We have an unfinished room in our basement dubbed "the liquor room" because when we moved in the previous owners left their stash behind and in this room is all of our crap that has no where else. Holiday decorations, randomness from the move that has no 'place' and mountains of baby stuff--all the baby stuff Lily has outgrown. I've been holding onto it, for the next. We were discussing plans for the liquor room, which we would like to turn into a gym but first, we have to do something with the crap that is in there now. Maybe we should just sell all the baby stuff? My 'when' we have a baby has turned into 'if' and 'if' by chance we happen to get pregnant, we'll just get new stuff. I don't think it was until then, when we were standing there surrounded by all the baby stuff that when turned into if. We could go spend thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant and not be successful. I've been doing a lot of research on my procedure I had in '09 and I'm more and more convinced that if I can get pregnant and stay pregnant it really will be a miracle. The amount of tissue they removed from my cervix in my surgery determines if we will have another baby. The amount they removed also determines the strength of my cervix which determines if I will be able to carry a baby to term. I will never give up on it, I'll try until my body won't allow me to try anymore but my views have changed, I can't rely on medications or temping, I can't 'plan' sex or drink fertility tea because none of that matters. My cervix was comprimised and may be so forever. I wish I would have read more about the procedure then, read more into the infertility effects, not that I could have postponed it? oh hey highly cancerous cells of my cervix, please revisit in five years when I'm done childbearing, k?thanks. Maybe I didn't beat cancer after all, maybe it beat me.
The hub had his semen analysis this morning, finally and the results were as we expected, completely normal. Average motility is 20 million and his was 75 million if that doesn't make a man proud I don't know what will, ha! Not that I'm not excited that there isn't a problem there, but had there been at least maybe we would have an answer or a problem to 'fix'. His DR suggested that I get in touch with my OB/GYN, that there may be scar tissue that is keeping us from conceiving, why wouldn't my DR think of this? I'm way too grounded to be excited about a 'fix' so I will make an appointment with my DR and we will go from there. I haven't been temping much this cycle, just here and there to get an idea where I'm at in my cycle and to be honest, for the first time in a year I have no idea what cycle day I'm even on. Its nice to not be worried about when we have to have sex or limiting caffiene intake in case I'm ovulating soon but sad at the same time because its like in a sense, I'm giving up on pregnancy. The tests, temping, googling of fertility massages all makes me feel like at least I'm trying even if I know it won't help, I've done all I can and thats all I can do. All thats left? having peace in the thought of Lily being my only and when I go home and study her and wallow in the awesomeness that she is, I have peace. She saved me, from being everything I hate about myself. She is my strength because no matter what road I end up on, no matter where life takes me, I will always have my peace in her.
Grieving. We all need to grieve. It can be as complex as a perfectly planned cycle that fails, the passing of a loved one or as simple as dropping your very last chip on the floor and surpassing the five second rule. Its a part of life, a necessary part of moving forward. You have to allow yourself time, even if its just a second, to mourn. After your time is up, you move on. You gather your thoughts, trying to piece them together and you look forward. Since the passing of my dear friend, TJ I've been trying to focus on the good in life, its there. The miracles are all around us and he is helping me to see it. It comes in the form of a momma bird building a nest for her littles in a tree at the cemetery, its a song that comes on the radio just as your losing all hope, its a stranger whom remembers a small detail of your lost ones life, its healing in the form of crying, its a new doctor with a new protocol that renews your faith and my personal favorite, a CFA milkshake on a gorgeous day with the windows down, blasting The Band Perry and watching your three year old own it because your day has sucked. Its these little moments in life that remind us to keep going, that the good in life will always outweigh the bad, the happy will always outweigh the hurt, the laughter will be heard over the tears and to sing your little heart out to your favorite song because without fail, it will always make you feel better.
Suck it, self pity!
I love this post. You are so right, there are miracles all around us, we just have to stop and look and notice them. And I don't think at all that you are giving up on pregnancy, but maybe it will be a good thing to take a little break from worry about every detail all the time and having to do everything right. I hope you continue to find strength, I find it when I read your posts. You make me laugh and give me a better perspective!
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