withered bitch and I have emotional band aids over wounds in my heart. I am crazy and I am flawed but I am secure within myself because of these things. Some things though, some things will never change. The unconditional love for my daughter, my tatted up body that ties me to certain people and places, three small stretch marks that I have such pride in because I have carried a baby in my body, the beginnings of laugh lines around my eyes and my total love for chick-fil-a milkshakes ;)  I've found myself in things, places and people, I've surrounded myself with the best in everything and strive daily to mix life up and one thing I know I'm not, is a straight arrow. And I'm content with that.

My stunna' shades are calling me today! Happy weekend, friends!

mine field

You know what I miss? My old gynecologist. He was just an gyno, no OB so I had to switch when I got pregnant with Lily but I miss how personable he was and possibly I miss his waiting room the most. The quiet lull of the fish tank, the receptionist that you could faintly hear on the other side of the glass, Home & Garden magazines and a small office with no one eyeing your belly for a bump. Fast forward to today. My current ob/gyn, ever heard the phrase "herding turtles"? yeah, I'm just a number in a long line of preggo's at this place. The waiting room is always full of parenting and baby magazines, preggo's and new moms waiting for their 6 week 'can we have sex now' check up with newbies in tow. Its like a mine field for an infertile, no matter where you look or step, there is something baby related that makes your eyes well up. I love my DR but he happens to be so ADD it isn't even funny. In the same stretch of breath he asked me what was wrong, read my memorial bracelet and asked why I have a pair of jeans in my purse. They are for Lily btw, my purse doubles as a diaper bag, clearly doc. I've also been to the office enough times for the nurses to know me on a first name basis and ask me if I feel like the office is my second home but my DR can NEVER remember my situation. I mean, I don't expect him to know everything but seriously? Am I on birth control? Are we trying? And also the fact that the surgery he did in '09 on me is one of only like 3 he does a year. Welcome to the get a clue corp. doc, leave a message. I know he delivers thousands of babies and sees countless vagina's a day but can you once remember one little detail of my existence, that I'm DESPERATELY trying to be pregnant. My original appointment was scheduled for June 2nd so since I was in here for something unrelated I knocked out two birds with one stone or rather two bills with one stone and asked him about the scar tissue and possible D&C, that the hub's doctor mentioned when he went in for his s/a. Long story short, I would be having painful periods along with painful cramping if scar tissue were the case, so, still no answers. Big surprise, right? My crappy withered cervix won't even allow ONE of 75 million proud, eager sperm to enter her fortress. What a bitch.

count your blessings to find what you look for

The party was a hit and the rain for the most part held off until the end. Fairy houses have been painted, dried and are in the rooms of Lily's best friends. The pixie sticks in the goody pails have long been emptied. A Princess vanity, barbies and Dora guitar have found their new place in our home.  Grass-stained tights have been washed and put away. Pictures hold the memories of a day celebrating the littles life on earth. I have the most amazing people in my life, the mist, overcast and cooler than normal temperatures didn't keep anyone from coming. I'm blessed in so many ways. When I step out of the box and look in and see this three year old little girl with a big heart and an even bigger attitude, who poses with her hands on her hips, who talks in song and has such a genuine love for life, it takes my breath away. I can learn so much from her. She thinks she needs me but really, I need her.

The rest of the weekend was completely uneventful. I didn't even brush my teeth yesterday until 3pm sexy, right? We spent most of the day finding homes for toys, cleaning and we did a lot of movie watchin' on the couch. I finished up the wedding favors for my brothers upcoming wedding. The dirt has been filled in pots and the sunflower seeds have been planted, now, if only I can keep them from looking like any other plant I've ever owned than we'll be in good shape. This is a lot of pressure and commitment for me to get them sprouting and keep them alive for three more weeks. If I fail, I'm totally just going to get fake ones and replace them. Good friends always have a back-up plan. I met the bride for dinner at a new Mexican place it was so sub par to El Agave btw and a bud light of course and was asked to do the toast at the wedding. I think my first reaction seemed to frighten her, I'm not a public speaker, it scares the shit out of me but I kicked my fear to the side and am totally excited about it! The only other place since HS that I've done any public speaking was at my friends funeral service and if I can get through that without looking like a rambling ratard Hangover reference there, I just said that in my best Alan voice then I can kick a wedding toast's ass! Maybe I'll be able to gather further motivation if I sit close to the keg! We'll be surrounded by a bunch of friends and family and people I know so I'm just going to wing it and speak from the heart without getting all non-preggo hormonal. I'm honored to play such a big part in their special day and couldn't be more excited for them to start their life together. Wait a second, I may have a toast right there! ;)

