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| Hey baby, I'm a rockstar |
It’s that time again, yes, Lily Grace’s birthday. Didn’t I
JUST plan a birthday party for her? Seriously. How has this year flown by so
quick? From where I sit in my office I can see the hospital she was born in, it’s
funny, no matter how much time ever passes, I will always remember every single
detail of that day that changed my life forever. So much has changed for her
over this year. It’s hard not to get super emotional this go around when thinking
of it. That kid is a monster, and I mean that in the best possible way. She’s
gone through things that three year olds shouldn’t. She’s felt emotions that
shouldn’t be tapped into until much later in life. She is a trooper. A mf’n monster! She’ll be the first to
tell you what’s on her mind, whether good or bad, whether you want to hear it
or not and even if it hurts. She’s walked one of the hardest lines in life, and
though the balance on that line isn’t over, she maintains perfect form while
doing it. I couldn’t be more proud of her, she inspires me every day to be
better. This year’s birthday theme is Tangled and we’re doing the party,
together. I haven’t seen most of my husband's family since the separation and aside from
one of them (who won’t even be there) I have no ill feelings, I’m actually kind
of excited to see them, I know some may not feel in the excitement to see me
but I’m hoping it’s not awkward for anyone. It’s about Lily, it’s her day and I
think with the legion of love we all share for her, we can bypass the
awkwardness for two hours. We are all entwined together forever and though the
love once shared between two families may not be as strong as it once was, it’s
still there and a part of our hearts will always reside a small piece for one
another. Lily is a piece of all of us, which makes her so perfect and the
reason I know there will be an unprecedented amount of love shown for her on
her big day.
*****
"Dreams aren’t meant to be understood any more than
tragedy can be averted. Life happens to us. We learn to be grateful when things
are good and to count our blessing when things are bad. And the only certainty
in all of it is that it all just keeps happening.” I have moments of happiness,
moments of sadness, moments where I push the bruise to feel the pain. I have
yet to let myself heal, I don’t know that I ever fully will, maybe when my
husband finds happiness that part can begin for me, maybe when Lily’s “bad” nights
are no more. I get stuck in this in between of carrying everyone’s hurt and
moving forward with my own happiness but I’m ok with it. I know time does its
part in healing. I know I can’t dwell on things I can’t change because life does
move on, with or without you. And when I do let myself feel moments of happiness,
oh it’s good. Chatting with a girlfriend, hearing “I love you momma”, fishing
with your hair curled and nails done with someone who makes you momentarily forget
all that you are holding on your shoulders, sitting in the sun with the
greatest support system anyone could have and SUMMERTIME (ok, I’m jumping the
gun on that one but with these warm days, it gets me stoked). My job is going
great, these doh-doh birds had no idea what they were doing however when they
hired me to work with my coworker. She is exactly like me. Frightening, right? Two
of us in one office, it’s pretty much the best day of people’s lives, or so I
like to think. She cusses and likes wine as much as I do. I’m trying to get the
guys to paint a giant mural of our faces on the wall. I’d like a unicorn body.
And maybe my normal color hair. And possibly with Justin Beiber riding me, not in a dirty way. I may or may not
have been kidding about the last part. The amount of coffee I’ve had today is
starting to make my wirey so the last half of this post might be random,
apologies. I took Lily to a rescue zoo a few weekends ago to avoid going to the
National Zoo on a Saturday. It was an hour drive and $15 for both of us to get
in. It only took half an hour for us to walk through and the tiger wasn’t even
there. So basically, it was a bunch of snakes, birds and random hybrids no one
has ever seen. I can see that in my back yard, or at work. I made us walk around twice just to make sure we didn’t
miss something glorious and then we had a picnic in the back of my car, where
we discussed the dumbness of our trip. I said sorry it sucked, she said “it’s
ok mom, just do better next time”. She had to go to the bathroom and I wasn’t
taking her back in to use the third world country porta potty’s and assumed she
just had to pee. I took her to the grass if
you’re judging me right now you probably shouldn’t read any further and as
she’s peeing proceeds to tell me she’s pretty sure she has to poop. Seriously,
Lily? Seriously. Right there in the grass, like a dog. I can see how this story
might go in a few years, “yeah, mom took me to this sucky zoo, we had cold
pizza in the car then I shit in the grass” awesome memories!
Happy rainy day, bloggy friends!
