detox, of sorts

Lily Grace started going to a babysitter at the ripe age of six weeks so leaving her with someone and to come back to her at the end of the day is nothing new to her, nor me however, she's been with the same group of kids, same provider for her entire life where rules weren't as strict, where a routine wasn't as planned and where most of the learning, was taught by leap frog and Dora. This was her first big step into the world of change and her journey into life. I'm excited for her and as we walked in, she hid behind a shy smile but by the time I left, she was already asking "Miss Cookie" if she could play with the paint. She's brave and as funny as it sounds, I gain a lot of strength from her. She's strong like her momma, and together we help each other. I did leave out the fact that she has had a terrible attitude lately, one of those, makes you want to hang yourself with the onion rings she's throwing, attitudes. I think the new routine, and the structure will coincide with helping contain her sassy girl ways, er god I hope so anyway. I know the first week or so may be a little difficult for her, that girl is set in her ways, another trait inherited from me. Its going to be a whole new realm for her and just the beginning of her future, nothing but up from here little one.

As she finds strength to barrel through her own emotional detox, I am doing the same. I keep busy, you know those worker bees that travel at insane rates of speed from flower, to flower, back to the nest, make a shit ton of honey and start all over? Yeah, add a shot of Monster energy and you have me. I have to keep my mind busy, busy on anything other than what it wants to drift off too. I clean, I cook, I rearrange, I clean some more, I even succumbed to washing Lily's car seat cover and if you've ever seen that thing, you'll know that's a half day project in itself, disgusting. I'll do whatever, to keep my mind straight. For the love of god, I even kept my dentist appointment yesterday just so I had some other purpose, something else to do. I then made a trip to the grocery store. What? Haven't you ever seen a woman with a gossip magazine, wine and steakums? This whole quit-whatever-habit-you-have 'cold turkey' thing is proving to be much harder than I thought, because no matter how busy you keep, or what other life happenings are going on, you still hurt and your heart, is still heavy. No amount of 'comfort' food is enough, the new phone that was supposed to keep you occupied for a few days, only keeps you occupied for a couple of hours. Every song on the radio seems to pertain to your exact situation. The only place I'm really able to let my guard completely down and let lose all emotion tied to this, is at the cemetery, with TJ. sounds depressing as hell, right? I promise, I'm not going to hang myself with onion rings.  You can throw yourself into anything but the pain, you can't outrun. It always finds a way to creep up inside of you, that black cloud seems to follow you around even on the sunniest of days and the more you try to block it out, the worse it gets. You have to deal with it, you have to cope with it and finally, accept it. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, my brother and I are a lot alike in that way, something about how we grew up, don't ask, dont tell. The easiest feelings to fake, are those to fool someone else and while holding all your emotion in and figuring it out in your head by yourself isn't healthy, I'm not one to burden any one with my shit. unless you're a faithful blog reader, then you get it all. Thanks, btw. I took the first big step, well, I was given a little shove in the right direction anyway, by deleting numbers from my phone, numbers attached to people, who are not healthy in my moving forward. This was hard, that step which may seem so simple, was actually one of the hardest because not only are you removing those numbers from your phone, but from your life. You are deleting people behind these numbers and no matter how unhealthy they are, they were still a part of your life and these decisions will make, or break you. Like a maple tree losing leaves in the fall, you feel lost and bare but I try to find some comfort in knowing that come springtime, you will be green and thriving, it gives you a sense that this isn't the beginning of the end, its only the beginning.

