New RE & Holiday hullabaloo

I set up an infertility consultation with a new RE for December 14th! A few things I'm excited about, THEY ACCEPT OUR INSURANCE, the DR is a dude and the practice is only 15 minutes from my work and with my tied to the office work schedule, this works out extremely well. I'm excited to hear their plan of attack and I swear to sweet baby Jesus if they want to do Clomid I will go all crazy infertile on them. To recap where I'm at: It's been two years of negative pregnancy tests. December will be one year since the miscarriage. I've been charting and seem to be ovulating, the previous RE wanted to bypass Clomid (as I've already done several unsuccessful rounds on this) and go straight to injections and IUI and then those assholes stopped taking our insurance. We are only covered for office visits and blood work but every little bit helps. I'm anxious to see how much an IUI procedure will cost at the new office. I'm hopeful and going in head high but grounded. Its the first step on a staircase of many steps but if you believe in fate, you fight for it. My gloves are on. "Without strength, there is no courage. Without pain, there is no joy. Without struggle, there is no triumph."

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The joke of "we should do Christmas dinner at Erik & Stacy's" turned into the real deal. I'm actually really excited to not unwrap presents in a quick fashion, get cleaned up, dressed and leave the house all before noon. It will be refreshing to sip my coffee until its gone, to lounge in my pj's until I absolutely must get dressed and to fill my house with family, food and the Christmas ambiance that comes with it this time of year. And the Glee Christmas CD playing in the background, of course. It also means 24 hours of A Christmas Story and that's a must. I mean I have a lot of organizing and a little planning and decorating to do but I love this shit. I'm even going to send out an e-vite because the Morrison side of the family is always last minute, no one ever knows what time or where anything is or what they're supposed to bring. It also gives me a chance to make these:

And these:

This site should come with a disclaimer noting that it will CONSUME YOUR LIFE. Its awesome. Its more awesome than awesome. It will rock your crafty world. Luckily now through the end of December is slow at work so I have pretty much 8 hours a day to browse.

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We've been trying to save money with the holiday coming up  and we really can't tell where we've been spending all of our money besides gas and groceries and my husband claims he buys nothing, he can't cut back anymore than he does, which happens to be mostly true, he really doesn't buy much. However, this is how the conversation went, husband: "where can you cut costs? How about not buying a bottle of wine anytime you go to the store?" Me: "Did you just hear yourself? THAT IS NOT AN OPTION." You know those moms who go insane, like drive into a lake insane or chop husbands penises off in their sleep insane? I'm assuming that's because their husbands tried to cut their wine allowance. I'll take that win, husband. Besides, I'm building up my cork collection and I do not think my $7 indulgence (or sanity in a glass) is breaking the bank. Also, he's never had to wake Lily up during the week, shits crazy. Also, I just bought a wine bar that will not fill itself. Also, I'm just a really big fan of it.

hide the knives, husband. HIDE THE GODDAMN KNIVES.

Maybe if everyone is caught up in the food, wine and Christmas high they won't notice our Charlie Brown tree. or that all the knives are missing.

I've got to make this life make sense

I'm thankful for the familiar things I know and for the things I'll never know. I'm thankful for my unanswered prayers, I know god has a bigger plan for me. For the raspy, silent laugh Lily does when she's laughing so hard, that the noise that comes with it just can't quite keep up. My girlfriends. You want to know how a girl survives? Look by her side. You ladies embrace my freak flag, you don't make me paint myself in black and white, or limit myself to a definition. You know I've got a few lose screws and you don't give a shit. My husband, who has shown me more about myself, than anyone. He's the toughest fighter I know. I aspire to be like him, his work ethic, his passion for family and his expectations of himself. When he loves, he loves hard and at times that leaves him vulnerable to being hurt but its never stopped him from loving. Always willing, to help, to love, to better himself. My family and how supportive they are, even in the worst of time. It's been a rough year and I've learned that if you ever need to figure out where you're going, start with where you've been and where you come from.
Being thankful comes in so many shapes and forms. For Lily, most of the time it comes in a "this is my best day!" and in that, I know she's thankful for that day, for whatever we did and who we are. For my husband and I, it usually comes in the same form. If we're excited about something or like the elements, we tend to say "that would be my best day!" Although the occasional "thank you" is nice to hear and is still important, its also important to look for the thankfulness that comes in the in-between. It's in the moments where a rake and fall leaves make the perfect jumping piles. It's at the table playing cards with dear friends, sipping wine and laughing until it actually hurts. It's watching a perfect little three year old stand in the shower with her eyes closed while the water runs down her and catching a glimpse of the beautiful woman she is going to be. It's carrying on the most important conversation about a play-doh picnic. The first fruit in the summer and the sky-pink hues in October that are as significant as the changing seasons. Letting the little 'help', which is mainly an egg stirred too fast and spilled or flour that has missed the bowl but letting her help anyway because she is willing, able and ready to learn. We tend to miss these moments, we get busy, our minds gets clouded, we lose sight of what's important. I'm thankful for the right now, the life as I'm in it at this exact moment, no more, no less.

