New RE & Holiday hullabaloo

I set up an infertility consultation with a new RE for December 14th! A few things I'm excited about, THEY ACCEPT OUR INSURANCE, the DR is a dude and the practice is only 15 minutes from my work and with my tied to the office work schedule, this works out extremely well. I'm excited to hear their plan of attack and I swear to sweet baby Jesus if they want to do Clomid I will go all crazy infertile on them. To recap where I'm at: It's been two years of negative pregnancy tests. December will be one year since the miscarriage. I've been charting and seem to be ovulating, the previous RE wanted to bypass Clomid (as I've already done several unsuccessful rounds on this) and go straight to injections and IUI and then those assholes stopped taking our insurance. We are only covered for office visits and blood work but every little bit helps. I'm anxious to see how much an IUI procedure will cost at the new office. I'm hopeful and going in head high but grounded. Its the first step on a staircase of many steps but if you believe in fate, you fight for it. My gloves are on. "Without strength, there is no courage. Without pain, there is no joy. Without struggle, there is no triumph."

*****
The joke of "we should do Christmas dinner at Erik & Stacy's" turned into the real deal. I'm actually really excited to not unwrap presents in a quick fashion, get cleaned up, dressed and leave the house all before noon. It will be refreshing to sip my coffee until its gone, to lounge in my pj's until I absolutely must get dressed and to fill my house with family, food and the Christmas ambiance that comes with it this time of year. And the Glee Christmas CD playing in the background, of course. It also means 24 hours of A Christmas Story and that's a must. I mean I have a lot of organizing and a little planning and decorating to do but I love this shit. I'm even going to send out an e-vite because the Morrison side of the family is always last minute, no one ever knows what time or where anything is or what they're supposed to bring. It also gives me a chance to make these:

And these:

This site should come with a disclaimer noting that it will CONSUME YOUR LIFE. Its awesome. Its more awesome than awesome. It will rock your crafty world. Luckily now through the end of December is slow at work so I have pretty much 8 hours a day to browse.

*****

We've been trying to save money with the holiday coming up  and we really can't tell where we've been spending all of our money besides gas and groceries and my husband claims he buys nothing, he can't cut back anymore than he does, which happens to be mostly true, he really doesn't buy much. However, this is how the conversation went, husband: "where can you cut costs? How about not buying a bottle of wine anytime you go to the store?" Me: "Did you just hear yourself? THAT IS NOT AN OPTION." You know those moms who go insane, like drive into a lake insane or chop husbands penises off in their sleep insane? I'm assuming that's because their husbands tried to cut their wine allowance. I'll take that win, husband. Besides, I'm building up my cork collection and I do not think my $7 indulgence (or sanity in a glass) is breaking the bank. Also, he's never had to wake Lily up during the week, shits crazy. Also, I just bought a wine bar that will not fill itself. Also, I'm just a really big fan of it.

hide the knives, husband. HIDE THE GODDAMN KNIVES.

Maybe if everyone is caught up in the food, wine and Christmas high they won't notice our Charlie Brown tree. or that all the knives are missing.

exploding pythons (and I don't mean penises!)

Baby showers are my kryptonite, especially the ones where no one knows my struggle. The mom-to-be at this particular shower is my husbands cousin. She hates being pregnant and I'm unsure she said anything positive about her whole pregnancy other than the fact that she loves eating cake for breakfast. She also prodded as to when we were going to have another and when "it's a long process for us" wasn't good enough, she came back all "you are going to have more, right?". I was nice on her and went all "we'd like to!". I should have been more "yeah, just as soon as my bitch of a cervix gets her shit together" Had I had more than one glass of wine on the way there, I'm sure it would have went more like that. act like you didn't know I needed as glass of wine before attempting said shower. And it occurred to me as I was watching swamp wars the other night and a giant python engulfed a freaking alligator like it was it's job, that's what I should have done. However, in this case the python exploded half way exposing the alligator, so the snake won in the beginning but got his, mid-snack. Lose/lose.

Karma, at its finest.

I have yet to make a consultation appointment with a new RE. I'm not exactly sure why I'm so apprehensive. I guess its the feeling of leaving the office as I did the last one, completely lost and overwhelmed. I know more than anything, I'm scared. We'll only have one shot one $2,000.00 shot mind you at this, because who knows when we'd be able to get together that kind of money to try again if this doesn't work. I mean, that is an option, the IUI not working. Sure, I'm hopeful that it will. I'm hopeful that the sperm they place right into my freaking uterus will do their job and and egg will attach and happy ending but lets be serious, this infertility shit keeps me grounded enough to know, that it might not work out like that. It might be awful and I might feel like that was my only chance for who knows how long and it just might be the last straw on this struggle that takes me to my knees. I believe I need to take the chance, invest my faith and be vulnerable to the opportunity, but that also means being vulnerable to the even greater hole this could leave in my heart. Everyone has their struggles, whether its health or family, marriage or infertility, we all fight for something. I mean look at the python for god's sake, he was fighting for food, he was hungry, saw that damn alligator and said "self, I'm gonna eat that big bitch for snack" I mean, it didn't really work out in the end but he saw that big ass alligator as no problem, just a little bump in the road and owned it. Until he exploded and all. Yes, I realize I'm reading WAY too much into the pythigator but it was totally appropriate for my post. Infertility is my alligator, I need to make it my bitch.

Also, I got my period (of course) last week, so we're onto cycle 25. CYCLE 25. Two years of negative pregnancy tests and heart breaks.  Also some more, two FB friends had babies,boys, on Monday. One of them complained every day of her pregnancy, I hope her baby has colic. Just kidding, sort of. The Duggar's also announced this week that loosey-goosey momma Duggar is three months pregnant with her 20th child, TWENTIETH! Seriously, world, do you want me to kill myself? I'm only kidding, I faint at the sight of my own blood. Besides, I bet babies pretty much just fall out of her vagina by now, and I'm pretty sure her uterus will one of these days. 20 kids will probably do that to ya, that's what you get for being greedy. Karma, Duggar, karma.

