The memories have left you broken and the scars have never healed

You always remember what you were doing, who you were with and the moment that something life changing happens. It’s like the groundwork to who you become, the dots to which lines will be added to in life.

Before my husband proposed, my brother and I were waiting for him in my car and I opened the glove box for something and there a ring box was. I quickly shut the glove box knowing full well I wasn’t supposed to see it and my brother and I never spoke of it again. My husband had planned a whole trip up to the Shenandoah Mountains (to this day I’m unsure why as I’m the last person you want to take hiking anyway, I’m about as athletic as an overweight smoker) but it was raining that day and I put up a big fight about not wanting to go, after seeing the ring box I understood why he was so persistent about going. We didn’t go and he ended up asking me in my parent’s living room in the house I grew up in. He came in, turned the movie I was watching off and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him on that rainy September day. I had a hint it was coming since I stumbled upon it, but it didn’t make that moment any less special, the moment I knew who I wanted to grow old with. That house carries a lot of memories with it and was only appropriate it hold the one that would start the rest of my life.

The night we decided we were ready for a family. It was December 10^th; I had stopped taking birth control at the beginning of the month and knew we should start trying around the 14^th because ‘normal’ people ovulate around day 14 of your cycle. We lit candles and made it romantic for our very first night of actual baby-making sex, which is much different then the “pull and pray” we’d been practicing since high school. We figured we would have good news to share the next month or so, little did we know the long emotional road that lied ahead of us, the road that ended up making us stronger, the same road that led me to being a mom.

The day I found out I was pregnant, was actually quite a surprise. It had been a 16 month wait and late periods and negative pregnancy tests were common occurrences, on a monthly basis. It was a Friday morning in late August and I was getting ready for work, I had a few pregnancy tests left over from the previous month and realized I was about three days late and thought, what the hell, I’ll probably ruin my whole Friday but the desire to pee on a stick was much needed that morning. I peed, brushed my teeth and went to throw the test in the trash but on this particular morning, 16 months of disappointment and reoccurring one pink lines, there were TWO pink lines, two dark pink lines. I kept the secret all day long because I was sure I would go home and the lines wouldn’t be there but I busted out the big guns with the digital and there is no mistaking the word “pregnant”. To this day I can still feel the excitement in my soul.

The moment I laid eyes on my beautiful baby girl, is completely unexplainable. It was a long wait, a hard labor and all of the pain went away the second I saw her. The dim lights in the room, the family anxiously waiting in the sitting area and the looks of pure admiration from my husband are etched into my being. It was 9:04 at night and as exhausted as I was after the nurses went to their stations and our families had retreated for the night, I couldn’t make myself close my eyes because if this was actually a dream, I didn’t want to wake up from it. She is the answer to my dreams and this unbelievable amount of love I have in my heart, began with her.

