trying to make it work but man these times are hard

·                                 “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

 

 

 Whats this? A quote that isn't from Meredith grey? *pats self on back* I try, I try really hard to be strong and to look at the good opposed to the bad in all aspects of life. I try hard to have peace with my journey as it is and to be happy within myself. I try to step out of the box and be grateful for what I do have and I'm good at doing this, I'm good at putting things in perspective, seeing the 'bigger picture' but sometimes? sometimes this just plain out really fucking sucks. Sometimes this wall I have up gets so weak and just wants to crumble under pressure. Sometimes I'm just tired of trying to keep my head above water, this must be what it feels like to drown, you fight, you gasp for air at any given chance of oxygen, you see light and hope and then your body just can't fight anymore, you feel like your slipping away, water fills your lungs and you surrender. sorry to go so emo there, but that HAS to be what its like. I am blessed and I know that but I'm allowed to be bitter sometimes because this shit is hard. Money is work, love is work, life is work. I'm a fighter, I've been dealt a shitty hand of cards and have played them to perfection. The hub is supportive, he really tries hard to be but he just doesn't quite get why I get so 'debbie downer' sometimes. His feelings? If all we're meant to have, if what we have right now is all we're going to have, then that's ok, he's ok with this. I agree, we've worked hard and it's paid off, we have a good life but for the first time ever, no matter how hard I work, pregnancy is something I can't control. No matter how hard I work for it, fight for it, it's not something I can plan for. Its like trying to cross a canyon that's ever widening, no matter how many ways you look at it, plan it, dive right in, it just seems even more far away. I don't know that I'll ever have 'peace' with it because I feel like my job as a mom isn't done. I'm not ready to sell the bottles or give away the tiny baby clothes. I'm ready to be a mom again. It's been fun, doing all the fun stuff us ttcer's aren't supposed to do, the tanning, running, beer & coffee drinking, but I'll always long to give up every bit of that for a shrimp to inhabit my uterus for 40 weeks. I'm ready for my withered cervix to get control of herself and be a slut and let her sperm friends in for an orgy. too much? I'm ready for what's next in life, I'm ready to jump in feet first. Get at me, life, give me all you've got.  I'm tired and in the words of Nikki Minaj "I'm not talkin poultry when I say this chicken's fried"

Had a date night with the hub last Saturday. We went to see Water For Elephants (you must read it,loved it) and got there and they just stopped showing it the day before. I had my little heart set on comparing movie to book so I sulked for a couple minutes and we figured we were there so we had to see something. We ended up agreeing on The Fast Five, there were only four to choose from and Rango 3D wasn't high on my 'to see' list. It ended up being a good movie, the original actors were in it and it was action from beginning to end and of course, one of the main characters, is pregnant. I swear to god preggo's follow me everywhere I go. Anyway, there was a toast in the middle of the movie along the lines of " everyone in this room right here, right now, is all we need. Family" They were friends but sometimes, our friends, are our family. I can't say enough about my amazing support system of close friends (& a cousin), its unbelievable how your given the people you need in your life. You always have who you need, the world has a funny way of giving you exactly what or in this case, who, you need. Whether its the one who sends a funny text at the exact moment your ready to burst into tears, the one that makes fun of every single newborn baby because she's convinced they aren't up to par with your kid, the one who thanks you for your perspective and outlook on life and the ones that remember every single DR appointment and blood draw you have scheduled. These inner circle friends save me, save me from being a bitter ol' bitch, they save me from driving myself insane, they save me in ways they will never know. This adventure I'm on? I can't do it alone, I can't fight it by myself and they make sure, I don't have to.

I'm up earlier than the little with my perfect cup of coffee in hand and watching the early morning sun rising over the tops of the houses across the street. This is going to be a good, long weekend. The community pool opens tomorrow, and we're spending the day at the lake with some favorites on Monday. I'll tuck the bitter ol' bitch in me away and break out the classy Chanel's, my favorite bathing suit and my this-is-the-good-life smile. I'm ready for life this weekend, I'm ready for chlorine in my hair and towels drying on the porch, I'm ready for sun kissed skin and a few "you make me so happy"s from my curly haired pixie. I'm ready for a weekend 'off' from infertility. Where's my bud light? ;) Happy weekend, friends!

