she took the leap & built her wings on the way down

 

 

I have been a TERRIBLE blogger, friends! Life has been crazy busy and it never helps that every time I sit down to write, Pinterest finds its craftastic way onto my computer. I guess I need to recap since last post, my face has healed nicely, except a few tiny scars, which in time, might fade too. And I have steered clear of all ditch jumping since!

I turned 28 in July and you'll be happy to know I did NOT go to a strip club and puke all over the stage this year! I'm growing up, I know. I did think however, that I would have my shit together by now, that I'd own the business that I got laid off from, that I'd be almost done having kids and still be married but sometimes the universe throws you a curve ball. I didn't want to wake up one morning when I was fifty feeling the same way. Sometimes you see a path, you see a path and you take it, even when you have no idea where its going. I'm 28, I'm living in my parents basement, I have a four year old, I'm divorcing my husband of seven years, every day is a battle but you know what? I feel free. I feel like me. Its been awakening. I've found calmness and comfort in people like never before. I have friends and family who understand me. Who really understand me. Its a beautiful thing (I'm aware that sounds totally gay and shit but I'm running with it because its true. and I added and shit to make it less gay) to have such amazing people in your life.

Divorce is never easy, not by any means. Its hurtful, its long, its painful, it can be costly but when your happiness outweighs all of those things, its worth it. And in time, that scar will fade as well. Its especially hard when both parties don't agree on much, especially when your spouse is still hurt. No, leaving wasn't easy, picking up the pieces wasn't easy, starting over isn't easy but I'm the only one that can be the hero of my own story. Heroes do what needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I still have a long time before I'm where I want to be, but I'm closer than I was. Its hard to compromise with someone who doesn't see things your way, or sees things for worse than they are and that works both ways. Its finding a center line, finding any kind of center in a world of chaos. Its patience, its work and most importantly, its hiding whatever hurt you are feeling, whatever anger you're holding onto and doing what needs to be done, for your child. You, both, are all that child has and to show her that even though things didn't work out, you are still there for her. Still fighting, for her.

Lily Grace is as mean as she is cute, your typical spitfire of a four year old. Girl's got a tude but she as smart as she can be. I find myself getting a little teary eyed thinking of her starting real school next year, thinking if she thinks how different things are or could have been but I don't dwell there too much, because this is the life she knows and, she's happy too. She has questions every now and then and I answer the best way I can and we move on, she's not dumb and would have always known if mom was happy or not. Maybe one day when she understands, she can be proud of me. Granted, I walked out on a marriage but at the same time, did what felt right in my heart. If it teaches her to follow that, to chase dreams, to think for herself, then I'll have accomplished that. And, if not, I hope she can forgive me. I had my mini-vacay with her, we went to the zoo with a dear friend, did the waterpark one day and the beach another. My ex took her to Disney World, WTF, way to top me on that one. Can you ever really top Disney World? I don't think so. None the less, she doesn't do without, she is healthy and most of all, loved. She's going to move mountains, that one.

I'm still me.

I have a boyfriend. He keeps my feet anchored to the ground, and my heart in the clouds. We all know I'm a little wild and instead of taming that wild heart of mine, he runs with it. He makes me happy without even knowing it,

I still prefer taco bell over a five course meal.

I still stop by chick fil a when the banana pudding milkshakes come out.

I still need my girls.

I'm still crazy.

and of course I still drink wine and cuss like a sailor, duh!

It takes a multitude of emotions to look back over this past year and how much has changed. My blog went from a journey for another baby to a journey of divorce. Sometimes I'm not sure if the two somehow, in some way,coincide or maybe had a part in this amongst other things but time will do its thing. And if there is one thing I know, time is one thing that doesn't change.

Rock bottom was the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. Who knows what the future holds, but I'm here now and I'm fine with it.

 

 

ditch dwelling

Lily Grace had a glorious 4th birthday, aside from me and her having to drive 30 minutes with a melting cake and a little party awkwardness. I don't know how I managed to salvage the cake, it was sliding off of the cake round, onto my passenger seat, blue icing everywhere, I was trying to hold it in place while driving, blasting the AC to try and keep it cool and Lily's in the back freaking out about how cold it is in the car. Pretty much everything I do is CHAOS. But clearly, that's just how I roll. I spent the morning and day with her so her dad got her for the night. I thought the hustle and bustle from the day was over and I could relax a little, I usually don't. I'm going, always.

