the road less traveled



Nope, not me.

 "I'm your biggest fan I'll follow you until you love me, papa, paparazzi" That song was all I could think about amidst the tons of people who showed up on Main Street Monday for a quick glimpse of the man himself, Clint Eastwood. I snapped a few pictures with my phone, it was really neat (who says neat? for lack of a better word) to see the crew setting up and filming in our little town. I got a few early morning errands out of the way and while in the post office the guy in front of me complained the entire time about how "our cops could be out doing other stuff, not barricading for a movie and this is delaying court" oh be serious. its a day, one day and its Clint mother effing Eastwood. Rumor has it he's staying with Robert Duvall (a Fauquier county native) and they are doing some additional filming at a barn near The Plains. It was a pretty big deal for us Fauquieriens, it put us on the map!

http://www.warrentonvirginia.org/?p=600

Today is my last day of Clomid, CD7. I usually O on CD 16 when I take it days 3-7, so I'll be gearing up for that. Same stuff as last cycle, switched the Clomid days, still doing pre-seed and EPO but not the baby aspirin. Maybe if I switch things up just a little bit each month we'll find the right combination. I'm hopeful, but too grounded to get excited yet.

“Sometimes the past is something you just can't let go of. And sometimes the past is something we'll do anything to forget. And sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present.”

 Once again, Meredith Grey knows her shit. She’s also an infertile and yes I realize she is just a character on a show but still, I heart her. Anyway, to the point...I recently had an old friend come back into my life who hasn't been a part of it for the last 10 years. We caught up about four years ago for a month and then the distance began to grow between us for reasons that took this friend a long time to accept. I don't think its right to welcome yourself in and out of my life when its convenient to you but this person was a big part of my life and its nice to see this friend at a good point in their life, too. My problem is, this friend isn't good for me. As nice as it is to have them back, I know that road we will travel on and my gut tells me to steer clear of that road. (you know, the one that's dirt, gloomy, dark, over run with vines and is as long as your eyes can see, the one that your mom tells you not to go down because no one knows whats down there, but they know it ain't good.) That road. I have to say goodbye, I know I do but I'm so sick of saying goodbye, I said it to four people last year and it is the hardest thing I've ever done. Those four people happen to be my guardian angels now but the hurt involved in saying goodbye, is the same. Sometimes we have to realize that people can stay in our hearts but not in our lives, sometimes you make up lies and try to make yourself believe them, sometimes you lay in bed trying to put the pieces together, sometimes you confide in someone to verify that your're making the right choice even when you know that you're the only one that can make that decision and sometimes, sometimes we just have to let go. Letting go, is the hardest part. Letting go of the past, of the 'what could have been', of unresolved feelings and uncertainty. And looking forward to the future and all that it brings. Seeing beyond what I can feel and trusting that I'll end up where I'm meant to be. Trusting that I am on the right road, the one that I'm supposed to be on. If I can let go, like really let go and never look back, I can be free.

happy state of mind. oh, & Clint Eastwood

Happiness. I think if we all thought of it as a state of mind, a mood, rather than a destination, people would find happiness a lot more often. It can be as simple as an ice cold cup of water waiting for you after you've made yourself run two miles. It can be as sweet as the tea you're sipping in the company of good friends. I can be as beautiful as seeing your first spring blooms popping through the mulch and feeling like its Christmas morning because you can't remember what you planted in the fall. It can be as rewarding as seeing your almost three year old doing something on her own, that you only showed her how to do, moments before. It can come in the form of a tiny pill that gives you so much hope for this month's cycle. It's random texts from people who are cheering you on from the sidelines. Its a fresh coat of paint on a wall that you've been neglecting far too long. It's pumpkin spice in the fall and a frappacino in the summer. It's dinner parties with new friends or celebrating a birthday with 13 of your favorite people and laughing so hard that you're in tears. Happiness is all around us. Live in that moment, drink it in. Happiness is a mood, so it comes and goes. Be happy, now.

