Compromise, couponing & Corona's

I'm not big at couponing, I try, which usually means me cutting a few out of the Sunday paper and generally forgetting to use them when I go to the store, leaving them to expire by the time I actually remember I have them. I've never been big at finding the best deal on anything, but since moving into the bigger house I'm finding I need to be better, I need to try and save money where I can. I'm slowly trying to break into the whole couponing world and I'm finding 'the early bird gets the worm' is the motto. I went to Safeway for their weekly deals, granted I didn't go on 'opening' sale day but I figured I was stepping in the right direction by expanding my possibilities and going somewhere other than Wal-Mart for my shit. Apparently, couponing is a sport. For the love of everything holy, all I wanted were the .99 pantyliners, .99 toothpaste and the $4.50 pizza (which I did manage to get)  I mean I'm all for the couponers, but seriously? If I ever blog about my 'steals' of 50 boxes of tampons, 100 tubes of toothpaste and my trek all over town for .99 pantyliners, farm hand me. I was running late (surprise, right?) and didn't want to ask someone if there were more in back for fear of the poor unassuming cashier feeling the wrath of a hormonal infertile who got her period this month and can't find any god damn .99 pantyliners. This is what us humans do, we compete, for everything. We find a good deal, but want a better one. And when we do find a good deal, we take all that's left of it.  We're constantly on the look out for the next best thing. We are freaks. My husband has told me on occasion, you don't always get what you want. Life is compromise and sometimes, you have to let things go. Why is it so hard for us to be happy with just what we have? Like you won't be happy until you have every single .99 item the grocery store has but really once you get there and you do have it all, you'll still end up searching for more. You'll always want the next bigger thing, you always think that if you just had a little more, you'd be happy. Really though, you have to choose to be happy. You make the choice in the morning to wake up and be happy, happiness is not a destination, its a way of travel. You can choose to be jealous of the neighbor with the Audi, three kids and pool or you can be happy with your Saturn, only child and .99 pantyliners. For me, someone telling me I can't have something, only drives me. It adds fuel to the fire of life and makes me want to prove that I can, whatever I set my mind to, I do it. By standers can see a train wreck coming from a mile away but for some of us, we have to experience it, live it and learn from it before we can really understand it. Compromise, like anything, is hard. I have a hard time saying 'no' to anything. I take on too much, always. My plate is always full. I try not to bear my weight on anyone else's shoulders (unless its a quick venting sesh to clear my brain for the big stuff) and too many times I carry my own weight and then some. I don't even know if I'll be able to take on the IUI in September, mentally or physically. I've got a lot of my bosses weight on my shoulders and am feeling slightly overwhelmed with the pace of work already.  Its good to be challenged, to be aware of what you can handle and to gain experience in areas you can learn from. I think you learn a lot about yourself when you challenge yourself. If .99 items make you happy, then for the love of god go crazy and buy them all. I realize this post was a little all over the place, not even really sure what I was getting at, this is how my brain works and I didn't feel like tying things together so its a bit of a cluster of thoughts. I promise when I get back from vaca, I'll do better.

We're leaving for vacation Saturday, staying with my sister in law and her family who are stationed in Jacksonville, NC. I'm leaving work, infertility and worry behind. I'm replacing those things with beer, a beach chair and sunshine on my shoulders. There is something so soothing about the smell of coconut sunscreen, salty air and sand in your ass crack.

oh hey brain, I've missed you

Woke up late. Ran out of time to blow dry my hair. Kid woke up early. Cried for 23 minutes because she couldn't wear a 'pretty dress' or her Dora flip flops that are too small. Got my period (I'll explain below). Hub calls, forgot ALL of his softball stuff, in which he needs to play tonight. Awesome! gather his softball shit that is strewn throughout the house. Get crying three year old juice, a snack, and in the car. Hit the car door on a giant ladder in our garage (wtf!). Ate Captain Crunch while driving, no spoon. Que more crying because I left my ipod and couldn't play "Homeboy" or "Bow chicka wow wow". All before 7:30 this morning. All that balance of work/mom shit, totally out the window this morning, I wanted to scream, pretty sure I did at some point, not at the kid, just in the general direction of everything. I hate losing my cool, I don't want the little to remember Ma, the ol' bitch who screams out like she has torrett's and puts the box of cereal in the fridge because she is legitimately crazy. I want to be Mom, who stops for milkshakes, jams to cool songs and won't tell Dad if you want birth control. Sometimes its hard to balance crazy mom with cool mom and sometimes its ok to just scream, because it always makes you feel better. I said sorry for screaming, she said "its ok, its just a accident" and off we went. Pretty sure cool mom won this morning. Put that in your juice box and suck it, crazy mom.