Basically, you can apply all of life to the pythigator.

the friggin' preggo parade oh, & some real shit.

Shuttled Lily into her first ballet class, sans ballet or tap shoes so she totally rocked her first class in her DC's. It was as cute as it sounds. The little three year olds lined up in their pastel pink leotards, skirts and tights is probably them most angelic sight, ever. We waited with the parents in the waiting room while she came into her own element in class, never glancing back to see if mom and dad were there, we were of course, peeking in any change we got. Her class was to end at 5, so about a quarter till, the next age group started pouring in and along with that age group, were four pregnant moms, FOUR. I was stuck, in a tiny waiting room, with four freaking preggo's and not 'just barely showing' preggo's like, the baby's head may actually be crowing the cervix at any given moment preggo's. The freaking non pregnant to pregnant ratio was nuts, Seriously? am I being punked or some shit? Awesome. Maybe I should start drinking the water they have there, or just gouge my eyes out, since the first one I'm going to assume doesn't really work or I'd bathe in it, I'll go with the latter. WTF? I wasn't sure if I was in the wrong office, did I mistakingly end up at my OB's office? since I practically live there anyway. No, this was a freak case of the preggo parade somewhere that I least expected it. And the worst part will be, in a few weeks, all these preggo mom's will be toting in their newbies and I'll have to hear every single person "OoO" and "awww" over them. I will not be bitter. I will not be bitter. You know what would make dance class better? beer. I wish pregnancy was contagious, I would have rubbed up against all of them, in the most nonsexual way of course. The sperm would've been floatin' around that air I tell you what. Dear pregeth mothers of dance class, I hope all of your babies have big heads and you deliver vaginally. Sincerely, a skinny infertile who avoids you like the plague.

You know what preggo's can't do? Go to wine tastings with really awesome people. Be jealous preg's, be jealous. We met up at Old House Vineyards and spent some time with new friends, sitting out by the water and it was the most relaxed I've been in awhile. "Don't be afraid to fall in love. It's the only thing that matters in life. Fall in love with as many things as possible" I believe life is meant to be shared, the hard moments, the happy ones, every stage of life, every page in every chapter should be shared. We can reconnect with memories through people and each chapter has made you who you are. I believe I've been shown that people are brought into your life, exactly when you need them, whether you know it at the time or not, you are given who you need, before or after a crisis, before you're about to breakdown, before you're ready to give up, and each of these people have saved me from being everything I hate. Struggles make you strong, change makes you wise and the people I've met, are the wonders of my world. God makes no mistakes with the people you meet, with the people you fall in love with. I'm in love with wineries on Saturday afternoons with new best friends. I'm in love with sunshine on my shoulders and a really good rain. I'm in love with people. I'm in love with the smell of burning wood in the winter and sunscreen in the summer. I've found a new love in books. I'm in love with writing. I'm with love with songs that come on that take me back to a certain place, or person. I'm in love with laughter. I'm in love with with hearing 'mommy', even if its a thousand times a day, even if its being screamed. I have so much. I'm in, love.

settin' fire, to the rain

I love weddings, the new love circling the air, the happiness that ensues in watching two people about to embark on the journey that will lead them into the rest of their lives, the food, the music, the toasts and my personal favorite, open bar. Just kidding, sort of. One of my oldest friends got married Saturday, during hurricane Irene, or should I say, IN hurricane Irene. Yes, my dear friend decided come hell or high water (how appropriate) that she was getting married, outside. The cute little white chairs lined up by a gorgeous lake setting, however, we couldn't sit in them because it was raining, its ass off. Not a light sprinkle, a downpour and a rips-umbrellas-apart wind. Luckily, most of us at least came prepared with umbrellas but the poor bridesmaids, groomsmen and bride and groom, were umbrella-less. It was her day, and we all did whatever the bride wanted and froze our asses off while making her day as special as she wanted it. I don't even know why I bothered to curl my hair, it ended up messy ponytail style on the top of my head because with my hair type add in some rain and humidity and I slightly resemble a lioness--and not one with glorious locks, the straggly one in the corner who was just roughed up. Awesome.  Not even a hurricane was going to stop them from getting married and its definitely a memory they can never forget. Sometimes at weddings I daydream about how I would 're-do' my wedding. And when I say 'sometimes' I really mean every single wedding I attend. I mean I'd have the same groom and everything but I was 18 when I tied the knot and don't really remember planning any of it, I think my mother vicariously lived through me, which actually was fine because it was pretty badass but there are small things that I would have liked to have been a part of, or change. Its all water under the bridge now yes, that IS another water reference, thank you. but a grown married woman can still dream, right? I'll just live through my daughter's wedding. She will like Lillie's and hand made invitations, damn it. and open bar of course, duh.

As infertiles, we generally steer clear from baby showers at all costs. If we absolutely have to go to one, we will, but we tend to hang out around the food, shoveling it in so no one has much time to ask when we're going to have our next and when they do, we'll usually mumble something through the crunching of the carrots and pretend like someone else is calling us. Well, that's what I do anyway. I got suckered into going to a baby shower Sunday for someone I don't even know, yeah, what the hell is wrong with me? This girl is young, doesn't have much family, her boyfriend's family isn't very accepting of their 'situation' and my boss' church was having a shower for her because she literally had nothing for the baby, that is due in September. Luckily I took Lily with me, so between her 50 bathroom trips, our searches to find any cool toys in a house with grown kids and her frequent snack table trips, I managed to miss most of the "OoOo's" and "Awwwww's" of the pink clothes and cute cards. You know what would make baby showers better? beer. Anyway, I actually made it through the whole thing without one person asking when I was going to have another, may have been the best baby shower I've ever attended, I mean most of the people were well in their 70's and 80's but whatever, I can totally roll with some 70 year olds if it means they don't give a shit when or if I'm having more kids. They leave my vagina out of the conversation and think its funny when my kid announces that "barbie has a butt!" mid-present opening. I bet they'd love a nice hot tottie too, just sayin.

