variety, viruses & vaginas

My mood changes with the wind. My likes and dislikes differ from day to day. My favorite song skips to something different each week. Variety. I like variety except when it comes to jelly beans, I only like the pink ones in that case.There are four different beers to chose from in my refrigerator. I have three pairs of sunglasses in my car.  I live my life like my song collection. Ke$ha. Zac Brown Band. Mumford & Sons. Maybe this goes along with the lines of my problem with indecision or the fact that my parents have their routine down to the friggin' second and I have vowed never to live life like that. Maybe having variety makes it easier for me to chose. I chose to go au-natural this month, clearly the meds didn't work the past few months so like my hair today, beach hair, right out-the-ocean waves hair, natural. I get lost in the tides sometimes with all the infertility stuff and like any other part of my life, don't want 'routine' with it. I met my friend (from childhood so we're not like real tight) at the park last night and of course the "are you going to have another anytime soon?" question came up and I told her about my struggle, especially since the procedure in 2009 and she feels the need to tell me at one point in the conversation that she's isn't having ANY more and she wanted the DR to do a hysterectomy and remove her whole uterus. Seriously? you think this is an appropriate time to tell me this? Why don't you just take your fertile uterus out right now and slap me in the face with it? I would totally pick it up up off the ground and rush to the DR to see if we could recycle it in my body, by the way.  She also asked me in the same stretch of breath if her new OBGYN would laugh if her "who-ha" was shaved. WHERE do I find these people? First, I laughed, I wasn't prepared for that. Secondly, I don't know but if I were an OB I would prefer a clean cut vag, just sayin'. Lastly, there are still people who don't shave?  Clearly, I have a variety of friends, some sweet, some badass, some who tell me exactly like it is, some who are fertile and some who are all those combined. Their variety is exactly what I need in my life. I like my life, its like walking into the nail salon and having all those nail polish colors to chose from, you just stand there for five minutes looking through them, grabbing one, switching it with another and finally choosing the color for that day. I like this way of life, the options are endless and no matter which color you end up picking, its always the right one.

A computer virus wrecked my boss' computer Monday morning awesome, right? or so I thought. I left at 10:00 Monday and spent the day at home switching Lily's winter clothes out to summer (we skipped Spring here in VA) and making wedding favors for my brothers upcoming wedding, I put the goody bags (or pails!) together for Lily's birthday and had a beer at 3:00, it was a really fabulous day off. I went in Tuesday as we were told the computer should be back at 8 AM, got there on time and got a call that it would be ready that afternoon, as this is a really busy payroll week we were feeling a little nervous but what are you going to do? we can do absolutely nothing without our computers (if hers is down, mine is useless since they are networked) so I ran a few errands in town, went tanning, got a sweet tea from Chick Fil A yes friends, I refrained from the milkshake! and killed some time in the bookstore. They didn't carry two of the three books I was looking for but they did have the third, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. I found a comfy spot to sit at and let the book take me away and oh did it. Ever since losing my dear friend, I've been so interested in learning more about where he is at and what he is feeling and within the first couple chapters of this book I got this overwhelming calmness, a feeling of peace in knowing where he is. It goes on to say that every single person you meet here on earth has a purpose in your life, whether you remember them or not, whether they were just your cashier at the store or a passing glance, every person you have ever met has been for a reason. I left off there, checking my phone it was almost noon, as in afternoon so I figured I should get back to work. I didn't buy the book, I couldn't put it down but had already gotten crap from the hub about spending money tanning and running errands normally I disregard his money spending remarks because I work too you know but I figured he was right so I put it back and left. I have not stopped thinking about it since, I'm going back today to get it, I have to finish reading it, its one of those books that you can sit down at nap time and finish before the little wakes up. that good. Anyway, long story short our computer was not back until 8AM THIS morning, we had to do TWELVE payrolls in 8 hours because people ain't going to be happy if they can't get their paychecks Friday, but we did it. with the help of an extra cup of coffee and the volume on Pandora turned up a little, we kicked today's ass.

uterus vacancy. oh & a penis cake!