****

"The sudden disappointment of hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes" Basically, even if I ever do get another baby, my soul will always be bruised. Af, Aunt Flo, "the witch", Mother Nature's monthly 'gift' whatever you call it, I got it. 8 days early, once again. This only means a whole new set of problems because even if by chance my hateful cervix lets sperm in, 8 days is not enough time for implantation to take place. Average luteal phases are 12-14 days, the past three months mine have been a solid 7-8 days, seriously?seriously. I did a little reading online on ways to lengthen the luteal phase and vitamin B6 can help, seems the reason the phase is short is that I'm lacking enough progesterone. This shouldn't be a problem when its time for the IUI because they give you progesterone supplements after the procedure to make sure this doesn't happen. To make my day even better, first post when I logged into facebook or rather fertilebook is a status from a girl who is 35 weeks pregnant, complaining about her heartburn and not sleeping and how pregnancy isn't what it cracked up to be and she just wants her baby out. I know pregnancy isn't easy but seriously? I whole heartily wanted to post the following video to her status because quite literally, I would die for heartburn, swollen feet, kicks to the ribs and sleepless nights.

Disclaimer: To my fellow infertiles, stop, grab a glass of wine, an entire box of tissues and plan on hitting 'repeat' multiple times.

every day I'm hustlin'

Ovulation. Your hormones, ferimones, all your 'mones have done their job, your egg (a shriveled up pea as I envision mine) has made its way down your fabulous fallopian tubes and has with any luck been felt up by one of some 75 million motile sperm, so long as my withered cervix allowed their entry, we know what a bitch she is. We wait, we wait another week. I'm totally trying to be that one success story you hear about. Girl has surgery, girl can't conceive naturally, girl takes out loan to pay for fertility treatment, surprise bfp a few months before planned procedure. BANGO! This was my un-planned month and it just so happens we had glorious baby-making sex the day O was confirmed! Don't worry, I'm not all up on my high horse with hope because getting pregnant for me, is much like hitting the mega-million lotto, it can be done, but even if you play it enough, the chances are still one in 2.5 million  (or rather one in 75 million) of you winning. You know all the odds are against you but there is still that little crevice of hope you hold onto that maybe, just maybe, you will win. I think no matter how many times your hopes are shattered or how numb you try to make yourself, part of you can never quite give up on the hope of something because sometimes, that's all you have left.