Yes, Lily grace, in fact, Barbie does have junk in the trunk.

oh, and I got my period yesterday. Sometimes I want to curb stomp my ovaries. And when I say sometimes I mean every time I get my period. However, this will be a good week. A little loud music, my little one and a wild berry parfait from Wendy's to commence to a new month, brushing off the last and to remember exactly what I'm fighting for. A three day weekend, a winery trip with some new friends and Lily Grace starting ballet on Thursday. The deck getting completed, pushing through the hard moments, breathing in the happy ones and living each day, exactly as it is. Ain't not period gonna rain on my parade, I tell you what.

where the sand meets the shore

Vacation was everything I expected, I'm still still shaking sand from orifices, you know that's a good time. Spent some time basking in the sun, exfoliating in the ocean and of course, partaking in Jesus juice. er, wine. And I got my rook pierced! Don't be scared--it's just part of the ear. The piercer asked my tolerance level for pain, if he only knew, a sunny-side up baby, two tattoos, losing one of the most important people in my life and unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant for almost two years, yeah, I know pain sir. Of course, I let him off easy with the, I'm scared to death of needles but can manage pain pretty well. Any factor of pain can't touch what infertiles go through everyday. I think gouging my eyes out would be more tolerable than going through all the motions each month, only to always end up with the same result. The hub knew I'd been toying with the idea of getting it done and lets face it, when I 'toy' with ideas, its basically just letting him know that I'm going to do it. He actually took it much better than expected, maybe he's finally embracing my wiggly circle. lord knows it's not easy. His take on body/image altering things is "what kind of example are you setting" for the little. The awesome thing about her, she doesn't see tattoos or piercings. She doesn't see scars, stretchmarks or blemished skin. She doesn't see wiggly circles or straight arrows. She only sees me, if only the whole world could see people the way she sees me. The example I'm setting? Be who you are. Express yourself in whatever way that makes you feel alive, live in the moment and always believe in yourself.

 I'm feeling totally overwhelmed at work, I do it to myself. I always take on too much, I always think I can do it all. I know, no moderation. I have a hard time with lines and an even harder time asking for help. I guess I like the whole superwoman feeling, that is, until my cape tears and I come crashing to the ground, only then realizing even superwoman can't do it all.  I'll take one more step into the ocean and let it consume me rather than dancing along the edge where the sand meets the shore. We all like gratitude, we feed off it. Like the little ones who do anything in their power for a little parental praise, I guess we never really grow out of that. We always like to feel appreciated, we like to 'do it all' for a little recognition. There are days when I work late, take the little to the dentist, make dinner, clean up, put the little in the bath, find a few minutes to bathe myself and maybe get to sit down for a few before bed but its all worth it when, at the dinner table, she says "good job, mom!" Yeah, there it is-- I am appreciated, even if it is by a three year old, Dora loving toddler. My mom has been under the scrutiny of her fellow co-workers who are being inundated with grandchildren. Three of which are having 'surprise' babies, one who went through two IVF cycles to conceive their first two boys and unexpectedly found out they are pregnant with a third. This person in particular wasn't too thrilled about it. Really? You spent thousands of dollars for the two you have and you got a surprise like this and you're not thrilled? At this point I would be thrilled if a alien fetus came crawling out of my body, I would totally love that little ugly alien fetus. My mom knows my issues and luckily understands how hard this is for me, so even with her coworkers 'pressuring' her about when she'll be grandma again, she knows her boundaries and knows that there is a chance, it may not happen. Appreciation comes in so many forms and no matter who we are or what we've done, we always needs a little recognition to keep pushing forward.

Yep, I could totally love it.

Our deck is slowly coming along and by slowly I mean we haven't even gotten past pouring the footers yet. The deck guy is supposed to finish next week.  My back yard has 16 giant cement filled holes in it, I just know I'm going to go to jail because someones beloved fluffy comes over and gets stuck for days before we notice. It would have been so nice to come back from vacation to a complete deck, however, I'm all for saving 3 G's. I may need it to be bailed out of jail over fluffy. My birthday is Saturday, generally I don't do much for them, don't care that I'm getting older but this year, since my uterus is still vacant and my liver is in its prime, we're lettin' the Morrison Madhouse freak flag fly and havin' a cookout. What better way to spend your day of birth? Margs, friends, littles and a sprinkler? I just put Marg's before friends, didn't I? Don't judge. We'll probably have most of the gathering in the front yard, redneck style, to avoid the falling into any of the deck holes, I may be to inebriated to notice, for days. I'm most happy in that element, my favorite people around and some Yeungling yes, I said it, I've branched out from Bud Light *pats self on back*

Happy weekend friends!

fixing all the problems in my own head

Rehearsal dinner, bagged and eaten at 9:00 pm check. Viewing and funeral services, check. Beautiful wedding & reception, check. Anniversary dinner, KFC because that's what the little wanted check. Sunflower favors, fail. I said it, FAIL. What once were glorious sprouting darlings representing new life and growth turned into wilted stems lookin' more like a graveyard representing sorrow and death, not exactly the kind of idea you were having for a freaking wedding! Luckily, a few fake sunflowers transformed my graveyard of favors into the happy, sun-shiney look we were going for. What a weekend it was. My flower girl rocked her roll in the wedding did we ever think she wouldn't shine in the spotlight? That girl makes me proud in more ways than I knew I could ever be. She also happens to be, the life of the party. Have you ever seen a three year old standing in front of a speaker dancing her heart out and singing every single word to "Bow chicka wow wow"? its pure joy. Hand motions, facial expressions and plain ol' gettin' down with her bad self. She is going places in life, she has so much determination and drive. She's not going to take 'no' for an answer, she's going to set a goal and accomplish it, I just know it. I'm proud of the family and friends that have been through so much this year and that we can pull together and be there for each other in the best and worst of times. I'm proud of my brother, his road, much like mine has been anything but easy but he's accomplished so much. I'm proud of my husband, for sticking by me, even when my wild side gets the better of me. I got a reality check, a new sister and extended family and another year under my belt of marriage this weekend. A tough weekend but also some of the most defining moments of our life.

