scars, yeah, she's got her scars

The candlelight vigil for my dear friend was perfect. Faces glowing amongst the candles flickering, stories told, tears shed and laughter ensued. Together, united, we all stood around the gravesite in a circle remembering the life of someone who touched each of our hearts. It was a cold October evening but the unity, stories and ambiance of the candlelight could keep even the coldest soul, warm. Strength comes in numbers and it was proven that night. All problems are set aside, age is insignificant and we all come together in a pain we each share, to keep the memory alive and to help each other heal through tears, joy and hope. Its a beautiful thing, to be a able to turn pain, into pride.

*****

I've been better at temping this month and lo and behold, what is this you ask? CH's on my chart! It means I most likely ovulated this month, I hadn't thought I had been and I'm still not entirely convinced as the post-o temps are still fairly low, but even a light O, is better than no O. this life theory goes for both types of O's if you catch my drift! We did have a little baby making action around the time I received CH's, so who knows! I am in no way getting my hopes up, I know how this goes and my last few months have been wishy-washy with short LP's. Its nice to think though, that it would be a miracle to 'unexpectetly' get pregnant after two years of trying.

*******

It may have been the cold meds that I'm taking to kick this cold, but I just had the most random e-chat with a customer service rep from the Halloween shop I bought my costume from, its also proof that I’m not an adult but it was too awesome not to share!

Hi, My name is JASON, what can I help you with today?

Stacy: Really? Is your name really Jason?

JASON: Yes. Why do you ask?

Stacy: I just figure most people who do these 24 hour online service things are from like India or something. No offense if you are actually from India or something.

JASON: None taken. Is there something I can help you with?

Stacy: So…you are from India. Oh, yes. I ordered a costume last week and never received a shipment email and I need it by the 28^th. Oh, and I don’t have my order number.

JASON: What is the order name?

Stacy: Hannibal Lector

Stacy: Just kidding. I bet you get that a lot being a Halloween costume store and all. It’s actually Stacy Morrison.

JASON: One moment, while I retrieve your information.

JASON: We do have your order information, it was received on 10/20 and it looks like it was refunded the same day.

Stacy: I’m not sure why it was refunded, I never cancelled it?

JASON: It shows you should have received a notice via email about your credit card not being accepted.

Stacy: Are you judging me right now because my credit card was not accepted?

JASON: No ma’am.

Stacy: Because some jackwagon stole my credit card number last week and bought what I’m assuming was $300 in Redskins gear.

JASON: I’m sorry to hear of that.

Stacy: Anyway, I check my email daily and never got anything.

JASON: I’m sorry of that also, this is what was sent: *sends copy of email*

Stacy: So basically I need to reorder in hopes that I get it by Friday so I can win a costume party as Minnie Mouse?

JASON: I wish I had better news for you but it seems that is what you will need to do. We offer three day shipping for $8.99 that will get it to you by the 28^th.

Stacy: I mean, that’s pretty much my only option at this point.

JASON: Touche.

Stacy: Are you even real? I bet you’re a robot named Jason.

JASON: I can assure you, I’m not. Is there anything else I can do for you today Ms. Morrison?

Stacy: A real robot wouldn’t tell me he was a robot anyway.

JASON: Well, if there is nothing else I can do for you, thank you for ordering!

Stacy: I’m in an office all day by myself. I bet this is your best day having a conversation with Hannibal Lector!

JASON: Have a happy Halloween!

Stacy: Do they have classes that like, teach you to send nice responses to belligerent/awesome people? I’m pretty sure if I was you, I would like talking to people in the USA.

 --
JASON is no longer available

Asshole.

We've got a busy weekend planned, a costume party Friday, (which by the way I landed on Minnie Mouse this year and Lily stood her ground on bumble bee) and the pumpkin patch followed by carving on Saturday. Its going to be a crisp fall weekend, one that you'll need to come home from picking out the perfect pumpkin to making up some hot chocolate while you watch pumpkin seeds glow in the oven.