In other news, I finally had to call my DR office regarding my progesterone results from last Thursday, the nurse says "it looks like you're still not ovulating, so increase your Clomid to 150mg, or three pills." HELLO, Nurse, this is earth, where the fuck have you been? I haven't been on Clomid in a year, and what makes you freaks think it would work this time around when it never worked the first time. I told them I need an HSG, I know my body and I'm not wasting anymore time or money on medications that after 5 previous cycles, clearly do not work for me. If there's a blockage in the tubes, ain't no amount of Clomid going to get that freakin' egg to do pirouettes out of my tubes. Time for a new office? Yes, yes it is. I'm calling tomorrow.





oh hey brain, I've missed you

Woke up late. Ran out of time to blow dry my hair. Kid woke up early. Cried for 23 minutes because she couldn't wear a 'pretty dress' or her Dora flip flops that are too small. Got my period (I'll explain below). Hub calls, forgot ALL of his softball stuff, in which he needs to play tonight. Awesome! gather his softball shit that is strewn throughout the house. Get crying three year old juice, a snack, and in the car. Hit the car door on a giant ladder in our garage (wtf!). Ate Captain Crunch while driving, no spoon. Que more crying because I left my ipod and couldn't play "Homeboy" or "Bow chicka wow wow". All before 7:30 this morning. All that balance of work/mom shit, totally out the window this morning, I wanted to scream, pretty sure I did at some point, not at the kid, just in the general direction of everything. I hate losing my cool, I don't want the little to remember Ma, the ol' bitch who screams out like she has torrett's and puts the box of cereal in the fridge because she is legitimately crazy. I want to be Mom, who stops for milkshakes, jams to cool songs and won't tell Dad if you want birth control. Sometimes its hard to balance crazy mom with cool mom and sometimes its ok to just scream, because it always makes you feel better. I said sorry for screaming, she said "its ok, its just a accident" and off we went. Pretty sure cool mom won this morning. Put that in your juice box and suck it, crazy mom.

****

"The sudden disappointment of hope leaves a scar which the ultimate fulfillment of that hope never entirely removes" Basically, even if I ever do get another baby, my soul will always be bruised. Af, Aunt Flo, "the witch", Mother Nature's monthly 'gift' whatever you call it, I got it. 8 days early, once again. This only means a whole new set of problems because even if by chance my hateful cervix lets sperm in, 8 days is not enough time for implantation to take place. Average luteal phases are 12-14 days, the past three months mine have been a solid 7-8 days, seriously?seriously. I did a little reading online on ways to lengthen the luteal phase and vitamin B6 can help, seems the reason the phase is short is that I'm lacking enough progesterone. This shouldn't be a problem when its time for the IUI because they give you progesterone supplements after the procedure to make sure this doesn't happen. To make my day even better, first post when I logged into facebook or rather fertilebook is a status from a girl who is 35 weeks pregnant, complaining about her heartburn and not sleeping and how pregnancy isn't what it cracked up to be and she just wants her baby out. I know pregnancy isn't easy but seriously? I whole heartily wanted to post the following video to her status because quite literally, I would die for heartburn, swollen feet, kicks to the ribs and sleepless nights.

Disclaimer: To my fellow infertiles, stop, grab a glass of wine, an entire box of tissues and plan on hitting 'repeat' multiple times.

its clear to see, she was sent for me.



Three, bitches.

 I'm finding it very hard to believe that this time THREE years ago I was lying in a hospital bed listening to the heartbeat of my unborn baby girl on the fetal monitor and watching curiously as each contraction would bring me closer to meeting the love of my life. I can remember every detail of that day, I can still feel the seven pound weight of her body lying on my chest. I can still feel her heart beat as if its my own. Its days like today that we realize that its not just where we are from but, who we've become. I've overcome obstacles, laughed when I felt like crying and pushed through when I all I wanted to do was give up. I've seen Lily Grace grow and change in the last few years and can't tell you how proud she makes me. I can't quite put into words how thankful I am for her. We were blessed with her arrival three years ago today and oh what a blessing she truly is, I appreciate her more than she will ever know. It was a long, hard road to meeting her and one day she'll know just what a miracle she is. This overwhelming amount of love I have in my heart? it began with her. She inspires me everyday to be a better wife, mom, a better me. I know heartache and strength like no other but I also know pure love like no other, because of her. I've seen her develop into a little girl over these three years, an amazing, inspirational, I'm going places in this world, little girl. She's my bossy, blonde haired, air guitar playin', perfect little pixie who is quick to stand her ground, speaks right from the soul and will tell you every time, when she's happy. She's going places, she dances to the beat of her own drum and I will be there, every step of the way. I promise that I'll balance friendship and parenting, guidance and authority. I promise to keep secrets and stay up too late a time or two watching movies. I promise to be the 'cool' mom without embarrassing you. I promise to be at every game, play or competition you're ever in and I promise we'll always get milkshakes, play the air guitar and sing our hearts out to The Band Perry when we've had bad days. I promise to give you the best of me, all my life because you saved me by bringing me you.