Photography by one of my best friends, find her on facebook. (MJ Photography)

We've been 'trying without overthinking' and clearly, my ovaries haven't been doing their part in welcoming sperm with lemonade and cake squares. My chart has been 'funny' for lack of a better word because I was thinking more along the lines of fucked up for the last two months. I've had really short leutal phases, not sure what its all about or if I've even really ovulated so I'm not going to over think, I'm not going to do it. I'm enjoying summer. I'm not over thinking my chart or my needy uterus this summer. I'm going to enjoy margaritas on the deck, enjoy sweating out a hangover by the pool. I'm going to enjoy doing everything with Lily that we possibly can because just maybe, this will be her last summer as an only child. I'm going to keep running, I'm going to take time to bake with my girl and I'm going to be a better wife. I'm not going to over think anything the next couple of months because I know come September I will have to over think everything. I'm going to put my brain on reserve and live life. I wonder if that's what its like to be high? Just lettin' your brain chill. I have no desire to ever find out cause I'm not tryin to be all TV starin', snack muchin', brain cell dyin'. Natural high, high on life. Cheesy, right? Maybe its the caffeine buzz from my bakery cup o' coffee or maybe it's the new shoes I bought for the wedding that I told my husband I was going to return, which by the way, I never had any intention of returning, I'm madly in love with them. Maybe its the view I got in the rear view mirror this morning or the squeals of the little running through the sprinkler last night. Maybe, just maybe I'll swing by Chick Fil A on the way home for a much deserved milkshake. A milkshake high, I'm down for that. Faith is a funny thing, it turns up when you least expect it. Its not so important happy ever after, its just happy right now. Its about living in the moment and appreciating what you have for what it is.


Nope, not taking them back. Not going to do it.

poked, prodded & dildo-wanded

I'm in a group on one of my favorite websites, its been so helpful in my journey as these girls have been so supportive. TTC'ers of all sorts can be found here. I joined a group with two other girls who have struggled to have kids, both are a little older than me and both just finished their first round of IVF after many failed IUI's and medicated cycles and both, are pregnant. Friend one is 12 weeks along with twins and friend two just got her bfp yesterday. I'm so happy for them, they've struggled so much and can finally experience pregnancy. It's 'easier' for me to be happy for these success stories because as much as it sucks that now I'm the lone one in the group with an empty uterus, they know how painful this journey is and can really appreciate pregnancy. They were also the very first ones who knew about my bfp in December and they exuded so much happiness for me, even though their cycles were a bust and they felt as if it were never going to happen for them, they were still my biggest cheerleaders. Though our stories may be different, we've helped each other through the struggles and ups and downs and we all share that common thread of infertility and strength. Life through an infertiles eyes must be so much different than it is through a fertiles. We scan every pregnancy test for hours for any hint of a line, we'll hold it up to light, we'll leave it and check it four times to make sure a pink line hasn't magically appeared, we'll upload a  hundred pictures and views of it and post it online to get other ttcers opinions and then finally throw it away days later (not without checking it again, mind you). We've peed on more ovulation sticks than one can deem 'normal'. We obsess over temperatures on our chart and what they might mean or stand for. We google any 'symptom' we may be having because it MUST be pregnancy related. Our RE's office is our second home and you spend most of your life either giving blood or in stirrups, spread eagle style. We know all the TTC lingo and actually use it, daily, we monitor cervical mucus and can pinpoint ovulation down to the second and we've been poked, prodded, dildo-wanded and dubbed "unexplained infertility" but we never give up. We're programmed from birth to be mom's and just like when your child is here, you'll do anything for them, you'd take the breath right out of your lungs if they needed it. We are moms and we'll do what we have to do for our babies, unborn or not or die trying. We also appreciate life like no other. Words can't describe the moment two pink lines appear before an infertiles eyes on a pregnancy test, we all know that all the aforementioned stuff is worth it, even if it doesn't work out, you're doing all you can but when those two lines appear, you get this overwhelming sense of accomplishment and pure joy, a joy a fertile will never know. I've worked hard for everything in my life, nothing has been handed to me, ever. What made me think conception would be any different? God tests me in this way, maybe because he knows I can do it, maybe because I can appreciate everything so much more or maybe just because he has a weird sense of humor (kidding!) but in the end, I can be truly thankful for late nights, temper tantrums in the grocery store, tiny toys stuffed in my socks and popcorn in the a/c registers. I'm thankful for my three little stretch marks, I rock those bitches like badges of honor because it was that hard to earn them. I'm thankful for those friends of mine who don't have to deal with any of this and I can be genuinely happy for them when they do get pregnant with ease. I don't need censored pregnancy announcements because as hard as it is always being the one left behind in the pregnancy world, I'm thankful in a way a fertile would never know. This journey of mine has been anything but easy livin' but clearly, that's just how I roll. (knucks to god). I mean, a fertiles life must be really boring, January 1st "hey, lets have a baby!", January 28th, "I'm pregnant!". Where's the fun in that anyway? We always want what we don't have, we dwell regretfully on the door that closed and miss the ones that are open. I think though, when the right door opens, you'll know.