Loss, we all experience it. From our first pet passing to an older grandparent, death is a part of life. I was always lucky enough to not have lost many people close to me. A few great grandparents when I was little and a couple grandparents as I got older, you hear of people losing close ones on the news all the time and I was always really naive to it because I had never experienced the loss of someone I was really close to. It was a beautiful October day, we had spent the day at the pumpkin patch picking out the perfect pumpkins to carve. My friend TJ and I had texted back and forth a few times laughing about the night before when we all went out for drinks, he was anxious about turning 21 in a few days, the last text he sent was “all hell will break loose when I’m 21!”. We went back to my brother in laws house for pizza and I had just heard that TJ was in an accident, so I called his mom and the only thing she said was “He’s not breathing Stac, he’s not breathing”. These words haunt me to this day. I sat down, I couldn’t eat and we were in a house full of people and I’m not sure I was even able to breathe for the next 23 minutes. They were transporting him to Mary Washington Trauma where my sister in law was a nurse at, she assured me how good the trauma team was and I reassured myself that he would be ok, they will fix him right up and we’ll go see him tomorrow. The next phone call I got was my brother on the other end, asking if I had heard, Yes, I’d heard about the accident but nothing since then. The next words I heard made my knees weak, “He’s gone”. The days following were a blur, we celebrated his birthday best we could at his parent’s house with all his friends, family, beer and cornole, just how he would have wanted it and his mom released 21 balloons at 9:00pm, when he was born. And he was laid to rest on the 28^th. With the one year mark being this Sunday, the 23rd, it stirs up all the pain, it stirs up all the emotions that came with not knowing the last hug or text was going to be the last one. The pain we try to subdue all year long seems to surface around this time, the pain that will always leave a dull ache in our hearts for the rest of our lives.  If there is anything anyone can learn from TJ, its he lived everyday like it was his last. He experienced life with a smile and went out riding on something he loved doing that his friend only gave him the chance to do, a street bike. I hate the sound of them, I can’t look at them but it made him happy and he died, while living. Smells, places and materials always tie us to people, they always will and through these things you’re able to heal, remember and relive. The memories though faded, will last forever and whether it’s landing your first real job, laughing over coffee with someone who will be your forever, gazing into the eyes of your baby for the first time or saying goodbye to someone on a cool fall day, these moments made you the person you are today. Breathe in each moment and never forget what, or who, made you. Reminiscing on these times, even the hard ones, will help even the most lost soul, find their way back home. Each person, each experience and every love in your life has impacted it, whether you know it or not. It’s ok to laugh, its ok to cry and its ok to hug a little harder when it’s a bad day. Utilize your friends, especially the ones whom you don’t have to say a word to, the ones that just know you need them. Embrace your family, in every conceivable manner, family is the link to our past and the bridge to our future. It is tied to places, events and history. With all these felt details, life etches itself into memory.


Miss you TJ, a little more everyday.

www.inlovingmemoryoftjmullins.weebly.com

 

8 days.

..is when my baby should be being born. My due date would have been August 12th. The nursery would be ready, the dresser would be lined with freshly laundered baby clothes, the bottles would be washed and put away and I'd be enjoying my last few days with life inside me because I know this doesn't come easy for me and I know that this pregnancy would most likely be my last. This was my first miscarriage and I know girls who miscarry on the regular, who can't carry a baby to term to save their life and I thank god everyday for at least not allowing me to get pregnant rather than getting pregnant and having it ripped away from me. I know what that feels like and I know that I couldn't handle that on a regular basis, I know my problems are small in comparison to some fertility problems but all of us infertiles share that same common thread, of wanting badly to be a mother and no matter how unrelated our journey's are, we've walked in each other's shoes, we know the path. I try to see the 'silver lining' in it all who even knows what that really means? Lily is starting pre-school in three weeks and that in itself is more expensive than daycare, so maybe we wouldn't have been able to afford a new baby, maybe I'll never know the 'silver lining' to my issues. Maybe I'm grateful for the things I don't know, that I'll never know and maybe one day, I can look back and in a moment, realize why, why things don't go as planned. The world is funny that way, things have a way of working themselves out and its a long time before you can appreciate it, accept it and see the bigger picture. I'm trying really hard to live in the now, take each day as it comes and appreciate what I have, for exactly what it is. I have an amazing support system, I really can't thank god enough for putting these few ladies in my life. Strength comes in numbers and they have proven to me month after month, that this battle I'm fighting, I'm not fighting it alone. I have a great job and though its crazy right now, there is nothing but advancement from here. I have a wonderful husband who provides and loves me and I have my reason for breathing, Lily Grace, who is turning into this very independent little girl, and its awesome. She's always been very independent, I think I fed her with a spoon for maybe a week before she decided she could do things herself. She's entering the I can pick what I want to wear stage and for the most part, I let her. I let her express herself in whatever way she wants, lately its been 'pretty dresses' and 'crazy hair' and if you know my girl, you know crazy hair. I'm learning to let go of little insignificant things like pretty bows in her hair and letting her be exactly who she is. She's starting preschool, followed by ballet and it's a little bittersweet to see her leave her babysitter that she's been going to since she was six weeks old but I'm so excited for her to be challenged, I know she'll do well. I know she'll rock that pink leotard, crazy hair and all. Part of me is inexplicably happy to see her growing up and moving forward and the other part of me is rooted to her infancy and dependency and while a mother will never fully let that go, I think I'm finding it a lot harder because the memories of late nights, baby smell and little focusing eyes though forever, are still faded. And those baby memories may be the only ones I get. Behind every infertiles eyes, there is an unseen strength. Behind every infertiles heart, is a bruised soul and behind every interfiles smile, is a silent grief and one hell of a story.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the things you think you cannot do."