Well, it seems as though my role of playing boss last week, might being turning into an actual lead part. In my last post I blogged about how in a few years I may be taking over my business, but with my bosses husbands health declining, a few years has turned into a few months. I won't be the complete owner, my boss still wants a hand in the business but I will be responsible for all in office work, which is 98% of what we do. I will have new hours, which are only a half hour difference than what I'm working now and I will have to work Fridays, something I haven't done but on occasion in three years. I think I'm most upset about that because since the day Lily was born, we've spent our Fridays together. We usually get our grocery shopping done in the morning and spend the rest of the day at the playground, pool or getting in a little retail therapy. I love my Fridays with my girl, just me and her. I know it probably won't phase her in the least, she loves her friends at daycare but I hate giving up that extra time with her. Work consumes so much of our lives anyway. There are a few options and avenues but essentially if I'm going to do this, be a business owner, I'm either all in or not at all. I mean, I knew this was coming, I just didn't expect it to be so soon but when the opportunity arises, sometimes you just have to go with it. If its not a good fit for my life, then we'll go down that road when we get there. Life is about change lord knows I change things as much as I change underwear except when it comes to my job and my man, these things have been consistent for years,  its about stepping out of your 'comfort zone' and doing whats best for your family. And while I have many thoughts as to what I want to do when I grow up, from Sonographer, designing cakes with penis cakes being my specialty (kidding!) and stay at home mom, right now, the decision to move forward as owner, best fits. It may not always fit, I may follow through with school and sonography but in the moment, this is the best decision. My dear friend was faced with a similar situation about a year ago and the opportunity for her to be a SAHM presented itself and on many occasions, I hear her talk of how that was the best choice she ever made, for her and her family. They may have to cut back on occasion but all in all, she's so happy with missing the hustle and bustle as a busy working mom. Balance, its all about balance.  You save that load of laundry for another day and spend a couple extra minutes reading before bed. You get out a little late, stop for ice cream before dinner. You have a bad day, roll down all the windows and sing your loudest to the little's favorite song don't think I haven't belted out some Barney now. I love hanging up the work hat as I close my office door and stepping into the baby sitter's, as mom. Our lives are defined by our opportunities, even the ones we miss. I don't want to look back on this and wish I had gone for it. I want to try, I want to look back and say I tried, even if it doesn't work, if I suck at it, I gave it my best. I'm always open to experiences and if I've learned anything, its success and failure go hand in hand. To be successful at anything, you've had to experience failure. "Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness"  yeah, Oprah knows her shit too. I think this goes for everything in life, to really be successful or reach a goal of anything, you've had to of fallen down at some point, that's part of life but getting back up, is living.

Un-planning, stiletto sprints & peacocks?

 Be crazy, just not send-her-to-the-looney-bin crazy. Have one or more, you know I don't judge more glass of wine. Say I love you too much, but only if you mean it. Hit the gym, then indulge in an 800 calorie milkshake which will in doubt, bring all the boys to the yard. Buy that purse or cute shoes in my case that you've been wanting, you deserve it. Rock those four-inch stilettos that you know you can't walk in but look damn good doing it. Life's little moments are what mean the most, I spend so much time in the 'what if' or trying to 'plan' things that sometimes I forget that the best things that happen in my life, aren't planned at all. When I met my husband, I wasn't looking for forever, I was looking for right now. When I fell into my job which was a 'foot in the door' to the business world, a step up from wiping asses of a class full of three year old's and I'll be here eight years come November. My first house, it was when the housing market was in full boom, there were four contracts on the townhouse in six hours. My hub was out four-wheeling, I went in, fell in love with the house and signed the papers  yeah, he's still mad about that one and they picked me, it ended up being one of the most un-planned yet best choices I've made. Lily Grace, while I had pretty much lost hope that it was going to happen naturally, the month after a simple procedure, the month that we went on vacation and infertility was the last thing on my mind, the month I realized that my cycle was actually a few days late, that was the month I got to see those two pink lines, even though the fact that we were 'trying' wasn't a surprise or unplanned, actually getting pregnant, was. I'm learning, learning to let things go unplanned because some of the best things are impromptu pot luck dinners at the park with friends, a trip to the playground after work while rockin' said stilettos, scarfing down cereal for dinner so you can spend 30 extra minutes at the pool and how the smell of the grill will always bring friends or family over.