5dpo and I'm bleeding? WTF is this? This is the most effed up chart I've ever seen. What the hell is my body doing? I guess if I wasn't going to be preggo, AF might as well be early, as in 8 DAYS early. It doesn't make sense. It's clear I did ovulate because of the temp shift but getting AF at 5dpo? eff you body, eff you. I'm not as down as I thought I would be, I think after so long you're sense of excitment dulls. I'm up an hour before the little, sipping my CAFFEINATED cup of coffee with the CMT music channel on and this is ok, I'm going to enjoy the day, I'm going to enjoy my empty uterus by partaking in a glass o' wine later put that in your juice box and suck it, preggo's! because just like the spring flowers in my garden beds, people's uterus's are popping up all over the place! I feel like every time I log onto FB I'm greeted by someones uterus or the "my baby's growth week 8" diagram. One lady in particular has been posting these diagrams since 4 weeks, FOUR WEEKS. I have another 36 weeks of my life to read about the development of her poppy seed. I may just hit hide, ignorance is bliss, right? They should be jealous of me anyway, I'm on an infertility adventure! Maybe I'm not exactly jealous of them, I'm just jealous of their pearl-like eggs that glide ever so eloquently down their Fallopian tubes to welcome sperm with lemonade and coffee cake squares. That's how I envision their eggs, anyway. One of my best friends suggested an infertility massage or maybe its called a fertility massage since it's supposed to boost your fertile-ness? I looked up a method called the Maya Fertility Massage, where they massage your uterus to 'center' it with your body. A lot of times during pregnancy or after birth you're uterus can be off center, throwing your whole body off center at least that's what the fancy website says. I feel like a little ovary massage can't hurt, I guess I need to check out the cost because unlike the massage, that can hurt. It also has me a little worried since my last experience with a massage (full body) was probably more painful than my whole birthing experience. I said it. My masseuse had a man-like structure and hands that could choke a horse. I was seven months pregnant and went in for the prenatal massage, the hub got it for me for Christmas and they assured him that this type of massage was just for preggo's. I got to the office and to her surprise, I was pregnant. What? She had to go break down the bed to accommodate my 'condition'. I should have ran then. I got undressed and informed her I could not lie flat as I had this bowling ball in my belly that cuts off air supply to my brain if I were to lie flat. The next hour I experienced the worst beating of my life, I'm not even kidding. I don't know if she's not used to working with small framed preggo's or woman in general. It.hurt. I know she could feel me tense up every time she would come near me, like I was a frightened dog. There was no clock in there so I couldn't even count down the minutes until my beating was over. I don't know if your supposed to tip your masseuse but she sure as hell didn't get one unless you count the I'm going to wake up feeling like a mack truck just ran me over I mumbled as I walked out the door. So needless to say, I really don't want anyone beatin' up the ol' ovaries, I can punch them around a little myself.

I'm going to a dear friends bachelorette party tonight and was given the task of *drum roll please* PENIS CAKE. I get to bake a penis cake today, I'm going to jazz the balls I can say balls, right? it is my blog up with sprinkles, I'm actually really excited about my penis cake! I feel like I've been walking around with a penis all day, asking everyone is they want to see my penis...cake, if they decline, move onto the next that's how it works in real life, right?  I'm excited to go spend some time with this group of girls, we all generally have such conflicting schedules thats its hard to all be together, usually we only all get together for the Oliver's Halloween party or our annual Brad Paisley concert. We're just hanging out at her house but that's all I need in life, a good group of girlfriends, wine and a penis cake.