Happy third birthday, Lily Grace! I want you to know today and always that I will be here always, wherever life takes you, I'll be here.

"I cross my heart, and promise too, I'll give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true. In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine."

Because nothing in this life warms my heart as much as playing this song as loud as we can and still being able to hear her angelic three year old voice own every word of it. Give me a sunny day. Sunglasses. a little air guitar and my soul mate singing her heart out in the back seat. I love this life, this life that has her in it. She makes my soul, free. Here's to you, Lily Grace, for being the most open minded, awesome three year old I've ever met.You were born to do big things, you're going to kick life's ass! Love you, boo.

happy state of mind. oh, & Clint Eastwood

Happiness. I think if we all thought of it as a state of mind, a mood, rather than a destination, people would find happiness a lot more often. It can be as simple as an ice cold cup of water waiting for you after you've made yourself run two miles. It can be as sweet as the tea you're sipping in the company of good friends. I can be as beautiful as seeing your first spring blooms popping through the mulch and feeling like its Christmas morning because you can't remember what you planted in the fall. It can be as rewarding as seeing your almost three year old doing something on her own, that you only showed her how to do, moments before. It can come in the form of a tiny pill that gives you so much hope for this month's cycle. It's random texts from people who are cheering you on from the sidelines. Its a fresh coat of paint on a wall that you've been neglecting far too long. It's pumpkin spice in the fall and a frappacino in the summer. It's dinner parties with new friends or celebrating a birthday with 13 of your favorite people and laughing so hard that you're in tears. Happiness is all around us. Live in that moment, drink it in. Happiness is a mood, so it comes and goes. Be happy, now.

On another note, that almost three year old I was talking about? Not happy. Happiness has been far from her range of emotions lately. I remember at her two year appointment, the DR asked about her behavior and such and told me that for girls, their "terrible two's" tend to happen at three. I laughed, if we make it through these two's than I  can handle threes. Clearly he went home that night and make a voo-doo doll of yours truly and pinned in right in my patience. She's a really good girl, she's always slept well, listened pretty well but here lately I'm almost positive she's the spawn of Satan. Belligerent, bossy, dramatic three's. Bad things come in three's right? If this is just the beginning then we are in for one hell of a ride. You know the mom on the news who leaves her kids at home and drives her minivan into the river? I know why she did it--Three's. Dear lord of the three's, please let me not be that mom, give me the strength to not turn into Hulk and destroy her toys, bless me with with 20 minutes of me time to partake in a nice shower or running sesh preferably a shower that does not involve me crying in the corner with cold water running because I don't want to get out or a running sesh that does not include blasting the stereo ridiculously loud to drown out the whining. With these things, I think I may make it through the three's. These things and margs.

"You've got to ask yourself one question. 'Do I feel lucky?' "Well, do ya punk?" THE Clint Eastwood is coming to our town, our little town. He will be here tomorrow, he will bring with him the most noise our town has ever heard. He's producing a movie and starring Leonardo DiCaprio (hollerrr!). The scene they are doing is located at the courthouse, 2 blocks from my work. Am I going to try and get a sneak peek you ask? Hell yeah! Our courthouse is one of the nicest courthouses, ever. It still has all of the original architecture and stadium seating. I mean, I haven't actually witnessed the courtroom and plan to never see it ever unless its in a big movie directed by Clint Eastwood. However, an auditor I work with frequents courthouses and said ours is that good. There will be many street closures and a few mad business owners but whatever, its Clint Eastwood, bitches.