running, rescheduling & regrets

It seems I haven't ovulated yet, why does this surprise me? My body rarely works with me in ovulating on time, it kind of concerns me because I did Clomid CD 3-7 and you should O between 3-9 days after the last pill--which would have been CD 16, I'm on freaking CD 21. My chart is pretty lame and consistent so maybe there is still hope for this cycle, next month will be the one year mark since my HSG. I'm not sure if I'll need to have that done again, I know I will if I stop ovulating but in the scheme of things I don't know how long the good ol' tube cleaning lasts. The hub had to reschedule his s/a (again) because of work related issues so now of course he won't be seen until May 10th, another month away. It would just be nice to get this part of the process over with and to know whether there are problems there or not, at least we would have an idea of what we're up against. So more waiting for us, whats new? We're always waiting, waiting for whats next, for the next cycle, for the blood work results, waiting for the bigger picture. I'll wait for forever for my baby. One thing I always postponed was exercising. One time I had read that in woman who 'over' exercise right, like that's possible since my jaunt from the couch to fridge is exhausting it can cause their body to stop ovulating. I was always so afraid I would shock my body into healthiness and cause it to stop ovulating again, I mean clearly my ovaries have issues as it is, I didn't want to give them any more reason to crap out on me. I had been postponing running for a year and I stopped. I stopped worrying what if, because not exercising wasn't doing much for those eggs of mine so maybe, maybe running can be a good thing. I have a hard time with boundaries anyway, I walk that thin fine line between things like I'm walking on a tightrope. So I'm running, in moderation. I'm up to 2.5 miles in 30 minutes and I feel amazing. You get to the point where your past the "I think I'm going to pass out" phase and it feels as if you could run forever, you feel free. "Running is real. It's all joy and woe, hard as diamond. It makes you weary beyond comprehension, but it also makes you FREE"

I was talking to a dear friend yesterday, this is the same friend in this post that I swore I would say goodbye to, clearly I have not done that. Don't judge, I'm enjoying catching up. I know what I should do and what I need to do I'm just needing more time. Fate brought them back into my life for a reason and for the reason, I need them. I don't know how you're supposed to just forget someone who has impacted your life so much. Anyway, with all that's going on in my life, this friend makes me feel free, just like that running free I was talking about. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not being given my baby because I can't let go or because I maybe chose the road always traveled and should have went with the one less traveled. I know god sees the bigger picture and he has a plan for me and I may have what I think is what I want but if I really wanted it, I wouldn't be second guessing it. Sometimes, sometimes change is everything. Sometimes, as much as you pray about it, you have to realize its not in your control, its never been in your control. For once, it would be nice to control something in my life. Life changes us, we face our greatest fears and we learn from our mistakes. I guess all we can do is close our eyes, take a step and hope to god we make it. What's meant to be will always find its way.

the road less traveled



Nope, not me.

 "I'm your biggest fan I'll follow you until you love me, papa, paparazzi" That song was all I could think about amidst the tons of people who showed up on Main Street Monday for a quick glimpse of the man himself, Clint Eastwood. I snapped a few pictures with my phone, it was really neat (who says neat? for lack of a better word) to see the crew setting up and filming in our little town. I got a few early morning errands out of the way and while in the post office the guy in front of me complained the entire time about how "our cops could be out doing other stuff, not barricading for a movie and this is delaying court" oh be serious. its a day, one day and its Clint mother effing Eastwood. Rumor has it he's staying with Robert Duvall (a Fauquier county native) and they are doing some additional filming at a barn near The Plains. It was a pretty big deal for us Fauquieriens, it put us on the map!

http://www.warrentonvirginia.org/?p=600

Today is my last day of Clomid, CD7. I usually O on CD 16 when I take it days 3-7, so I'll be gearing up for that. Same stuff as last cycle, switched the Clomid days, still doing pre-seed and EPO but not the baby aspirin. Maybe if I switch things up just a little bit each month we'll find the right combination. I'm hopeful, but too grounded to get excited yet.

“Sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.”

