Just when things start to level themselves out, you get a fucking black eye. Really? It looks like someone straight up punched me right in the eye, cut on the eyebrow and all. I need a cool story other than what really happened, so I figure I'll go with Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked me. OR it was a crack drug deal gone wrong too soon? Actually, its entirely because I'm short. I was reaching for the mac&cheese on the very top shelf, next to a giant can of beans. Beans fell, busted me IN THE FACE and blood started pouring out. So, yeah. Chuck Norris kicking me is far better than a can of pork and beans attacking me. C'mon life, give a girl a break!
*****
I took the little to see The Lorax Sunday, it was actually pretty cute. It was a nice day out so I was assuming most people would not be at the movie theatre, I assumed wrong. After we spent a million dollars on popcorn and Pepsi we finally made our way into the crowded theatre. I didn't want to sit up close because that's gay, so I scanned around and found two open seats on the end about half way up, perfect. We sit down and the jackhole behind perfect said seats is all "Really?" I looked back and he's got two kids with him and apparently I sat in the seat in front of one of the kids. Its god damn movie theatre guy, and stadium seats, and I have a three year old. After giving him the stink eye I was all "Yep". I mean, I'm not a giraffe, I'm just pushing 5 feet tall and if you want a crowd less movie, just stay your ass at home. I hate the seats at this theatre, they don't recognize Lily's whole 30 pound body and anytime she sit backs, it folds her into a sandwich so anytime I take her, I spend the ENTIRE movie holding her seat down so she doesn't go batshit crazy and fall in between, passing her the 100 pound Pepsi and licking glorious popcorn butter off my fingers. We're a hot mess but we have the best time. And its these little things that will stand out for her, and for me. I love when her conversations start with "Remember that time we.." I love giving her memories and seeing her turning into this beautiful girl she is becoming, soothes my soul.
*****
I haven't been home in two months and twelve days. I know through all of this I've made a lot of people unhappy, I've broken some hearts, some bridges have been burned and I have great remorse for anyone that I've hurt however I'd much rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. It's as simple as that. Above all, I try be considerate of others feelings while staying true to myself and that's really all I can do. If people want to be a part of your life, whether it be your new one and old one or a revised one, they will be in it. Much like when you have children, some people can't accommodate your new life and so, they fall short and phase themselves out. Much like I imagine of you were to find out someone really close to you, or perhaps your child, were gay. Some people can't handle it, so they don't. Just as you make your own choices, so do others. I feel like my situation is similar to that. I was unhappy. I left my husband on a quest to find myself. To find my way back to him. Hell, to find something anything that I felt would fill whatever void was within me. The people who have chosen to leave my side are expecting failure but they should know me better than that, its just not an option. I'm stable. I haven't missed any work, my bills are paid and up to date, my baby girl is healthy, happy and gets to see both of parents, albeit separately, but equally. I have a legion of unbiased support. I am not failing and you can't build up the weak, by bringing down the strong. And while I have moments of sadness and weakness, moments where I let myself feel words spoken and see the hurt and disappointment on faces, I also have moments that I let happiness shine through. Maybe I'm not supposed to, maybe I'm supposed to feel like shit for the rest of my life, maybe I am supposed to fail but taking the little on mommy&me dates, talking for hours over wine with a dear friend, coffee surprisingly being delivered to work and the realization that this is my life and it can be whatever I want it to be, make me happy. When your back is against the wall, I've found that this is what you do: breathe. be thankful for what you DO have. Save your strength for things you can change. Forgive the ones you can't. The best remedies are sleep and laughter, well, and wine. Do what is right in your heart, whether it makes sense, whether its right or wrong. Because people will judge you always, no matter what and you are the only one who knows what is felt in your heart. And that's all that matters.
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