I'm not lucky, I'm blessed

Three days down, two to go and then its just the 3-9 day wait for O! With my previous attempts at Oing with Clomid, I would O around CD15-16, so I'm hoping the same for this go round. I'm really amped (yes, I just said amped) about this cycle. I even cut to de-caff coffee, this is monumental! Hub has his s/a this week, finally. I expect it to be totally normal but at least we'll know.

My eating routine is almost back to normal however I did enjoy the ice cream, banana cookie pudding and applesauce diet while it lasted. I was actually really surprised at how fast it was, 20 minutes to numb, 10 to pull. He pulled the first one and I said "seriously? its out already?" it may have come out more blurred than that seeing how chipmunk cheek syndrome was in full affect. I was out of the office in 30 minutes, way better than being put under and like $400 cheaper, hollaa! I'm not good with seeing-your-own-blood type stuff. When I was admitted to the hospital to have Lily, the nurse was trying to put my IV in and messed up and my blood started squirting everywhere--que pale face, rapid heartbeat, cold sweat and passing out. Ever since that episode I'm all nervous about giving blood, taking blood anything blood related freaks me out now.

I've come to realize how blessed I am to have the hub, as a dad. He's not a 'normal' dad, he's amazing. He doesn't drive 45 minutes to drop his kid off so he can sleep in, he misses her when she's been gone 5 minutes. He endures hours of Barney or Elmo for the chance to lay on the couch with her while she eats her popcorn and asks him to pass her juice. He dances with her at the end of her favorite movie, much in the way he will dance with her at her wedding. He exudes so much love for that little pixie of ours and I am so thankful for him, for that. He never complains about the way my mood changes with the wind regarding our infertility issues. He's my backbone and the structure in which we will continue to build our family. I can't wait to make him a dad again and if I can't, then I know Lily will bless us more than we'll ever know.

a plan of sorts

I started spotting Sunday, as I do every cycle that AF shows and of course she arrived Monday morning. I don't get it, five days, FIVE, like in a row and egg and sperm couldn't meet? seriously? this only verifies that something has to be wrong. Luckily hubby's s/a consult is March 1st, I'm anxious for it to get here but at the same time what if it comes back normal again? There will be no more answers than we have now, which are none. AF was a lot lighter than normal and because of my lower than normal temps I'm thinking that my O wasn't a 'good' one.  I'm going to do Clomid 50 mg CD5-9 this cycle, I know that I O on my own but I'm hoping this will help me O better, if that's even possible. My last Clomid attempts I took it CD3-7 which helps ovulation by creating many follicles, CD5-9 will only create a few but gives them more time to mature so maybe the change in Clomid is just what my body needs. I've got three Clomid refills left and I'm not going any higher on the dosage since it completely diminished my CM the last time I took it not to mention its known for thinning your uterine lining. I'm also taking baby aspirin this cycle (its supposed to help thicken the lining) and evening primrose oil prior to O, to help with the CM. So that's my plan, for this month and until we can come up with the money we need for the IUI. I'd really like to set a goal, the hub can travel for work and earn a good bonus for doing so (WTF is he waiting for?) He's never done it before but he's going to inquire about it this week! Bring on the night sweats, hot flashes and mood swings!

I semi 'outed' myself on FB last week. I'm doing this 30 Days in Pictures thing and one day was 'a picture of your biggest insecurity'. Mine, of course is when or if god will bless us with another baby. One of my 'friends' commented that she "has been trying for 9 years with no luck and to keep the faith", I nicely replied and went on about my day. My dear friend brought to my attention that if this girl was trying for 9 years, she started trying when she was SIXTEEN. She also has never been married nor even in a steady relationship until just recently. My friend totally called her out on it and the girls response "I tried off and on for a few years but I don't want kids right now, we're waiting until we're married" WTF, than you can't claim to be an infertile! Yes, this is the suckiest club, ever in the history of clubs BUT until you have woken up every single morning for the past year to stick a thermometer in your mouth, forked out hundreds of dollars on fertility tests and medications, experience hot flashes in the middle of the night that make you feel like your are literally lying next to satan, have had an absolutely heartbreaking loss and have had more doctors and nurses peek into your vagina than your husband than no, NO you do not get to claim yourself as an infertile. {insert explicit gesture here}

Please check out the following blog, she's having a give-away for reaching 100 followers!
http://unaffectedbyyou.blogspot.com/2011/02/100-followers-giveaway.html

I leave you with parenting tips from Shine.com, I, personally have heard every.single.one. Enjoy!

