I get so tired staring at the walls, weights so heavy and that mountain so tall

No ovulation. WTF. Totally positive opk, massive amounts of perfectly timed BD'ing and my body fails me, as it does every month. Is it possible to gear up to O and not actually O? yes. why? WHY would your body do that. I guess I could have O'd but my temps are still kind of low and in the pre-o range so I'm guessing I didn't. I'm exhausted. The hubby is going to do his s/a on Wednesday on March 1st--he has to go in for a new patient consult since he hasn't been in 5 years and then they will schedule an analysis. We only have ONE urologist in the TWO counties we live/work in. Doesn't anyone go to school to be a urologist anymore?  I'm calling I called a new RE today to set up an appointment so we can do the IUI cycle as soon as possible. This RE is in the same area but the cost is a little better, as far as I'm concerned, the cost doesn't matter anymore.The hubby thinks otherwise, his exact words "where are you going to come up with $1,500.00?" (insert awkward silence here) I wish I had an answer. I'll do whatever I have to do to get this baby and pray that god has my back. It's hard when money controls destiny. Money will get me the IUI, not fate. I've been waiting 18 months for 'fate' to take over, get at me, fate!  Lily's getting older by the day, we wanted her and her sibling two and a half years apart (give or take), we'll be working on almost FOUR years now. I don't want her to remember a time when it was just her, I want her to have always known she grew up with a sibling. Obviously I have ZERO control over this and you can't plan things like this, well I can't anyway, my ovaries are that of an 80 year old woman apparently. The hubby's response to this "Who cares if they are four years apart?" (insert another awkward silence) I do, me. I care. No, the IUI isn't guaranteed but the chances are a HELL of a lot better. They use medication to grow nice, big follicles,  injectables to trigger ovulation and  place the best swimmers directly IN the uterus at the time of ovulation, bypassing any cervical mucus issues and any issues my cervix may have from my CKC surgery. I wish I could be as not as concerned about this as my hubby but its just not me. We're all getting older, my uterus is getting lonelier, my cervix is jacked up and maybe this is when I have to let go. If we can't afford IUI there is now way we'd ever be able to do IVF, so my only option? opk's, temping, bd'ing and praying. That's it.

The Potty Training Chronicles

Potty training, check. Yes, this kid potty trained over the weekend, she amazes me! Friday and Saturday we did the pull up/panties combo, the panties were great for letting her know she peed, the pull ups I could still do without, however they are nice on-the-go. Sunday she went commando the whole day and had NO accidents, zero! She would be playing, would realize she had to go, go to her potty, sit down and do her thing! We went to dinner that evening so obviously we had to put  a pull up on her, a little nudie probably isn't acceptable in a restaurant not to mention unsanitary. Anyway, she told me in the middle of dinner that she had to go, so we used the big, gross public restroom at Country Cookin' for the first time, and she went, she held it and went and made it home with a dry pull up! Success! I'm so excited for her, however I loved the convenience of diapers, never had to worry when we're in the back of the store with a cart full of groceries if she had to pee but whatever, that cart will be there when we're done (hopefully!) My little pixie is no longer a baby, she's a little girl.

Oh and Happy Valentine's Day!--just another infertile day for me. Hopefully, at least, I won't have to cook dinner! I will however, enjoy these delicious cupcakes and cookies my boss brought in, I may just eat them ALL!

"you'll never guess who's pregnant"

Not me.

My SIL's sister, Ms. unstable, gypsy soul, on again off again ufc wanna be boyfriend, kids are a financial burden, I don't want any" is pregnant. Seriously? seriously. Maybe I should give her lifestyle a try, ward off any future financial burdens I may have and maybe, just maybe it will happen for me. Lily was in our future financial burden's room today and we were talking about brothers and sisters and she asked where her sister is? Heaven. He/she is in heaven. In heaven with God and TJ and we need to tell them to send him/her down to us. While Ms gypsy get a surprise, unwanted baby, our much wanted, already loved baby is still in heaven, waiting for us. Yay, me. This is the infertile club, the worst club you could ever be in.

I got my positive opk on CD 21 so I o'd between then and today. Hubby and I got all our bases covered so now we're onto the TWW, the longest two weeks of every cycle. Hubby changed the brakes in my car while I painted the hallway upstairs. We had a pretty low-key day of daunting household chores and of course, more potty training. Its, going, going better than last time but with out a doubt is far from over. When she wears her big girl panties I put a waterproof pad on the couch to avoid pee soaked couches, it totally looks like a puppy pad but whatever. Panties work better than pull-ups, at least she realizes she's peed.

Tomorrow I'm making valentines cupcakes and cards with my little valentine. Followed by dinner with my family, a great way to end my weekend.

The potty training chronicles

Potty training isn't for the weak hearted. For those of you who don't know, we attempted potty training in November and it was an epic fail. I read in a magazine to put your kid in regular panties, so they can feel that they are wet and set a timer for every 5 minutes so they are sure to make some sort of 'deposit' into the toilet. Sounds pretty simple, right? Maybe if your kid is a robot! She peed on the couch, on the floor and although she didn't like it, it didn't stop her from doing it, not to mention getting a two year old to sit down anywhere for five minutes is a challenge. We tried for about two hours and switched to pull-ups, that's what they are made for, potty training. However they are pretty much diapers that 'pull-up' so she did not mind peeing in them at all, keeps her from missing her favorite episode of Barney that she's seen 150 times. She ended the two hours with "No like it!" FINE BY ME! It was awful, all the candy, praise and stickers in the world weren't going to convince her that using the potty was awesome. Her BFF at daycare, along with two other half pints are potty training now, so I figured now is the time. She was over the moon excited that her bff used the potty and she decided she's ready for pull-ups and big girl panties. I sent her in this morning with three extra pull ups and a tiny reminder to use the potty. Her bff may have just saved my life! The babysitter lines them all up to use the potty and if they use it, they get an m&m. If that's not motivation I don't know what is. I have to say that being a working mom, I do get a little extra help in the potty training area, I mean the babysitter will be stuck with most of the work Mon-Thurs. 7:30-4. I'm a little relieved because i was not looking forward to going at the task alone. Don't judge me.

I talked to my SIL (who by the way has a beautiful three month old) for the first time in about 3 weeks, we've both been busy and its been hard to catch up. She sent me a text first thing yesterday morning that says "any news?" So, is this your idea of catching up? Every time I see her, the first words out of her mouth are "any news?" just shove the knife in my gut in a little further when I have to respond with "it wasn't our month". Not to mention she asks at all the wrong times. I mean I'm not asking her to write down my menstrual cycle on her calender but obviously if I just o'd two days ago, I don't have news. Thank GOD for my inner circle friends. I've got three friends who don't ask if I have news, they don't bother me about why my ovaries aren't working, they don't send me stupid articles on losing weight for fertility. They are just there, even though they don't quite understand all the ttc stuff, they listen. They know its a struggle for me and don't look at me with sympathetic eyes. Yes, I long for a baby in my arms but I know that it will happen for me, naturally, medically, invasive--it will happen, just not on my timing and they get that. They give me the strength I need to get out of whatever slump I'm in and push through.

I think I ovulated on CD 19, two days ago! We got some seriously good BD'ing in too (like 5 days in a row good!). I should get my CH's on FF tomorrow and I'll post my chart if I do. I'm feeling a bit worn out this cycle, I'm tired. I'm tired of temping, tired of 'scheduled' sex, tired of trying so hard for something and getting nothing. I feel like all we have is 'just in case' sex, just in case I'm ovulating, just in case I haven't ovulated. My hub, of course, has no problem with any form of sex, yet, anyway.