Today is my eight year anniversary of keeper of the books. I stumbled upon this job a few months after graduating high school and who knew it would end up being such a perfect fit for me. I'm thankful to have such a steady job, that I like. I have a great relationship with my boss, my clients generally listen to me when I tell them they're spending too much and I've got a lot of 'wiggle' room. With taking things over and being an official business owner in the near future, I'm proud of this accomplishment. I'll drink to that tonight!

I'm going to surprise Lily and go to her Thanksgiving luncheon tomorrow. Work keeps me busier than I like, but with the little wiggle room I have, I'm making sure to make time for her, so she feels special, so she will always know that she comes first and will remember these times that we would do things, just for her, just because we love her. After all, she is my greatest accomplishment in life and though waking her in the mornings is much like waking the spawn of satan, she was heaven sent. I can't say it enough, she saved me from being everything I hate about myself. I'm most grateful that she's in my life and even more grateful to be her mom. Find a reason, every day, to be thankful. Toast to it, drink to it, say it to yourself, whatever it is you do, find a reason. Thankfulness and happiness go hand in hand and you are the only one who can make you happy. As you sit around your table, stuffing your faces with turkey and all the trimmings, take a minute and breathe in your surroundings. We know all to well that tomorrow isn't promised, so drink it the good stuff while you're living it.

Thank you, bloggy friends, for giving me an outlet to express myself, a way to cope with the emotional highs and lows of infertility and reading my stories on exploding pythons (of the non-penis sort). I'm able to put all that's in my head on paper and times when I don't believe in myself, you're always there to believe in me. You pretty much rock my world!

exploding pythons (and I don't mean penises!)

Baby showers are my kryptonite, especially the ones where no one knows my struggle. The mom-to-be at this particular shower is my husbands cousin. She hates being pregnant and I'm unsure she said anything positive about her whole pregnancy other than the fact that she loves eating cake for breakfast. She also prodded as to when we were going to have another and when "it's a long process for us" wasn't good enough, she came back all "you are going to have more, right?". I was nice on her and went all "we'd like to!". I should have been more "yeah, just as soon as my bitch of a cervix gets her shit together" Had I had more than one glass of wine on the way there, I'm sure it would have went more like that. act like you didn't know I needed as glass of wine before attempting said shower. And it occurred to me as I was watching swamp wars the other night and a giant python engulfed a freaking alligator like it was it's job, that's what I should have done. However, in this case the python exploded half way exposing the alligator, so the snake won in the beginning but got his, mid-snack. Lose/lose.

Karma, at its finest.

I have yet to make a consultation appointment with a new RE. I'm not exactly sure why I'm so apprehensive. I guess its the feeling of leaving the office as I did the last one, completely lost and overwhelmed. I know more than anything, I'm scared. We'll only have one shot one $2,000.00 shot mind you at this, because who knows when we'd be able to get together that kind of money to try again if this doesn't work. I mean, that is an option, the IUI not working. Sure, I'm hopeful that it will. I'm hopeful that the sperm they place right into my freaking uterus will do their job and and egg will attach and happy ending but lets be serious, this infertility shit keeps me grounded enough to know, that it might not work out like that. It might be awful and I might feel like that was my only chance for who knows how long and it just might be the last straw on this struggle that takes me to my knees. I believe I need to take the chance, invest my faith and be vulnerable to the opportunity, but that also means being vulnerable to the even greater hole this could leave in my heart. Everyone has their struggles, whether its health or family, marriage or infertility, we all fight for something. I mean look at the python for god's sake, he was fighting for food, he was hungry, saw that damn alligator and said "self, I'm gonna eat that big bitch for snack" I mean, it didn't really work out in the end but he saw that big ass alligator as no problem, just a little bump in the road and owned it. Until he exploded and all. Yes, I realize I'm reading WAY too much into the pythigator but it was totally appropriate for my post. Infertility is my alligator, I need to make it my bitch.