 Disclaimer before you read the rest of my story: if you judge, you should probably just stop reading. Just kidding, sort of. I kind of judged myself on this one.  I went to a little get together and wandered down the road, it was dark and about 10pm. I'm walking up the side of the road texting and the next thing I remember is gasping for air in a ditch. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN!? I was about three feet down covered in stank ass swamp mud. I was out of the water but unable to get out of the ditch. Luckily, or by the grace of god rather, there was a couple on their front porch right across from where I fell. I just kept yelling help and they came over and pulled me out and walked me back up to the get together. Just a fall in swamp water in a ditch shouldn't be so bad, right? Wrong. I looked like a horror show. I made my friends get me to the shower to clean up, I was covered in mud from head to toe. I finally caught a glimpse of my face. I was wrecked. None of us could understand how such injuries could come from falling into a ditch and I remembered absolutely nothing. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance because off the three inch knot on my forehead. I was pretty loopy in the ambulance, I kept making the EMT tell me we were in a helicopter and being a good sport, he went along with it. He was just trying to keep me awake and conscious but I give him props for it. I had three gashes that had to be cleaned and fixed, they did a CT scan of my head, an xray of my elbow and ankle and diagnosed me with a concussion, which is why I couldn't remember what happened. I got discharged early that morning with some pain pills and an antibiotic. A few of us walked down to where I fell to see if we could find my shoes and phone and it was clear what happened. One of my shoes was caught under a vine, I fell face first into a metal grate by a culvert and right onto rocks. It could have been a alot worse, I could have been knocked unconscious and drowned, I could have been impaled by one of two metal rods on either side of the grate. I am thankful to be alive. It just goes to show how at any given moment, everything could change. We were walking back up and I just started crying, happy to be given another chance tears. God has bigger plans for me and after the realization that all that I have could've been taken away in and instant, I'll make sure to do whatever it is that I'm here to do.  That day happened to be Mother's Day. Happy friggin mothers day, you look like Halloween. I couldn't even see my baby that day because it literally would have scared the shit out of her. I waited two days to see her, I needed the swelling to go down some and was hoping my black eye would start to heal. She was slightly, ok more than slightly, concerned when she finally did see me, but only concerned that I was ok. "She was all, maybe you need a band aid!" I was so happy to see her, smell her, breathe her in. I very easily could have never had the chance to do that again if things went differently only a few short nights before. The only moment you are certain of having is the one you're in, breathe in each one you are gifted.

Metal grate, meet my face. Face, meet metal grate.

Halloween mask

*****
I finally grew a pair and went to the eye Dr and as expected, I needed glasses. I knew I did, especially for driving. When leaves look like squirrels and street signs have no meaning I figured it was time to go. I actually like the pair I picked out, they make me look smart, like I know what I'm talking about. And its like a whole new world. The trees have leaves. THE TREES HAVE FRIGGIN LEAVES. Its glorious.

Have a great weekend, friends!

funny how a melody sounds like a memory

Hey baby, I'm a rockstar

It’s that time again, yes, Lily Grace’s birthday. Didn’t I JUST plan a birthday party for her? Seriously. How has this year flown by so quick? From where I sit in my office I can see the hospital she was born in, it’s funny, no matter how much time ever passes, I will always remember every single detail of that day that changed my life forever. So much has changed for her over this year. It’s hard not to get super emotional this go around when thinking of it. That kid is a monster, and I mean that in the best possible way. She’s gone through things that three year olds shouldn’t. She’s felt emotions that shouldn’t be tapped into until much later in life. She is a trooper. A mf’n monster! She’ll be the first to tell you what’s on her mind, whether good or bad, whether you want to hear it or not and even if it hurts. She’s walked one of the hardest lines in life, and though the balance on that line isn’t over, she maintains perfect form while doing it. I couldn’t be more proud of her, she inspires me every day to be better. This year’s birthday theme is Tangled and we’re doing the party, together. I haven’t seen most of my husband's family since the separation and aside from one of them (who won’t even be there) I have no ill feelings, I’m actually kind of excited to see them, I know some may not feel in the excitement to see me but I’m hoping it’s not awkward for anyone. It’s about Lily, it’s her day and I think with the legion of love we all share for her, we can bypass the awkwardness for two hours. We are all entwined together forever and though the love once shared between two families may not be as strong as it once was, it’s still there and a part of our hearts will always reside a small piece for one another. Lily is a piece of all of us, which makes her so perfect and the reason I know there will be an unprecedented amount of love shown for her on her big day.

