Crossroads

My Valentine's day was different this year, for the last 10 years I've spent it with my husband. I saw Lily, then went to dinner and a movie and while it was different, it also wasn't bad. I mean, the movie was. I don't know why I thought I would like a super sappy love movie, I'm a total Hangover/Stepbrothers/anything funny type of movie girl but I think knowing I would be watching Channing Tatum for two hours pulled me in. All I could do was make fun of his sweaters and then thought of what groceries I needed to get at the store. Anyway, back to my point. How can the temptation of the 'unknown' be so much greater than the steadiness of the known? How can the desire to fly on your own be greater than the security of being grounded? How can want and need be so different yet so share much of the same qualities. Figuring out need and want is a battle in itself because you can convince yourself of anything, you can make yourself believe anything. Its a balancing act, life is a balancing act. Balancing, need and desire. The need to step into your own and the desire to fall back into the normalcy of the life you created, the life that was yours. I'm not sure how long you can walk on a tightrope before you fall, and not necessarily fail, two different types of falls, known and unknown. Familiar, unfamiliar. Neither fall is easy but you can only balance on that tightrope so long, before you have to make a decision. You walk it until finding solid ground at the end or you jump. Either way you go, you can't look back. Some people can see a train wreck coming from a mile away but for some reason, I can't. I can't see it until the second it happens. Some people can see that the track is a little off course and the train will derail but to me, its all mechanics until it happens. I am so grateful for the support system I have, even the people who can see the train wreck, don't judge. They may not understand, they may not agree but they are supportive anyway. God has truly blessed me with amazing people in my life and while they may never know it, they save me too.

A quote from a blog I religiously follow hit home this morning: "You can't effectively move forward in life unless you have those moments of letting yourself feel the darker side of reality once in a while."

Maybe this is my darker side of reality. I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to prove or what it is I'm looking for or if I'll even know it when I find it. I'm focusing on my daughter, everything else falls in between. She's happy, and taken care of and getting everyone through this time of uncertainty. If I know one thing, its that time doesn't stand still and before I know it, I'll be sending her off to college in her little red bug (I'm sure that's what she'll rock!) and I also know she only has one lifetime and I only have one chance at this. I'm going to hold onto her and let her help me, guide me through this bump in my road. She saved my life when she was born and I want to make sure to save hers.

Meanwhile in the past five days there have been three pregnancy announcements on FB. THREE. Even at a point in my life where that falls by the wayside, it still hurts because I still long to be a mother again.

new hair & balls! (not to be confused with new hair on balls)



All I need is a fuckin' Bump-it!



I FEEL LIKE I'M WEARING A WIG! I (well, my sister in law) dyed my hair. Dark, super dark, OK, black. I wanted to change it up a little, I like it long but needed some sort of change and lets face it, I act on impulse. I generally don't think things through, I just do them and face the consequences and in this case, it looks like I straight up took a Halloween wig from a bag and slapped that bitch on my head. I'm hoping it will lighten with a few washes, ok I'm pretty much banking on it so I don't go around looking like Elvira for the next few months so we'll see. I Like it however, its dark, mysterious and its different. I like it.



Snookie hair



My whole focus is Lily, I mean she's been my main focus for holy shit almost 4 years now but now its, Lily, me. Since high school is either been, husband, me and then Lily, husband, me. Its hard to shift the focus on yourself. I'm busy shuffling Lily back and forth, doing things to keep her entertained and happy and when I have to focus on myself I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing! I mean I've always made time to read a good book, paint my nails, do girl shit but there was one Sunday in particular I had dropped Lily off for the evening, went and got a shower and had the entire evening to myself and I sat there on the bed because I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do when I wasn't running around. How in the hell am I supposed to figure out where I'm going in my life if I can't even figure out what to do with my alone time! I keep busy, I always have, its just how I function so when I'm forced to slow it down a little, I'm forced to do a little soul searching. I'm forced to find myself. I'm also forced to crack open that bottle of wine because when in doubt, that's just what you do. No one likes to admit failure and defeat. It's natural for people to be hesitant in owning up to failure, its an insecurity. Reality has a way of sneaking up and biting you in the ass. I was putting together a new car seat for Lily and making a list of things I still need to get from my house and my brother asked "so, you're really going to do this huh?" He wasn't contradicting, wasn't pushing one way or another and it was just a simple question that I'm still not sure I know the answer to. I can have the separation papers in front of me, the joint custody agreement drawn up and have no real emotion toward it, but its just words on paper and until its happening, I'm not sure I'll really know. That's how I am, I learn the hard way. I can't foresee things, I have to experience them to understand them. Its probably not the best quality I have, but its part of who I am.  There are some people who are not afraid to fail, not afraid to lose sight of the shore and take on the ocean because failing, beats the hell out of not trying at all.  I won't be stepped on by people whom don't try to understand. Push me and I push back. Tell me I can't do something, I will do everything to prove it wrong. No matter what path my life takes, I will not fail.

happy pills gave me balls. figuratively of course. I don't know how guys legitimately walk around with those things.

I'm finishing up my work day, taking the little to the indoor pool and having pizza with her and some favorites later while we wait anxiously for some impending snow. I am happy.

Happy weekend, bloggy friends!

Post-op, happy pills & dating

Post-op went great however I was slightly afraid that I was going to bleed to death. I didn't know you were supposed to bleed at all after the LAP but I've been bleeding for twelve days. TWELVE DAYS. Dr R didn't seem too concerned about it and said once it does stop, the next few months will be great for conceiving since he cleaned my pipes in the LAP. Oh yeah doc, about that...

I'm on happy pills. There, I said it. Big fat happy elephant out of the room. After the separation my mother was convinced that the choices I was making and whatnot where the stem of who knows what and that I should see a doctor. And hey, what do I know, maybe it could give me clarity. Or at the least help me with my ADD. or just make me more awesome. I've been on them for a full week, the doctor said it could take two fulls weeks to notice anything. I think I wake up every morning hoping to notice something, like "Unicorns are dancing on rainbows outside of my window!" BUT I'm a little more apprehensive about the side effects. I'm not tryin' to go all columbine and freak out on everyone. And I'm not trying to get fat OR lose any weight. I'm all for getting more awesome, though. I'm not clinically depressed or crazy well, I am crazy but not THAT kind of crazy but it should help me gather my thoughts, focus on them and figure out what in the hell it is that I want to do with my life.

*****

MY HUSBAND WENT ON A DATE. I have Lily Friday nights so when he dropped her off I asked what he was getting into and he was coy in saying he was going to dinner. A dinner with a chick. I relayed the message "what happens at your date, stays at your date. Except herpes, that shit comes back!" We're both entering a dating world, a world we never really experienced. We met in high school. We got married at 18. I haven't seen another penis in 10 years except in movies or pornos. (act like you were surprised) We have no idea what the hell we're doing. At some points I think we both get a little excited to experience this realm of new things, new people and places and sometimes at the end of the night when we're both laying in separate beds, in separate houses, I wonder if we're both thinking about the normalcy's of marriage that we miss. Who knows, we could be that couple that separates for six months or a year and come back to realize the grass isn't greener on the other side, its greener where you water it. And that the making it on your own, splitting time with your kid shit is crazy OR we could both find whatever it is we're looking for in someone else OR my biggest fear, I realize what I had and it be too late. I have no idea what is in store for us, I'm not sure where my journey is leading me, leading us but I'm learning if you want to live life, you have to live it free.