I've been boss at work all week since her husband is having surgery and its good because it gives me a taste of what its potentially going to be like in a few years, I need these weeks where I have to do things I wouldn't normally do, work later than usual and handle things that are a little out of my comfort zone. I need to be put in this position so I know what I'm in for and if I even like this role which aside from the whole being responsible for 40 clients finances, I like. It does however, make for a long day. We're the only two in the office so when she's not here and I don't see any clients all day, I get loopy. I can only sing the chorus to "Rolling in the Deep" into my phone so many times before it bores me and heaven forbid some unsuspecting client call the office, shit you not I keep them on the phone abnormally long telling them my life story because all I've been doing all day is inputting numbers, texting, eating 100 calorie snacks because it makes me feel like less of a fat ass and doing my best Adele rendition. Wednesdays are nice, that's delivery of the payroll day, people are always glad to see you. I don't generally do deliveries so when I get to, its nice. I get a wawa sub for lunch, stop by Yankee Candle and mingle with clients, I totally make a day out of it. There is one place in particular the we deliver to that has a pet peacock, or a peahen rather, since its a girl. btw who has them as pets?really? I'm terrified of it, its big has glorious colorful feathers and it scares me to death. I hate even getting out of my car, I know its lurking and I know its intrigued by my being there. It really is a sight, my full on stiletto sprint from the car to the porch back to the car. One time I swear we had a stand off, that son of a bitch was exactly where I needed to be to pick up a folder, it was like a death stare and whoever looked away first lost. I lost, I know they say to never stare into the eye of a gorilla and I didn't want to find out if it's the same protocol for a peahen. It finally meandered back to its grounds and I was able to dart to the porch and back. I should get hazardous pay for this shit. You see, this is what happens when I'm alone all week, I do however promise that the peahen was an actual encounter and not just hallucinations of a crazy bookkeeper. Just another reminder that unplanned deliveries and peahen encounters only add to the little moments of life, the moments that make you laugh and the moments that make you go home and enjoy that well deserved glass of wine. because your encounter was THAT terrifying ;)

Scary, right?

Happy weekend friends!

greener grass

Advice. You go looking for it, you read books or articles in Cosmo, you seek friends wisdom, you ask for 'signs' and you search within yourself for the answer to which you're seeking. But the truth is, even when you've gathered all the facts, you've done your deepest soul searching and you know what you should do, you still can't bring yourself to accept it. The grass is always greener on the other side. Every decision has a consequence, every right has a wrong and part of going for what you want, means losing something else.  Life isn't black and white, it's not pass or fail, there is so much 'grey area' to life. I think no matter what 'answer' you find, it will never be good enough, it will never be what you want to hear. It takes work to be better than the rest, to be content with your heat-worn, dried out brown grass and to be a better you. You're always going to question whether or not you made the 'right' choice, big or small, you'll always wonder 'what if' you went with the other choice, how different might things be. You can't sweat your choices, especially after they are made, the word spoken or rock thrown can't be taken back. You have to be confident in your choice and have faith that where you're at, is exactly where you're supposed to be. You can't out run your choices and life always makes more. Whatever is may be, exercise, a new car, a baby or a really cute pair of shoes. Be confident in yourself. I'm not going to make my choice, I'm going to let it make me.

This morning could not be any more beautiful, its a front porch sittin', coffee drinkin', taking in the sweet honeysuckle breeze morning wish I could do just that, Instead I'm tackling the day with said coffee, computer screen and an office phone that won't stop ringing, grass is always greener eh? We spent most of the weekend at the pool and when we weren't at the pool, we were bumming food off of family. If you know me, you know I'll do ANYTHING to not have to cook, don't get me wrong, I don't mind cooking, I cook 5 days out of the week generally but if I can keep from it, I do. I'll drive hours to not have to cook. I'm not one of those, "invite but probably won't come" people, if you invite me for food, I will be there. We went to my sister in laws new place Saturday for a cookout, a friend and her husband had just gotten back from a two week Mediterranean cruise must be nice right? and brought a bottle of wine and not your ordinary sip till it feels good wine, there was a picture of a volcano on the bottle. We get the idea to do shots of volcanic ash act like you didn't know that was coming It literally felt as if I had ingested a shot of hot sauce, followed by a dash of flame. WHY would they even make this stuff, better yet WHY would anyone drink it? I, myself have never had heartburn but I'm sure it was just like that, like a person with heartburn, downing a plate of Mexican food sans fork. I'm pretty sure I breathed fire the rest of the night, dragon style. This same couple just started trying for a baby, as in, just took her last 'sugar' birth control pill. Their motto, "instead of practice makes perfect, practice makes baby" I remember what it felt like, the first month of officially 'trying' and all the excitement and how naive you are to think you would never have problems, I miss that. I miss the innocence of 'practice makes baby'. This is also a couple who probably shouldn't procreate, I've never met two people who are more stuck on themselves in all my life. I know, who am I to judge who should procreate, right? Whatever, I'm allowed to bitter, I'm sure her glorious pearls of eggs are anxiously awaiting sperm with baklava and a glass of wine that's how this couple rolls.  I swear to god if in 28 days she announces her pregnancy, the dragon within me will commence.

