exploding pythons (and I don't mean penises!)

Baby showers are my kryptonite, especially the ones where no one knows my struggle. The mom-to-be at this particular shower is my husbands cousin. She hates being pregnant and I'm unsure she said anything positive about her whole pregnancy other than the fact that she loves eating cake for breakfast. She also prodded as to when we were going to have another and when "it's a long process for us" wasn't good enough, she came back all "you are going to have more, right?". I was nice on her and went all "we'd like to!". I should have been more "yeah, just as soon as my bitch of a cervix gets her shit together" Had I had more than one glass of wine on the way there, I'm sure it would have went more like that. act like you didn't know I needed as glass of wine before attempting said shower. And it occurred to me as I was watching swamp wars the other night and a giant python engulfed a freaking alligator like it was it's job, that's what I should have done. However, in this case the python exploded half way exposing the alligator, so the snake won in the beginning but got his, mid-snack. Lose/lose.

Karma, at its finest.

I have yet to make a consultation appointment with a new RE. I'm not exactly sure why I'm so apprehensive. I guess its the feeling of leaving the office as I did the last one, completely lost and overwhelmed. I know more than anything, I'm scared. We'll only have one shot one $2,000.00 shot mind you at this, because who knows when we'd be able to get together that kind of money to try again if this doesn't work. I mean, that is an option, the IUI not working. Sure, I'm hopeful that it will. I'm hopeful that the sperm they place right into my freaking uterus will do their job and and egg will attach and happy ending but lets be serious, this infertility shit keeps me grounded enough to know, that it might not work out like that. It might be awful and I might feel like that was my only chance for who knows how long and it just might be the last straw on this struggle that takes me to my knees. I believe I need to take the chance, invest my faith and be vulnerable to the opportunity, but that also means being vulnerable to the even greater hole this could leave in my heart. Everyone has their struggles, whether its health or family, marriage or infertility, we all fight for something. I mean look at the python for god's sake, he was fighting for food, he was hungry, saw that damn alligator and said "self, I'm gonna eat that big bitch for snack" I mean, it didn't really work out in the end but he saw that big ass alligator as no problem, just a little bump in the road and owned it. Until he exploded and all. Yes, I realize I'm reading WAY too much into the pythigator but it was totally appropriate for my post. Infertility is my alligator, I need to make it my bitch.

Also, I got my period (of course) last week, so we're onto cycle 25. CYCLE 25. Two years of negative pregnancy tests and heart breaks.  Also some more, two FB friends had babies,boys, on Monday. One of them complained every day of her pregnancy, I hope her baby has colic. Just kidding, sort of. The Duggar's also announced this week that loosey-goosey momma Duggar is three months pregnant with her 20th child, TWENTIETH! Seriously, world, do you want me to kill myself? I'm only kidding, I faint at the sight of my own blood. Besides, I bet babies pretty much just fall out of her vagina by now, and I'm pretty sure her uterus will one of these days. 20 kids will probably do that to ya, that's what you get for being greedy. Karma, Duggar, karma.

Basically, you can apply all of life to the pythigator.