*****

"Dreams aren’t meant to be understood any more than tragedy can be averted. Life happens to us. We learn to be grateful when things are good and to count our blessing when things are bad. And the only certainty in all of it is that it all just keeps happening.” I have moments of happiness, moments of sadness, moments where I push the bruise to feel the pain. I have yet to let myself heal, I don’t know that I ever fully will, maybe when my husband finds happiness that part can begin for me, maybe when Lily’s “bad” nights are no more. I get stuck in this in between of carrying everyone’s hurt and moving forward with my own happiness but I’m ok with it. I know time does its part in healing. I know I can’t dwell on things I can’t change because life does move on, with or without you. And when I do let myself feel moments of happiness, oh it’s good. Chatting with a girlfriend, hearing “I love you momma”, fishing with your hair curled and nails done with someone who makes you momentarily forget all that you are holding on your shoulders, sitting in the sun with the greatest support system anyone could have and SUMMERTIME (ok, I’m jumping the gun on that one but with these warm days, it gets me stoked). My job is going great, these doh-doh birds had no idea what they were doing however when they hired me to work with my coworker. She is exactly like me. Frightening, right? Two of us in one office, it’s pretty much the best day of people’s lives, or so I like to think. She cusses and likes wine as much as I do. I’m trying to get the guys to paint a giant mural of our faces on the wall. I’d like a unicorn body. And maybe my normal color hair. And possibly with Justin Beiber riding me, not in a dirty way. I may or may not have been kidding about the last part. The amount of coffee I’ve had today is starting to make my wirey so the last half of this post might be random, apologies. I took Lily to a rescue zoo a few weekends ago to avoid going to the National Zoo on a Saturday. It was an hour drive and $15 for both of us to get in. It only took half an hour for us to walk through and the tiger wasn’t even there. So basically, it was a bunch of snakes, birds and random hybrids no one has ever seen. I can see that in my back yard, or at work. I made us walk around twice just to make sure we didn’t miss something glorious and then we had a picnic in the back of my car, where we discussed the dumbness of our trip. I said sorry it sucked, she said “it’s ok mom, just do better next time”. She had to go to the bathroom and I wasn’t taking her back in to use the third world country porta potty’s and assumed she just had to pee. I took her to the grass if you’re judging me right now you probably shouldn’t read any further and as she’s peeing proceeds to tell me she’s pretty sure she has to poop. Seriously, Lily? Seriously. Right there in the grass, like a dog. I can see how this story might go in a few years, “yeah, mom took me to this sucky zoo, we had cold pizza in the car then I shit in the grass” awesome memories!

Happy rainy day, bloggy friends!

The Lorax knows his shit & I made the paper!

I’m falling behind on posts, I know it’s terrible but I’ve been extremely busy (in a good way!) I got a job after just one week of being laid off, sucketh the dick of life on that one, old boss.  It’s doing what I did before but just for one company and, I love it. I see people, I like the girl I work with and I get to say fuck whenever I want because it’s just a bunch of construction guys. AND, I was in the paper after being here for 3 days, yep, we’re local celebrities here. I really wanted to stack a shit ton of papers in front of my old bosses door, ya know, to make sure she saw that I got a job and that even though she kicked me when I was down, I have too much fight in me to stay down. I would even autograph it for her.

*****

I was totally jammin’ to a newbie song on the radio, like windows down, music loud, head bobbin jammin’. I got to work and youtubed it because when I find a new song I play the shit out of it until I can no longer stand it and it was JUSTIN BEIBER. I was all omg, am I really madly in love with a Bieber song? This can’t be happening. It really happened and now I’m secretly excited for Lily to like him so I can secretly love going to his concerts. However, I sang the chorus so much that she told me to stop, that she didn’t like that song. This means I have to refrain from my obnoxious belts of “IF I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND!” for a while and let her hear the actual song herself and maybe buy her a milkshake while doing so, that way she will like him.

In all fairness, it is glorious. Do you ears a favor and listen to it.



*****

Easter was a little different this year; I celebrated with Lily on Saturday doing all things Easter and saw her for a little on Sunday. While I know it’s still hard for her to really understand exactly what’s going on, she is adjusting better by the day. I’m trying to mend relationships with those that have fallen apart, I’m trying to work through the massacre that was January and the crazy pills that caused it, I’m looking towards the future, I’m done looking back…and to some people’s amazement, I’m standing on my own two feet. It feels good. It’s a weird feeling, I saw a thank you card that a lady friend sent my husband for flowers and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about it, but it made me glad. Glad that someone appreciates him like he should be appreciated, glad that he can and will be happy again. I want him to be happy, he deserves it. Everyone does. I know it doesn’t come that easy, I know there will be more tears shed, I know there is still a long road ahead and I know that the waiting is the hardest part but it will all be worth it in the end, things have a funny way of working out like that. You have to follow your heart, it won’t let you down. No matter what people think of your choices, only you know what you feel in your heart. You are your only judge and like the Lorax says, “those who matter, don’t mind and those who mind, don’t matter”. When you know better, you do better. You don’t have to hold yourself hostage for who you used to be or what you used to do. I haven’t made the best decisions, or considered other people’s feelings as much as I should but I’m a work in progress. I have a thriving little girl, a home with people who love me, friends who are my biggest support, a job I love and wine, of course. I am blessed.