We've got a lot going on this weekend, which is kind of nice. The past few weekends have mainly included lying around in our PJ's all day with Nick JR on and not brushing our teeth until 4pm. That's the life I tell you what. We've got two get-togethers on Saturday to go to and of course all the Easter festivities on Sunday, Easter egg hunt with the little included! Enjoy the time you'll be spending with your family and friends, enjoy one more devilled egg, enjoy that peanut butter cup that has been calling your name all week and enjoy that story gran'ma tells every time you see her, you will miss it one day. Happy weekend friends, enjoy!

infertility adventures & a temp rise!

Oh wait, whats that I see? A temp rise! I'm either 4DPO or 1DPO, either way I'm onto the two week wait! I guess its better late than never, right? Its funny how a temperature can either make or break you. I used to take my temperature and look at the number as soon as I took it, bad idea, you could never fall back asleep because either a.) you were so mad that it wasn't what it should be or b.) you couldn't wait to get that sucker entered into fertility friend so you could actually see the awesomeness that the temperature was. I take it, the thermometer saves it and I look at it when I am up for good. This system works much better for me, especially on days that my temperature has satisfied me and has me feeling good. Other things that have me feeling good today? A hot cup of coffee from the amazing bakery two blocks from my office, delivered by the maintenance man--an older, speaks from the heart, loves to fish, genuine good person. A new bra that I spent way to much money on at Victoria's secret but it makes my boobs look good. The good leftovers for lunch awaiting me in the fridge, bbq that slow cooked all day yesterday and all the favorite fixin's that go with it. An impromptu trip to Redbox and to get ice cream on Friday evening alone--as in just my ipod, my purse and myself. An at-home pedicure for me and the little, matching piggies makes her happy. It may be Monday, but Monday is looking good.

As good as I am at trying to find the good in things one thing I'm not good at, is making decisions. I'm the most indecisive person you will ever meet. I can't make a decision on anything, ever. Its not that things aren't good enough or I spend hours stressing over things, its just I genuinely don't care and not a I'm a bitch and don't care but a whatever decision is made is fine with me don't care. I'm just really easy going, I can't ever chose the restaurant in a group of friends because I can find something from anywhere that I'll like, I like trying new places, I'll carry a shirt around Kohl's for an hour and put it back at the last minute because I finally figure I don't really need it. I'll spend half an hour choosing between the same shoe in two different colors because I can't decide which one I like more. I like it when the hub sees a road and wonders where it goes and I say "Go down it, lets see!" I.love.adventures. Adventures of any kind. Adventures in the sense of new roads or new recipes, new experiments and adventuring into the unknown mind of a three year old which, by the way, you will never understand. I love the uncertainty that comes along with it and the free feeling you get when you're on a road with nowhere you have to be and you have all the time in the world to get there. I'm really trying to use this same adventure passion and introduce it to my infertility struggle. I'm 25, I've got plenty of time to have more kids, this struggle is just another adventure, a try a few different roads until you get where you're going adventure. Its not going to be my infertility struggle anymore, its my infertility adventure. I see nothing but open roads and opportunities.

flip flops & sidewalk chalk

"It's like a storm, that cuts a path. It breaks your will, it feels like that" Infertility.sucks. And that's exactly what it feels like.  I'm finding it really hard to be down on a day like today. I still haven't gotten CH's on FF and its looking like I haven't ovulated this cycle and I don't know that I will.  This whole infertility roller coaster of a ride has me dangling at the top upside down, you know the ride that's 50 years old and wooden and every time someone gets on it, it gets stuck. I'm stuck, in limbo, hanging here at a point in this struggle in which I have no more control over. Its this 'in between' point that gets at me the most, in between either ovulating or starting a new cycle, the dreaded in between. I needed today. I can't be sad today. I just look out the window or watch my little pixie drawing on the driveway with her little curls glowing when the sun hits her just so. It is beautiful and it reminds me of all the beautiful things in my life. Its one of those days where all chores on your 'to-do' list can wait, that laundry will be there tomorrow, you have to be outside. The windows are open and the house smells spring fresh, we're finishing up our usual Friday lunch together that we ate outside today, my flowers are blooming and you can smell them inside when the windows are open, my favorite spring candle is flickering in the hallway and the ipod country playlist is on shuffle. The grass has just been cut and you can hear all the neighbors following suit. We walked to the pool knowing full and well that its not opening yet but we keep going, just in case. I can't wait to see my girls face when they finally do open the pool, pure excitement. I can't be sad today, I have so much to be thankful for, all I have to do is look around. I need these days like I need air. I'm breathing it all in, this day and this feeling won't last long. I'm going out and absorbing life and a ton of sunshine today. Today is beautiful.

