I'm not lucky, I'm blessed

Three days down, two to go and then its just the 3-9 day wait for O! With my previous attempts at Oing with Clomid, I would O around CD15-16, so I'm hoping the same for this go round. I'm really amped (yes, I just said amped) about this cycle. I even cut to de-caff coffee, this is monumental! Hub has his s/a this week, finally. I expect it to be totally normal but at least we'll know.

My eating routine is almost back to normal however I did enjoy the ice cream, banana cookie pudding and applesauce diet while it lasted. I was actually really surprised at how fast it was, 20 minutes to numb, 10 to pull. He pulled the first one and I said "seriously? its out already?" it may have come out more blurred than that seeing how chipmunk cheek syndrome was in full affect. I was out of the office in 30 minutes, way better than being put under and like $400 cheaper, hollaa! I'm not good with seeing-your-own-blood type stuff. When I was admitted to the hospital to have Lily, the nurse was trying to put my IV in and messed up and my blood started squirting everywhere--que pale face, rapid heartbeat, cold sweat and passing out. Ever since that episode I'm all nervous about giving blood, taking blood anything blood related freaks me out now.

I've come to realize how blessed I am to have the hub, as a dad. He's not a 'normal' dad, he's amazing. He doesn't drive 45 minutes to drop his kid off so he can sleep in, he misses her when she's been gone 5 minutes. He endures hours of Barney or Elmo for the chance to lay on the couch with her while she eats her popcorn and asks him to pass her juice. He dances with her at the end of her favorite movie, much in the way he will dance with her at her wedding. He exudes so much love for that little pixie of ours and I am so thankful for him, for that. He never complains about the way my mood changes with the wind regarding our infertility issues. He's my backbone and the structure in which we will continue to build our family. I can't wait to make him a dad again and if I can't, then I know Lily will bless us more than we'll ever know.

teeth of wisdom and a rant

I’m getting my last two wisdom teeth pulled today, dentist style. My first two hadn’t come all the way through yet but rubbed against my cheek so I went to the oral surgeon, was put under and they were removed. I’m horribly nervous about having them pulled from my face and being totally coherent. I know it’s not a big deal, my hub’s 80 year old granny just had it done but the dentist office always gives me anxiety anyway so I’m totally stressing out about it so I made my self feel better by doing a little consignment shopping (best little shop, ever: Déjà vu) ordering a pair of shoes that I’ve been wanting for awhile and going ten minutes out of my way to the nearest Starbuck’s this morning. The hub failed to share the comfort in my anxiety ridden spree but whatever, I’ll be laying there with my mouth cracked open, ipod on and dreaming about my purchases!

I feel like anybody in the history of everybody has asked when we’ll be having another baby this week, the babysitter, the bank teller, the client. I’m just going to start saying that we’ll try when Lily starts school, that gives me a two year comfort zone to play with and if it does happen before then, surprise!, a big fat magical bfp! My MIL tries to understand, she’s so naive to all the ttc stuff (wish I could be!) She knows we have ‘issues’ and that I’ve had a few procedures but still manages to call because there was a segment on the local news channel about losing weight for fertility, no matter the fact that I might be 100 pounds). Before we knew I wasn’t ovulating I was only getting like 3-4 periods a year. She laughed. Not like a little laugh, like an outright, abrupt in-yo-face laugh.  She then went on about how she’d love to only have a few periods a year, sure, its WONDERFUL having no periods and no babies, go, me! She also mentions how all her husband had to do was LOOK at her and she’d be pregnant, thanks, again for that. I don’t really like to talk to them much about it, after I found out I was pregnant with Lily, my hub told me he had told his dad we were ttc. Every time I saw his dad for the SIXTEEN months we were trying, he asked when we were having a baby, he knew, knew that we were having trouble and still asked that question every time. I know you shouldn’t hold grudges but I hold a mean one towards him for that.