It may be stormy now, but it can't rain forever.

It wasn't until this weekend that I realized my apprehensive, shy-away baby, is no more. Put on a helmet and ride a horse around? sure why not. Get the life jacket on and spend an entire day on a boat? did you even have to ask mom? A year ago, these things would have frightened her to no end, she didn't want to be out of my sight let alone giddyin' up or trolling around a lake. She's becoming her own. In her eyes, trees aren't blowing in the wind, the "trees are dancing!". She tip toes through life, walking along the edge of where water meets sand. She inspires me everyday to see life as 'trees dancing'. She is becoming this independent, I'm going places little girl and I love it. I love watching her define herself. I can't say it enough, she is really going to kick life's ass! We spent Sunday at the Delaplane Strawberry Festival with a million other people. It was Africa hot, people everywhere and strawberries were $40 but it was something to do, there were all the kids-love-this-shit games and face painting and that's what you do when you have kids, you go to these things because they have fun and if they are having fun, then life is good. You know what else was good? the $5 strawberry sundae, half ice cream, half pound cake with a huge helping of strawberries topped with whip cream. Heaven in a bowl. The whole day was worth it from that point on, even the hay ride that caused me to break out in welts, get all stuffy and sneeze 50 times. We topped off the long weekend at the Lake with my almost-sister-in-law's family. I think when you want to get away from things, you need a day at the lake. A boat, the lake, some of your favorite people and bud light, its pretty much my vision of heaven, well, with strawberry sundae's of course.

********

you know that phone call you get, the one out of the ordinary, wrong place wrong time, sucker punch in the stomach feeling call when you know something ain't right and something has to be wrong? it happened. again. I will always remember every detail of these calls, the one in October 'He's not breathing Stac, he's not breathing" followed by the longest half hour of my life before "he's gone" penetrated through my soul. And the one today, "Did you hear what happened?" followed by the same words. I hate these calls, these calls, these words spoken change your life, forever. Our crew, our "Mullins" crew is down, two. Another childhood friend, a friend who was a big part of my life growing up, a father, husband and one of the nicest people you could meet, was taken. How many times are we going to have to do this? How many times are we going to have to bury our friends? Our crew, consists of those of us who grew up on Tackett Lane, the originals. It consists of some of TJ's friends who are more family, its TJ's family and we are one fricking tough crew. We've been through some of the hardest things and together, we've prevailed. We've pulled together through these hard times, we still have 'cornhole' parties even though its never the same, we are always there for each other because we know this pain all to well. I don't know why and I may never know why these things happen and the same with the infertility, but I know god needed them, he picks only the best and when he picked TJ and Jay? oh he knew what he was doing, he knew he was getting the best. God picked our crew of people because he knew we are tough enough to handle it, he picks me on infertility because he knows I'll fight it. This 'test', this life test, oh its been anything but easy, its been damn hard but I got the chance to know some of the greatest people, they are the wonders of my world and my crew and I, we know strength like nobody else and we know the power of love and faith because without that as our foundation, we got nothing. And the day that our whole crew is reunited? oh what a day for the record books that will be.



We will miss you, Jay.



lets get it on

This is O week, I will O this week, by Thursday! That's a great thing about Clomid, you actually know when you're going to ovulate. Lot's of sex and butt propped up on a pillow this week. Don't call after 8 'cause you know what I'll be doin'!

