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| All I need is a fuckin' Bump-it! |
I FEEL LIKE I'M WEARING A WIG! I (well, my sister in law) dyed my hair. Dark, super dark, OK, black. I wanted to change it up a little, I like it long but needed some sort of change and lets face it, I act on impulse. I generally don't think things through, I just do them and face the consequences and in this case, it looks like I straight up took a Halloween wig from a bag and slapped that bitch on my head. I'm hoping it will lighten with a few washes, ok I'm pretty much banking on it so I don't go around looking like Elvira for the next few months so we'll see. I Like it however, its dark, mysterious and its different. I like it.
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| Snookie hair |
My whole focus is Lily, I mean she's been my main focus for holy shit almost 4 years now but now its, Lily, me. Since high school is either been, husband, me and then Lily, husband, me. Its hard to shift the focus on yourself. I'm busy shuffling Lily back and forth, doing things to keep her entertained and happy and when I have to focus on myself I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing! I mean I've always made time to read a good book, paint my nails, do girl shit but there was one Sunday in particular I had dropped Lily off for the evening, went and got a shower and had the entire evening to myself and I sat there on the bed because I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do when I wasn't running around. How in the hell am I supposed to figure out where I'm going in my life if I can't even figure out what to do with my alone time! I keep busy, I always have, its just how I function so when I'm forced to slow it down a little, I'm forced to do a little soul searching. I'm forced to find myself. I'm also forced to crack open that bottle of wine because when in doubt, that's just what you do. No one likes to admit failure and defeat. It's natural for people to be hesitant in owning up to failure, its an insecurity. Reality has a way of sneaking up and biting you in the ass. I was putting together a new car seat for Lily and making a list of things I still need to get from my house and my brother asked "so, you're really going to do this huh?" He wasn't contradicting, wasn't pushing one way or another and it was just a simple question that I'm still not sure I know the answer to. I can have the separation papers in front of me, the joint custody agreement drawn up and have no real emotion toward it, but its just words on paper and until its happening, I'm not sure I'll really know. That's how I am, I learn the hard way. I can't foresee things, I have to experience them to understand them. Its probably not the best quality I have, but its part of who I am. There are some people who are not afraid to fail, not afraid to lose sight of the shore and take on the ocean because failing, beats the hell out of not trying at all. I won't be stepped on by people whom don't try to understand. Push me and I push back. Tell me I can't do something, I will do everything to prove it wrong. No matter what path my life takes, I will not fail.
happy pills gave me balls. figuratively of course. I don't know how guys legitimately walk around with those things.
I'm finishing up my work day, taking the little to the indoor pool and having pizza with her and some favorites later while we wait anxiously for some impending snow. I am happy.
Happy weekend, bloggy friends!
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