rock bottom

Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. You've come to the edge of your darkness and feel you'll either be taught how to fly or find solid ground but you're left falling to a whole 'nother left of uncertainty. I was laid off from my nine year job. This only adds to the shitstorm 2012 has been for me. The only stable, certain thing in my life to this point was my job. I was completely blindsided last Tuesday. I came in like normal and everything was fine, I was in the middle of lunch and my boss asked to speak to me when I got a chance so I put my fork of mac 'n cheese down and walked in and sat down with a smile on my face. I could have never braced myself for what was to come next. "I've been thinking about downsizing for awhile and feel its the time in my life to terminate your employment, effective immediately" as in, get your shit and get to steppin'. "I know it may be a little shock to you but I didn't know where this was going. There is a box for your things, take the rest of the week. I will give you a great reference and pay you through Friday" Are you fucking kidding me? I know she could read the floored expression on my face because she was all "I know this is bad timing with all you have going on but its just time" I sat there, wordless because this was the very last thing I was expecting and I said "I'm sorry I have no emotion, I am just floored" I walked out back and just cried. I was supposed to take this business over, this is all I know, I've been here for nine years. I guess I was more hurt that she was shady enough to handle it the way she did. What, you've been thinking about it for awhile but you can't give someone who is like a daughter to you a little heads up? Even a week? SOMETHING? I gathered myself and went back in and was all "can we just talk for a minute?" So I sat back down and asked if it was me. Was it something I did, didn't do or could be doing? It had to be me, you don't just lay someone off like that. She confirmed it wasn't me, that it was the time in her life and it had to be done. With that being said, I went in and put my nine years worth of things in a box. As I finished packing my desk and put my keys on it I told her I was leaving, she went to give me a hug. I just left, had she come to me and gave me a "hey, I'm going to close up shop you might want to start looking around" a few weeks ago, this all would have been fine. It was literally rock bottom for me. Since January, my husband and I have been separated, I was asked to leave where I was living, moved in somewhere else. Some of my family won't even look at me and then I lose my job. The worst has to be over now, I'm so ready to breathe again. I'm ready to be proud again. I know god doesn't give you more than you can handle and I know he's giving me all of this, because it might break someone else. He knows I'm a fighter and maybe this job thing is a good thing. Maybe I will get a job with benefits, make more, who knows. I have to think of it as good or I'll drive right into that lake I was talking about! kidding! I've been pounding the pavement job searching. In the first week I filed for unemployment, made a resume because of course I didn't have one and sent out twelve of them bitches. Things are already starting to look up. I went for my first interview yesterday and while its a new business, its exactly what I do. I think it's a good match and after 60 days I'll be making more than I did and have health benefits. Its also still in the area, a few of the jobs I've applied for have been in the city and I really don't want the commute but when you need a job, a commute is the least of your worries. I've never had to worry about where I'm going to get money to pay my bills, how I'm going to make the mortgage payment so when your faced with the harsh reality of that, nothing motivates you more. There is one good thing about rock bottom, once you've hit it, it gives you hope that it can only get better from here. You have no where else to go but up. I have moments of weakness, more here lately than ever but I remember that I am strong. I remember that I have friends who pick me up, every single time. I remember that the past doesn't control your future. I will get this job and get off my knees and back onto my own two feet. I will get my own place so I can have Lily more. I will be better. Rock bottom changes you, it makes shit real, it makes you better and its all in how you look at it because just when you think it can't get any better, it can.

Not all those who wander, are lost. (and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked me)

Just when things start to level themselves out, you get a fucking black eye. Really? It looks like someone straight up punched me right in the eye, cut on the eyebrow and all. I need a cool story other than what really happened, so I figure I'll go with Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked me. OR it was a crack drug deal gone wrong too soon? Actually, its entirely because I'm short. I was reaching for the mac&cheese on the very top shelf, next to a giant can of beans. Beans fell, busted me IN THE FACE and blood started pouring out. So, yeah. Chuck Norris kicking me is far better than a can of pork and beans attacking me. C'mon life, give a girl a break!

*****

I took the little to see The Lorax Sunday, it was actually pretty cute. It was a nice day out so I was assuming most people would not be at the movie theatre, I assumed wrong. After we spent a million dollars on popcorn and Pepsi we finally made our way into the crowded theatre. I didn't want to  sit up close because that's gay, so I scanned around and found two open seats on the end about half way up, perfect. We sit down and the jackhole behind perfect said seats is all "Really?" I looked back and he's got two kids with him and apparently I sat in the seat in front of one of the kids. Its god damn movie theatre guy, and stadium seats, and I have a three year old. After giving him the stink eye I was all "Yep". I mean, I'm not a giraffe, I'm just pushing 5 feet tall and if you want a crowd less movie, just stay your ass at home. I hate the seats at this theatre, they don't recognize Lily's whole 30 pound body and anytime she sit backs, it folds her into a sandwich so anytime I take her, I spend the ENTIRE movie holding her seat down so she doesn't go batshit crazy and fall in between, passing her the 100 pound Pepsi and licking glorious popcorn butter off my fingers. We're a hot mess but we have the best time. And its these little things that will stand out for her, and for me. I love when her conversations start with "Remember that time we.." I love giving her memories and seeing her turning into this beautiful girl she is becoming, soothes my soul.