It took one month to get the hub's s/a consult set up and is going to take another month for him to get a second appointment for the actual s/a. Seriously? There is one, ONE freaking urologist in two counties, he shares his time between the offices. I mean, I know a s/a isn't a life or death situation but has the DR ever met at crazy infertile--it is a life or death situation! Hub went in for the consult and the DR asked him if we're doing it on the right days, 14 days after my cycle. Whoa, whoa, whoa, its a good thing I wasn't there. Hey Doc, are you aware that we've been trying for 17 months? even accidents happen in that time frame, are you also aware that I'm more in tune with my cervical mucus and ovulation then could be classified as 'normal' not to mention I've never ovulated on CD14 a day in my life so yes, doctor, we are doing it on the right days. They sent him home with his good deeds cup and a number to schedule an appointment. I thought he could go in anytime, any day and drop the sample off. Wrong again. You have to make an appointment to meet with the DR, I guess he analyzes it on the spot. Problem is, analyzing hours are between 9-10AM, who's work schedule does that fit around? no one. We scheduled one for April 5th at 9:30 but we put on a 'cancelation' list, right, so they're going to call one day at 12:30 and have him do his deed in his work bathroom while Jimmy Brown takes a crap in the stall next to him? Don't see that panning out. I guess he'll just have to make up 3 hours of leave or just take 3 hours. Oh, the many sacrifices or hub's have to make, blahh!

I took a Personal Health Assessment Survey last night for our insurance company, we get a bonus for answering a bunch of useless questions, you know, the ones that you answer "Yes, everything in my life is perfect!" to. Very first question, "Are you pregnant?" Thanks questionnaire, for that. Very next question, "How is your mental state?" Well, after that first question, on a scale from 1-crazy infertile, ding ding, crazy infertile it is! Suck balls, survey! I wish they had a "was this helpful" box on the form, my answer would have been: "You know what would be helpful? Infertility coverage! Coverage so that I can make the counties next urologist!"

Been crazy cooped up all winter long so we tried a new restaurant in our town. It just opened in the fall and I was craving a little summer, it was a nice night, mild in the 60's and I needed beer and a good bbq. I loved this place, it's small and more of a bar than anything, It had about ten tables. It's right off of main street by the train station, so you can hear the train go by occasionally. They played loud country music and had a really nice 'down home' atmosphere. I was about half way through my bbq when a song came on. This was the song that was played at my dear friend's funeral. I hadn't heard this song since that awful October day we had to say goodbye. The tears came instantly as I was reminded that the last time I heard this song, was the last time I would ever see him. In the middle of the crowded restaurant, I cried. I couldn't stop. For those three minutes, it was like everything was in slow motion, the words penetrated into my soul as I recounted the final hours of his service. The hurt and pain flooded from my eyes. I know songs can do this, they connect you to a certain time, place or person in your life. I always hear certain song that remind me of places, or the song we danced to at our wedding but this, this was different. This song is directly connected to my soul. I would attach it, but I just can't. Maybe one day, but just not yet.

teeth of wisdom and a rant

I’m getting my last two wisdom teeth pulled today, dentist style. My first two hadn’t come all the way through yet but rubbed against my cheek so I went to the oral surgeon, was put under and they were removed. I’m horribly nervous about having them pulled from my face and being totally coherent. I know it’s not a big deal, my hub’s 80 year old granny just had it done but the dentist office always gives me anxiety anyway so I’m totally stressing out about it so I made my self feel better by doing a little consignment shopping (best little shop, ever: Déjà vu) ordering a pair of shoes that I’ve been wanting for awhile and going ten minutes out of my way to the nearest Starbuck’s this morning. The hub failed to share the comfort in my anxiety ridden spree but whatever, I’ll be laying there with my mouth cracked open, ipod on and dreaming about my purchases!

I feel like anybody in the history of everybody has asked when we’ll be having another baby this week, the babysitter, the bank teller, the client. I’m just going to start saying that we’ll try when Lily starts school, that gives me a two year comfort zone to play with and if it does happen before then, surprise!, a big fat magical bfp! My MIL tries to understand, she’s so naive to all the ttc stuff (wish I could be!) She knows we have ‘issues’ and that I’ve had a few procedures but still manages to call because there was a segment on the local news channel about losing weight for fertility, no matter the fact that I might be 100 pounds). Before we knew I wasn’t ovulating I was only getting like 3-4 periods a year. She laughed. Not like a little laugh, like an outright, abrupt in-yo-face laugh.  She then went on about how she’d love to only have a few periods a year, sure, its WONDERFUL having no periods and no babies, go, me! She also mentions how all her husband had to do was LOOK at her and she’d be pregnant, thanks, again for that. I don’t really like to talk to them much about it, after I found out I was pregnant with Lily, my hub told me he had told his dad we were ttc. Every time I saw his dad for the SIXTEEN months we were trying, he asked when we were having a baby, he knew, knew that we were having trouble and still asked that question every time. I know you shouldn’t hold grudges but I hold a mean one towards him for that.

