I have been a TERRIBLE blogger, friends! Life has been crazy busy and it never helps that every time I sit down to write, Pinterest finds its craftastic way onto my computer. I guess I need to recap since last post, my face has healed nicely, except a few tiny scars, which in time, might fade too. And I have steered clear of all ditch jumping since!
I turned 28 in July and you'll be happy to know I did NOT go to a strip club and puke all over the stage this year! I'm growing up, I know. I did think however, that I would have my shit together by now, that I'd own the business that I got laid off from, that I'd be almost done having kids and still be married but sometimes the universe throws you a curve ball. I didn't want to wake up one morning when I was fifty feeling the same way. Sometimes you see a path, you see a path and you take it, even when you have no idea where its going. I'm 28, I'm living in my parents basement, I have a four year old, I'm divorcing my husband of seven years, every day is a battle but you know what? I feel free. I feel like me. Its been awakening. I've found calmness and comfort in people like never before. I have friends and family who understand me. Who really understand me. Its a beautiful thing (I'm aware that sounds totally gay and shit but I'm running with it because its true. and I added and shit to make it less gay) to have such amazing people in your life.
Divorce is never easy, not by any means. Its hurtful, its long, its painful, it can be costly but when your happiness outweighs all of those things, its worth it. And in time, that scar will fade as well. Its especially hard when both parties don't agree on much, especially when your spouse is still hurt. No, leaving wasn't easy, picking up the pieces wasn't easy, starting over isn't easy but I'm the only one that can be the hero of my own story. Heroes do what needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I still have a long time before I'm where I want to be, but I'm closer than I was. Its hard to compromise with someone who doesn't see things your way, or sees things for worse than they are and that works both ways. Its finding a center line, finding any kind of center in a world of chaos. Its patience, its work and most importantly, its hiding whatever hurt you are feeling, whatever anger you're holding onto and doing what needs to be done, for your child. You, both, are all that child has and to show her that even though things didn't work out, you are still there for her. Still fighting, for her.
Lily Grace is as mean as she is cute, your typical spitfire of a four year old. Girl's got a tude but she as smart as she can be. I find myself getting a little teary eyed thinking of her starting real school next year, thinking if she thinks how different things are or could have been but I don't dwell there too much, because this is the life she knows and, she's happy too. She has questions every now and then and I answer the best way I can and we move on, she's not dumb and would have always known if mom was happy or not. Maybe one day when she understands, she can be proud of me. Granted, I walked out on a marriage but at the same time, did what felt right in my heart. If it teaches her to follow that, to chase dreams, to think for herself, then I'll have accomplished that. And, if not, I hope she can forgive me. I had my mini-vacay with her, we went to the zoo with a dear friend, did the waterpark one day and the beach another. My ex took her to Disney World, WTF, way to top me on that one. Can you ever really top Disney World? I don't think so. None the less, she doesn't do without, she is healthy and most of all, loved. She's going to move mountains, that one.
I'm still me.
I have a boyfriend. He keeps my feet anchored to the ground, and my heart in the clouds. We all know I'm a little wild and instead of taming that wild heart of mine, he runs with it. He makes me happy without even knowing it,
I still prefer taco bell over a five course meal.
I still stop by chick fil a when the banana pudding milkshakes come out.
I still need my girls.
I'm still crazy.
and of course I still drink wine and cuss like a sailor, duh!
It takes a multitude of emotions to look back over this past year and how much has changed. My blog went from a journey for another baby to a journey of divorce. Sometimes I'm not sure if the two somehow, in some way,coincide or maybe had a part in this amongst other things but time will do its thing. And if there is one thing I know, time is one thing that doesn't change.
Rock bottom was the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. Who knows what the future holds, but I'm here now and I'm fine with it.
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