uterus vacancy. oh & a penis cake!

5dpo and I'm bleeding? WTF is this? This is the most effed up chart I've ever seen. What the hell is my body doing? I guess if I wasn't going to be preggo, AF might as well be early, as in 8 DAYS early. It doesn't make sense. It's clear I did ovulate because of the temp shift but getting AF at 5dpo? eff you body, eff you. I'm not as down as I thought I would be, I think after so long you're sense of excitment dulls. I'm up an hour before the little, sipping my CAFFEINATED cup of coffee with the CMT music channel on and this is ok, I'm going to enjoy the day, I'm going to enjoy my empty uterus by partaking in a glass o' wine later put that in your juice box and suck it, preggo's! because just like the spring flowers in my garden beds, people's uterus's are popping up all over the place! I feel like every time I log onto FB I'm greeted by someones uterus or the "my baby's growth week 8" diagram. One lady in particular has been posting these diagrams since 4 weeks, FOUR WEEKS. I have another 36 weeks of my life to read about the development of her poppy seed. I may just hit hide, ignorance is bliss, right? They should be jealous of me anyway, I'm on an infertility adventure! Maybe I'm not exactly jealous of them, I'm just jealous of their pearl-like eggs that glide ever so eloquently down their Fallopian tubes to welcome sperm with lemonade and coffee cake squares. That's how I envision their eggs, anyway. One of my best friends suggested an infertility massage or maybe its called a fertility massage since it's supposed to boost your fertile-ness? I looked up a method called the Maya Fertility Massage, where they massage your uterus to 'center' it with your body. A lot of times during pregnancy or after birth you're uterus can be off center, throwing your whole body off center at least that's what the fancy website says. I feel like a little ovary massage can't hurt, I guess I need to check out the cost because unlike the massage, that can hurt. It also has me a little worried since my last experience with a massage (full body) was probably more painful than my whole birthing experience. I said it. My masseuse had a man-like structure and hands that could choke a horse. I was seven months pregnant and went in for the prenatal massage, the hub got it for me for Christmas and they assured him that this type of massage was just for preggo's. I got to the office and to her surprise, I was pregnant. What? She had to go break down the bed to accommodate my 'condition'. I should have ran then. I got undressed and informed her I could not lie flat as I had this bowling ball in my belly that cuts off air supply to my brain if I were to lie flat. The next hour I experienced the worst beating of my life, I'm not even kidding. I don't know if she's not used to working with small framed preggo's or woman in general. It.hurt. I know she could feel me tense up every time she would come near me, like I was a frightened dog. There was no clock in there so I couldn't even count down the minutes until my beating was over. I don't know if your supposed to tip your masseuse but she sure as hell didn't get one unless you count the I'm going to wake up feeling like a mack truck just ran me over I mumbled as I walked out the door. So needless to say, I really don't want anyone beatin' up the ol' ovaries, I can punch them around a little myself.

I'm going to a dear friends bachelorette party tonight and was given the task of *drum roll please* PENIS CAKE. I get to bake a penis cake today, I'm going to jazz the balls I can say balls, right? it is my blog up with sprinkles, I'm actually really excited about my penis cake! I feel like I've been walking around with a penis all day, asking everyone is they want to see my penis...cake, if they decline, move onto the next that's how it works in real life, right?  I'm excited to go spend some time with this group of girls, we all generally have such conflicting schedules thats its hard to all be together, usually we only all get together for the Oliver's Halloween party or our annual Brad Paisley concert. We're just hanging out at her house but that's all I need in life, a good group of girlfriends, wine and a penis cake.

We've got a lot going on this weekend, which is kind of nice. The past few weekends have mainly included lying around in our PJ's all day with Nick JR on and not brushing our teeth until 4pm. That's the life I tell you what. We've got two get-togethers on Saturday to go to and of course all the Easter festivities on Sunday, Easter egg hunt with the little included! Enjoy the time you'll be spending with your family and friends, enjoy one more devilled egg, enjoy that peanut butter cup that has been calling your name all week and enjoy that story gran'ma tells every time you see her, you will miss it one day. Happy weekend friends, enjoy!