mine field

You know what I miss? My old gynecologist. He was just an gyno, no OB so I had to switch when I got pregnant with Lily but I miss how personable he was and possibly I miss his waiting room the most. The quiet lull of the fish tank, the receptionist that you could faintly hear on the other side of the glass, Home & Garden magazines and a small office with no one eyeing your belly for a bump. Fast forward to today. My current ob/gyn, ever heard the phrase "herding turtles"? yeah, I'm just a number in a long line of preggo's at this place. The waiting room is always full of parenting and baby magazines, preggo's and new moms waiting for their 6 week 'can we have sex now' check up with newbies in tow. Its like a mine field for an infertile, no matter where you look or step, there is something baby related that makes your eyes well up. I love my DR but he happens to be so ADD it isn't even funny. In the same stretch of breath he asked me what was wrong, read my memorial bracelet and asked why I have a pair of jeans in my purse. They are for Lily btw, my purse doubles as a diaper bag, clearly doc. I've also been to the office enough times for the nurses to know me on a first name basis and ask me if I feel like the office is my second home but my DR can NEVER remember my situation. I mean, I don't expect him to know everything but seriously? Am I on birth control? Are we trying? And also the fact that the surgery he did in '09 on me is one of only like 3 he does a year. Welcome to the get a clue corp. doc, leave a message. I know he delivers thousands of babies and sees countless vagina's a day but can you once remember one little detail of my existence, that I'm DESPERATELY trying to be pregnant. My original appointment was scheduled for June 2nd so since I was in here for something unrelated I knocked out two birds with one stone or rather two bills with one stone and asked him about the scar tissue and possible D&C, that the hub's doctor mentioned when he went in for his s/a. Long story short, I would be having painful periods along with painful cramping if scar tissue were the case, so, still no answers. Big surprise, right? My crappy withered cervix won't even allow ONE of 75 million proud, eager sperm to enter her fortress. What a bitch.

I fight for what I love and love what I fight for

*WARNING: I allow myself to wallow in self pity only a few times a year, this post is one of those occasions. If you don't care to wallow with me, read no more.

We have an unfinished room in our basement dubbed "the liquor room" because when we moved in the previous owners left their stash behind  and in this room is all of our crap that has no where else. Holiday decorations, randomness from the move that has no 'place' and mountains of baby stuff--all the baby stuff Lily has outgrown. I've been holding onto it, for the next. We were discussing plans for the liquor room, which we would like to turn into a gym but first, we have to do something with the crap that is in there now. Maybe we should just sell all the baby stuff? My 'when' we have a baby has turned into 'if' and 'if' by chance we happen to get pregnant, we'll just get new stuff. I don't think it was until then, when we were standing there surrounded by all the baby stuff that when turned into if. We could go spend thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant and not be successful. I've been doing a lot of research on my procedure I had in '09 and I'm more and more convinced that if I can get pregnant and stay pregnant it really will be a miracle. The amount of tissue they removed from my cervix in my surgery determines if we will have another baby. The amount they removed also determines the strength of my cervix which determines if I will be able to carry a baby to term. I will never give up on it, I'll try until my body won't allow me to try anymore but my views have changed, I can't rely on medications or temping, I can't 'plan' sex or drink fertility tea because none of that matters. My cervix was comprimised and may be so forever. I wish I would have read more about the procedure then, read more into the infertility effects, not that I could have postponed it? oh hey highly cancerous cells of my cervix, please revisit in five years when I'm done childbearing, k?thanks. Maybe I didn't beat cancer after all, maybe it beat me.

The hub had his semen analysis this morning, finally and the results were as we expected, completely normal. Average motility is 20 million and his was 75 million if that doesn't make a man proud I don't know what will, ha! Not that I'm not excited that there isn't a problem there, but had there been at least maybe we would have an answer or a problem to 'fix'.  His DR suggested that I get in touch with my OB/GYN, that there may be scar tissue that is keeping us from conceiving, why wouldn't my DR think of this? I'm way too grounded to be excited about a 'fix' so I will make an appointment with my DR and we will go from there. I haven't been temping much this cycle, just here and there to get an idea where I'm at in my cycle and to be honest, for the first time in a year I have no idea what cycle day I'm even on. Its nice to not be worried about when we have to have sex or limiting caffiene intake in case I'm ovulating soon but sad at the same time because its like in a sense, I'm giving up on pregnancy. The tests, temping, googling of fertility massages all makes me feel like at least I'm trying even if I know it won't help, I've done all I can and thats all I can do. All thats left? having peace in the thought of Lily being my only and when I go home and study her and wallow in the awesomeness that she is, I have peace. She saved me, from being everything I hate about myself. She is my strength because no matter what road I end up on, no matter where life takes me, I will always have my peace in her.

Grieving. We all need to grieve. It can be as complex as a perfectly planned cycle that fails, the passing of a loved one or as simple as dropping your very last chip on the floor and surpassing the five second rule. Its a part of life, a necessary part of moving forward. You have to allow yourself time, even if its just a second, to mourn. After your time is up, you move on. You gather your thoughts, trying to piece them together and you look forward.  Since the passing of my dear friend, TJ I've been trying to focus on the good in life, its there. The miracles are all around us and he is helping me to see it. It comes in the form of a momma bird building a nest for her littles in a tree at the cemetery, its a song that comes on the radio just as your losing all hope, its a stranger whom remembers a small detail of your lost ones life, its healing in the form of crying, its a new doctor with a new protocol that renews your faith and my personal favorite, a CFA milkshake on a gorgeous day with the windows down, blasting The Band Perry and watching your three year old own it because your day has sucked. Its these little moments in life that remind us to keep going, that the good in life will always outweigh the bad, the happy will always outweigh the hurt, the laughter will be heard over the tears and to sing your little heart out to your favorite song because without fail, it will always make you feel better.