My flip flops, sidewalk chalk and front porch are calling me!

running, rescheduling & regrets

It seems I haven't ovulated yet, why does this surprise me? My body rarely works with me in ovulating on time, it kind of concerns me because I did Clomid CD 3-7 and you should O between 3-9 days after the last pill--which would have been CD 16, I'm on freaking CD 21. My chart is pretty lame and consistent so maybe there is still hope for this cycle, next month will be the one year mark since my HSG. I'm not sure if I'll need to have that done again, I know I will if I stop ovulating but in the scheme of things I don't know how long the good ol' tube cleaning lasts. The hub had to reschedule his s/a (again) because of work related issues so now of course he won't be seen until May 10th, another month away. It would just be nice to get this part of the process over with and to know whether there are problems there or not, at least we would have an idea of what we're up against. So more waiting for us, whats new? We're always waiting, waiting for whats next, for the next cycle, for the blood work results, waiting for the bigger picture. I'll wait for forever for my baby. One thing I always postponed was exercising. One time I had read that in woman who 'over' exercise right, like that's possible since my jaunt from the couch to fridge is exhausting it can cause their body to stop ovulating. I was always so afraid I would shock my body into healthiness and cause it to stop ovulating again, I mean clearly my ovaries have issues as it is, I didn't want to give them any more reason to crap out on me. I had been postponing running for a year and I stopped. I stopped worrying what if, because not exercising wasn't doing much for those eggs of mine so maybe, maybe running can be a good thing. I have a hard time with boundaries anyway, I walk that thin fine line between things like I'm walking on a tightrope. So I'm running, in moderation. I'm up to 2.5 miles in 30 minutes and I feel amazing. You get to the point where your past the "I think I'm going to pass out" phase and it feels as if you could run forever, you feel free. "Running is real. It's all joy and woe, hard as diamond. It makes you weary beyond comprehension, but it also makes you FREE"

I was talking to a dear friend yesterday, this is the same friend in this post that I swore I would say goodbye to, clearly I have not done that. Don't judge, I'm enjoying catching up. I know what I should do and what I need to do I'm just needing more time. Fate brought them back into my life for a reason and for the reason, I need them. I don't know how you're supposed to just forget someone who has impacted your life so much. Anyway, with all that's going on in my life, this friend makes me feel free, just like that running free I was talking about. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not being given my baby because I can't let go or because I maybe chose the road always traveled and should have went with the one less traveled. I know god sees the bigger picture and he has a plan for me and I may have what I think is what I want but if I really wanted it, I wouldn't be second guessing it. Sometimes, sometimes change is everything. Sometimes, as much as you pray about it, you have to realize its not in your control, its never been in your control. For once, it would be nice to control something in my life. Life changes us, we face our greatest fears and we learn from our mistakes. I guess all we can do is close our eyes, take a step and hope to god we make it. What's meant to be will always find its way.

mindless happiness & infertility warriors

"I'm happy!" were the words that made my soul smile one morning this past week on the way to work. After all, isn't that all we want to hear as parents? We want healthy, growing, happy children. I love children, they have no sensors and are so pure, they speak right from their soul because that's all they know. I love their un-altered way of thinking and the way they look right past you sometimes as if they are smiling at the angels around you. They are angels among us and I never feel so close to god as when I'm in the presence of a child. The sun was just starting to rise over the mountains making her little blonde curls glow. She said "Sunshine, I missed you!" (it's been a gloomy couple of days) Sunshine makes her happy, she is me. There is nothing in the world that makes me as happy as sunshine on my shoulders. There we were, a beautiful spring morning, sun was shining, we were sharing our favorite chocolate chip muffins and singing our hearts out to The Band Perry, all was right in this world. 'Mindless happiness--not being happy because of something in particular but being happy because I'm happy.' We were happy. I like this mood I've been in all week, it looks good on me.