The 10 Most Irritating, Least Helpful Parenting Tips Ever

I have nothing against friends and family offering advice when you come to them with a dilemma. It's the people who pipe up, unbidden, because they see you with a child and assume you have no idea what you're doing. Too often these people are elderly great-aunts. Fortunately those ladies are afraid of the Internet, so I can rail against them and they'll be none the wiser! Thanks, ladies.

1. "Sleep now, because once that baby comes you'll never sleep again." Technically this is a pregnancy tip, of course, but I'm shoving it in here anyway. Yes, Great-Aunt Hildy, I will sleep throughout my entire third trimester. Because I am part bear.

2. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Everyone gives you this one — annoying relatives, pediatricians, the cashier at the drugstore where you were buying newborn diapers. Are these people all robots, capable of instantly dropping off to sleep whenever their child is unconscious? Do they not have other things to do, like bathe, or simply relish the rare moments of silence you get when you have an infant?

3. "I think your baby's hungry." Whether you're nursing or bottle-feeding, everyone assumes you don't know how to feed your child. And every time your child cries, whines, grimaces, or squirms, they are going to assume you are starving your poor baby and you need reminders to feed it. Lest you forget! This advice is especially maddening when they turn out to be correct.

4. "Relish every moment of your baby's first years, because they'll be grown before you know it." You mean, time only moves forward? I had no idea! I thought we'd be like this forever and ever! This sort of advice, obvious and innocuous as it seems, always put me on the defensive, as if I had just been carrying my baby under my arm like a football, muttering, "Grow up already, why don't you. Just GROW UP."

5. "I hope you're sleep training that child. Do you WANT him to be spoiled?" Oh, distant relative/person whose aisle I shared at the supermarket, I'm so glad you know exactly my child needs. And that you know, from your years of scientific research, that any child not allowed to cry it out will be a horrible waste of flesh! (See #6 for this parenting tip's counterpart.)

6. "I hope you're not doing that 'crying it out' thing. It's so barbaric. Enjoy your baby all through the night!" Again, kudos to you, whoever you are, for knowing what's best for our unique family situation! I will be calling you at 4 a.m., so you can enjoy our baby as well.

7. "Why are you bringing your child outside when it's so cold out?" It never ceased to amaze me that, no matter what my child's age, total strangers will express alarm and revulsion that I dared expose him to the elements. "And WHY ISN'T BE WEARING MITTENS? He's going to get consumption!"

8. "Your child isn't really sad/angry/injured. He's just manipulating you." There's no doubt that children can push our buttons as if they've had professional training in it, but the notion that my kid's authentic feelings are in fact manufactured to elicit a reaction really chaps my hide. If that were always true, he'd be a pint-sized sociopath.  I'm pretty sure that's not the case.

9. "Schools are just glorified prisons. If you loved your child, you'd homeschool." Oh, if only I loved my child enough to abandon my livelihood, tear him away from the community he so enjoys, separate him from the professionals who have dedicated their careers to childhood education, and forced him to stay home all day with me, where we'd be at each other's throats for hours! If only! Please note: I am not opposed to homeschooling, at all — in fact I wish it would work for us, but it would not.

10. "If I were you, I'd just—" OH NO YOU DON'T. I know where this is going. Listen, unnamed distant acquaintance who last parented in the 19th century (it's true — I often get my unwanted advice from ghosts) you don't know diddly about my kid, and our relationship, and what works for us.