rock bottom

Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. You've come to the edge of your darkness and feel you'll either be taught how to fly or find solid ground but you're left falling to a whole 'nother left of uncertainty. I was laid off from my nine year job. This only adds to the shitstorm 2012 has been for me. The only stable, certain thing in my life to this point was my job. I was completely blindsided last Tuesday. I came in like normal and everything was fine, I was in the middle of lunch and my boss asked to speak to me when I got a chance so I put my fork of mac 'n cheese down and walked in and sat down with a smile on my face. I could have never braced myself for what was to come next. "I've been thinking about downsizing for awhile and feel its the time in my life to terminate your employment, effective immediately" as in, get your shit and get to steppin'. "I know it may be a little shock to you but I didn't know where this was going. There is a box for your things, take the rest of the week. I will give you a great reference and pay you through Friday" Are you fucking kidding me? I know she could read the floored expression on my face because she was all "I know this is bad timing with all you have going on but its just time" I sat there, wordless because this was the very last thing I was expecting and I said "I'm sorry I have no emotion, I am just floored" I walked out back and just cried. I was supposed to take this business over, this is all I know, I've been here for nine years. I guess I was more hurt that she was shady enough to handle it the way she did. What, you've been thinking about it for awhile but you can't give someone who is like a daughter to you a little heads up? Even a week? SOMETHING? I gathered myself and went back in and was all "can we just talk for a minute?" So I sat back down and asked if it was me. Was it something I did, didn't do or could be doing? It had to be me, you don't just lay someone off like that. She confirmed it wasn't me, that it was the time in her life and it had to be done. With that being said, I went in and put my nine years worth of things in a box. As I finished packing my desk and put my keys on it I told her I was leaving, she went to give me a hug. I just left, had she come to me and gave me a "hey, I'm going to close up shop you might want to start looking around" a few weeks ago, this all would have been fine. It was literally rock bottom for me. Since January, my husband and I have been separated, I was asked to leave where I was living, moved in somewhere else. Some of my family won't even look at me and then I lose my job. The worst has to be over now, I'm so ready to breathe again. I'm ready to be proud again. I know god doesn't give you more than you can handle and I know he's giving me all of this, because it might break someone else. He knows I'm a fighter and maybe this job thing is a good thing. Maybe I will get a job with benefits, make more, who knows. I have to think of it as good or I'll drive right into that lake I was talking about! kidding! I've been pounding the pavement job searching. In the first week I filed for unemployment, made a resume because of course I didn't have one and sent out twelve of them bitches. Things are already starting to look up. I went for my first interview yesterday and while its a new business, its exactly what I do. I think it's a good match and after 60 days I'll be making more than I did and have health benefits. Its also still in the area, a few of the jobs I've applied for have been in the city and I really don't want the commute but when you need a job, a commute is the least of your worries. I've never had to worry about where I'm going to get money to pay my bills, how I'm going to make the mortgage payment so when your faced with the harsh reality of that, nothing motivates you more. There is one good thing about rock bottom, once you've hit it, it gives you hope that it can only get better from here. You have no where else to go but up. I have moments of weakness, more here lately than ever but I remember that I am strong. I remember that I have friends who pick me up, every single time. I remember that the past doesn't control your future. I will get this job and get off my knees and back onto my own two feet. I will get my own place so I can have Lily more. I will be better. Rock bottom changes you, it makes shit real, it makes you better and its all in how you look at it because just when you think it can't get any better, it can.

Not all those who wander, are lost. (and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked me)

Just when things start to level themselves out, you get a fucking black eye. Really? It looks like someone straight up punched me right in the eye, cut on the eyebrow and all. I need a cool story other than what really happened, so I figure I'll go with Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked me. OR it was a crack drug deal gone wrong too soon? Actually, its entirely because I'm short. I was reaching for the mac&cheese on the very top shelf, next to a giant can of beans. Beans fell, busted me IN THE FACE and blood started pouring out. So, yeah. Chuck Norris kicking me is far better than a can of pork and beans attacking me. C'mon life, give a girl a break!