Appropriate. Beautiful. Enjoy.

fixing all the problems in my own head

Rehearsal dinner, bagged and eaten at 9:00 pm check. Viewing and funeral services, check. Beautiful wedding & reception, check. Anniversary dinner, KFC because that's what the little wanted check. Sunflower favors, fail. I said it, FAIL. What once were glorious sprouting darlings representing new life and growth turned into wilted stems lookin' more like a graveyard representing sorrow and death, not exactly the kind of idea you were having for a freaking wedding! Luckily, a few fake sunflowers transformed my graveyard of favors into the happy, sun-shiney look we were going for. What a weekend it was. My flower girl rocked her roll in the wedding did we ever think she wouldn't shine in the spotlight? That girl makes me proud in more ways than I knew I could ever be. She also happens to be, the life of the party. Have you ever seen a three year old standing in front of a speaker dancing her heart out and singing every single word to "Bow chicka wow wow"? its pure joy. Hand motions, facial expressions and plain ol' gettin' down with her bad self. She is going places in life, she has so much determination and drive. She's not going to take 'no' for an answer, she's going to set a goal and accomplish it, I just know it. I'm proud of the family and friends that have been through so much this year and that we can pull together and be there for each other in the best and worst of times. I'm proud of my brother, his road, much like mine has been anything but easy but he's accomplished so much. I'm proud of my husband, for sticking by me, even when my wild side gets the better of me. I got a reality check, a new sister and extended family and another year under my belt of marriage this weekend. A tough weekend but also some of the most defining moments of our life.

Photography by one of my best friends, find her on facebook. (MJ Photography)

We've been 'trying without overthinking' and clearly, my ovaries haven't been doing their part in welcoming sperm with lemonade and cake squares. My chart has been 'funny' for lack of a better word because I was thinking more along the lines of fucked up for the last two months. I've had really short leutal phases, not sure what its all about or if I've even really ovulated so I'm not going to over think, I'm not going to do it. I'm enjoying summer. I'm not over thinking my chart or my needy uterus this summer. I'm going to enjoy margaritas on the deck, enjoy sweating out a hangover by the pool. I'm going to enjoy doing everything with Lily that we possibly can because just maybe, this will be her last summer as an only child. I'm going to keep running, I'm going to take time to bake with my girl and I'm going to be a better wife. I'm not going to over think anything the next couple of months because I know come September I will have to over think everything. I'm going to put my brain on reserve and live life. I wonder if that's what its like to be high? Just lettin' your brain chill. I have no desire to ever find out cause I'm not tryin to be all TV starin', snack muchin', brain cell dyin'. Natural high, high on life. Cheesy, right? Maybe its the caffeine buzz from my bakery cup o' coffee or maybe it's the new shoes I bought for the wedding that I told my husband I was going to return, which by the way, I never had any intention of returning, I'm madly in love with them. Maybe its the view I got in the rear view mirror this morning or the squeals of the little running through the sprinkler last night. Maybe, just maybe I'll swing by Chick Fil A on the way home for a much deserved milkshake. A milkshake high, I'm down for that. Faith is a funny thing, it turns up when you least expect it. Its not so important happy ever after, its just happy right now. Its about living in the moment and appreciating what you have for what it is.


Nope, not taking them back. Not going to do it.

milestones.