Suck it, self pity!

another day, another pregnancy announcement

I love Monday pregnancy announcements, it really sets the tone for my whole week! This one in particular makes me feel, infertile. She and I were pregnant with our firsts together and since then she has had one more and is now due in October, she will have perfected her family of three before I can even get pregnant with my second. It's days like these when my infertility adventure really sucks. Its all part of 'the plan' right? fate? get at me, fate. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of being the strong friend, I want to be the pregnant friend.

Normally I'm flooded with weekly chores as soon as my high heels turn into bare feet when I arrive home from work. On this particular day, I went up to change into my running clothes my two little ducks following close behind, mind you, sorted laundry, made the bed and the three of us ended up lying on it. At that moment we all were reminded all we needed in this world, was right there on that bed. The hub turned to me saying "I love our little family" I smiled back and he says "we need like three more of them" glancing over at Lily concentrating hard while putting on said high heels. "I need a boy to help me do yard work when I'm old, we need more so they come visit us when we're old" we followed the heart warming conversation with "well, the way things are going we'll have one and we'll bug the SHIT out of her all the time since she's the only and she'll never come see us!" But he's right, our lives completely revolve around a three foot, twenty-eight pound pixie. Our lives forever, will be about her. Since the moment I found out I was pregnant, I stopped thinking of myself first, since she was the size of a poppy seed in my uterus, she's been my world. We want to watch more of our children grow and develop and inherit our traits. We want our children to come over for Sunday dinners, even if its cold by the time we eat because we're chasing grandchildren. We want to go to plays and recitals, footballs games and have so many activities going on that we barely have time to breathe. We need more kids.

I caught a commercial for a show on TLC called "Taboo", in a nutshell its a show about crazies who have weird (taboo) "addictions" or ways of life. The very first show on the upcoming season is of a lady who carries around a baby (like the life-like crying babies you get in Childhood education in school). She takes care of it literally like it is a live baby, it stays with her parents occasionally, she carries it from store to store in its car seat, she bathes it, burps it holy shit, this lady is CRAZY but then I got it. She can't have kids, she's a me. She's a crazy infertile like me, this is what infertility adventures do to you, make you carry around pretend babies because that's the closest your going to get to having one. She needs a baby so bad that she caters to a fake baby just to have that feeling at all. SO I get this lady's struggle. A lady.with a fake baby. I'm pretty sure on some level this makes me some kind of crazy but like I said, infertility and crazy go hand in hand. Her choice of dealing with infertility is carrying around a fake baby, my choice of dealing with it is by carrying around a Bud Light. To each their own.

Happy Monday!

variety, viruses & vaginas

My mood changes with the wind. My likes and dislikes differ from day to day. My favorite song skips to something different each week. Variety. I like variety except when it comes to jelly beans, I only like the pink ones in that case.There are four different beers to chose from in my refrigerator. I have three pairs of sunglasses in my car.  I live my life like my song collection. Ke$ha. Zac Brown Band. Mumford & Sons. Maybe this goes along with the lines of my problem with indecision or the fact that my parents have their routine down to the friggin' second and I have vowed never to live life like that. Maybe having variety makes it easier for me to chose. I chose to go au-natural this month, clearly the meds didn't work the past few months so like my hair today, beach hair, right out-the-ocean waves hair, natural. I get lost in the tides sometimes with all the infertility stuff and like any other part of my life, don't want 'routine' with it. I met my friend (from childhood so we're not like real tight) at the park last night and of course the "are you going to have another anytime soon?" question came up and I told her about my struggle, especially since the procedure in 2009 and she feels the need to tell me at one point in the conversation that she's isn't having ANY more and she wanted the DR to do a hysterectomy and remove her whole uterus. Seriously? you think this is an appropriate time to tell me this? Why don't you just take your fertile uterus out right now and slap me in the face with it? I would totally pick it up up off the ground and rush to the DR to see if we could recycle it in my body, by the way.  She also asked me in the same stretch of breath if her new OBGYN would laugh if her "who-ha" was shaved. WHERE do I find these people? First, I laughed, I wasn't prepared for that. Secondly, I don't know but if I were an OB I would prefer a clean cut vag, just sayin'. Lastly, there are still people who don't shave?  Clearly, I have a variety of friends, some sweet, some badass, some who tell me exactly like it is, some who are fertile and some who are all those combined. Their variety is exactly what I need in my life. I like my life, its like walking into the nail salon and having all those nail polish colors to chose from, you just stand there for five minutes looking through them, grabbing one, switching it with another and finally choosing the color for that day. I like this way of life, the options are endless and no matter which color you end up picking, its always the right one.

A computer virus wrecked my boss' computer Monday morning awesome, right? or so I thought. I left at 10:00 Monday and spent the day at home switching Lily's winter clothes out to summer (we skipped Spring here in VA) and making wedding favors for my brothers upcoming wedding, I put the goody bags (or pails!) together for Lily's birthday and had a beer at 3:00, it was a really fabulous day off. I went in Tuesday as we were told the computer should be back at 8 AM, got there on time and got a call that it would be ready that afternoon, as this is a really busy payroll week we were feeling a little nervous but what are you going to do? we can do absolutely nothing without our computers (if hers is down, mine is useless since they are networked) so I ran a few errands in town, went tanning, got a sweet tea from Chick Fil A yes friends, I refrained from the milkshake! and killed some time in the bookstore. They didn't carry two of the three books I was looking for but they did have the third, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. I found a comfy spot to sit at and let the book take me away and oh did it. Ever since losing my dear friend, I've been so interested in learning more about where he is at and what he is feeling and within the first couple chapters of this book I got this overwhelming calmness, a feeling of peace in knowing where he is. It goes on to say that every single person you meet here on earth has a purpose in your life, whether you remember them or not, whether they were just your cashier at the store or a passing glance, every person you have ever met has been for a reason. I left off there, checking my phone it was almost noon, as in afternoon so I figured I should get back to work. I didn't buy the book, I couldn't put it down but had already gotten crap from the hub about spending money tanning and running errands normally I disregard his money spending remarks because I work too you know but I figured he was right so I put it back and left. I have not stopped thinking about it since, I'm going back today to get it, I have to finish reading it, its one of those books that you can sit down at nap time and finish before the little wakes up. that good. Anyway, long story short our computer was not back until 8AM THIS morning, we had to do TWELVE payrolls in 8 hours because people ain't going to be happy if they can't get their paychecks Friday, but we did it. with the help of an extra cup of coffee and the volume on Pandora turned up a little, we kicked today's ass.

