settin' fire, to the rain

I love weddings, the new love circling the air, the happiness that ensues in watching two people about to embark on the journey that will lead them into the rest of their lives, the food, the music, the toasts and my personal favorite, open bar. Just kidding, sort of. One of my oldest friends got married Saturday, during hurricane Irene, or should I say, IN hurricane Irene. Yes, my dear friend decided come hell or high water (how appropriate) that she was getting married, outside. The cute little white chairs lined up by a gorgeous lake setting, however, we couldn't sit in them because it was raining, its ass off. Not a light sprinkle, a downpour and a rips-umbrellas-apart wind. Luckily, most of us at least came prepared with umbrellas but the poor bridesmaids, groomsmen and bride and groom, were umbrella-less. It was her day, and we all did whatever the bride wanted and froze our asses off while making her day as special as she wanted it. I don't even know why I bothered to curl my hair, it ended up messy ponytail style on the top of my head because with my hair type add in some rain and humidity and I slightly resemble a lioness--and not one with glorious locks, the straggly one in the corner who was just roughed up. Awesome.  Not even a hurricane was going to stop them from getting married and its definitely a memory they can never forget. Sometimes at weddings I daydream about how I would 're-do' my wedding. And when I say 'sometimes' I really mean every single wedding I attend. I mean I'd have the same groom and everything but I was 18 when I tied the knot and don't really remember planning any of it, I think my mother vicariously lived through me, which actually was fine because it was pretty badass but there are small things that I would have liked to have been a part of, or change. Its all water under the bridge now yes, that IS another water reference, thank you. but a grown married woman can still dream, right? I'll just live through my daughter's wedding. She will like Lillie's and hand made invitations, damn it. and open bar of course, duh.

As infertiles, we generally steer clear from baby showers at all costs. If we absolutely have to go to one, we will, but we tend to hang out around the food, shoveling it in so no one has much time to ask when we're going to have our next and when they do, we'll usually mumble something through the crunching of the carrots and pretend like someone else is calling us. Well, that's what I do anyway. I got suckered into going to a baby shower Sunday for someone I don't even know, yeah, what the hell is wrong with me? This girl is young, doesn't have much family, her boyfriend's family isn't very accepting of their 'situation' and my boss' church was having a shower for her because she literally had nothing for the baby, that is due in September. Luckily I took Lily with me, so between her 50 bathroom trips, our searches to find any cool toys in a house with grown kids and her frequent snack table trips, I managed to miss most of the "OoOo's" and "Awwwww's" of the pink clothes and cute cards. You know what would make baby showers better? beer. Anyway, I actually made it through the whole thing without one person asking when I was going to have another, may have been the best baby shower I've ever attended, I mean most of the people were well in their 70's and 80's but whatever, I can totally roll with some 70 year olds if it means they don't give a shit when or if I'm having more kids. They leave my vagina out of the conversation and think its funny when my kid announces that "barbie has a butt!" mid-present opening. I bet they'd love a nice hot tottie too, just sayin.

Yes, Lily grace, in fact, Barbie does have junk in the trunk.

oh, and I got my period yesterday. Sometimes I want to curb stomp my ovaries. And when I say sometimes I mean every time I get my period. However, this will be a good week. A little loud music, my little one and a wild berry parfait from Wendy's to commence to a new month, brushing off the last and to remember exactly what I'm fighting for. A three day weekend, a winery trip with some new friends and Lily Grace starting ballet on Thursday. The deck getting completed, pushing through the hard moments, breathing in the happy ones and living each day, exactly as it is. Ain't not period gonna rain on my parade, I tell you what.