its clear to see, she was sent for me.



Three, bitches.

 I'm finding it very hard to believe that this time THREE years ago I was lying in a hospital bed listening to the heartbeat of my unborn baby girl on the fetal monitor and watching curiously as each contraction would bring me closer to meeting the love of my life. I can remember every detail of that day, I can still feel the seven pound weight of her body lying on my chest. I can still feel her heart beat as if its my own. Its days like today that we realize that its not just where we are from but, who we've become. I've overcome obstacles, laughed when I felt like crying and pushed through when I all I wanted to do was give up. I've seen Lily Grace grow and change in the last few years and can't tell you how proud she makes me. I can't quite put into words how thankful I am for her. We were blessed with her arrival three years ago today and oh what a blessing she truly is, I appreciate her more than she will ever know. It was a long, hard road to meeting her and one day she'll know just what a miracle she is. This overwhelming amount of love I have in my heart? it began with her. She inspires me everyday to be a better wife, mom, a better me. I know heartache and strength like no other but I also know pure love like no other, because of her. I've seen her develop into a little girl over these three years, an amazing, inspirational, I'm going places in this world, little girl. She's my bossy, blonde haired, air guitar playin', perfect little pixie who is quick to stand her ground, speaks right from the soul and will tell you every time, when she's happy. She's going places, she dances to the beat of her own drum and I will be there, every step of the way. I promise that I'll balance friendship and parenting, guidance and authority. I promise to keep secrets and stay up too late a time or two watching movies. I promise to be the 'cool' mom without embarrassing you. I promise to be at every game, play or competition you're ever in and I promise we'll always get milkshakes, play the air guitar and sing our hearts out to The Band Perry when we've had bad days. I promise to give you the best of me, all my life because you saved me by bringing me you.

Happy third birthday, Lily Grace! I want you to know today and always that I will be here always, wherever life takes you, I'll be here.

"I cross my heart, and promise too, I'll give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true. In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine."

Because nothing in this life warms my heart as much as playing this song as loud as we can and still being able to hear her angelic three year old voice own every word of it. Give me a sunny day. Sunglasses. a little air guitar and my soul mate singing her heart out in the back seat. I love this life, this life that has her in it. She makes my soul, free. Here's to you, Lily Grace, for being the most open minded, awesome three year old I've ever met.You were born to do big things, you're going to kick life's ass! Love you, boo.

I fight for what I love and love what I fight for

*WARNING: I allow myself to wallow in self pity only a few times a year, this post is one of those occasions. If you don't care to wallow with me, read no more.

We have an unfinished room in our basement dubbed "the liquor room" because when we moved in the previous owners left their stash behind  and in this room is all of our crap that has no where else. Holiday decorations, randomness from the move that has no 'place' and mountains of baby stuff--all the baby stuff Lily has outgrown. I've been holding onto it, for the next. We were discussing plans for the liquor room, which we would like to turn into a gym but first, we have to do something with the crap that is in there now. Maybe we should just sell all the baby stuff? My 'when' we have a baby has turned into 'if' and 'if' by chance we happen to get pregnant, we'll just get new stuff. I don't think it was until then, when we were standing there surrounded by all the baby stuff that when turned into if. We could go spend thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant and not be successful. I've been doing a lot of research on my procedure I had in '09 and I'm more and more convinced that if I can get pregnant and stay pregnant it really will be a miracle. The amount of tissue they removed from my cervix in my surgery determines if we will have another baby. The amount they removed also determines the strength of my cervix which determines if I will be able to carry a baby to term. I will never give up on it, I'll try until my body won't allow me to try anymore but my views have changed, I can't rely on medications or temping, I can't 'plan' sex or drink fertility tea because none of that matters. My cervix was comprimised and may be so forever. I wish I would have read more about the procedure then, read more into the infertility effects, not that I could have postponed it? oh hey highly cancerous cells of my cervix, please revisit in five years when I'm done childbearing, k?thanks. Maybe I didn't beat cancer after all, maybe it beat me.