I was scanning FB this morning and came across the following blog, be warned, you will cry. (http://www.kandjstaats.blogspot.com/) I cried, like and idiot in my office chair. This couple JUST lost their 4 month old baby girl for no known reason, she just stopped breathing. Suffering a loss is the most un-imaginable thing you could ever go through. I know with my loss, I never got to see or hear that baby but it was still my baby, I loved it the second those two pink lines showed up. It makes me sick to think how you could hold your baby in your arms for four months and have to lay her to rest. I pray for this family and for them to find peace.

The most appreciated things don’t come easy

The title basically sums up my life thus far.

A little background on myself, I've lived in the same area all my life. I bought a house and married my best friend when I was 19 (we'll be celebrating 7 years, this year! Hi-yo!) I know what I want, there are no 'grey' areas with me. It's black and white. We welcomed a beautiful baby girl, Lily Grace, into the world May 12, 2008 after 16 long months of TTC. She was conceived the month of my HSG procedure, you know, the one where they insert dye through your fallopian tubes to make sure they are clear. Apparently there wasn't a direct blockage but a lot of times this procedure clears the tubes of any 'debris'. She will be THREE this May, she's going to be the best big sister in the world, I want nothing more than to give her that. She inspires me every day.


After three years of trying to sell our much to small now townhouse we finally SOLD that sucker in May of 2010. The house we had a contract on was a short sale, never buy one, the name is so deceiving. It took 6 months, 6 MONTHS for us to move in, which I was told is minimal compared to what some are. Seriously? If I had to live with other people another day I would have ended up on the front page of the paper and NOT in a good way. We bounced from the townhouse , to my parents basement, to my hub's GG's and finally to our new house. Sounds exhausting, right? Not the best environments for baby-making!




I lost two grandfathers last year, within days of each other followed by the worst October of my life. With the sudden death of my dear friend TJ,who I've known my whole life, I wasn't sure how much more my heart could hurt. I don't need a stupid day or time to remind me he's gone. You know how I know? There is this hole in my heart that has been there since he left. I miss him every single day and long to find a way to survive this life, without him. Please check out his memorial page: http://www.inlovingmemoryoftjmullins.weebly.com/


AS far as baby #2 is concerned (or lack thereof of baby#2) We began 'trying but not trying' in November 09. I had my HSG procedure in May 10 and have been ovulating since June so really we've only been trying for 7 months, long months of medications, blood draws, temping/charting and heartache. I had CKC surgery in June of 2009 to remove cancerous lesions on the cervix, which can also inhibit our chances of conceiving as they 're-shape' the cervix. We met with an RE in August, I left the office feeling completely defeated. We met with the DR, a nurse and a finance lady whom all crammed a TON of information into our little brains, long story short, a simple IUI/injections cycle could help us a great deal, however it will set us back $3,000.00 PER CYCLE. Let me just crap out 3 G's and call it a day, if it were only that easy. I cried the whole way home, maybe we just weren't destined to have two children, maybe I'm not being thankful enough for the one I have. I've got a few dear friends online that ache to have just one and here I am sobbing for a second. But at the end of the day, we all share that common thread of heartache each and every month when we grieve our own silent grief.

We got a positive pregnancy test in December of 2010. Wait, we CAN do this ourselves?! What a relief! Sadly, this ended in an early miscarriage at 5weeks. Just when I thought 2010 couldn't get any worse, it did. I do believe that your life 'plan' is all mapped out before you get here, down to the people you meet. I think miscarriages are baby's whose 'plan' changes, some last minute change to the plan and that the baby will come back to you, it is yours, it just needed the plan to be perfect. This leaves us on today, Cycle day 42, 11DPO and anxiously awaiting a baby in my aching arms.