I was scanning FB this morning and came across the following blog, be warned, you will cry. (http://www.kandjstaats.blogspot.com/) I cried, like and idiot in my office chair. This couple JUST lost their 4 month old baby girl for no known reason, she just stopped breathing. Suffering a loss is the most un-imaginable thing you could ever go through. I know with my loss, I never got to see or hear that baby but it was still my baby, I loved it the second those two pink lines showed up. It makes me sick to think how you could hold your baby in your arms for four months and have to lay her to rest. I pray for this family and for them to find peace.

a plan of sorts

I started spotting Sunday, as I do every cycle that AF shows and of course she arrived Monday morning. I don't get it, five days, FIVE, like in a row and egg and sperm couldn't meet? seriously? this only verifies that something has to be wrong. Luckily hubby's s/a consult is March 1st, I'm anxious for it to get here but at the same time what if it comes back normal again? There will be no more answers than we have now, which are none. AF was a lot lighter than normal and because of my lower than normal temps I'm thinking that my O wasn't a 'good' one.  I'm going to do Clomid 50 mg CD5-9 this cycle, I know that I O on my own but I'm hoping this will help me O better, if that's even possible. My last Clomid attempts I took it CD3-7 which helps ovulation by creating many follicles, CD5-9 will only create a few but gives them more time to mature so maybe the change in Clomid is just what my body needs. I've got three Clomid refills left and I'm not going any higher on the dosage since it completely diminished my CM the last time I took it not to mention its known for thinning your uterine lining. I'm also taking baby aspirin this cycle (its supposed to help thicken the lining) and evening primrose oil prior to O, to help with the CM. So that's my plan, for this month and until we can come up with the money we need for the IUI. I'd really like to set a goal, the hub can travel for work and earn a good bonus for doing so (WTF is he waiting for?) He's never done it before but he's going to inquire about it this week! Bring on the night sweats, hot flashes and mood swings!

I semi 'outed' myself on FB last week. I'm doing this 30 Days in Pictures thing and one day was 'a picture of your biggest insecurity'. Mine, of course is when or if god will bless us with another baby. One of my 'friends' commented that she "has been trying for 9 years with no luck and to keep the faith", I nicely replied and went on about my day. My dear friend brought to my attention that if this girl was trying for 9 years, she started trying when she was SIXTEEN. She also has never been married nor even in a steady relationship until just recently. My friend totally called her out on it and the girls response "I tried off and on for a few years but I don't want kids right now, we're waiting until we're married" WTF, than you can't claim to be an infertile! Yes, this is the suckiest club, ever in the history of clubs BUT until you have woken up every single morning for the past year to stick a thermometer in your mouth, forked out hundreds of dollars on fertility tests and medications, experience hot flashes in the middle of the night that make you feel like your are literally lying next to satan, have had an absolutely heartbreaking loss and have had more doctors and nurses peek into your vagina than your husband than no, NO you do not get to claim yourself as an infertile. {insert explicit gesture here}

Please check out the following blog, she's having a give-away for reaching 100 followers!
http://unaffectedbyyou.blogspot.com/2011/02/100-followers-giveaway.html

I leave you with parenting tips from Shine.com, I, personally have heard every.single.one. Enjoy!

The 10 Most Irritating, Least Helpful Parenting Tips Ever

I have nothing against friends and family offering advice when you come to them with a dilemma. It's the people who pipe up, unbidden, because they see you with a child and assume you have no idea what you're doing. Too often these people are elderly great-aunts. Fortunately those ladies are afraid of the Internet, so I can rail against them and they'll be none the wiser! Thanks, ladies.

1. "Sleep now, because once that baby comes you'll never sleep again." Technically this is a pregnancy tip, of course, but I'm shoving it in here anyway. Yes, Great-Aunt Hildy, I will sleep throughout my entire third trimester. Because I am part bear.

2. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Everyone gives you this one — annoying relatives, pediatricians, the cashier at the drugstore where you were buying newborn diapers. Are these people all robots, capable of instantly dropping off to sleep whenever their child is unconscious? Do they not have other things to do, like bathe, or simply relish the rare moments of silence you get when you have an infant?

3. "I think your baby's hungry." Whether you're nursing or bottle-feeding, everyone assumes you don't know how to feed your child. And every time your child cries, whines, grimaces, or squirms, they are going to assume you are starving your poor baby and you need reminders to feed it. Lest you forget! This advice is especially maddening when they turn out to be correct.

4. "Relish every moment of your baby's first years, because they'll be grown before you know it." You mean, time only moves forward? I had no idea! I thought we'd be like this forever and ever! This sort of advice, obvious and innocuous as it seems, always put me on the defensive, as if I had just been carrying my baby under my arm like a football, muttering, "Grow up already, why don't you. Just GROW UP."

5. "I hope you're sleep training that child. Do you WANT him to be spoiled?" Oh, distant relative/person whose aisle I shared at the supermarket, I'm so glad you know exactly my child needs. And that you know, from your years of scientific research, that any child not allowed to cry it out will be a horrible waste of flesh! (See #6 for this parenting tip's counterpart.)

6. "I hope you're not doing that 'crying it out' thing. It's so barbaric. Enjoy your baby all through the night!" Again, kudos to you, whoever you are, for knowing what's best for our unique family situation! I will be calling you at 4 a.m., so you can enjoy our baby as well.

7. "Why are you bringing your child outside when it's so cold out?" It never ceased to amaze me that, no matter what my child's age, total strangers will express alarm and revulsion that I dared expose him to the elements. "And WHY ISN'T BE WEARING MITTENS? He's going to get consumption!"

8. "Your child isn't really sad/angry/injured. He's just manipulating you." There's no doubt that children can push our buttons as if they've had professional training in it, but the notion that my kid's authentic feelings are in fact manufactured to elicit a reaction really chaps my hide. If that were always true, he'd be a pint-sized sociopath.  I'm pretty sure that's not the case.

9. "Schools are just glorified prisons. If you loved your child, you'd homeschool." Oh, if only I loved my child enough to abandon my livelihood, tear him away from the community he so enjoys, separate him from the professionals who have dedicated their careers to childhood education, and forced him to stay home all day with me, where we'd be at each other's throats for hours! If only! Please note: I am not opposed to homeschooling, at all — in fact I wish it would work for us, but it would not.

10. "If I were you, I'd just—" OH NO YOU DON'T. I know where this is going. Listen, unnamed distant acquaintance who last parented in the 19th century (it's true — I often get my unwanted advice from ghosts) you don't know diddly about my kid, and our relationship, and what works for us.

so bring on the rain

 Oh, 80 year old ovaried body, how you love to taunt me. FF sort of confirmed ovulation for CD 19 (the day I had a semi positive opk) I must have been catching the beginning of the LH surge and the end on CD21, I'm still not completely convinced, my chart looks A LOT different then my prior charts, my post-o temps seem to look like my average pre-o temps. The cross hairs are dotted because some of my fertility signs don't match up, I haven't had much CM of any kind this cycle--who knows, maybe change on my chart is good, maybe change is pregnancy. It shows me at 8DPO, so I could  test in 4 days, however, I won't. I know AF will show, she will. 



This cycle's chart

 

An 'average' cycle's chart

Anyway, I came up with an answer to my hubby's question of "how are you gonna come up with $1,600.00?" Get a part-time job. I can work a few weeknights or weekends to come up with the money, I have no problem sacrificing a little time for a few months to save up enough money for the IUI. He was not amused by this idea. My plate is full as it is without adding another job into the mix, but its not forever, its a few months. The hard part, actually finding one. I would actually really like to work at a tanning bed, so what if you have to clean up people's sweat, I've cleaned up worse and free tanning while I'm making some cash? Holla!