On another note, that almost three year old I was talking about? Not happy. Happiness has been far from her range of emotions lately. I remember at her two year appointment, the DR asked about her behavior and such and told me that for girls, their "terrible two's" tend to happen at three. I laughed, if we make it through these two's than I  can handle threes. Clearly he went home that night and make a voo-doo doll of yours truly and pinned in right in my patience. She's a really good girl, she's always slept well, listened pretty well but here lately I'm almost positive she's the spawn of Satan. Belligerent, bossy, dramatic three's. Bad things come in three's right? If this is just the beginning then we are in for one hell of a ride. You know the mom on the news who leaves her kids at home and drives her minivan into the river? I know why she did it--Three's. Dear lord of the three's, please let me not be that mom, give me the strength to not turn into Hulk and destroy her toys, bless me with with 20 minutes of me time to partake in a nice shower or running sesh preferably a shower that does not involve me crying in the corner with cold water running because I don't want to get out or a running sesh that does not include blasting the stereo ridiculously loud to drown out the whining. With these things, I think I may make it through the three's. These things and margs.

"You've got to ask yourself one question. 'Do I feel lucky?' "Well, do ya punk?" THE Clint Eastwood is coming to our town, our little town. He will be here tomorrow, he will bring with him the most noise our town has ever heard. He's producing a movie and starring Leonardo DiCaprio (hollerrr!). The scene they are doing is located at the courthouse, 2 blocks from my work. Am I going to try and get a sneak peek you ask? Hell yeah! Our courthouse is one of the nicest courthouses, ever. It still has all of the original architecture and stadium seating. I mean, I haven't actually witnessed the courtroom and plan to never see it ever unless its in a big movie directed by Clint Eastwood. However, an auditor I work with frequents courthouses and said ours is that good. There will be many street closures and a few mad business owners but whatever, its Clint Eastwood, bitches.

and I'll find strength in pain

Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting. I fight for everything. How do some people skim through life so easily and anything I do is a challenge? I know that my trials make me who I am and make me strong but its really hard to be strong, when you just can't find the strength. I fought for Lily, I fought cancer (no, it wasn't full blown, but it will be back, it will), I fought through three deaths last year, I fought through my grandmothers diagnosis of breast cancer, my dad's deteriorating health and colon surgery and my mothers blood clots, I fought for my house, I fought for a memorial tattoo for my body, I fought for a dog and lost, I fought for my second baby in heaven and lost and I'm fighting for another baby. When do I get a chance to have something go easy for me? Maybe its just the gloomy rainy weather today, maybe its all the pregnancy announcements lately that I'm not a part of, maybe I'm one of those people who finds strength in pain. You know that saying "if its worth fighting for, then get your gloves"  But there comes a point when you've fought all you can fight and given it your best, when do you stop? When do you realize that the gloves have to come off and that you've been defeated? I'm a fighter baby, and I'm not giving up.

I have post-its for everything, I mean everything. My brain is on post-its, I should buy stock. Anyway, my post it for this morning reads " IUI Insurance, Tequila" If one doesn't work out move onto the other, right? Kidding! (well sort of, I just don't want people thinking I'm an alcoholic and send me emails regarding drinking and pregnancy, ha!) I read on a fellow blog a few months ago that there is an insurance company that covers a few states that also provides IUI insurance however, you can't let them know beforehand that you're a crazy infertile because they would classify it as a 'pre-existing condition'. I'm not sure how it works, so I sign up for IUI coverage and the same week I get my card show up at the RE's office? How do you do that without looking shady? I really don't even care as long as I can get at least one IUI cycle done for around $300. I will piss rainbows onto that 'pre-existing condition'! And as for the other part of the post-it, the hub's birthday is Saturday, we're doing dinner at Chili's with his fam and some of mine and then going to back our house for cupcakes and margaritas! He's not a drinker but I will fully partake in some birthday celebrations margs, don't judge me.

I thank god everyday for my inner circle of friends, the ones who know me to my core and send me "I Love you's" when they know my day has been overwhelming, the ones who shoot me a quick email to say they said a prayer for me last night, the ones who really care about me, amidst all that is going on in their lives, they remember. The ones who don't show sympathy, but support. The ones who care enough to give me their honest advice and opinions without worrying if it will hurt my feelings. The ones who remember my Dr's appointments and know as much about my cycle as I do. I love these girls. I love that when my week is proving to be too strong they pick me up, every time. They get me and I would have thrown in the towel by now, without them. Thank you girls, your amazing friendship does not go unnoticed. I hope that I can always be here for you, in the ways you've been here for me.