detox, of sorts

Lily Grace started going to a babysitter at the ripe age of six weeks so leaving her with someone and to come back to her at the end of the day is nothing new to her, nor me however, she's been with the same group of kids, same provider for her entire life where rules weren't as strict, where a routine wasn't as planned and where most of the learning, was taught by leap frog and Dora. This was her first big step into the world of change and her journey into life. I'm excited for her and as we walked in, she hid behind a shy smile but by the time I left, she was already asking "Miss Cookie" if she could play with the paint. She's brave and as funny as it sounds, I gain a lot of strength from her. She's strong like her momma, and together we help each other. I did leave out the fact that she has had a terrible attitude lately, one of those, makes you want to hang yourself with the onion rings she's throwing, attitudes. I think the new routine, and the structure will coincide with helping contain her sassy girl ways, er god I hope so anyway. I know the first week or so may be a little difficult for her, that girl is set in her ways, another trait inherited from me. Its going to be a whole new realm for her and just the beginning of her future, nothing but up from here little one.

As she finds strength to barrel through her own emotional detox, I am doing the same. I keep busy, you know those worker bees that travel at insane rates of speed from flower, to flower, back to the nest, make a shit ton of honey and start all over? Yeah, add a shot of Monster energy and you have me. I have to keep my mind busy, busy on anything other than what it wants to drift off too. I clean, I cook, I rearrange, I clean some more, I even succumbed to washing Lily's car seat cover and if you've ever seen that thing, you'll know that's a half day project in itself, disgusting. I'll do whatever, to keep my mind straight. For the love of god, I even kept my dentist appointment yesterday just so I had some other purpose, something else to do. I then made a trip to the grocery store. What? Haven't you ever seen a woman with a gossip magazine, wine and steakums? This whole quit-whatever-habit-you-have 'cold turkey' thing is proving to be much harder than I thought, because no matter how busy you keep, or what other life happenings are going on, you still hurt and your heart, is still heavy. No amount of 'comfort' food is enough, the new phone that was supposed to keep you occupied for a few days, only keeps you occupied for a couple of hours. Every song on the radio seems to pertain to your exact situation. The only place I'm really able to let my guard completely down and let lose all emotion tied to this, is at the cemetery, with TJ. sounds depressing as hell, right? I promise, I'm not going to hang myself with onion rings.  You can throw yourself into anything but the pain, you can't outrun. It always finds a way to creep up inside of you, that black cloud seems to follow you around even on the sunniest of days and the more you try to block it out, the worse it gets. You have to deal with it, you have to cope with it and finally, accept it. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, my brother and I are a lot alike in that way, something about how we grew up, don't ask, dont tell. The easiest feelings to fake, are those to fool someone else and while holding all your emotion in and figuring it out in your head by yourself isn't healthy, I'm not one to burden any one with my shit. unless you're a faithful blog reader, then you get it all. Thanks, btw. I took the first big step, well, I was given a little shove in the right direction anyway, by deleting numbers from my phone, numbers attached to people, who are not healthy in my moving forward. This was hard, that step which may seem so simple, was actually one of the hardest because not only are you removing those numbers from your phone, but from your life. You are deleting people behind these numbers and no matter how unhealthy they are, they were still a part of your life and these decisions will make, or break you. Like a maple tree losing leaves in the fall, you feel lost and bare but I try to find some comfort in knowing that come springtime, you will be green and thriving, it gives you a sense that this isn't the beginning of the end, its only the beginning.

In other news, I finally had to call my DR office regarding my progesterone results from last Thursday, the nurse says "it looks like you're still not ovulating, so increase your Clomid to 150mg, or three pills." HELLO, Nurse, this is earth, where the fuck have you been? I haven't been on Clomid in a year, and what makes you freaks think it would work this time around when it never worked the first time. I told them I need an HSG, I know my body and I'm not wasting anymore time or money on medications that after 5 previous cycles, clearly do not work for me. If there's a blockage in the tubes, ain't no amount of Clomid going to get that freakin' egg to do pirouettes out of my tubes. Time for a new office? Yes, yes it is. I'm calling tomorrow.