I'd really like to start focusing on exercising. I trained for and ran a 5k last March and it was the best I've felt, ever. I'm not an exerciser, unless you count the sprints from the couch to the fridge. I want to feel that good about myself again. I'd like to take some Body Pump or Zumba classes so I'm looking for some in my area that I can take around work and shuffling Lily around. I think focusing on myself for once in my life and getting in shape will help keep the ttc weight off my shoulders. I hate leaving Lily for another hour out of the day but a healthier me will lead to me being around longer.

I was having a tough day Monday, ttc wise, TJ wise, just an all around asstastic day. About a week before I had asked for a sign, any sign to help me to know I was being heard, or what's next? I had no idea if I would even realize 'the sign' if it slapped me in the face, but I was sitting at the stop light, heavy heart and tears in my eyes and a song came on, I'd never heard this song and the lyrics were so important and at that moment, I got my sign.

I get so tired staring at the walls, weights so heavy and that mountain so tall

No ovulation. WTF. Totally positive opk, massive amounts of perfectly timed BD'ing and my body fails me, as it does every month. Is it possible to gear up to O and not actually O? yes. why? WHY would your body do that. I guess I could have O'd but my temps are still kind of low and in the pre-o range so I'm guessing I didn't. I'm exhausted. The hubby is going to do his s/a on Wednesday on March 1st--he has to go in for a new patient consult since he hasn't been in 5 years and then they will schedule an analysis. We only have ONE urologist in the TWO counties we live/work in. Doesn't anyone go to school to be a urologist anymore?  I'm calling I called a new RE today to set up an appointment so we can do the IUI cycle as soon as possible. This RE is in the same area but the cost is a little better, as far as I'm concerned, the cost doesn't matter anymore.The hubby thinks otherwise, his exact words "where are you going to come up with $1,500.00?" (insert awkward silence here) I wish I had an answer. I'll do whatever I have to do to get this baby and pray that god has my back. It's hard when money controls destiny. Money will get me the IUI, not fate. I've been waiting 18 months for 'fate' to take over, get at me, fate!  Lily's getting older by the day, we wanted her and her sibling two and a half years apart (give or take), we'll be working on almost FOUR years now. I don't want her to remember a time when it was just her, I want her to have always known she grew up with a sibling. Obviously I have ZERO control over this and you can't plan things like this, well I can't anyway, my ovaries are that of an 80 year old woman apparently. The hubby's response to this "Who cares if they are four years apart?" (insert another awkward silence) I do, me. I care. No, the IUI isn't guaranteed but the chances are a HELL of a lot better. They use medication to grow nice, big follicles,  injectables to trigger ovulation and  place the best swimmers directly IN the uterus at the time of ovulation, bypassing any cervical mucus issues and any issues my cervix may have from my CKC surgery. I wish I could be as not as concerned about this as my hubby but its just not me. We're all getting older, my uterus is getting lonelier, my cervix is jacked up and maybe this is when I have to let go. If we can't afford IUI there is now way we'd ever be able to do IVF, so my only option? opk's, temping, bd'ing and praying. That's it.

The Potty Training Chronicles

Potty training, check. Yes, this kid potty trained over the weekend, she amazes me! Friday and Saturday we did the pull up/panties combo, the panties were great for letting her know she peed, the pull ups I could still do without, however they are nice on-the-go. Sunday she went commando the whole day and had NO accidents, zero! She would be playing, would realize she had to go, go to her potty, sit down and do her thing! We went to dinner that evening so obviously we had to put  a pull up on her, a little nudie probably isn't acceptable in a restaurant not to mention unsanitary. Anyway, she told me in the middle of dinner that she had to go, so we used the big, gross public restroom at Country Cookin' for the first time, and she went, she held it and went and made it home with a dry pull up! Success! I'm so excited for her, however I loved the convenience of diapers, never had to worry when we're in the back of the store with a cart full of groceries if she had to pee but whatever, that cart will be there when we're done (hopefully!) My little pixie is no longer a baby, she's a little girl.