The hub had his semen analysis this morning, finally and the results were as we expected, completely normal. Average motility is 20 million and his was 75 million if that doesn't make a man proud I don't know what will, ha! Not that I'm not excited that there isn't a problem there, but had there been at least maybe we would have an answer or a problem to 'fix'.  His DR suggested that I get in touch with my OB/GYN, that there may be scar tissue that is keeping us from conceiving, why wouldn't my DR think of this? I'm way too grounded to be excited about a 'fix' so I will make an appointment with my DR and we will go from there. I haven't been temping much this cycle, just here and there to get an idea where I'm at in my cycle and to be honest, for the first time in a year I have no idea what cycle day I'm even on. Its nice to not be worried about when we have to have sex or limiting caffiene intake in case I'm ovulating soon but sad at the same time because its like in a sense, I'm giving up on pregnancy. The tests, temping, googling of fertility massages all makes me feel like at least I'm trying even if I know it won't help, I've done all I can and thats all I can do. All thats left? having peace in the thought of Lily being my only and when I go home and study her and wallow in the awesomeness that she is, I have peace. She saved me, from being everything I hate about myself. She is my strength because no matter what road I end up on, no matter where life takes me, I will always have my peace in her.

Grieving. We all need to grieve. It can be as complex as a perfectly planned cycle that fails, the passing of a loved one or as simple as dropping your very last chip on the floor and surpassing the five second rule. Its a part of life, a necessary part of moving forward. You have to allow yourself time, even if its just a second, to mourn. After your time is up, you move on. You gather your thoughts, trying to piece them together and you look forward.  Since the passing of my dear friend, TJ I've been trying to focus on the good in life, its there. The miracles are all around us and he is helping me to see it. It comes in the form of a momma bird building a nest for her littles in a tree at the cemetery, its a song that comes on the radio just as your losing all hope, its a stranger whom remembers a small detail of your lost ones life, its healing in the form of crying, its a new doctor with a new protocol that renews your faith and my personal favorite, a CFA milkshake on a gorgeous day with the windows down, blasting The Band Perry and watching your three year old own it because your day has sucked. Its these little moments in life that remind us to keep going, that the good in life will always outweigh the bad, the happy will always outweigh the hurt, the laughter will be heard over the tears and to sing your little heart out to your favorite song because without fail, it will always make you feel better.

Suck it, self pity!

my greatest blessing calls me mommy

I'm lucky enough to have three mothers in my life and am thankful for each one for shaping me into the person I am today and guiding me through my journey in motherhood. My mom, although we've had our differences along the way and haven't seen eye to eye on many things, one thing we always agree on, is our pure respect and admiration for each other. She and my dad have always been the first and sometimes the only people to tell me how proud they are of me, as a daughter, wife, an employee and a mother. They provided me with the foundation to grow and mature into the person I am. My mom has supported me in everything I do, she's always been just a phone call away and will always drop anything she's doing to help me out. I take pride in making them proud, the values she's given me give me the strength to continue to be successful in more ways that she could know.

My second mom, Judy. She has been in my life for almost 20 years and has played a big part in who I have become. Growing up she was the 'cool' mom. The one you could talk to about anything and was always a 'judgement free' zone. She is still the cool mom and in most ways I'm closer to her than my own mom, she knows all my secrets, my ins and outs, up and downs and all because, she never judges me. I can be my complete and total self around her with no reservations and I always leave knowing she loves me.  She's the strongest person I know, overcoming a parent's worst nightmare of losing a child. She exudes strength like no other and even when she has 'bad' days, we can still see the strength beneath the tears.  She inspires me everyday to live for the day, she makes me happy, she makes me, me.