*****
I haven't been home in two months and twelve days. I know through all of this I've made a lot of people unhappy, I've broken some hearts, some bridges have been burned and I have great remorse for anyone that I've hurt however I'd much rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. It's as simple as that. Above all, I try be considerate of others feelings while staying true to myself and that's really all I can do. If people want to be a part of your life, whether it be your new one and old one or a revised one, they will be in it. Much like when you have children, some people can't accommodate your new life and so, they fall short and phase themselves out. Much like I imagine of you were to find out someone really close to you, or perhaps your child, were gay. Some people can't handle it, so they don't. Just as you make your own choices, so do others. I feel like my situation is similar to that. I was unhappy. I left my husband on a quest to find myself. To find my way back to him. Hell, to find something anything that I felt would fill whatever void was within me. The people who have chosen to leave my side are expecting failure but they should know me better than that, its just not an option. I'm stable. I haven't missed any work, my bills are paid and up to date, my baby girl is healthy, happy and gets to see both of parents, albeit separately, but equally. I have a legion of unbiased support. I am not failing and you can't build up the weak, by bringing down the strong.  And while I have moments of sadness and weakness, moments where I let myself feel words spoken and see the hurt and disappointment on faces, I also have moments that I let happiness shine through. Maybe I'm not supposed to, maybe I'm supposed to feel like shit for the rest of my life, maybe I am supposed to fail but taking the little on mommy&me dates, talking for hours over wine with a dear friend, coffee surprisingly being delivered to work and the realization that this is my life and it can be whatever I want it to be, make me happy. When your back is against the wall, I've found that this is what you do: breathe. be thankful for what you DO have. Save your strength for things you can change. Forgive the ones you can't. The best remedies are sleep and laughter, well, and wine. Do what is right in your heart, whether it makes sense, whether its right or wrong. Because people will judge you always, no matter what and you are the only one who knows what is felt in your heart. And that's all that matters.

you carry the words around with you like spare change

I stopped taking my happy pills, or as I like to refer to them, my makes me lose 10 pounds and everyone thinks I'm on crack pills. No, seriously. They made me have no appetite at all and while some people are all, "I would LOVE to be on pills that make me lose weight" hi, have you met me? That was not a healthy weight for me. People literally thought I was on drugs, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that, give me a little credit, I have an irrational fear of becoming ugly and I'm pretty sure crack would make me ugly. I also have no idea where I would buy it or what you even do with it, lick it of the rim of a wine glass? The pills also made me pretty numb to any emotion, I felt like I walked around in a cloud. So, apologies to anyone that I blankly stared at as you tried to talk to me about life choices. It was the crazy pills and probably my ADD, but mostly the pills. The DR who prescribed them, or pushed them, advised that they would more or less calm your nerves and let you get your thoughts straight but I feel it altered them and when you're going through something so important, I feel you should be in your own state of mind, an unmedicated state of mind because feeling anything, any emotion is better than feeling nothing at all. It feels good getting healthy and getting back to me. Life is challenging in itself, throw in some crazy pills and you're in for a shitstorm of events but because of these trials and challenges, your strength is tested in a multitude of ways. Its amazing the things you can overcome and how a three hour chat over a glass of wine with a girlfriend one evening can re-charge you when you felt so beaten down. A few bridges have been burned and the smoke is starting to settle and it might be a long road to begin repairing them. Words can be very hurtful and can't be taken back. Forgiven? yes but forgotten, never. Choices have consequences. Rights have wrongs but sometimes, things aren't black and white. There can be so much grey area not seen by people. The bridges can be rebuilt. The hearts can be mended, they may always be bruised, but they will heal in time. For what its worth, its never too late to be whoever you want to be. To live a life you are proud of and if you find that you're not, to have the strength to start all over again. I'm still me. The door to my life, is always open to anyone who wants to come in.

I'm off to pick up my baby girl and enjoy the company of some friends then looking forward to a quiet weekend. Happy day, friends!

Crossroads

My Valentine's day was different this year, for the last 10 years I've spent it with my husband. I saw Lily, then went to dinner and a movie and while it was different, it also wasn't bad. I mean, the movie was. I don't know why I thought I would like a super sappy love movie, I'm a total Hangover/Stepbrothers/anything funny type of movie girl but I think knowing I would be watching Channing Tatum for two hours pulled me in. All I could do was make fun of his sweaters and then thought of what groceries I needed to get at the store. Anyway, back to my point. How can the temptation of the 'unknown' be so much greater than the steadiness of the known? How can the desire to fly on your own be greater than the security of being grounded? How can want and need be so different yet so share much of the same qualities. Figuring out need and want is a battle in itself because you can convince yourself of anything, you can make yourself believe anything. Its a balancing act, life is a balancing act. Balancing, need and desire. The need to step into your own and the desire to fall back into the normalcy of the life you created, the life that was yours. I'm not sure how long you can walk on a tightrope before you fall, and not necessarily fail, two different types of falls, known and unknown. Familiar, unfamiliar. Neither fall is easy but you can only balance on that tightrope so long, before you have to make a decision. You walk it until finding solid ground at the end or you jump. Either way you go, you can't look back. Some people can see a train wreck coming from a mile away but for some reason, I can't. I can't see it until the second it happens. Some people can see that the track is a little off course and the train will derail but to me, its all mechanics until it happens. I am so grateful for the support system I have, even the people who can see the train wreck, don't judge. They may not understand, they may not agree but they are supportive anyway. God has truly blessed me with amazing people in my life and while they may never know it, they save me too.

A quote from a blog I religiously follow hit home this morning: "You can't effectively move forward in life unless you have those moments of letting yourself feel the darker side of reality once in a while."