Oh and Happy Valentine's Day!--just another infertile day for me. Hopefully, at least, I won't have to cook dinner! I will however, enjoy these delicious cupcakes and cookies my boss brought in, I may just eat them ALL!

"you'll never guess who's pregnant"

Not me.

My SIL's sister, Ms. unstable, gypsy soul, on again off again ufc wanna be boyfriend, kids are a financial burden, I don't want any" is pregnant. Seriously? seriously. Maybe I should give her lifestyle a try, ward off any future financial burdens I may have and maybe, just maybe it will happen for me. Lily was in our future financial burden's room today and we were talking about brothers and sisters and she asked where her sister is? Heaven. He/she is in heaven. In heaven with God and TJ and we need to tell them to send him/her down to us. While Ms gypsy get a surprise, unwanted baby, our much wanted, already loved baby is still in heaven, waiting for us. Yay, me. This is the infertile club, the worst club you could ever be in.

I got my positive opk on CD 21 so I o'd between then and today. Hubby and I got all our bases covered so now we're onto the TWW, the longest two weeks of every cycle. Hubby changed the brakes in my car while I painted the hallway upstairs. We had a pretty low-key day of daunting household chores and of course, more potty training. Its, going, going better than last time but with out a doubt is far from over. When she wears her big girl panties I put a waterproof pad on the couch to avoid pee soaked couches, it totally looks like a puppy pad but whatever. Panties work better than pull-ups, at least she realizes she's peed.

Tomorrow I'm making valentines cupcakes and cards with my little valentine. Followed by dinner with my family, a great way to end my weekend.

The potty training chronicles

Potty training isn't for the weak hearted. For those of you who don't know, we attempted potty training in November and it was an epic fail. I read in a magazine to put your kid in regular panties, so they can feel that they are wet and set a timer for every 5 minutes so they are sure to make some sort of 'deposit' into the toilet. Sounds pretty simple, right? Maybe if your kid is a robot! She peed on the couch, on the floor and although she didn't like it, it didn't stop her from doing it, not to mention getting a two year old to sit down anywhere for five minutes is a challenge. We tried for about two hours and switched to pull-ups, that's what they are made for, potty training. However they are pretty much diapers that 'pull-up' so she did not mind peeing in them at all, keeps her from missing her favorite episode of Barney that she's seen 150 times. She ended the two hours with "No like it!" FINE BY ME! It was awful, all the candy, praise and stickers in the world weren't going to convince her that using the potty was awesome. Her BFF at daycare, along with two other half pints are potty training now, so I figured now is the time. She was over the moon excited that her bff used the potty and she decided she's ready for pull-ups and big girl panties. I sent her in this morning with three extra pull ups and a tiny reminder to use the potty. Her bff may have just saved my life! The babysitter lines them all up to use the potty and if they use it, they get an m&m. If that's not motivation I don't know what is. I have to say that being a working mom, I do get a little extra help in the potty training area, I mean the babysitter will be stuck with most of the work Mon-Thurs. 7:30-4. I'm a little relieved because i was not looking forward to going at the task alone. Don't judge me.

I talked to my SIL (who by the way has a beautiful three month old) for the first time in about 3 weeks, we've both been busy and its been hard to catch up. She sent me a text first thing yesterday morning that says "any news?" So, is this your idea of catching up? Every time I see her, the first words out of her mouth are "any news?" just shove the knife in my gut in a little further when I have to respond with "it wasn't our month". Not to mention she asks at all the wrong times. I mean I'm not asking her to write down my menstrual cycle on her calender but obviously if I just o'd two days ago, I don't have news. Thank GOD for my inner circle friends. I've got three friends who don't ask if I have news, they don't bother me about why my ovaries aren't working, they don't send me stupid articles on losing weight for fertility. They are just there, even though they don't quite understand all the ttc stuff, they listen. They know its a struggle for me and don't look at me with sympathetic eyes. Yes, I long for a baby in my arms but I know that it will happen for me, naturally, medically, invasive--it will happen, just not on my timing and they get that. They give me the strength I need to get out of whatever slump I'm in and push through.