The memories have left you broken and the scars have never healed

You always remember what you were doing, who you were with and the moment that something life changing happens. It’s like the groundwork to who you become, the dots to which lines will be added to in life.

Before my husband proposed, my brother and I were waiting for him in my car and I opened the glove box for something and there a ring box was. I quickly shut the glove box knowing full well I wasn’t supposed to see it and my brother and I never spoke of it again. My husband had planned a whole trip up to the Shenandoah Mountains (to this day I’m unsure why as I’m the last person you want to take hiking anyway, I’m about as athletic as an overweight smoker) but it was raining that day and I put up a big fight about not wanting to go, after seeing the ring box I understood why he was so persistent about going. We didn’t go and he ended up asking me in my parent’s living room in the house I grew up in. He came in, turned the movie I was watching off and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him on that rainy September day. I had a hint it was coming since I stumbled upon it, but it didn’t make that moment any less special, the moment I knew who I wanted to grow old with. That house carries a lot of memories with it and was only appropriate it hold the one that would start the rest of my life.

The night we decided we were ready for a family. It was December 10^th; I had stopped taking birth control at the beginning of the month and knew we should start trying around the 14^th because ‘normal’ people ovulate around day 14 of your cycle. We lit candles and made it romantic for our very first night of actual baby-making sex, which is much different then the “pull and pray” we’d been practicing since high school. We figured we would have good news to share the next month or so, little did we know the long emotional road that lied ahead of us, the road that ended up making us stronger, the same road that led me to being a mom.

The day I found out I was pregnant, was actually quite a surprise. It had been a 16 month wait and late periods and negative pregnancy tests were common occurrences, on a monthly basis. It was a Friday morning in late August and I was getting ready for work, I had a few pregnancy tests left over from the previous month and realized I was about three days late and thought, what the hell, I’ll probably ruin my whole Friday but the desire to pee on a stick was much needed that morning. I peed, brushed my teeth and went to throw the test in the trash but on this particular morning, 16 months of disappointment and reoccurring one pink lines, there were TWO pink lines, two dark pink lines. I kept the secret all day long because I was sure I would go home and the lines wouldn’t be there but I busted out the big guns with the digital and there is no mistaking the word “pregnant”. To this day I can still feel the excitement in my soul.

The moment I laid eyes on my beautiful baby girl, is completely unexplainable. It was a long wait, a hard labor and all of the pain went away the second I saw her. The dim lights in the room, the family anxiously waiting in the sitting area and the looks of pure admiration from my husband are etched into my being. It was 9:04 at night and as exhausted as I was after the nurses went to their stations and our families had retreated for the night, I couldn’t make myself close my eyes because if this was actually a dream, I didn’t want to wake up from it. She is the answer to my dreams and this unbelievable amount of love I have in my heart, began with her.