My mother in law, Rita. The giver, she would spend all her money buying for her children and grand-children. Nothing makes her more happy than getting up early on a Saturday morning to find the best yard sales in town. She loves to give. Rarely does she come home with something for herself, she spends hours picking out the best Gymboree clothes for the babies because giving makes her happy. We also had our differences in the raising of my child and I can take that in stride now, she's a nurturer and its hard for her to let someone else do the nurturing. She exudes love for her loved ones, her favorite place is anywhere her family is. After all, isn't that what is most important in life? your family. I'm thankful to have married into such a loving, welcoming, giving family.

With such great influences in my life, I strive everyday to absorb everything I can from these amazing ladies. I can only hope that I can be as great of a mother as they are as I continue down my journey of parenthood. I hope to have a strong relationship with my daughter, balancing friendship and being a parent, balancing honesty and overbearing and giving her the best of me, every day of my life. I know being a parent is a challenge but I also know the hurt that comes along with not being able to really celebrate Mother's Day, I know how much this upcoming day sucks for an infertile, I know the pain and silent grief that hides behind the smile of an infertile on a day like today and I know just how blessed I am. Wherever my path in life takes me, no matter what gets thrown my way, I'm a survivor. I was born to be stubborn, to be a little bitchy, to push people and push myself. I was taught to never take life for granted, to live a little and love with everything I had, to never give up, to believe in myself but most of all, fight for myself.

Happy Mother's Day!

another day, another pregnancy announcement

I love Monday pregnancy announcements, it really sets the tone for my whole week! This one in particular makes me feel, infertile. She and I were pregnant with our firsts together and since then she has had one more and is now due in October, she will have perfected her family of three before I can even get pregnant with my second. It's days like these when my infertility adventure really sucks. Its all part of 'the plan' right? fate? get at me, fate. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being the strong friend, I want to be the pregnant friend.

Normally I'm flooded with weekly chores as soon as my high heels turn into bare feet when I arrive home from work. On this particular day, I went up to change into my running clothes my two little ducks following close behind, mind you, sorted laundry, made the bed and the three of us ended up lying on it. At that moment we all were reminded all we needed in this world, was right there on that bed. The hub turned to me saying "I love our little family" I smiled back and he says "we need like three more of them" glancing over at Lily concentrating hard while putting on said high heels. "I need a boy to help me do yard work when I'm old, we need more so they come visit us when we're old" we followed the heart warming conversation with "well, the way things are going we'll have one and we'll bug the SHIT out of her all the time since she's the only and she'll never come see us!" But he's right, our lives completely revolve around a three foot, twenty-eight pound pixie. Our lives forever, will be about her. Since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I stopped thinking of myself first, since she was the size of a poppy seed in my uterus, she's been my world. We want to watch more of our children grow and develop and inherit our traits. We want our children to come over for Sunday dinners, even if its cold by the time we eat because we're chasing grandchildren. We want to go to plays and recitals, footballs games and have so many activities going on that we barely have time to breathe. We need more kids.

I caught a commercial for a show on TLC called "Taboo", in a nutshell its a show about crazies who have weird (taboo) "addictions" or ways of life. The very first show on the upcoming season is of a lady who carries around a baby (like the life-like crying babies you get in Childhood education in school). She takes care of it literally like it is a live baby, it stays with her parents occasionally, she carries it from store to store in its car seat, she bathes it, burps it holy shit, this lady is CRAZY but then I got it. She can't have kids, she's a me. She's a crazy infertile like me, this is what infertility adventures do to you, make you carry around pretend babies because that's the closest your going to get to having one. She needs a baby so bad that she caters to a fake baby just to have that feeling at all. SO I get this lady's struggle. A lady.with a fake baby. I'm pretty sure on some level this makes me some kind of crazy but like I said, infertility and crazy go hand in hand. Her choice of dealing with infertility is carrying around a fake baby, my choice of dealing with it is by carrying around a Bud Light. To each their own.

Happy Monday!