hitting walls and getting scars, makes you who you are

I have a tendency to dwell on the past, relive moments and try to pick them apart and understand how each one molded me into the person I am. I tend to smoke the emotional crack pipe. I tend to tie smells and material things to people. I hate really floral smells or flower galleries, they all remind me of funerals and pain. Bustin' out the pumpkin spice candles to commemerate the begining of fall. The smell of coffee brewing reminds me of days when I was pregnant with Lily, that I would meet dad in the mornings before work. Vanilla Bean Frap's with extra caramel remind me of simpler days and a dear friend. Diesel trucks give me goosebumps. I am a firm believer that each person you encounter in life, is for a reason, that good things fall apart so better things can come together. I believe I find my strength in pain.  I am no longer burdened. My will, my faith and my body have been challenged but make no mistake, my heart is strong and my resolve to fight will never be broken.  Don't regret, if it's good, it wonderful. If it's bad, its experience. I know I have a tough few days, weeks, maybe months in front of me. I know I'm already on the path to a better me, a better wife and friend. I'm learning to wait out the storm with the people that mean the most to me. I'm learning just exactly who I am. I've made a mess of me, the person I've been lately ain't who I want to me, but you stay right here beside me and watch as the storm blows through, and I need you. A new me, a new chapter. Said leaf turning, starts now.

Had CD 21 blood work yesterday, er CD 28 for me because we all know how utterly awesome my ovaries are. I see a distinct shift in my chart so maybe I did ovulate this month, I should have those results today or Monday. This trip to the OB was the same as all the others--preggo's, sonograms floating around, happy smiling faces. I do my best to bury my head in my phone, even if I'm just looking at the same facebook posts over and over again, beats the hell out of looking through a pregnancy magazine. Blood work appointments are pretty fast, in and out in a couple minutes usually. When I'm leaving the office and walk out of the door back into the waiting room, where everyone stares you down for a baby bump, sometimes I pretend that the blood work was for a pregnancy test, maybe other people wonder that too, or maybe I'm just crazy. I'm not denying the fact that I'm crazy, btw. Work is still consuming my life and between the infertility and extreme loneliness, I've ditched the pretend cats and traded them for a parrot, a cool parrot named Lewis. I'm just kidding, but really, if I start talking about how Lewis shits everywhere and I'm sick of cleaning it up, for the love of god save me. It's Friday, its a gorgeous morning, one of those morning that reminds you that fall, is just around the corner. For some reason, you can't help but be happy on these mornings, even with all that's going on in life. The coffee is a little better, the sun is a little brighter and the little in the backseat welcoming the morning rays, is a little sweeter.

Sweet jesus Lewis, hold yourself together.

Bring on life, happy weekend friends!

fire in the sky, can't you see that all my castles are burning?

