Crossroads

My Valentine's day was different this year, for the last 10 years I've spent it with my husband. I saw Lily, then went to dinner and a movie and while it was different, it also wasn't bad. I mean, the movie was. I don't know why I thought I would like a super sappy love movie, I'm a total Hangover/Stepbrothers/anything funny type of movie girl but I think knowing I would be watching Channing Tatum for two hours pulled me in. All I could do was make fun of his sweaters and then thought of what groceries I needed to get at the store. Anyway, back to my point. How can the temptation of the 'unknown' be so much greater than the steadiness of the known? How can the desire to fly on your own be greater than the security of being grounded? How can want and need be so different yet so share much of the same qualities. Figuring out need and want is a battle in itself because you can convince yourself of anything, you can make yourself believe anything. Its a balancing act, life is a balancing act. Balancing, need and desire. The need to step into your own and the desire to fall back into the normalcy of the life you created, the life that was yours. I'm not sure how long you can walk on a tightrope before you fall, and not necessarily fail, two different types of falls, known and unknown. Familiar, unfamiliar. Neither fall is easy but you can only balance on that tightrope so long, before you have to make a decision. You walk it until finding solid ground at the end or you jump. Either way you go, you can't look back. Some people can see a train wreck coming from a mile away but for some reason, I can't. I can't see it until the second it happens. Some people can see that the track is a little off course and the train will derail but to me, its all mechanics until it happens. I am so grateful for the support system I have, even the people who can see the train wreck, don't judge. They may not understand, they may not agree but they are supportive anyway. God has truly blessed me with amazing people in my life and while they may never know it, they save me too.

A quote from a blog I religiously follow hit home this morning: "You can't effectively move forward in life unless you have those moments of letting yourself feel the darker side of reality once in a while."

Maybe this is my darker side of reality. I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to prove or what it is I'm looking for or if I'll even know it when I find it. I'm focusing on my daughter, everything else falls in between. She's happy, and taken care of and getting everyone through this time of uncertainty. If I know one thing, its that time doesn't stand still and before I know it, I'll be sending her off to college in her little red bug (I'm sure that's what she'll rock!) and I also know she only has one lifetime and I only have one chance at this. I'm going to hold onto her and let her help me, guide me through this bump in my road. She saved my life when she was born and I want to make sure to save hers.

Meanwhile in the past five days there have been three pregnancy announcements on FB. THREE. Even at a point in my life where that falls by the wayside, it still hurts because I still long to be a mother again.