the road less traveled



Nope, not me.

 "I'm your biggest fan I'll follow you until you love me, papa, paparazzi" That song was all I could think about amidst the tons of people who showed up on Main Street Monday for a quick glimpse of the man himself, Clint Eastwood. I snapped a few pictures with my phone, it was really neat (who says neat? for lack of a better word) to see the crew setting up and filming in our little town. I got a few early morning errands out of the way and while in the post office the guy in front of me complained the entire time about how "our cops could be out doing other stuff, not barricading for a movie and this is delaying court" oh be serious. its a day, one day and its Clint mother effing Eastwood. Rumor has it he's staying with Robert Duvall (a Fauquier county native) and they are doing some additional filming at a barn near The Plains. It was a pretty big deal for us Fauquieriens, it put us on the map!

http://www.warrentonvirginia.org/?p=600

Today is my last day of Clomid, CD7. I usually O on CD 16 when I take it days 3-7, so I'll be gearing up for that. Same stuff as last cycle, switched the Clomid days, still doing pre-seed and EPO but not the baby aspirin. Maybe if I switch things up just a little bit each month we'll find the right combination. I'm hopeful, but too grounded to get excited yet.

“Sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.”

 Once again, Meredith Grey knows her shit. She’s also an infertile and yes I realize she is just a character on a show but still, I heart her. Anyway, to the point...I recently had an old friend come back into my life who hasn't been a part of it for the last 10 years. We caught up about four years ago for a month and then the distance began to grow between us for reasons that took this friend a long time to accept. I don't think its right to welcome yourself in and out of my life when its convenient to you but this person was a big part of my life and its nice to see this friend at a good point in their life, too. My problem is, this friend isn't good for me. As nice as it is to have them back, I know that road we will travel on and my gut tells me to steer clear of that road. (you know, the one that's dirt, gloomy, dark, over run with vines and is as long as your eyes can see, the one that your mom tells you not to go down because no one knows whats down there, but they know it ain't good.) That road. I have to say goodbye, I know I do but I'm so sick of saying goodbye, I said it to four people last year and it is the hardest thing I've ever done. Those four people happen to be my guardian angels now but the hurt involved in saying goodbye, is the same. Sometimes we have to realize that people can stay in our hearts but not in our lives, sometimes you make up lies and try to make yourself believe them, sometimes you lay in bed trying to put the pieces together, sometimes you confide in someone to verify that your're making the right choice even when you know that you're the only one that can make that decision and sometimes, sometimes we just have to let go. Letting go, is the hardest part. Letting go of the past, of the 'what could have been', of unresolved feelings and uncertainty. And looking forward to the future and all that it brings. Seeing beyond what I can feel and trusting that I'll end up where I'm meant to be. Trusting that I am on the right road, the one that I'm supposed to be on. If I can let go, like really let go and never look back, I can be free.

I'm not lucky, I'm blessed

Three days down, two to go and then its just the 3-9 day wait for O! With my previous attempts at Oing with Clomid, I would O around CD15-16, so I'm hoping the same for this go round. I'm really amped (yes, I just said amped) about this cycle. I even cut to de-caff coffee, this is monumental! Hub has his s/a this week, finally. I expect it to be totally normal but at least we'll know.

My eating routine is almost back to normal however I did enjoy the ice cream, banana cookie pudding and applesauce diet while it lasted. I was actually really surprised at how fast it was, 20 minutes to numb, 10 to pull. He pulled the first one and I said "seriously? its out already?" it may have come out more blurred than that seeing how chipmunk cheek syndrome was in full affect. I was out of the office in 30 minutes, way better than being put under and like $400 cheaper, hollaa! I'm not good with seeing-your-own-blood type stuff. When I was admitted to the hospital to have Lily, the nurse was trying to put my IV in and messed up and my blood started squirting everywhere--que pale face, rapid heartbeat, cold sweat and passing out. Ever since that episode I'm all nervous about giving blood, taking blood anything blood related freaks me out now.

I've come to realize how blessed I am to have the hub, as a dad. He's not a 'normal' dad, he's amazing. He doesn't drive 45 minutes to drop his kid off so he can sleep in, he misses her when she's been gone 5 minutes. He endures hours of Barney or Elmo for the chance to lay on the couch with her while she eats her popcorn and asks him to pass her juice. He dances with her at the end of her favorite movie, much in the way he will dance with her at her wedding. He exudes so much love for that little pixie of ours and I am so thankful for him, for that. He never complains about the way my mood changes with the wind regarding our infertility issues. He's my backbone and the structure in which we will continue to build our family. I can't wait to make him a dad again and if I can't, then I know Lily will bless us more than we'll ever know.

a plan of sorts

I started spotting Sunday, as I do every cycle that AF shows and of course she arrived Monday morning. I don't get it, five days, FIVE, like in a row and egg and sperm couldn't meet? seriously? this only verifies that something has to be wrong. Luckily hubby's s/a consult is March 1st, I'm anxious for it to get here but at the same time what if it comes back normal again? There will be no more answers than we have now, which are none. AF was a lot lighter than normal and because of my lower than normal temps I'm thinking that my O wasn't a 'good' one.  I'm going to do Clomid 50 mg CD5-9 this cycle, I know that I O on my own but I'm hoping this will help me O better, if that's even possible. My last Clomid attempts I took it CD3-7 which helps ovulation by creating many follicles, CD5-9 will only create a few but gives them more time to mature so maybe the change in Clomid is just what my body needs. I've got three Clomid refills left and I'm not going any higher on the dosage since it completely diminished my CM the last time I took it not to mention its known for thinning your uterine lining. I'm also taking baby aspirin this cycle (its supposed to help thicken the lining) and evening primrose oil prior to O, to help with the CM. So that's my plan, for this month and until we can come up with the money we need for the IUI. I'd really like to set a goal, the hub can travel for work and earn a good bonus for doing so (WTF is he waiting for?) He's never done it before but he's going to inquire about it this week! Bring on the night sweats, hot flashes and mood swings!