Bridges. We walk them. We jump from them. We stand in awe of their structural beauty. We watch them crumble into small fragments of debris after explosions and most certainly, we burn them. Sometimes unintentionally, sometimes knowing full well that's exactly what we're doing but always, it always hurts to see the wreckage, and to feel the aftermath of a fire in the sky. To pick up the pieces that are left behind seems to be harder than leaving them there to form as one with their surroundings. I'm learning just how devastating this can be. I'm right in the middle of it, ash falling onto my shoulders, watching my world through shattered pieces of glass.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm the ghost of a total stranger and I can see things happening right in front of me but no matter what I do, the outcome doesn't change. I know I always say all the right things and yet, I still can't change. Why is it so hard? There is nothing wrong with change as long as its in the right direction. I can see all the elements of my life that I need to change and for the life of me, can't. I've never had a weight problem but I imagine its a lot like that. Just one more muffin won't hurt, but then you are devastated when you step on the scale, yet time and time again, you give in. Its a vicious cycle and pain itself, is an addiction. Compromise, you can't always get what you want, give a little, get a little. You can seclude yourself in this cocoon you create of your life but eventually, reality will bite you in the ass. You don't come out a glorious butterfly, you wake up in the real world where things are nothing as they seemed. You come out beaten and bruised and in a world that is nothing like the one created in your head. But you have to open your eyes, you have to take on reality, guns blazing. We all have a weakness, a strength. We're all good at something, terrible at something else. We give and take and these elements make us who we are. I believe if you're not going to do something, be something or adventure into something who heartily, then there is no point in doing it. If you're not going to give it your all, don't do it at all. I also know that being a hard head comes with a price, it can make you appreciate everything on another level or, it can make even the easiest elements of life, difficult. Some things though, you can't learn the hard way. Some things, you have to know before its too late. You can chose to have the life you want to live, even if that means slapping a band aid over a hole in your heart, even if you feel like that hole will remain in your heart for the rest of your life, you can chose to keep that band aid over it, and move on. You can chose what's right for your family over what you want. That's the great thing about life, the possibilities are endless and there are options, even in the worst of situations. The problem is, finding the strength to push against the pain in your heart and be a better person, be a better you, build your character and have faith that whatever decision you make, was the right one. No looking back, only pushing forward. My husband is amazing and is taking our situation remarkably well, it shows his character, his strength and his love for our family. His views and faith that making it over this speed bump in our road, will only make our bond stronger. I have to be better, stronger and face the pain of this head on. There are no solutions, no easy answers to pain, you just have to fight through it, because you can't outrun it and life always makes more.  "Well it seems as if all my bridges have been burned, But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works. Its not the long walk home that will change this heart, But the welcome I receive with the restart.."

I've learned that even the most irrevocable damage can be forgiven but the scars will forever remain. I'm learning that the bridge, can be rebuilt. It may take months, it may take years but that bridge can be rebuilt. I'm learning that its not what life throws your way, its how you react to it and above all I'm learning that "faith makes things possible, not easy."

a smattering of shit

Thank you, to:

The worst car luck ever, something is wrong with the ignition so it takes on average ten minutes to start my car, anytime I want to start it. This also causes stress induced sweating and cursing, its quite the sight I tell you what. It also prompts me more likely to just leave the bitch running, someone wants it? good luck getting it started after you park it sucker, its a technique that has to be mastered. Maybe at least then I can tell the insurance company that some son of a bitch thief messed with my ignition and I need a new one.

Lily, who always has to pee at the worst moment. As in, at the mall, in any store that isn't a department store with bathrooms. Who fakes with 'my back hurts' and can't walk, and as a parent fail, I forgot a stroller because I took my hub's car to avoid having to deal with mine. SO, with my 40 pound Bath & Body Works bag, my 30 pound three year old and my 10 pound purse, we trekked ever so eloquently, hot mess style through Sears to the very back corner of the store to the bathroom, where the littlest bit of pee you could ever pee, was expelled. Repeat back to the store with no bathrooms.

The slowest cashiers ever at Charlotte Russe for providing me with an extra ten minutes in their store sans fake back hurting three year old to stand and bob my head to 'make love in this club' while in the company of my sister in law and making fun of fat, old,  fat and old people trying to wear Charlotte Russe clothes.

The pregnant lady that was ever so eager to approach us to moisturize our hands with some random glorified lotion she would try to talk us into buying. hey, cute little preggo lady, why don't you just go rub the whole bottle on your glorious bump? I didn't feel bad saying "no thank you" and walking right by, nope not at all. I mean, if you can't see 'infertile' written all over my body language then you're in the wrong line of work, sister. Just kidding, sort of. I hope she has an ugly little alien fetus, which in fact, I would also be jealous of.

My husband who will quite literally starve to death if I don't provide meals. How dare I get back from shopping and spending time at my parents at 7:15 at night, without dinner. What? He had to stir up some meat in a pan for tacos after he'd been trimming hedges and making a landfill run all day? hi dear husband, how about the other 320 days of the year I cook dinner on a timely basis, yeah recognize that shit or its Cap'n crunch for the remainder of the year.