*****

I took the little to see The Lorax Sunday, it was actually pretty cute. It was a nice day out so I was assuming most people would not be at the movie theatre, I assumed wrong. After we spent a million dollars on popcorn and Pepsi we finally made our way into the crowded theatre. I didn't want to  sit up close because that's gay, so I scanned around and found two open seats on the end about half way up, perfect. We sit down and the jackhole behind perfect said seats is all "Really?" I looked back and he's got two kids with him and apparently I sat in the seat in front of one of the kids. Its god damn movie theatre guy, and stadium seats, and I have a three year old. After giving him the stink eye I was all "Yep". I mean, I'm not a giraffe, I'm just pushing 5 feet tall and if you want a crowd less movie, just stay your ass at home. I hate the seats at this theatre, they don't recognize Lily's whole 30 pound body and anytime she sit backs, it folds her into a sandwich so anytime I take her, I spend the ENTIRE movie holding her seat down so she doesn't go batshit crazy and fall in between, passing her the 100 pound Pepsi and licking glorious popcorn butter off my fingers. We're a hot mess but we have the best time. And its these little things that will stand out for her, and for me. I love when her conversations start with "Remember that time we.." I love giving her memories and seeing her turning into this beautiful girl she is becoming, soothes my soul.

*****
I haven't been home in two months and twelve days. I know through all of this I've made a lot of people unhappy, I've broken some hearts, some bridges have been burned and I have great remorse for anyone that I've hurt however I'd much rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. It's as simple as that. Above all, I try be considerate of others feelings while staying true to myself and that's really all I can do. If people want to be a part of your life, whether it be your new one and old one or a revised one, they will be in it. Much like when you have children, some people can't accommodate your new life and so, they fall short and phase themselves out. Much like I imagine of you were to find out someone really close to you, or perhaps your child, were gay. Some people can't handle it, so they don't. Just as you make your own choices, so do others. I feel like my situation is similar to that. I was unhappy. I left my husband on a quest to find myself. To find my way back to him. Hell, to find something anything that I felt would fill whatever void was within me. The people who have chosen to leave my side are expecting failure but they should know me better than that, its just not an option. I'm stable. I haven't missed any work, my bills are paid and up to date, my baby girl is healthy, happy and gets to see both of parents, albeit separately, but equally. I have a legion of unbiased support. I am not failing and you can't build up the weak, by bringing down the strong.  And while I have moments of sadness and weakness, moments where I let myself feel words spoken and see the hurt and disappointment on faces, I also have moments that I let happiness shine through. Maybe I'm not supposed to, maybe I'm supposed to feel like shit for the rest of my life, maybe I am supposed to fail but taking the little on mommy&me dates, talking for hours over wine with a dear friend, coffee surprisingly being delivered to work and the realization that this is my life and it can be whatever I want it to be, make me happy. When your back is against the wall, I've found that this is what you do: breathe. be thankful for what you DO have. Save your strength for things you can change. Forgive the ones you can't. The best remedies are sleep and laughter, well, and wine. Do what is right in your heart, whether it makes sense, whether its right or wrong. Because people will judge you always, no matter what and you are the only one who knows what is felt in your heart. And that's all that matters.

you carry the words around with you like spare change

I stopped taking my happy pills, or as I like to refer to them, my makes me lose 10 pounds and everyone thinks I'm on crack pills. No, seriously. They made me have no appetite at all and while some people are all, "I would LOVE to be on pills that make me lose weight" hi, have you met me? That was not a healthy weight for me. People literally thought I was on drugs, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that, give me a little credit, I have an irrational fear of becoming ugly and I'm pretty sure crack would make me ugly. I also have no idea where I would buy it or what you even do with it, lick it of the rim of a wine glass? The pills also made me pretty numb to any emotion, I felt like I walked around in a cloud. So, apologies to anyone that I blankly stared at as you tried to talk to me about life choices. It was the crazy pills and probably my ADD, but mostly the pills. The DR who prescribed them, or pushed them, advised that they would more or less calm your nerves and let you get your thoughts straight but I feel it altered them and when you're going through something so important, I feel you should be in your own state of mind, an unmedicated state of mind because feeling anything, any emotion is better than feeling nothing at all. It feels good getting healthy and getting back to me. Life is challenging in itself, throw in some crazy pills and you're in for a shitstorm of events but because of these trials and challenges, your strength is tested in a multitude of ways. Its amazing the things you can overcome and how a three hour chat over a glass of wine with a girlfriend one evening can re-charge you when you felt so beaten down. A few bridges have been burned and the smoke is starting to settle and it might be a long road to begin repairing them. Words can be very hurtful and can't be taken back. Forgiven? yes but forgotten, never. Choices have consequences. Rights have wrongs but sometimes, things aren't black and white. There can be so much grey area not seen by people. The bridges can be rebuilt. The hearts can be mended, they may always be bruised, but they will heal in time. For what its worth, its never too late to be whoever you want to be. To live a life you are proud of and if you find that you're not, to have the strength to start all over again. I'm still me. The door to my life, is always open to anyone who wants to come in.

I'm off to pick up my baby girl and enjoy the company of some friends then looking forward to a quiet weekend. Happy day, friends!