 Once again, Meredith Grey knows her shit. She’s also an infertile and yes I realize she is just a character on a show but still, I heart her. Anyway, to the point...I recently had an old friend come back into my life who hasn't been a part of it for the last 10 years. We caught up about four years ago for a month and then the distance began to grow between us for reasons that took this friend a long time to accept. I don't think its right to welcome yourself in and out of my life when its convenient to you but this person was a big part of my life and its nice to see this friend at a good point in their life, too. My problem is, this friend isn't good for me. As nice as it is to have them back, I know that road we will travel on and my gut tells me to steer clear of that road. (you know, the one that's dirt, gloomy, dark, over run with vines and is as long as your eyes can see, the one that your mom tells you not to go down because no one knows whats down there, but they know it ain't good.) That road. I have to say goodbye, I know I do but I'm so sick of saying goodbye, I said it to four people last year and it is the hardest thing I've ever done. Those four people happen to be my guardian angels now but the hurt involved in saying goodbye, is the same. Sometimes we have to realize that people can stay in our hearts but not in our lives, sometimes you make up lies and try to make yourself believe them, sometimes you lay in bed trying to put the pieces together, sometimes you confide in someone to verify that your're making the right choice even when you know that you're the only one that can make that decision and sometimes, sometimes we just have to let go. Letting go, is the hardest part. Letting go of the past, of the 'what could have been', of unresolved feelings and uncertainty. And looking forward to the future and all that it brings. Seeing beyond what I can feel and trusting that I'll end up where I'm meant to be. Trusting that I am on the right road, the one that I'm supposed to be on. If I can let go, like really let go and never look back, I can be free.

and I'll find strength in pain

Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting. I fight for everything. How do some people skim through life so easily and anything I do is a challenge? I know that my trials make me who I am and make me strong but its really hard to be strong, when you just can't find the strength. I fought for Lily, I fought cancer (no, it wasn't full blown, but it will be back, it will), I fought through three deaths last year, I fought through my grandmothers diagnosis of breast cancer, my dad's deteriorating health and colon surgery and my mothers blood clots, I fought for my house, I fought for a memorial tattoo for my body, I fought for a dog and lost, I fought for my second baby in heaven and lost and I'm fighting for another baby. When do I get a chance to have something go easy for me? Maybe its just the gloomy rainy weather today, maybe its all the pregnancy announcements lately that I'm not a part of, maybe I'm one of those people who finds strength in pain. You know that saying "if its worth fighting for, then get your gloves"  But there comes a point when you've fought all you can fight and given it your best, when do you stop? When do you realize that the gloves have to come off and that you've been defeated? I'm a fighter baby, and I'm not giving up.

I have post-its for everything, I mean everything. My brain is on post-its, I should buy stock. Anyway, my post it for this morning reads " IUI Insurance, Tequila" If one doesn't work out move onto the other, right? Kidding! (well sort of, I just don't want people thinking I'm an alcoholic and send me emails regarding drinking and pregnancy, ha!) I read on a fellow blog a few months ago that there is an insurance company that covers a few states that also provides IUI insurance however, you can't let them know beforehand that you're a crazy infertile because they would classify it as a 'pre-existing condition'. I'm not sure how it works, so I sign up for IUI coverage and the same week I get my card show up at the RE's office? How do you do that without looking shady? I really don't even care as long as I can get at least one IUI cycle done for around $300. I will piss rainbows onto that 'pre-existing condition'! And as for the other part of the post-it, the hub's birthday is Saturday, we're doing dinner at Chili's with his fam and some of mine and then going to back our house for cupcakes and margaritas! He's not a drinker but I will fully partake in some birthday celebrations margs, don't judge me.

I thank god everyday for my inner circle of friends, the ones who know me to my core and send me "I Love you's" when they know my day has been overwhelming, the ones who shoot me a quick email to say they said a prayer for me last night, the ones who really care about me, amidst all that is going on in their lives, they remember. The ones who don't show sympathy, but support. The ones who care enough to give me their honest advice and opinions without worrying if it will hurt my feelings. The ones who remember my Dr's appointments and know as much about my cycle as I do. I love these girls. I love that when my week is proving to be too strong they pick me up, every time. They get me and I would have thrown in the towel by now, without them. Thank you girls, your amazing friendship does not go unnoticed. I hope that I can always be here for you, in the ways you've been here for me.

My dear friend  told me to listen to this song yesterday, it's been in his head all week and it was so appropriate, like he subconsciously knew, that I needed this.