My dear friend  told me to listen to this song yesterday, it's been in his head all week and it was so appropriate, like he subconsciously knew, that I needed this.

But I guess I can live without you but without you I’ll be miserable at best.

Pre-AF spotting, the same pre-AF spotting that I get every.single.cycle. FF also changed my CH's back to CD 19, which would make me at 11DPO, just in time for my usual spotting. I don't get it, this is where the line ends for us, we have no money to do an IUI cycle, certainly no money for IVF and have to wait another month for a freaking semen analysis. Why do I ever get my hopes up?

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes to simply be human. Maybe, we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate." Meredith Grey knows her shit.

And to relish in the awesomeness that is today (can you feel the sarcasm?) my hair smells like coffee because my sorry ass mug leaked all over me and it  also marks the 5 month anniversary of TJ's death. The only thing that might make today a little better is a little GTL ('gym, tanning, laundry' for all you non-Jersey Shore Fans)  Along with girls night, running helps free my mind. I've been running and feeling good. I'm going to run and tan and sulk today. Hell, I may even go crazy and have a caffeinated diet pepsi with lunch *gasp!* and start a new month when AF does arrive, tomorrow is another day and I know all to well, it isn't promised.

 

Friday nights and fairy fly zones

Well, shit. I'm feeling out and I'm still 8 days away from AF. FF changed my CH's to CD 23, not 19. My temperatures are looking really good but the only baby making we did after I thought I O'd was on CD 23, maybe that will be enough? Next cycle (because I'm convinced there will be one) I'm not using OPK's, they always give me positives and I think I O and give up the rest of the cycle. I feel like the protocol for this cycle was perfect, so that's what we'll do next month, minus opk's!

I channel Adriana Lima

My Friday night out was oh so fabulous. Do you ever have nights that you just don't quite want to end? it was one of those nights. The bar wasn't very crowded, my coke was sweetened with a little Jack D and we could get lost in the goodness of our conversation. The hub doesn't really get girls night and why I need it. Its not about going to a bar, or staying out really late. Its about putting that red lipstick on and my bombshell bra. Its about sipping my favorite drink and talking into the wee hours of the morning about things he's tired of hearing about.  It's about channeling your inner super model and getting told you look nice by someone else hell yeah I look nice, my boobs are fabulous tonight! Its about going our for a few hours while the rest of the world sleeps to clear your mind of all the clutter that has been taking up room for the past few months. Peace out clutter, I'm free!

I'm in the beginning stages of planning Lily's THIRD birthday! All things girly down to the fairy dust, pixie punch and a pink tutu! We're having it at the local park, right down the road from us--just have to hope for no rain, its in May and we usually have really beautiful VA weather that time of year. We'll have a table to paint fairy houses and I'm sending the kids home with little pails with seeds to plant their own fairy garden (LOVE Target's $1 bins, btw). She's really into this stuff this year, the past two years I really didn't do any planning, I let Chuck E Cheese handle it so I'm excited about making this as picture perfect as she wants it. After all, she is my perfect little pixie.

having it all

its one of those spring-is-so-close-I-can-feel-it days. A windows open, spring candle flickering kind of days. I love these days. I live for these days. Today I'm craving spring. I'm craving hamburgers, hot dogs, baked beans and cold potato salad. I'm craving the smell of the grill and the sound of good friends laughter from the porch. I'm craving chalk covered baby hands and blackened feet from the driveway. Today, I will do this. All of this. This is love. I will go out tonight with one of my closest girlfriends. We will wear our skinny jeans and flip flops. We will drive with the windows down and the music loud. We'll laugh and cry and be, until 2 am. We will take off our mom hats and put on our red lipstick. We can have it all. We can put our little spring kissed, tired babies to bed and go out. Every girl deserves a night out with her girl. And we will wake up tomorrow morning, coffee in hand and make breakfast for those ready-for-the-day babies.