Loss, we all experience it. From our first pet passing to an older grandparent, death is a part of life. I was always lucky enough to not have lost many people close to me. A few great grandparents when I was little and a couple grandparents as I got older, you hear of people losing close ones on the news all the time and I was always really naive to it because I had never experienced the loss of someone I was really close to. It was a beautiful October day, we had spent the day at the pumpkin patch picking out the perfect pumpkins to carve. My friend TJ and I had texted back and forth a few times laughing about the night before when we all went out for drinks, he was anxious about turning 21 in a few days, the last text he sent was “all hell will break loose when I’m 21!”. We went back to my brother in laws house for pizza and I had just heard that TJ was in an accident, so I called his mom and the only thing she said was “He’s not breathing Stac, he’s not breathing”. These words haunt me to this day. I sat down, I couldn’t eat and we were in a house full of people and I’m not sure I was even able to breathe for the next 23 minutes. They were transporting him to Mary Washington Trauma where my sister in law was a nurse at, she assured me how good the trauma team was and I reassured myself that he would be ok, they will fix him right up and we’ll go see him tomorrow. The next phone call I got was my brother on the other end, asking if I had heard, Yes, I’d heard about the accident but nothing since then. The next words I heard made my knees weak, “He’s gone”. The days following were a blur, we celebrated his birthday best we could at his parent’s house with all his friends, family, beer and cornole, just how he would have wanted it and his mom released 21 balloons at 9:00pm, when he was born. And he was laid to rest on the 28^th. With the one year mark being this Sunday, the 23rd, it stirs up all the pain, it stirs up all the emotions that came with not knowing the last hug or text was going to be the last one. The pain we try to subdue all year long seems to surface around this time, the pain that will always leave a dull ache in our hearts for the rest of our lives.  If there is anything anyone can learn from TJ, its he lived everyday like it was his last. He experienced life with a smile and went out riding on something he loved doing that his friend only gave him the chance to do, a street bike. I hate the sound of them, I can’t look at them but it made him happy and he died, while living. Smells, places and materials always tie us to people, they always will and through these things you’re able to heal, remember and relive. The memories though faded, will last forever and whether it’s landing your first real job, laughing over coffee with someone who will be your forever, gazing into the eyes of your baby for the first time or saying goodbye to someone on a cool fall day, these moments made you the person you are today. Breathe in each moment and never forget what, or who, made you. Reminiscing on these times, even the hard ones, will help even the most lost soul, find their way back home. Each person, each experience and every love in your life has impacted it, whether you know it or not. It’s ok to laugh, its ok to cry and its ok to hug a little harder when it’s a bad day. Utilize your friends, especially the ones whom you don’t have to say a word to, the ones that just know you need them. Embrace your family, in every conceivable manner, family is the link to our past and the bridge to our future. It is tied to places, events and history. With all these felt details, life etches itself into memory.


Miss you TJ, a little more everyday.

www.inlovingmemoryoftjmullins.weebly.com

 

when you're happy like a fool, let it take you over.

Retail therapy really is the best kind of therapy. I could go talk my heart out to a real therapist about the many a issue I have but damn if going and buying a new pair of hot heels doesn’t make me feel good. We went shopping and to a few wineries (yes, this is also fantastic therapy) with our friends on Monday and although I only came back with one shirt, the whole day was spent enjoying company and laughing, and laughter really is, the best medicine. We checked one winery off our list and moved onto the next, which happened to look like it was in the basement of a regular house, that is if you could get past the porta-john in the front yard. We were slightly frightened that we would knock on the door and an old man would yell to his ol’ lady to turn the TV off and get his pants. We decided to skip this one, since it was a sister winery to the first and shared same grapes, we didn’t really want to pay $7 to sit in a basement with father time scratching his balls while wiping the dust off the wine glasses and tasting the same shitty wine we tasted at the first place. I totally would have went in though, I love a good adventure and an even better story. On the way to our third winery of the day (we intended to hit four, we don’t mess around) we passed a smattering-of-shit-welded-together store. In the front yard was a giant metal rooster, if you haven’t read this story, read it and then the metal rooster sighting will blow your mind in awesomeness as it did mine. I have to have a giant metal rooster, I mean I guess I don’t need to go all crazy and get the giant, a little fella will do and it was only $80. My husband was not amused by my NEED for this rooster, nor could we fit it in my friends Mercedes but oh I will be going to back to get it, I will set it out on the hill behind my house, peeking out from the woods. I will be a great conversation piece. We all know I spend way too much time alone in my office, and as my own personal therapist I’m attributing my crazy chicken loving obsession to this. Just sayin.



That just happened.