uterus vacancy. oh & a penis cake!

5dpo and I'm bleeding? WTF is this? This is the most effed up chart I've ever seen. What the hell is my body doing? I guess if I wasn't going to be preggo, AF might as well be early, as in 8 DAYS early. It doesn't make sense. It's clear I did ovulate because of the temp shift but getting AF at 5dpo? eff you body, eff you. I'm not as down as I thought I would be, I think after so long you're sense of excitment dulls. I'm up an hour before the little, sipping my CAFFEINATED cup of coffee with the CMT music channel on and this is ok, I'm going to enjoy the day, I'm going to enjoy my empty uterus by partaking in a glass o' wine later put that in your juice box and suck it, preggo's! because just like the spring flowers in my garden beds, people's uterus's are popping up all over the place! I feel like every time I log onto FB I'm greeted by someones uterus or the "my baby's growth week 8" diagram. One lady in particular has been posting these diagrams since 4 weeks, FOUR WEEKS. I have another 36 weeks of my life to read about the development of her poppy seed. I may just hit hide, ignorance is bliss, right? They should be jealous of me anyway, I'm on an infertility adventure! Maybe I'm not exactly jealous of them, I'm just jealous of their pearl-like eggs that glide ever so eloquently down their Fallopian tubes to welcome sperm with lemonade and coffee cake squares. That's how I envision their eggs, anyway. One of my best friends suggested an infertility massage or maybe its called a fertility massage since it's supposed to boost your fertile-ness? I looked up a method called the Maya Fertility Massage, where they massage your uterus to 'center' it with your body. A lot of times during pregnancy or after birth you're uterus can be off center, throwing your whole body off center at least that's what the fancy website says. I feel like a little ovary massage can't hurt, I guess I need to check out the cost because unlike the massage, that can hurt. It also has me a little worried since my last experience with a massage (full body) was probably more painful than my whole birthing experience. I said it. My masseuse had a man-like structure and hands that could choke a horse. I was seven months pregnant and went in for the prenatal massage, the hub got it for me for Christmas and they assured him that this type of massage was just for preggo's. I got to the office and to her surprise, I was pregnant. What? She had to go break down the bed to accommodate my 'condition'. I should have ran then. I got undressed and informed her I could not lie flat as I had this bowling ball in my belly that cuts off air supply to my brain if I were to lie flat. The next hour I experienced the worst beating of my life, I'm not even kidding. I don't know if she's not used to working with small framed preggo's or woman in general. It.hurt. I know she could feel me tense up every time she would come near me, like I was a frightened dog. There was no clock in there so I couldn't even count down the minutes until my beating was over. I don't know if your supposed to tip your masseuse but she sure as hell didn't get one unless you count the I'm going to wake up feeling like a mack truck just ran me over I mumbled as I walked out the door. So needless to say, I really don't want anyone beatin' up the ol' ovaries, I can punch them around a little myself.

I'm going to a dear friends bachelorette party tonight and was given the task of *drum roll please* PENIS CAKE. I get to bake a penis cake today, I'm going to jazz the balls I can say balls, right? it is my blog up with sprinkles, I'm actually really excited about my penis cake! I feel like I've been walking around with a penis all day, asking everyone is they want to see my penis...cake, if they decline, move onto the next that's how it works in real life, right?  I'm excited to go spend some time with this group of girls, we all generally have such conflicting schedules thats its hard to all be together, usually we only all get together for the Oliver's Halloween party or our annual Brad Paisley concert. We're just hanging out at her house but that's all I need in life, a good group of girlfriends, wine and a penis cake.

We've got a lot going on this weekend, which is kind of nice. The past few weekends have mainly included lying around in our PJ's all day with Nick JR on and not brushing our teeth until 4pm. That's the life I tell you what. We've got two get-togethers on Saturday to go to and of course all the Easter festivities on Sunday, Easter egg hunt with the little included! Enjoy the time you'll be spending with your family and friends, enjoy one more devilled egg, enjoy that peanut butter cup that has been calling your name all week and enjoy that story gran'ma tells every time you see her, you will miss it one day. Happy weekend friends, enjoy!

infertility adventures & a temp rise!

Oh wait, whats that I see? A temp rise! I'm either 4DPO or 1DPO, either way I'm onto the two week wait! I guess its better late than never, right? Its funny how a temperature can either make or break you. I used to take my temperature and look at the number as soon as I took it, bad idea, you could never fall back asleep because either a.) you were so mad that it wasn't what it should be or b.) you couldn't wait to get that sucker entered into fertility friend so you could actually see the awesomeness that the temperature was. I take it, the thermometer saves it and I look at it when I am up for good. This system works much better for me, especially on days that my temperature has satisfied me and has me feeling good. Other things that have me feeling good today? A hot cup of coffee from the amazing bakery two blocks from my office, delivered by the maintenance man--an older, speaks from the heart, loves to fish, genuine good person. A new bra that I spent way to much money on at Victoria's secret but it makes my boobs look good. The good leftovers for lunch awaiting me in the fridge, bbq that slow cooked all day yesterday and all the favorite fixin's that go with it. An impromptu trip to Redbox and to get ice cream on Friday evening alone--as in just my ipod, my purse and myself. An at-home pedicure for me and the little, matching piggies makes her happy. It may be Monday, but Monday is looking good.