We're in the midst of a government furlough, or shut down and I'm starting to FREAK OUT a little. The hub is a government contractor and also the breadwinner in our family. All this means is that if he's out of work for an unknown amount of time, we may be living off of Ramen noodles for awhile. What do they expect people to do? You can't just go around and close up shop because you can't come to an agreement. We are people, we have houses, cars, lives and we need you, government, to be there. Our soldiers are out on the front line defending our freedom, what about their families? This makes me think of all the people that lost their jobs at the beginning of the foreclosure crisis, I feel for them. The stress and worry that comes along with wondering how you can provide for your family without a job. I know he will go back to work but the days to come that he is essentially jobless makes this cold world all too unwelcoming and real.

Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. April is Infertility Awareness Month. Whether a friend, a family member, or you, yourself have fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of women are fighting day in & day out. Post this as your status (on fb) if YOU or someone you know has walked through hell & back just for the slightest chance to be a MOM. After all, we'd all do anything for our children, unborn or born. We will fight until we can't fight anymore. To all my infertility girls, we know pain and disapointment like no other, but we also know strength like no other. We bruise our bellies with shots, we're stuck with needles multiples times a week, we have more people hovering around our vag than we'd like, we've experienced loss, we've recovered from loss, we set our alarm clocks every single day to take our temperature, we suffer through hulk-like side effects from new medications, we put on big fakes smiles at other people's baby showers, we put a band-aid over the hole in our soul, hoping it will help mend the pain, we are strong.

when the days start gettin' warmer and the sun starts sinkin' slower

I 'let go' this month, of my pregnancy 'plan'. I haven't been keeping exact track of my cycle days or my CM, we haven't been having scheduled sex that always turns out off schedule anyway. I've been charting still, of course to confirm O and taking my prenatals. I've been pretty relaxed this month and keeping busy with other things. I let go and let god take over this month and couldn't be any happier with my choice. I should O Sunday (ish) time frame and we will go from there. I'm content right now, I've been running and tanning and eating banana pudding milkshakes (OMG try one, I promise you will not regret it!) from Chick-Fil-A on spring days, I'm feeling good and I'm happy for the months to come.

Fairy-Princess party planning is in full force! Invitations have been made an will be sent out next week followed by a trip to the party store to get all the party must-have's! Marilyn ( The best cake lady, ever!) is making Lily's cake again this year. She kicked ass with last year's Barney cake so I'm so excited to see what she will come up with this year. She has promised it will be "blinged-out" and fit for a princess! (what more could a girl ask for?) I bought 'fairy dust' (glitter) to make posters that say "Fairy Fly Zone" and "Paint a fairy house" (I bought little birdhouses at JoAnn's that are the perfect size for fairy's!) Lily is very much a part of the planning process and is excited about every single step. I don't ever remember having big 'to-do's' for my birthday as a kid, so I'm really relishing in the awesomeness that this party will be. I bought pails from the $1 Target bins, where else? that I will put flower seeds in so each kid can go home and plant their own fairy garden. Lily could not be any more excited about all of this. Seeing her light up every time we talk about it makes all of this going to a billion different stores for supplies, food preparation, and phone calls, worth it. Heck, maybe she'll even remember it to be as magical as it will be. Maybe I'm doing something right as a parent. ;)