I semi 'outed' myself on FB last week. I'm doing this 30 Days in Pictures thing and one day was 'a picture of your biggest insecurity'. Mine, of course is when or if god will bless us with another baby. One of my 'friends' commented that she "has been trying for 9 years with no luck and to keep the faith", I nicely replied and went on about my day. My dear friend brought to my attention that if this girl was trying for 9 years, she started trying when she was SIXTEEN. She also has never been married nor even in a steady relationship until just recently. My friend totally called her out on it and the girls response "I tried off and on for a few years but I don't want kids right now, we're waiting until we're married" WTF, than you can't claim to be an infertile! Yes, this is the suckiest club, ever in the history of clubs BUT until you have woken up every single morning for the past year to stick a thermometer in your mouth, forked out hundreds of dollars on fertility tests and medications, experience hot flashes in the middle of the night that make you feel like your are literally lying next to satan, have had an absolutely heartbreaking loss and have had more doctors and nurses peek into your vagina than your husband than no, NO you do not get to claim yourself as an infertile. {insert explicit gesture here}

Please check out the following blog, she's having a give-away for reaching 100 followers!
http://unaffectedbyyou.blogspot.com/2011/02/100-followers-giveaway.html

I leave you with parenting tips from Shine.com, I, personally have heard every.single.one. Enjoy!

The 10 Most Irritating, Least Helpful Parenting Tips Ever

I have nothing against friends and family offering advice when you come to them with a dilemma. It's the people who pipe up, unbidden, because they see you with a child and assume you have no idea what you're doing. Too often these people are elderly great-aunts. Fortunately those ladies are afraid of the Internet, so I can rail against them and they'll be none the wiser! Thanks, ladies.

1. "Sleep now, because once that baby comes you'll never sleep again." Technically this is a pregnancy tip, of course, but I'm shoving it in here anyway. Yes, Great-Aunt Hildy, I will sleep throughout my entire third trimester. Because I am part bear.

2. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Everyone gives you this one — annoying relatives, pediatricians, the cashier at the drugstore where you were buying newborn diapers. Are these people all robots, capable of instantly dropping off to sleep whenever their child is unconscious? Do they not have other things to do, like bathe, or simply relish the rare moments of silence you get when you have an infant?

3. "I think your baby's hungry." Whether you're nursing or bottle-feeding, everyone assumes you don't know how to feed your child. And every time your child cries, whines, grimaces, or squirms, they are going to assume you are starving your poor baby and you need reminders to feed it. Lest you forget! This advice is especially maddening when they turn out to be correct.

4. "Relish every moment of your baby's first years, because they'll be grown before you know it." You mean, time only moves forward? I had no idea! I thought we'd be like this forever and ever! This sort of advice, obvious and innocuous as it seems, always put me on the defensive, as if I had just been carrying my baby under my arm like a football, muttering, "Grow up already, why don't you. Just GROW UP."

5. "I hope you're sleep training that child. Do you WANT him to be spoiled?" Oh, distant relative/person whose aisle I shared at the supermarket, I'm so glad you know exactly my child needs. And that you know, from your years of scientific research, that any child not allowed to cry it out will be a horrible waste of flesh! (See #6 for this parenting tip's counterpart.)

6. "I hope you're not doing that 'crying it out' thing. It's so barbaric. Enjoy your baby all through the night!" Again, kudos to you, whoever you are, for knowing what's best for our unique family situation! I will be calling you at 4 a.m., so you can enjoy our baby as well.

7. "Why are you bringing your child outside when it's so cold out?" It never ceased to amaze me that, no matter what my child's age, total strangers will express alarm and revulsion that I dared expose him to the elements. "And WHY ISN'T BE WEARING MITTENS? He's going to get consumption!"

8. "Your child isn't really sad/angry/injured. He's just manipulating you." There's no doubt that children can push our buttons as if they've had professional training in it, but the notion that my kid's authentic feelings are in fact manufactured to elicit a reaction really chaps my hide. If that were always true, he'd be a pint-sized sociopath.  I'm pretty sure that's not the case.

9. "Schools are just glorified prisons. If you loved your child, you'd homeschool." Oh, if only I loved my child enough to abandon my livelihood, tear him away from the community he so enjoys, separate him from the professionals who have dedicated their careers to childhood education, and forced him to stay home all day with me, where we'd be at each other's throats for hours! If only! Please note: I am not opposed to homeschooling, at all — in fact I wish it would work for us, but it would not.

10. "If I were you, I'd just—" OH NO YOU DON'T. I know where this is going. Listen, unnamed distant acquaintance who last parented in the 19th century (it's true — I often get my unwanted advice from ghosts) you don't know diddly about my kid, and our relationship, and what works for us.