My temperatures have skyrocketed! This is great. I do know that I o'd, know I'm just not sure if it was CD 19 or 22. FF gave me crosshairs for CD 19, I really hope it was CD 19, we had all our bases covered for that day and actually haven't had sex since, sometimes you just really need a break.  Either way I'm really excited about my high temperatures, they looked nothing like this last month so even if we don't get pregnant this month maybe I finally figured out what works for my body. Take that, DR M. and your medical degree!

My red lipstick is calling me!

the right kind of baby

FB "Friend": We're about to go in, hope its the right kind of baby
FB "Friend": its a boy *announces name* it is.
FB "Friend": Needless to say, I'm not too thrilled but I'll love him the same.

there are so many things wrong with this post:
How can it not be the right 'kind' of baby, you're getting a baby!
What? Exclamation points of excitement aren't needed after announcing the gender OR the name?
Again, how can you not be thrilled? YOU GET TO HAVE A FREAKING BABY!

Meanwhile, my chart looks like SHIT.

motown, bitch

There's good news and bad news. I'll start with the bad.
It monsoon rained here a few days last week and the UPS guy left my $80 Sperry's in a box on my front step without ringing the doorbell. Not only leaving them out ALL night, but the box was completely soaked and the shoes were damp, good thing they were too big and I have to exchange them anyway. Fail.
It's Monday morning and I love getting Monday morning emails from my mother bitching about something I did (or didn't do). Some times I really understand why people move far, far away. Fail.

And the good...I'm almost 99% sure I DID ovulate! Yay, body! I got a positive OPK on CD 18. This time change is really messing with my temp though, I'm not sure that it has any effect on it or not, so we'll see what it does over the next few days. I had good O signs, I never get O signs. And if I must say so myself, I had fabulous CM for the swimmers to glide in! This will be a good month.

My in laws took Lily for the very first time overnight Saturday. I always knew she would do fine with them, I just took so long because in the beginning she criticized me for everything. I felt so inadequate as a mother, so as payback, I never let her watch Lily. She's gotten better about the comments as Lily has gotten older and I've gotten better about handling the "I feel bones" comments. SO, it was time. Anyway, we went out with my brother and his fiance. We went to a great little Mexican restaurant first, had our 32oz Margs and it was still early. We went to this little dive bar down the street, however it wasn't really 'happening' so I googled The Pub which was in walking distance from where we. The main part of the restaurant is a reservation only place, very expensive and  high class, none of which fit my criteria, so we thought the pub would be fine. We walked around to the the back of the building (the pub was under the restaurant) and were greeted by this Big Black wanna-be bouncer. There was no cover charge until 9:30 and it was 9, so he checked our ID's and informed to us that it was "R&B night, Motown in heah" (he meant 'here' but had this overkill country accent he was working.) He kept repeating that it was Motown night what? because we're four stand-out-like-a-sore-thumb white people we don't like Motown? Let us show you how white people do Motown, bitch. He noticed my brother's pocket knife and held onto it because they weren't allowed, unsure that he was every going to see it again, my brother handed it over and in we went. Holy shit, this is like out of a movie. It was probably the shadiest place I've ever seen in my life. This underground pub consisted of old school sex booths (I'm not even sure what those are but that's the only way I can describe them) a few random people scattered throughout, we were definitely the minority age and color wise. The floor by the bar was old Corona cartons flattened out and the only decor was a giant 500 pound buffalo head. We went to the bathroom in pairs, that kind of shady. The band was setting up so we ordered drinks and sat down. The manager came by and let us know that at 9:30 we each had to pay a $10 cover charge but if we left by 9:45 then we didn't. We chugged the sex on the beach an whipped pinnacle and got the hell out of there, pocket knife included. We left there and went home to partake in some fabulous baby making!

If I don’t get off this roller coaster, I’m gonna be sick

Today should be O day! However, I'm not entirely convinced that it is :/ My OPK yesterday was negative and it normally is until O day, the only day I ever get a complete positive is on O day but I was hoping for a better line yesterday. I guess tomorrow mornings temp will tell! I was so ready for this cycle to be it, now I'm feeling discouraged. If I have an anovulatory cycle than I'll need to go in and have another HSG done before I start ovulating again, I just got done paying off the last one, in May of last year. I'll use my last opk this afternoon when I get home. Come on body, the set up this month is perfect! If I don't get a nice fertile egg this month I'm going to punch my ovaries!