A letter on Monday afternoon from the insurance company stating that as of July 15th they no longer cover ANY services performed by Shady Grove Fertility clinic. Awesome, this means that the office visits, blood work and sonograms that we were actually covered for, are not covered anymore. This also means, we need to find a new clinic and the consult/original plan we had in place, is a bunch of meaningless shit now.

A pair of "GET SOME" panties from VS, that screamed at me as I walked by for me to buy them, I did however, refrain from doing so, thank you.

Wine. Beer. Shots. wine, beer & shots. These need no explanation other then they and my friends, keep me sane. Disclaimer: I am NOT an alcoholic

Other real-life moms, moms who admit, that on several occasions we have seen a beautiful pond just beyond a grassy knoll and contemplated driving right into. Real moms. If you can't admit to never wanting to drive your car of screaming kid(s) into the pond, you're not real. I mean we never really would, but at the time, its very appropriate and you're not fooling anyone by saying you having thought of doing it.

oh and my baby would be due Friday.



This is my mood right now, maybe from the coffee triple shot. Oh and I hope that cute little preggo's baby looks exactly like this.



8 days.

..is when my baby should be being born. My due date would have been August 12th. The nursery would be ready, the dresser would be lined with freshly laundered baby clothes, the bottles would be washed and put away and I'd be enjoying my last few days with life inside me because I know this doesn't come easy for me and I know that this pregnancy would most likely be my last. This was my first miscarriage and I know girls who miscarry on the regular, who can't carry a baby to term to save their life and I thank god everyday for at least not allowing me to get pregnant rather than getting pregnant and having it ripped away from me. I know what that feels like and I know that I couldn't handle that on a regular basis, I know my problems are small in comparison to some fertility problems but all of us infertiles share that same common thread, of wanting badly to be a mother and no matter how unrelated our journey's are, we've walked in each other's shoes, we know the path. I try to see the 'silver lining' in it all who even knows what that really means? Lily is starting pre-school in three weeks and that in itself is more expensive than daycare, so maybe we wouldn't have been able to afford a new baby, maybe I'll never know the 'silver lining' to my issues. Maybe I'm grateful for the things I don't know, that I'll never know and maybe one day, I can look back and in a moment, realize why, why things don't go as planned. The world is funny that way, things have a way of working themselves out and its a long time before you can appreciate it, accept it and see the bigger picture. I'm trying really hard to live in the now, take each day as it comes and appreciate what I have, for exactly what it is. I have an amazing support system, I really can't thank god enough for putting these few ladies in my life. Strength comes in numbers and they have proven to me month after month, that this battle I'm fighting, I'm not fighting it alone. I have a great job and though its crazy right now, there is nothing but advancement from here. I have a wonderful husband who provides and loves me and I have my reason for breathing, Lily Grace, who is turning into this very independent little girl, and its awesome. She's always been very independent, I think I fed her with a spoon for maybe a week before she decided she could do things herself. She's entering the I can pick what I want to wear stage and for the most part, I let her. I let her express herself in whatever way she wants, lately its been 'pretty dresses' and 'crazy hair' and if you know my girl, you know crazy hair. I'm learning to let go of little insignificant things like pretty bows in her hair and letting her be exactly who she is. She's starting preschool, followed by ballet and it's a little bittersweet to see her leave her babysitter that she's been going to since she was six weeks old but I'm so excited for her to be challenged, I know she'll do well. I know she'll rock that pink leotard, crazy hair and all. Part of me is inexplicably happy to see her growing up and moving forward and the other part of me is rooted to her infancy and dependency and while a mother will never fully let that go, I think I'm finding it a lot harder because the memories of late nights, baby smell and little focusing eyes though forever, are still faded. And those baby memories may be the only ones I get. Behind every infertiles eyes, there is an unseen strength. Behind every infertiles heart, is a bruised soul and behind every interfiles smile, is a silent grief and one hell of a story.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the things you think you cannot do."