I was on my way out of Lily’s classroom after I dropped her off for school and they had the parent-sign-up-to-bring-shit-to the class party board and I took a quick glace at who was bringing what and what they needed and you know what I picked? Pretzels. I’m the pretzel mom. Wtf. I know my baking abilities could be far better and I could have been cool and picked jello jigglers or even stepped out of the box and got a cool Halloween recipe or something but my hand wouldn’t stop me from writing her name beside freaking pretzels. I’m not a fan of being the pretzel mom, its Halloween, I could make any number of awesome things like witch fingers or whatever other creepy Halloween shit they have. Even worse, I signed up in pen. I don’t want to be the pretzel mom AND the crazy mom who scratches her kids name OFF of the pretzel list. Maybe I could totally redeem myself however by making the most awesome Halloween spaghetti brains those kids have ever seen. Too much? I’m pretty sure I’m over thinking the whole scenario seeing how chips and carrots also were taken; at least I’m not like the toilet paper mom or something. I’ll handle being pretzel mom this one time but I’ll kick the next parties ass.  You hear that Thanksgiving party? I’m coming for ya.

Have a glorious weekend, Friends!

falling into place

October. A brand new month, it felt good to rip off the August and September months from the ol' calendar. Life seemed to have really tested me those two months, possibly two of the longest and most awakening months of my life. October is a good month to tell life to suck it! I'm holdin' onto the handlebars this month and drivin' on my own. I've been terrible with my temping, I've been terrible with baby making sex and I have yet to make an appointment with a new RE. I really let life take over in all aspects and I know there are many things out of my control but there are some things, I can fight for. But I also know, you can't let infertility consume your life, you have to live and sometimes its ok for it to go on the 'back burner', sometimes life and living it renew your strength. “Practice not wanting, desiring, judging, doing, fighting, knowing. Practice just being. Everything will fall into place.” Most of my weekends this month are cram-packed with gatherings with friends or family. Its just a precursor to the holidays and I love it. However, October is also bittersweet for me. While the excitement of fall and the upcoming events gives you a high, the harsh reality that the 23rd is the one year mark of my dear friends sudden passing bores a deep hole in my heart. I strive everyday to remember his voice, to be sure I never forget it. I scroll through pictures reliving each memory over the years and I truly wear his memorial tattoo like a badge of honor. Its weird, pain heals pain, for me anyway. Getting a tattoo can close a chapter of life, it can heal a hurt like no other and it can bring a happiness like nothing else. It helps you to move on as well as remember. As I'm moving forward in other aspects of life, a new tattoo is being drawn. To commemorate the things I've been through and to honor my daughter. It's healing.

**********

"Remember that time I threw up on the table and on my food? That was a bad day" "Yes, yes that was a bad day" "What's that smell?" "It's smoke, someone has a fire going" "It smells like ham! I like ham" This kid's awesomeness rattles my bones. I know she's legitimately mine when she busts out with random thoughts and "that's a bad day's" I hope she speaks her uncensored mind for the rest of her life. She's sassy, she freaks out when she doesn't get her way, she knows exactly which buttons to push to send you over the edge but oh is she pure, she'll be the first person to tell you if she likes (or doesn't!) something, if she tells you out of nowhere that she loves you, oh how she means it. Treat her right and she'll love you like nobody else. We took her to see her first movie in theatre, complete with bag of day old popcorn and the biggest Sprite we could get. If you're going to get the full movie experience, you have to do it all, at least this once. We saw Lion King 3D and were the only ones in the theatre. If you're ever going to go to a movie, go on a Wednesday at 6:40, you'll never be sorry and we still made it home in time for Modern Family. The $50 in tickets and movie snacks were worth it because, we were making memories. Good memories, pumpkin carving in the fall, hot chocolate in the winter, vacations in the summer and movies on rainy days. Memories will always outweigh everything else, because without memories, life would suck. Memories will always teather you to certain places, people or things. Memories will make you smile or cry but everyone of them shaped you into the person you are. You are stronger for the tough memories, you are better for the happy ones and you are more wise for the bad ones.

yes, we are always this goofy.

Happy Thursday!  Dance class for the little and wine&dine with our favorites, I've got memories to be had!