Maybe this is my darker side of reality. I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to prove or what it is I'm looking for or if I'll even know it when I find it. I'm focusing on my daughter, everything else falls in between. She's happy, and taken care of and getting everyone through this time of uncertainty. If I know one thing, its that time doesn't stand still and before I know it, I'll be sending her off to college in her little red bug (I'm sure that's what she'll rock!) and I also know she only has one lifetime and I only have one chance at this. I'm going to hold onto her and let her help me, guide me through this bump in my road. She saved my life when she was born and I want to make sure to save hers.

Meanwhile in the past five days there have been three pregnancy announcements on FB. THREE. Even at a point in my life where that falls by the wayside, it still hurts because I still long to be a mother again.

new hair & balls! (not to be confused with new hair on balls)



All I need is a fuckin' Bump-it!



I FEEL LIKE I'M WEARING A WIG! I (well, my sister in law) dyed my hair. Dark, super dark, OK, black. I wanted to change it up a little, I like it long but needed some sort of change and lets face it, I act on impulse. I generally don't think things through, I just do them and face the consequences and in this case, it looks like I straight up took a Halloween wig from a bag and slapped that bitch on my head. I'm hoping it will lighten with a few washes, ok I'm pretty much banking on it so I don't go around looking like Elvira for the next few months so we'll see. I Like it however, its dark, mysterious and its different. I like it.



Snookie hair



My whole focus is Lily, I mean she's been my main focus for holy shit almost 4 years now but now its, Lily, me. Since high school is either been, husband, me and then Lily, husband, me. Its hard to shift the focus on yourself. I'm busy shuffling Lily back and forth, doing things to keep her entertained and happy and when I have to focus on myself I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing! I mean I've always made time to read a good book, paint my nails, do girl shit but there was one Sunday in particular I had dropped Lily off for the evening, went and got a shower and had the entire evening to myself and I sat there on the bed because I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do when I wasn't running around. How in the hell am I supposed to figure out where I'm going in my life if I can't even figure out what to do with my alone time! I keep busy, I always have, its just how I function so when I'm forced to slow it down a little, I'm forced to do a little soul searching. I'm forced to find myself. I'm also forced to crack open that bottle of wine because when in doubt, that's just what you do. No one likes to admit failure and defeat. It's natural for people to be hesitant in owning up to failure, its an insecurity. Reality has a way of sneaking up and biting you in the ass. I was putting together a new car seat for Lily and making a list of things I still need to get from my house and my brother asked "so, you're really going to do this huh?" He wasn't contradicting, wasn't pushing one way or another and it was just a simple question that I'm still not sure I know the answer to. I can have the separation papers in front of me, the joint custody agreement drawn up and have no real emotion toward it, but its just words on paper and until its happening, I'm not sure I'll really know. That's how I am, I learn the hard way. I can't foresee things, I have to experience them to understand them. Its probably not the best quality I have, but its part of who I am.  There are some people who are not afraid to fail, not afraid to lose sight of the shore and take on the ocean because failing, beats the hell out of not trying at all.  I won't be stepped on by people whom don't try to understand. Push me and I push back. Tell me I can't do something, I will do everything to prove it wrong. No matter what path my life takes, I will not fail.

happy pills gave me balls. figuratively of course. I don't know how guys legitimately walk around with those things.

I'm finishing up my work day, taking the little to the indoor pool and having pizza with her and some favorites later while we wait anxiously for some impending snow. I am happy.

Happy weekend, bloggy friends!

Post-op, happy pills & dating

Post-op went great however I was slightly afraid that I was going to bleed to death. I didn't know you were supposed to bleed at all after the LAP but I've been bleeding for twelve days. TWELVE DAYS. Dr R didn't seem too concerned about it and said once it does stop, the next few months will be great for conceiving since he cleaned my pipes in the LAP. Oh yeah doc, about that...

I'm on happy pills. There, I said it. Big fat happy elephant out of the room. After the separation my mother was convinced that the choices I was making and whatnot where the stem of who knows what and that I should see a doctor. And hey, what do I know, maybe it could give me clarity. Or at the least help me with my ADD. or just make me more awesome. I've been on them for a full week, the doctor said it could take two fulls weeks to notice anything. I think I wake up every morning hoping to notice something, like "Unicorns are dancing on rainbows outside of my window!" BUT I'm a little more apprehensive about the side effects. I'm not tryin' to go all columbine and freak out on everyone. And I'm not trying to get fat OR lose any weight. I'm all for getting more awesome, though. I'm not clinically depressed or crazy well, I am crazy but not THAT kind of crazy but it should help me gather my thoughts, focus on them and figure out what in the hell it is that I want to do with my life.