Also, I got my period (of course) last week, so we're onto cycle 25. CYCLE 25. Two years of negative pregnancy tests and heart breaks.  Also some more, two FB friends had babies,boys, on Monday. One of them complained every day of her pregnancy, I hope her baby has colic. Just kidding, sort of. The Duggar's also announced this week that loosey-goosey momma Duggar is three months pregnant with her 20th child, TWENTIETH! Seriously, world, do you want me to kill myself? I'm only kidding, I faint at the sight of my own blood. Besides, I bet babies pretty much just fall out of her vagina by now, and I'm pretty sure her uterus will one of these days. 20 kids will probably do that to ya, that's what you get for being greedy. Karma, Duggar, karma.

Basically, you can apply all of life to the pythigator.

pure awesomeness.

We attended both of our Halloween parties which by the way, I've come to the realization that I'm too old to dance in 4 inch heels for 6 hours. My legs, ankles and poor feet feel like I just ran a ten miler. If people start asking why I'm walking like an 80 year old, I'm pretty much going to tell them I ran a ten miler. I think it's equivalent and Lily rocked her bumble bee costume in her parade at school. We sat around the fire pit handing out candy to all the little creatures and handing the torch to the end of the year Holidays. Lily's "Dance little skeletons" and "Pumpkins on a gate" songs will be replaced with Pilgrims and sharing. Painted pine cones will decorate the kitchen table and radio will soon be filled with the hum of Christmas songs. Some people commemorate the day after Halloween as the first day to listen to Christmas music, I don't judge. Let your freak flag fly! With the holidays and all of the glorious calorific foods that come with them quickly approaching I need to start running again. Exercise is one of the easiest things to fall out of the routine of doing and also one of the hardest things to get back into. I love the way it makes me feel when I'm doing it, I love how much healthier I feel after doing it and yet still can't find the right amount of motivation to lace up the running shoes. Its hard, especially around the holidays, to find the time to take care of yourself. Its hard for a mom in general to find time for herself but to continue to be that good mom, its necessary to do these things. Pick the little up 30 minutes late so you can get the pedi you've been putting off, sit in the parking lot with your iced latte that you don't want to share, jamming to songs she can't listen to anymore because she repeats "boobies and droppin' it low". Make a coffee date with your friend for 30 minutes after work, you will never regret it. It doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you a better one.

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Grammy, has a facebook. FB is a great way to stay in touch with family, keep up with life and share your pictures without downloading only 6 per email because that's all that will fit. I even have my in laws on there and most of my aunts and cousins and such, however, they know that sometimes I fail to have a sensor. If you friend me and don't think my "Lily said boobies" or "Knock knock mother fucker" statuses are awesome, then I'm not certain where you went wrong in life or why we're friends because that's funny shit. I love my Grammy but I just don't think she's ready for me. Besides, 'friending' her is just a bridge to my mother who knows that I'm inappropriate and like wine just refuses to embrace it. Clearly, I'm far too awesome for her liking. I'm also not sure ho she'd feel about my recent status of Lily toppling over in her carseat because when my husband put it back in the car he didn't strap it down. Why, dear husband, would you just put the carseat in its appropriate place only to look like its strapped in? I drove around with her chillin' in her carseat all loosey-goosey for TWO days. Only reiterating the fact I'm not sure how the hospital let us bring home a kid! I made a sharp right turn into the gas station and she and her jet pack looking carseat attached to her rolled over onto the seat and then rolled between the back of the drivers seat and the back seat of the car. She was wedged there like a turtle who was helpless. I could not stop laughing, I'm sure no one else at the gas station thought it was comical, in fact I'm certain the ol' bitch next to me was was going to call child protective services. Lily is all freaked out with a deer in the headlights look on her face and I can't muster the energy to help her yet because I'm still laughing. I gain composure, help the girl out and strap the carseat down. Girlfriend doesn't forget stuff, so I made sure to tell her DADDY was the one who let this tragedy happen. I'll tell her this story when she's old and thinks being a bad parent is not letting her stay out past 10:00. I imagine it will go like this, "remember that one time Dad didn't strap your carseat in and you were all loosey-goosey in the backseat? Don't let that happen on your date tonight!" I'll put it as my status that day because it's awesome. I probably won't friend her on FB either.