I left work a little earlier Tuesday to take Lily to a DR appointment. We get signed in and sit on the 'sick' side, I hate that side. The side with rosie cheeked kids with fluids coming out of all of their orifices. Of course Lily has to play with the giant bus in the middle of the room, along with the bodily fluid faced kids. Luckily our wait was short this time. She ended up having a mild sinus infection so we left there and went directly to the pharmacy to pick up her antibiotic. A 20 minute wait there, not so bad when there is a blood pressure machine for your kid to use as a computer! I don't care if I was getting dirty looks from the pharmacy techs, would you rather her be screaming because she can't play with it? I think not. Anyway, we finally got on the road home about and hour after normal. I was speeding, I speed. I'm not a rule follower, my husband can't cook, my kid has to pee and my list of 'to-do's when I get home is enormous. Que police car. A police car that was pacing me for god knows how long before I happened to look in my rear view to blue lights. What kind of idiot speeds with a cop right behind her? I didn't even know they could stop you for 'pacing' with you, I thought it had to be on radar. Apparently not. He politely asked if there was a reason why I was speeding. because 55 is entirely too slow, my kids bladder is the size of a walnut, my phone is dead and I'm hungry. I responded with a lame "No, there really isn't" I would have gotten three tickets: Speeding, no seat belt (yes I know, I'm horrible!) and my drivers license hasn't been updated with my new address BUT he ran out of tickets. Yes, you heard that right. The cop. ran out. of tickets. He then proceeded to follow me all the way to town, another 20 minutes away down a two lane road. I wanted to speed anyway. What was he going to do? Pull me over again? None the less, I was one lucky girl!

Well, I'm off to run a few errands, pick up some ingredients for a bangin' dessert I'm making for our friends who are coming over for pizza tonight and get a little gift for my brothers gf's birthday. We're celebrating at Pancho's with 32 oz margs. If this cycle is a failed one, at least I'll have a belly full of comfort food and maybe be de-sensitized from the margs. Or maybe I can be celebrating in my own way for my body cooperating with me.

lets get it on

This is O week, I will O this week, by Thursday! That's a great thing about Clomid, you actually know when you're going to ovulate. Lot's of sex and butt propped up on a pillow this week. Don't call after 8 'cause you know what I'll be doin'!

It took one month to get the hub's s/a consult set up and is going to take another month for him to get a second appointment for the actual s/a. Seriously? There is one, ONE freaking urologist in two counties, he shares his time between the offices. I mean, I know a s/a isn't a life or death situation but has the DR ever met at crazy infertile--it is a life or death situation! Hub went in for the consult and the DR asked him if we're doing it on the right days, 14 days after my cycle. Whoa, whoa, whoa, its a good thing I wasn't there. Hey Doc, are you aware that we've been trying for 17 months? even accidents happen in that time frame, are you also aware that I'm more in tune with my cervical mucus and ovulation then could be classified as 'normal' not to mention I've never ovulated on CD14 a day in my life so yes, doctor, we are doing it on the right days. They sent him home with his good deeds cup and a number to schedule an appointment. I thought he could go in anytime, any day and drop the sample off. Wrong again. You have to make an appointment to meet with the DR, I guess he analyzes it on the spot. Problem is, analyzing hours are between 9-10AM, who's work schedule does that fit around? no one. We scheduled one for April 5th at 9:30 but we put on a 'cancelation' list, right, so they're going to call one day at 12:30 and have him do his deed in his work bathroom while Jimmy Brown takes a crap in the stall next to him? Don't see that panning out. I guess he'll just have to make up 3 hours of leave or just take 3 hours. Oh, the many sacrifices or hub's have to make, blahh!

I took a Personal Health Assessment Survey last night for our insurance company, we get a bonus for answering a bunch of useless questions, you know, the ones that you answer "Yes, everything in my life is perfect!" to. Very first question, "Are you pregnant?" Thanks questionnaire, for that. Very next question, "How is your mental state?" Well, after that first question, on a scale from 1-crazy infertile, ding ding, crazy infertile it is! Suck balls, survey! I wish they had a "was this helpful" box on the form, my answer would have been: "You know what would be helpful? Infertility coverage! Coverage so that I can make the counties next urologist!"