*****

MY HUSBAND WENT ON A DATE. I have Lily Friday nights so when he dropped her off I asked what he was getting into and he was coy in saying he was going to dinner. A dinner with a chick. I relayed the message "what happens at your date, stays at your date. Except herpes, that shit comes back!" We're both entering a dating world, a world we never really experienced. We met in high school. We got married at 18. I haven't seen another penis in 10 years except in movies or pornos. (act like you were surprised) We have no idea what the hell we're doing. At some points I think we both get a little excited to experience this realm of new things, new people and places and sometimes at the end of the night when we're both laying in separate beds, in separate houses, I wonder if we're both thinking about the normalcy's of marriage that we miss. Who knows, we could be that couple that separates for six months or a year and come back to realize the grass isn't greener on the other side, its greener where you water it. And that the making it on your own, splitting time with your kid shit is crazy OR we could both find whatever it is we're looking for in someone else OR my biggest fear, I realize what I had and it be too late. I have no idea what is in store for us, I'm not sure where my journey is leading me, leading us but I'm learning if you want to live life, you have to live it free.

at least my pipes are clean

Well, my vagina is still intact and the Lap went well and although I still have no clear answer as to why I can't conceive, at least I know that my shits working! It was clarity in knowing that everything on the inside looks great so its just a matter of figuring out what exactly keeps it from happening and what to do about it. My post op is scheduled in two weeks and I'm assuming Dr R. will tell me what the next step would be. I do have a valid reason to be sketched out of the you-have-no-idea-what-they-do-to-you-when-your-passed-out thought because I woke up with a slight black eye and a scratch on my forehead. How does that even happen? At least my vagina was unaltered, that's all you can hope for! The healing process has gone well, the second day was the roughest with the incision pain and cramping but overall I'm happy with how things are progressing and I'm hoping to not have a Frankenstein belly button for too much longer. I've just been taking it pretty easy and relishing in the know that I  can have another baby, its just a matter of when.

Timing is everything.

Theory of an anesthesiologist and my LAP!

I'm anxious for my LAP surgery tomorrow, however I hate being under anesthesia. My last procedure I was spread eagle, knocked out in front of god knows how many people and the last thing I remember was a nurse skimming through People magazine as I was wheeled in, I mean I thought my vagina was more exciting than that but whatevs, so I always have this weird fear of people doing things to my vagina. Even though for this surgery they are making an incision through my belly button. Even though I know no one even cares about my vagina. Even though I know they would go to jail for shit like that. Still freaks me out. I'm anxious to finally get an answer, any answer, after two years of the old doctor doing the same things over and over. I am ready for this. I am ready to know. Bring on the IV of feel-good, the magazine skimmers and the vagina peekers! Just leave out the percocet, doc. It will make me puke. Everywhere.

My brother is taking me. Mainly because he's awesome. And he already knows my inappropriate talk of vagina's. After all, we did come from the same one.


Also, I was looking at my blog statistics and the post viewed more than any other post on my blog was titled "Poked, Prodded & Dildo wanded" What.the.fuck. Just goes to show what people browsing the Internet are interested it. Buncha sickos! I guess now I know what to label posts if I really want people to see them.

Maybe I should just label all of my posts "VAGINA".

battlegrounds behind me, smoke in the trees

I'm alive.
I'm stable.
I'm trying to find a center in all of this.
And, I'm broken.
I've got an overwhelming amount of support, from friends, my family and a few people I barely know but I've also got an overwhelming amount of judgement from people whom I thought, were family. I carry the last name but in a time like this its clear, that's all that I carry. The separation was not a legal one, no documents were signed, nor was it a final decision. It was a period of time in which we were to figure out the direction of our lives, be it together or separate. I know that I'm not the only one hurting and I don't give a shit that anyone knows what I'm going through, it just can't be assumed that I'm not going through nothing. There are always two sides to stories and its fair to say, you should hear both before making an informed decision on someone. I'm faulted, I know that. I've made mistakes, I know that too but I'm also not using FB as a way to vent how you feel about 'family' That's what blogs are for, duh! I will not be pushed into a corner. Push me and I push back. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to mend broken relationships with people whom are so easy to write you off, its all good as long as your what people like that want, if not, it's like they never knew you. I will not be a silent victim and I will stay true to myself. The word cannot be taken back after spoken and the echoes of such words, will always sting clear.

I understand that these types of things would occur if parting ways was our final decision, I would be prepared for that. I understand that as my husbands family, they will stand behind him. However, I was completely blindsided and am left feeling if that part of the family could ever really re-coop from this, or will they hold a grudge? Can I ever really forget things that have been said? Can we all move on as a whole if my marriage works? My family supports us both, in whatever we decide. They will help us get through it or over it.

I'm stuck, and the treacherous waters beg to pull me under.

I've been smiling with anchors on and I'm dying to let them go

My pap came back abnormal, however there are only mild/ low-grade lesions present at this time, which is 'normal' in people who have HPV. We'll do a repeat in three months to stay on top of it but he wasn't concerned and the C-2 and C-3 cells I had in 2009 aren't present! It was much better news than I was expecting! My b/w showed I'm low on vitamin D, so he gave me a supplement for that and scheduled my LAP for January 19th! I was surprised he could get me in so fast and he says this will give us the answers we need, I'm so grateful of Dr. R, he's restoring all of my hope in TTC. Its been a long road and I know we've still got a ways to go but having faith in God, means having faith in his timing. This paragraph was written two weeks prior to a life changing event.