As good as I am at trying to find the good in things one thing I'm not good at, is making decisions. I'm the most indecisive person you will ever meet. I can't make a decision on anything, ever. Its not that things aren't good enough or I spend hours stressing over things, its just I genuinely don't care and not a I'm a bitch and don't care but a whatever decision is made is fine with me don't care. I'm just really easy going, I can't ever chose the restaurant in a group of friends because I can find something from anywhere that I'll like, I like trying new places, I'll carry a shirt around Kohl's for an hour and put it back at the last minute because I finally figure I don't really need it. I'll spend half an hour choosing between the same shoe in two different colors because I can't decide which one I like more. I like it when the hub sees a road and wonders where it goes and I say "Go down it, lets see!" I.love.adventures. Adventures of any kind. Adventures in the sense of new roads or new recipes, new experiments and adventuring into the unknown mind of a three year old which, by the way, you will never understand. I love the uncertainty that comes along with it and the free feeling you get when you're on a road with nowhere you have to be and you have all the time in the world to get there. I'm really trying to use this same adventure passion and introduce it to my infertility struggle. I'm 25, I've got plenty of time to have more kids, this struggle is just another adventure, a try a few different roads until you get where you're going adventure. Its not going to be my infertility struggle anymore, its my infertility adventure. I see nothing but open roads and opportunities.

flip flops & sidewalk chalk

"It's like a storm, that cuts a path. It breaks your will, it feels like that" Infertility.sucks. And that's exactly what it feels like.  I'm finding it really hard to be down on a day like today. I still haven't gotten CH's on FF and its looking like I haven't ovulated this cycle and I don't know that I will.  This whole infertility roller coaster of a ride has me dangling at the top upside down, you know the ride that's 50 years old and wooden and every time someone gets on it, it gets stuck. I'm stuck, in limbo, hanging here at a point in this struggle in which I have no more control over. Its this 'in between' point that gets at me the most, in between either ovulating or starting a new cycle, the dreaded in between. I needed today. I can't be sad today. I just look out the window or watch my little pixie drawing on the driveway with her little curls glowing when the sun hits her just so. It is beautiful and it reminds me of all the beautiful things in my life. Its one of those days where all chores on your 'to-do' list can wait, that laundry will be there tomorrow, you have to be outside. The windows are open and the house smells spring fresh, we're finishing up our usual Friday lunch together that we ate outside today, my flowers are blooming and you can smell them inside when the windows are open, my favorite spring candle is flickering in the hallway and the ipod country playlist is on shuffle. The grass has just been cut and you can hear all the neighbors following suit. We walked to the pool knowing full and well that its not opening yet but we keep going, just in case. I can't wait to see my girls face when they finally do open the pool, pure excitement. I can't be sad today, I have so much to be thankful for, all I have to do is look around. I need these days like I need air. I'm breathing it all in, this day and this feeling won't last long. I'm going out and absorbing life and a ton of sunshine today. Today is beautiful.

My flip flops, sidewalk chalk and front porch are calling me!

mindless happiness & infertility warriors

"I'm happy!" were the words that made my soul smile one morning this past week on the way to work. After all, isn't that all we want to hear as parents? We want healthy, growing, happy children. I love children, they have no sensors and are so pure, they speak right from their soul because that's all they know. I love their un-altered way of thinking and the way they look right past you sometimes as if they are smiling at the angels around you. They are angels among us and I never feel so close to god as when I'm in the presence of a child. The sun was just starting to rise over the mountains making her little blonde curls glow. She said "Sunshine, I missed you!" (it's been a gloomy couple of days) Sunshine makes her happy, she is me. There is nothing in the world that makes me as happy as sunshine on my shoulders. There we were, a beautiful spring morning, sun was shining, we were sharing our favorite chocolate chip muffins and singing our hearts out to The Band Perry, all was right in this world. 'Mindless happiness--not being happy because of something in particular but being happy because I'm happy.' We were happy. I like this mood I've been in all week, it looks good on me.

We're in the midst of a government furlough, or shut down and I'm starting to FREAK OUT a little. The hub is a government contractor and also the breadwinner in our family. All this means is that if he's out of work for an unknown amount of time, we may be living off of Ramen noodles for awhile. What do they expect people to do? You can't just go around and close up shop because you can't come to an agreement. We are people, we have houses, cars, lives and we need you, government, to be there. Our soldiers are out on the front line defending our freedom, what about their families? This makes me think of all the people that lost their jobs at the beginning of the foreclosure crisis, I feel for them. The stress and worry that comes along with wondering how you can provide for your family without a job. I know he will go back to work but the days to come that he is essentially jobless makes this cold world all too unwelcoming and real.

Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. April is Infertility Awareness Month. Whether a friend, a family member, or you, yourself have fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of women are fighting day in & day out. Post this as your status (on fb) if YOU or someone you know has walked through hell & back just for the slightest chance to be a MOM. After all, we'd all do anything for our children, unborn or born. We will fight until we can't fight anymore. To all my infertility girls, we know pain and disapointment like no other, but we also know strength like no other. We bruise our bellies with shots, we're stuck with needles multiples times a week, we have more people hovering around our vag than we'd like, we've experienced loss, we've recovered from loss, we set our alarm clocks every single day to take our temperature, we suffer through hulk-like side effects from new medications, we put on big fakes smiles at other people's baby showers, we put a band-aid over the hole in our soul, hoping it will help mend the pain, we are strong.