rock bottom

Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. You've come to the edge of your darkness and feel you'll either be taught how to fly or find solid ground but you're left falling to a whole 'nother left of uncertainty. I was laid off from my nine year job. This only adds to the shitstorm 2012 has been for me. The only stable, certain thing in my life to this point was my job. I was completely blindsided last Tuesday. I came in like normal and everything was fine, I was in the middle of lunch and my boss asked to speak to me when I got a chance so I put my fork of mac 'n cheese down and walked in and sat down with a smile on my face. I could have never braced myself for what was to come next. "I've been thinking about downsizing for awhile and feel its the time in my life to terminate your employment, effective immediately" as in, get your shit and get to steppin'. "I know it may be a little shock to you but I didn't know where this was going. There is a box for your things, take the rest of the week. I will give you a great reference and pay you through Friday" Are you fucking kidding me? I know she could read the floored expression on my face because she was all "I know this is bad timing with all you have going on but its just time" I sat there, wordless because this was the very last thing I was expecting and I said "I'm sorry I have no emotion, I am just floored" I walked out back and just cried. I was supposed to take this business over, this is all I know, I've been here for nine years. I guess I was more hurt that she was shady enough to handle it the way she did. What, you've been thinking about it for awhile but you can't give someone who is like a daughter to you a little heads up? Even a week? SOMETHING? I gathered myself and went back in and was all "can we just talk for a minute?" So I sat back down and asked if it was me. Was it something I did, didn't do or could be doing? It had to be me, you don't just lay someone off like that. She confirmed it wasn't me, that it was the time in her life and it had to be done. With that being said, I went in and put my nine years worth of things in a box. As I finished packing my desk and put my keys on it I told her I was leaving, she went to give me a hug. I just left, had she come to me and gave me a "hey, I'm going to close up shop you might want to start looking around" a few weeks ago, this all would have been fine. It was literally rock bottom for me. Since January, my husband and I have been separated, I was asked to leave where I was living, moved in somewhere else. Some of my family won't even look at me and then I lose my job. The worst has to be over now, I'm so ready to breathe again. I'm ready to be proud again. I know god doesn't give you more than you can handle and I know he's giving me all of this, because it might break someone else. He knows I'm a fighter and maybe this job thing is a good thing. Maybe I will get a job with benefits, make more, who knows. I have to think of it as good or I'll drive right into that lake I was talking about! kidding! I've been pounding the pavement job searching. In the first week I filed for unemployment, made a resume because of course I didn't have one and sent out twelve of them bitches. Things are already starting to look up. I went for my first interview yesterday and while its a new business, its exactly what I do. I think it's a good match and after 60 days I'll be making more than I did and have health benefits. Its also still in the area, a few of the jobs I've applied for have been in the city and I really don't want the commute but when you need a job, a commute is the least of your worries. I've never had to worry about where I'm going to get money to pay my bills, how I'm going to make the mortgage payment so when your faced with the harsh reality of that, nothing motivates you more. There is one good thing about rock bottom, once you've hit it, it gives you hope that it can only get better from here. You have no where else to go but up. I have moments of weakness, more here lately than ever but I remember that I am strong. I remember that I have friends who pick me up, every single time. I remember that the past doesn't control your future. I will get this job and get off my knees and back onto my own two feet. I will get my own place so I can have Lily more. I will be better. Rock bottom changes you, it makes shit real, it makes you better and its all in how you look at it because just when you think it can't get any better, it can.