Been crazy cooped up all winter long so we tried a new restaurant in our town. It just opened in the fall and I was craving a little summer, it was a nice night, mild in the 60's and I needed beer and a good bbq. I loved this place, it's small and more of a bar than anything, It had about ten tables. It's right off of main street by the train station, so you can hear the train go by occasionally. They played loud country music and had a really nice 'down home' atmosphere. I was about half way through my bbq when a song came on. This was the song that was played at my dear friend's funeral. I hadn't heard this song since that awful October day we had to say goodbye. The tears came instantly as I was reminded that the last time I heard this song, was the last time I would ever see him. In the middle of the crowded restaurant, I cried. I couldn't stop. For those three minutes, it was like everything was in slow motion, the words penetrated into my soul as I recounted the final hours of his service. The hurt and pain flooded from my eyes. I know songs can do this, they connect you to a certain time, place or person in your life. I always hear certain song that remind me of places, or the song we danced to at our wedding but this, this was different. This song is directly connected to my soul. I would attach it, but I just can't. Maybe one day, but just not yet.

misery loves me

I just looked at 132 newborn pics of a strangers kid on fb. why you ask? because I love to torture myself. I was also skimming through status updates and came across this one:
"i'm pregnant an i don't give a f*** what noboday says i'm doing this an f*** everybody for puttin me down ima give it everything i never had an everybody says i can't do it but this baby is all i have an everybody i thought cared has turned their back but f*** em ima do what i got to f*** everyone!!!!!!!!!!!"
These are the people that get pregnant. The people who don't have jobs, have boyfriends that have lots of girlfriends, can't save up enough money for a house but always have money for nails and drugs. I hate those people.

on a brighter note, I knew I loved bunnies, for the following reason:

Chinese New Year: The Year of the Rabbit Could Be Your Year to Get Pregnant

Chinese New Year has always been associated with fertility, and the start of the Year of the Rabbit (February 3, 2011 - January 22, 2012) only emphasizes the traditional connection. According to the Beijing Review, rabbits have traditionally been viewed as the “God of Fertility” in China because of their high rates of reproduction. Ever heard of the saying “reproduce like rabbits?” Rabbits have earned their stellar fertility-symbol rating because one pair can produce 18 baby bunnies during one breeding season!

I signed Lily up for swim lessons AND gymnastics! I also offered to make, like old school hand make the wedding favors for my brothers upcoming wedding. I like to think I'm pretty crafty but don't usually have an outlet for my craftiness, so I'm excited about it! I'll give you the basics of what I'm doing (since she's a reader I don't want to give it ALL away!) I'm buying the small terracotta planter pots, filling them with dirt and sunflower seeds, to represent new growth--like in their marriage. Props to the bride, I thought it was clever! I'm dolling them up but will save those details for after the bride sees them!

The three of us were on the couch last night, the TV (which is usually blaring the Backyardigans or Two and a Half Men), was off. We were all close together sharing a little piece of Lily's favorite blanket that would only stretch so far. Her curly blonde hair tickled my nose as she would lean over. The little giggles and smiles from the two of them warmed my heart in that moment like never before. It was then, that I realised that if this is what I've got, if those two are all I'm supposed to have, then I've got it all. I was up with Lily at 2:30 AM this morning, she's been on the verge of getting a cold and her body succumbed to it. Normally these awakenings are rare, she likes to sleep in her bed and rarely do I hear a peep out of her until her morning chat sessions with her baby doll so anytime she does wake up, something is wrong. I walk in and with a held back cough, wheeziness labored breathing she calmly asks to sleep in my bed. I took her downstairs, gave her some cough medicine and a nebulizer treatment. We sang songs to make it through the grueling five minute treatment and went back to sleep, in my bed. My normal awakenings with her aren't as pleasant. I stumble into her room, sleepy eyed and groggy, tell her she's fine only to wake up a half hour later to the same thing and fight with her to do her treatment. I woke up last night, like really woke up. I've been reading two blogs where families have lost their little ones but how they cherished every single second while they were here. So I stopped feeling tired and soaked up every minute of that 15 minutes with my baby at 2:30 this morning.

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