poked, prodded & dildo-wanded

I'm in a group on one of my favorite websites, its been so helpful in my journey as these girls have been so supportive. TTC'ers of all sorts can be found here. I joined a group with two other girls who have struggled to have kids, both are a little older than me and both just finished their first round of IVF after many failed IUI's and medicated cycles and both, are pregnant. Friend one is 12 weeks along with twins and friend two just got her bfp yesterday. I'm so happy for them, they've struggled so much and can finally experience pregnancy. It's 'easier' for me to be happy for these success stories because as much as it sucks that now I'm the lone one in the group with an empty uterus, they know how painful this journey is and can really appreciate pregnancy. They were also the very first ones who knew about my bfp in December and they exuded so much happiness for me, even though their cycles were a bust and they felt as if it were never going to happen for them, they were still my biggest cheerleaders. Though our stories may be different, we've helped each other through the struggles and ups and downs and we all share that common thread of infertility and strength. Life through an infertiles eyes must be so much different than it is through a fertiles. We scan every pregnancy test for hours for any hint of a line, we'll hold it up to light, we'll leave it and check it four times to make sure a pink line hasn't magically appeared, we'll upload a  hundred pictures and views of it and post it online to get other ttcers opinions and then finally throw it away days later (not without checking it again, mind you). We've peed on more ovulation sticks than one can deem 'normal'. We obsess over temperatures on our chart and what they might mean or stand for. We google any 'symptom' we may be having because it MUST be pregnancy related. Our RE's office is our second home and you spend most of your life either giving blood or in stirrups, spread eagle style. We know all the TTC lingo and actually use it, daily, we monitor cervical mucus and can pinpoint ovulation down to the second and we've been poked, prodded, dildo-wanded and dubbed "unexplained infertility" but we never give up. We're programmed from birth to be mom's and just like when your child is here, you'll do anything for them, you'd take the breath right out of your lungs if they needed it. We are moms and we'll do what we have to do for our babies, unborn or not or die trying. We also appreciate life like no other. Words can't describe the moment two pink lines appear before an infertiles eyes on a pregnancy test, we all know that all the aforementioned stuff is worth it, even if it doesn't work out, you're doing all you can but when those two lines appear, you get this overwhelming sense of accomplishment and pure joy, a joy a fertile will never know. I've worked hard for everything in my life, nothing has been handed to me, ever. What made me think conception would be any different? God tests me in this way, maybe because he knows I can do it, maybe because I can appreciate everything so much more or maybe just because he has a weird sense of humor (kidding!) but in the end, I can be truly thankful for late nights, temper tantrums in the grocery store, tiny toys stuffed in my socks and popcorn in the a/c registers. I'm thankful for my three little stretch marks, I rock those bitches like badges of honor because it was that hard to earn them. I'm thankful for those friends of mine who don't have to deal with any of this and I can be genuinely happy for them when they do get pregnant with ease. I don't need censored pregnancy announcements because as hard as it is always being the one left behind in the pregnancy world, I'm thankful in a way a fertile would never know. This journey of mine has been anything but easy livin' but clearly, that's just how I roll. (knucks to god). I mean, a fertiles life must be really boring, January 1st "hey, lets have a baby!", January 28th, "I'm pregnant!". Where's the fun in that anyway? We always want what we don't have, we dwell regretfully on the door that closed and miss the ones that are open. I think though, when the right door opens, you'll know.