A bloggess I regularly follow shared a huge secret this week about self harm, and it empowered me to share mine:
A few months ago, I blogged about evaluating life, making choices and picking up the pieces and moving on. What we fail to talk about, is the aftermath. Making the 'right' choice and saying sorry are only part of the battle, the first step onto a staircase. You don't drown from falling in water, you drown from staying in there. Don't settle in a setback. I set out runnin,' talking a big game of making big life choices and sometimes I still seem to find myself treading water, just going through the slightest motions that will keep my head above water. We say sorry for a multitude of things, however there are so many levels of sorry. I'm sorry to, I'm sorry for, I'm sorry at, I'm sympathetic, we tend to throw that word around as much as Jim Bob from 19 kids and counting throws his penis around. Sometimes we mean it, sometimes we do not. Sometimes we have every intention of standing behind that "I'm sorry" and sometimes we fail to follow through. Same with making a choice, you can make a choice, but still hold onto the possibility of the choice you didn't make. You have to let go of that possibility and give the choice you made, your all. Letting go doesn't mean giving up but rather accepting that things just can't be. How many times though, can we say sorry without following through? How many "I'm sorry's" are we allotted before the significance of the word means nothing? There's no coming back when you're still carrying the past, there is no moving forward, when you're still looking back. Lucky we are, when we have it all, having our cake and eating that shit too, that is until you can't pretend anymore, when your luck runs out and you can't fake it and the lines between dreams and reality begin to blur. Reality hits you in the chest like a ton of bricks and you see the realness of something you caused on the faces of people you love, you bear the pain in your heart, as well as the pain you can feel in theirs. Its almost like when the winter wind is so fierce and cold and takes your breath away, you cant find the words and whatever words you do find, sure as hell aren't the right ones. You're left grasping, trying to form sentences that never seem to make sense, even to you. You wonder if you're really that naive in thinking you could carry this juggling act, or did you drop the ball in hopes that your decision would be made for you. Time can be your best friend, or worst enemy. It can fly by or seem to stand still. Time, you think you have a lot of it and in the scheme of life, you do. You tend to think your time is endless, or that if you just had a little more time you could figure things out, or finish that big project. Our lives revolve around a time frame, we are handed deadlines, we give ourselves deadlines and you meet them, you do whatever you can to meet that deadline. Sometimes though, you run out of time, its cut short before you've finished, before you're ready to meet that deadline and you go from spinning, to standing still. Coward, somebody lacking courage, you don't know what exactly you want, you think you do, you're not certain and you sure as shit aren't prepared to make a choice. There is no easy road, there is no easy answer and the only person who can decide the fate of so many people's lives, is yourself. A crowded street can be a quiet place when your walking alone and for all the hardest roads, we have to walk alone. You are the only person who can make you happy. You are the only one who can chose the hand played in the game of life. "She feels locked in her own life, scared of what she might lose if she moves away from who she was and she’s afraid of being free. There’s a way she knows is right and she can’t feel the things she knows and so each step she’s taking is a step of faith towards who she’ll be”

Making a 'plan' in your head and then actually having it unfold in front of your eyes are two completely different, life changing situations.You thought the scenarios out, you penciled in a future that was once in marker and then, just like and etch-a-sketch that gets shaken, all the lines and scenarios are left broken and in pieces and you are left trying to figure which pieces actually go back together, which pieces were part of a dream and which ones are real. I'm faulted, I'm stuck in treacherous water, holding on to hurt like an anchor, haunted by the ghosts of my memories and I see the people I love reaching for me at the shore and I know, at some point, they will have to stop reaching. I reflect back on 2011 and the roller coaster ride in which it was and come to the realization that I have a lot of growing to do. Mistakes do not define you, they tell you who you're not. I'm learning that the hardest thing in life is knowing which bridge to burn and which one to cross. I learned that if you want to find out where you're going, you have to get back to your roots, you have to remember where you came from and where you've been but don't reread the last chapter of your life too much, it will keep you from moving onto the next one. I learned that strength can be tested in a multitude of ways.  I'm learning that nothing is in my timing, I'm learning to let go and I'm learning that every single person you meet, is fighting a hard battle. And I'm learning that happiness, above all else, will prevail. If you're happy, everyone around you will be happy. And the main thing I've learned in all of this? Sometimes, people will take your breath away. Friends and family are the only thing holding me together right now. The support in which they provide, by some not even knowing they are doing so, is something unexplainable. I'm so grateful for the people in my life and for their help.

A quote from the bloggess I follow that really hit home, "Still broken.  Still stuck.  Still fighting.  But feeling almost weightless from having this secret lifted off my chest.  Thank you for helping me carry this."

You can't prepare yourself for a sudden impact. You can't brace yourself, it just hits you. Out of nowhere. Victims of a sudden impact are some of the hardest to treat. Its not just the collision that injures them, its everything after. My secret? My husband and I have been separated for a week. And I'm not sure where this is going.