hitting walls and getting scars, makes you who you are

I have a tendency to dwell on the past, relive moments and try to pick them apart and understand how each one molded me into the person I am. I tend to smoke the emotional crack pipe. I tend to tie smells and material things to people. I hate really floral smells or flower galleries, they all remind me of funerals and pain. Bustin' out the pumpkin spice candles to commemerate the begining of fall. The smell of coffee brewing reminds me of days when I was pregnant with Lily, that I would meet dad in the mornings before work. Vanilla Bean Frap's with extra caramel remind me of simpler days and a dear friend. Diesel trucks give me goosebumps. I am a firm believer that each person you encounter in life, is for a reason, that good things fall apart so better things can come together. I believe I find my strength in pain.  I am no longer burdened. My will, my faith and my body have been challenged but make no mistake, my heart is strong and my resolve to fight will never be broken.  Don't regret, if it's good, it wonderful. If it's bad, its experience. I know I have a tough few days, weeks, maybe months in front of me. I know I'm already on the path to a better me, a better wife and friend. I'm learning to wait out the storm with the people that mean the most to me. I'm learning just exactly who I am. I've made a mess of me, the person I've been lately ain't who I want to me, but you stay right here beside me and watch as the storm blows through, and I need you. A new me, a new chapter. Said leaf turning, starts now.

Had CD 21 blood work yesterday, er CD 28 for me because we all know how utterly awesome my ovaries are. I see a distinct shift in my chart so maybe I did ovulate this month, I should have those results today or Monday. This trip to the OB was the same as all the others--preggo's, sonograms floating around, happy smiling faces. I do my best to bury my head in my phone, even if I'm just looking at the same facebook posts over and over again, beats the hell out of looking through a pregnancy magazine. Blood work appointments are pretty fast, in and out in a couple minutes usually. When I'm leaving the office and walk out of the door back into the waiting room, where everyone stares you down for a baby bump, sometimes I pretend that the blood work was for a pregnancy test, maybe other people wonder that too, or maybe I'm just crazy. I'm not denying the fact that I'm crazy, btw. Work is still consuming my life and between the infertility and extreme loneliness, I've ditched the pretend cats and traded them for a parrot, a cool parrot named Lewis. I'm just kidding, but really, if I start talking about how Lewis shits everywhere and I'm sick of cleaning it up, for the love of god save me. It's Friday, its a gorgeous morning, one of those morning that reminds you that fall, is just around the corner. For some reason, you can't help but be happy on these mornings, even with all that's going on in life. The coffee is a little better, the sun is a little brighter and the little in the backseat welcoming the morning rays, is a little sweeter.

Sweet jesus Lewis, hold yourself together.

Bring on life, happy weekend friends!