A plan. I like plans, I like to cross shit off check lists, feeling confident on moving down to whats next. I like to have something to work towards.We have a plan, we're going to do the IUI. We 're going to set it up to go ahead with it in September. We've got a fund we're going to borrow from and this is our only shot, there is just enough money to do this once. I know I have to prepare myself for the worst, the fact that the set up can be perfect and it just might not work, we may end up empty uterus AND two thousand dollars in debt but, we're going to try, we're going to give this our best shot. I don't eat unless I'm hungry or bored but that's beside the point and I don't scratch my head unless it itches, I won't be intimidated by it, that's just the way it is. Our biggest concern was twins (or more) but we were talking about it and really? if god blesses me with more than one baby, how lucky would I be? I know it would be hard and stressful but as I've said many times, nothing can compare to years of struggle and infertility. If god thinks I can handle multiples, then I can. I can do twins, I may need Red Bull and Pampers as sponsors but if that's the worst of my worries, is sleep, then I'm ok with that. They monitor you very closely to ensure you don't end up with a litter, if there are too many follicles, they will advise you to wait until the next month and start over with lower doses of medicine. I'm very afraid of hyper stimulation, I'm not average, I may be five feet of pure fury (ha!) but my build and tolerance all falls within the 'petite' range and I certainly hope they know to accommodate that when it comes to injection dosages. We've got the preliminary stuff to get out of the way before the procedure. I have to have CD 3 FSH levels checked, the Semen Analysis is done, we have to take an injection class and have a bloodwork panel done. Then come September I'll start the injections, go in every 3 days for sonograms to see how my little darling follies are doing and when there are a few that are nice and ready, we'll 'trigger' ovulation (with an additional HCG medication) and go in for the IUI and wait, wait and hope that a little poppy seed or seeds will set up shop in my uterus. I'm cautiously excited to have this plan underway. My December bfp, my baby, would have been due in August, I would already have the nursery ready, little clothes in it's gender would line the dressers and I would be miserably hot and pregnant right now and I would have loved every single second of it. August marks a pregnancy milestone that never made it, November marks a two year infertility struggle milestone. September could be the start of something really good, or a downward spiral of emotions. I'm ready for both, I have hope that this is our last obstacle to overcome and I am grounded in knowing it may just be the beginning. "But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait patiently." Romans 8: 24.5-25

Sunday marks my seven year wedding anniversary, another major milestone. Seven of the best years of my life. We've accomplished much in our years together,we've been through some of the hardest things a couple could go through but we never let each other forget how we got here, love. Its been a rocky past year but if we can always go back and remember the details of our wedding day and remember why we got this far, remember that feeling of indescribable love, then we'll make it another 50 years. Its something to be proud of, this milestone of marriage. Marriage is work but like parenting, its the most rewarding thing you'll do. My husband has been my support through so much not only for infertility but in life. I'm so grateful for this life we have, we have so much to be thankful for and sometimes we forget that, sometimes we concentrate too hard on the big stuff, or the things we can't change and sometimes, its the little things, that make me happiest. The ice cold cup of water waiting for me after I made myself run, the months worth of Lucky Charms vacuumed out of the backseat that hopefully he actually vacuumed and it wasn't a mouse, the sorted clothes ready to be laundered what can I say, I'm easy to please, the amount of joy that fills Lily's heart when he walks into a room and the fact that after so many years, he still looks at me exactly the same way he did when we first met. I'm thankful for the smiles and tears, the hard times and the easy. It's hard to hate what got me here. I'm looking forward to the road we have ahead of us and wherever it may take us, as long as we walk it together.

My sunflower favors are survivors, they are being packed up right now to be taken to rehearsal dinner and I'm putting the final touches on my wedding toast now if I can get through it without crying, that will be an even greater accomplishment. Saturday will be bittersweet, we have to go right from my friends funeral service to my brother's wedding. Flip the switch from mourning to celebration, tough right? I mean Forest Gump was a ratard and ran across the country so if he can do that, I can handle this. I know that Jay would want it like this, to go from celebrating his life to celebrating a marriage, with beer in hand. It makes me think he had something to do with the way things ended up being planned. As tough as it might be, we will be there for his family and then we will be excited for my brother and one of my best friends, its their day, it will be a happy day, it will be everything she hoped for. With death comes new life, with marriage comes hope for the future and with plans, comes renewed faith. Milestones, they can make or break you and you can never outrun them but if you embrace them, even the small ones, even the hard ones, they can leave you feeling refreshed, they can leave you hopeful and most of all, they can leave you inspired.