trying to make it work but man these times are hard

·                                 “We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the life that is waiting for us.” – Joseph Campbell

 

 

 Whats this? A quote that isn't from Meredith grey? *pats self on back* I try, I try really hard to be strong and to look at the good opposed to the bad in all aspects of life. I try hard to have peace with my journey as it is and to be happy within myself. I try to step out of the box and be grateful for what I do have and I'm good at doing this, I'm good at putting things in perspective, seeing the 'bigger picture' but sometimes? sometimes this just plain out really fucking sucks. Sometimes this wall I have up gets so weak and just wants to crumble under pressure. Sometimes I'm just tired of trying to keep my head above water, this must be what it feels like to drown, you fight, you gasp for air at any given chance of oxygen, you see light and hope and then your body just can't fight anymore, you feel like your slipping away, water fills your lungs and you surrender. sorry to go so emo there, but that HAS to be what its like. I am blessed and I know that but I'm allowed to be bitter sometimes because this shit is hard. Money is work, love is work, life is work. I'm a fighter, I've been dealt a shitty hand of cards and have played them to perfection. The hub is supportive, he really tries hard to be but he just doesn't quite get why I get so 'debbie downer' sometimes. His feelings? If all we're meant to have, if what we have right now is all we're going to have, then that's ok, he's ok with this. I agree, we've worked hard and it's paid off, we have a good life but for the first time ever, no matter how hard I work, pregnancy is something I can't control. No matter how hard I work for it, fight for it, it's not something I can plan for. Its like trying to cross a canyon that's ever widening, no matter how many ways you look at it, plan it, dive right in, it just seems even more far away. I don't know that I'll ever have 'peace' with it because I feel like my job as a mom isn't done. I'm not ready to sell the bottles or give away the tiny baby clothes. I'm ready to be a mom again. It's been fun, doing all the fun stuff us ttcer's aren't supposed to do, the tanning, running, beer & coffee drinking, but I'll always long to give up every bit of that for a shrimp to inhabit my uterus for 40 weeks. I'm ready for my withered cervix to get control of herself and be a slut and let her sperm friends in for an orgy. too much? I'm ready for what's next in life, I'm ready to jump in feet first. Get at me, life, give me all you've got.  I'm tired and in the words of Nikki Minaj "I'm not talkin poultry when I say this chicken's fried"

Had a date night with the hub last Saturday. We went to see Water For Elephants (you must read it,loved it) and got there and they just stopped showing it the day before. I had my little heart set on comparing movie to book so I sulked for a couple minutes and we figured we were there so we had to see something. We ended up agreeing on The Fast Five, there were only four to choose from and Rango 3D wasn't high on my 'to see' list. It ended up being a good movie, the original actors were in it and it was action from beginning to end and of course, one of the main characters, is pregnant. I swear to god preggo's follow me everywhere I go. Anyway, there was a toast in the middle of the movie along the lines of " everyone in this room right here, right now, is all we need. Family" They were friends but sometimes, our friends, are our family. I can't say enough about my amazing support system of close friends (& a cousin), its unbelievable how your given the people you need in your life. You always have who you need, the world has a funny way of giving you exactly what or in this case, who, you need. Whether its the one who sends a funny text at the exact moment your ready to burst into tears, the one that makes fun of every single newborn baby because she's convinced they aren't up to par with your kid, the one who thanks you for your perspective and outlook on life and the ones that remember every single DR appointment and blood draw you have scheduled. These inner circle friends save me, save me from being a bitter ol' bitch, they save me from driving myself insane, they save me in ways they will never know. This adventure I'm on? I can't do it alone, I can't fight it by myself and they make sure, I don't have to.

I'm up earlier than the little with my perfect cup of coffee in hand and watching the early morning sun rising over the tops of the houses across the street. This is going to be a good, long weekend. The community pool opens tomorrow, and we're spending the day at the lake with some favorites on Monday. I'll tuck the bitter ol' bitch in me away and break out the classy Chanel's, my favorite bathing suit and my this-is-the-good-life smile. I'm ready for life this weekend, I'm ready for chlorine in my hair and towels drying on the porch, I'm ready for sun kissed skin and a few "you make me so happy"s from my curly haired pixie. I'm ready for a weekend 'off' from infertility. Where's my bud light? ;) Happy weekend, friends!