I think I ovulated on CD 19, two days ago! We got some seriously good BD'ing in too (like 5 days in a row good!). I should get my CH's on FF tomorrow and I'll post my chart if I do. I'm feeling a bit worn out this cycle, I'm tired. I'm tired of temping, tired of 'scheduled' sex, tired of trying so hard for something and getting nothing. I feel like all we have is 'just in case' sex, just in case I'm ovulating, just in case I haven't ovulated. My hub, of course, has no problem with any form of sex, yet, anyway.

put some feel good in my soul

We kicked off Sunday by going to church, we haven't been in months and haven't been to the church in our new town since moving there in September. It's not actually my church, my hub is a member and it's important to him that we try and go at least once a month. I don't mind going now that we're in a different ward than the in-laws (ha!). I go in hope that some one's story will completely change my life.

After church we headed to the mall to do a little shopping, then took Lily to Chuck E Cheese. This Chuck E Cheese is fairly sketchy, sometimes the skee ball games have no balls, the people there are from other planets and kids are insane. I dont' know why we even made the 45 minute trip for her to spend most of it in fear that Chuck was after her. She rode a few rides, the hub played a few games and we were OUT. We left there and went to a Super Bowl party. My team wasn't in the Superbowl but we still celebrated by going to a small get together with my Mullins family. We had been invited to a party in our neighborhood by a friend we went to HS with. We just started getting together with him, his wife and daughter, however his wife and my SIL have just become bff's after meeting and I get completely ignored (are we IN HS again?) besides, he was inviting a bunch of other dbag's from HS and the hub and I didn't feel like being ignored the whole time, not my idea of a good time.  It was nice at the Mullins--no daunting questions about baby number 2, good food, beer and all my favorite people in one room. There is something serene to being around them, they aren't my actual 'family' in a biological sense of the word but they might as well be. We didn't end up getting home until 10:30 and I still had to shower, get some BD'ing in and write out bills, so we didn't get to sleep until about midnight, coffee is my bff this morning!

CD 18 today, should be o'ing any day now. My opk was negative on Saturday but there was a definite line, just not as dark as the control so I'm hoping maybe today or tomorrow. I've got such high hopes for this cycle, as do I every other cycle. I really hope I'm not setting myself up to be crushed. I've been taking my prenatal's everyday, I didn't even do that when I was preg with Lily! I cut WAY back on caffeine, I limit it to one caffeinated drink a day and for the most part I don't even do that. I've got nothing else to do, but wait.

When you try your best but you don't succeed, when you get what you want but not what you need

Suck it, yesterday. I have been to FOUR different dollar stores in search for my OPK's for this week/next. Three of the four didn't carry them and I get to the fourth (which I KNOW carries them) and I see a 25% off sticker, sweet, wait--are all the ttc'ers ovulating this week? There were none left and the 105 year old cashier a.) had no idea what OPK's were and b.) informed me that they wouldn't get another shipment until next week. Thanks, moses, for that.

Fast forward to last night--I took Lily to meet the Puppy (whom I've already named Ava!) She's interested in her but she's two, so she didn't really have any attachment, unlike myself who completely fell in love with her! I called the hub on the way home to share my excitement and he's just not feeling it. I just wanted to cry, I can actually control this and he's just saying no? If anything he should know that telling me I CAN'T have something only makes me want it more. We've got a hold on her until Thursday at 5, so I've got two days to do my hardest convincing.

Happy Groundhog Day! My grandmother actually lives in Punxsutawney (yes, people really do live there!) Groundhog Day is actually like a week long celebration up there, we've never been before because its so crazy but one year we're going to! Groundhog Phil predicted an early Spring--I hope he's right!