Deck plans are also underway. Now that we got our 'second time homebuyers' tax credit we can get that sucker up! We had the final plans drawn up at the beginning of this week now its just submitting them to HOA and the town for the building permit. As much as I like HOA's for keeping people from painting their houses lime green and leaving cars on blocks in the driveway, it can be an inconvenience too, like this is my house--I will plant a tree where I want to plant a tree clearly I will not as this could incur a fine per day if you don't comply with them. We also have to have the signatures of both neighbor's beside us, don't see any problems with this so hopefully things go smoothly. We can't wait to entertain on our deck this year. These plans hold all the excitement for summer cookouts, damp little bathing suits and beach towels hanging to dry, sweet tea brewed by the goodness of the sun and the smell of the best summer food on that brand new grill the hub just got. For some reason food always tastes better when it comes off the grill, it always tastes better in the summer. As much as I like seeing the seasons change and enjoying each one (we have the best seasons in Virginia!), summer has my heart. I love digging out the beach bag from last year that still has last year's beach vacation sand in it. I love the sun and sun kissed skin, I love Brad Paisley concerts in the rain, I love the ocean breeze and the smell of the ocean salt, I love tank tops and flip flops. I love sipping wine amongst the crickets singing. I love the windows down and music up. I.love.summer.

freak flags & fist pumps

The freak flag was a flyin'at Wal-Mart today. For some reason every loud, obnoxious, rude person in the nation happened to be at my Wal-Mart at 9:30 this morning. Someone must have also forgotten to mention that it was newbie day, as in like FOUR newborns cuddled up in strollers and down every aisle I went down. I'm just bitter today, probably because I would have found out this week what our baby would have been or perhaps it was the baby dream I had last night. I never have baby dreams so after I woke up, baby fever only set in more. In the dream, it was like I was watching myself have a baby, because I went to work and came back and we had a baby. I asked my hub how everything went and if it was a boy or girl, when I was at work (in the dream) I was convinced it was a girl but he said it was a boy and he already named him. He named him Zachary Aarron Xavier. HA, I was so mad in my dream because we never discussed this name (and rest assure if we ever do have a boy this will not be his name.) and it was on the birth certificate! That's the last I remember of the dream and I woke up as if I had just held my baby, I could smell the new baby smell and feel his tiny body against mine, in my dream, I held my baby. Maybe this is a sign of things to come this month? Or maybe it was our baby that was due in August? Or at least a little hope that my baby is waiting for me. Even though the dream left me longing for my baby to be in my arms in real life, I'm glad to have had the chance to hold him in my dreams. He was perfect and I hope he knows, that I'll wait for him, forever.

if we do have another baby, I'd really like to stay home, I don't know if we'll be at a point where I can do that or not, but ultimately, I'd like to. I never had the opportunity with Lily and I don't know if I would change that or not. She loves going to the babysitter, she loves seeing her friends and it makes her happy. As hard as it is to leave her everyday, knowing that she really enjoys going, makes my decision all that easier. I like being a working mom, I like taking off the wife and mom hat for the day and replacing it with my calculator and computer. I like walking through the door to pick her up and having her run to me. Each kid is different and we all have different schedules to accommodate their needs but I'm in awe of the mutual respect working moms and SAHM's have for each other. My dear friend stays home with her kids and she said she has no idea how I do it every day, get up early, get Lily to daycare, work, come home and do all the chores and at the same time I don't know how she stays home all day, I've worked at a daycare and been responsible for 20, three year olds, I know its not a cake walk, its the best birth control a high school kid could ever have. We all do what's best for our children, we're moms, there is no great accomplishment in life. We are programmed from birth to care and nurture things, to take care of things, we are mom's. We sleep sitting up with our babe's in our lap because they are so stuffed up, we sit in the parking lot at the grocery store until they wake up because we know not to wake them, we use our shirts to wipe snot, we wipe butts with food in our mouth, 'puke' and 'poop' are used in everyday conversations and we love unconditionally. We are awesome. *fist pump!*