straight arrows & wiggly circles

"Biology says that we are who we are from birth, that our DNA is set in stone, unchangeable. Our DNA doesn't account for all of us though, we're human. Life changes us. We develop new traits. Become less territorial. We start competing. We learn from our mistakes. We face our greatest fears. For better or worse, we find ways to become more than our biology. The risk of course is that we can change too much to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Finding our way back can be difficult. There's no compass, no map. We just have to close our eyes, take a step, and hope to God we get there." have I mentioned I freaking love Meredith Grey? The hub and I are approaching our seventh wedding anniversary, SEVENTH. That is an accomplishment in itself not to mention throwing in everything that we've been hit with, especially in the last few years. We were lying in bed late one night this week, talking about life, love, and all of the sort and got on the subject of change. He is exactly the same person he was the day I met him, his personality, views, everything, straight as an arrow. He's straight forward, true to his beliefs and a judger. He knows exactly who he is. Me? not so much. He described me as a wiggly circle should I be offended? and to an extent, I agree. My mood changes with the wind, I like to rearrange furniture entirely too much because I get sick of looking at it the same way for too long and same with paint. I upgrade my phone every two years and usually follow suit with my cars.  I know my likes and dislikes and I know they change every week. I have yet to find out exactly who I am but maybe that is who I am. I like change, I like variety. I like waking up on Saturday morning and the only 'plan' I have for the day is to make my cup of coffee. I like putting the little to bed on a Friday night and going out to dinner, blasting the radio the whole way there because I'm alone in my car and because I can. I like putting on different pairs of sunglasses that match my mood--stunna shades, classy Chanel's or sporty spice yes, I've named my sunglasses, I'm not denying the fact that I'm crazy. I wear many a hat and I don't think there is anything wrong there, I don't think who I am changes and I never modify myself to fit certain places, people or events. I'll put away the heels from Friday night for my flats on Sunday. I wrecked my hair dying it multiple times because I wanted to switch things up. I love impromptu trips for ice cream or to the playground for no particular reason other than to hear Lily talk about it for the next few days. I'll run three miles then eat a steak and cheese trying to balance out exercise and the fat kid that dwells within my body. I don't think these many hats change who you are, they make you who you are. I think change and balance go hand in hand and change is good, except when you change so much that you don't recognize yourself. Because the truth is, life changes us. Trauma, death, sickness, infertility, second chances. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us.  At what point do your realize when you've changed too much when your husband calls you a wiggly circle? What if you can't find your way back to your pre-life-shat-on-me self? I think the answer is easy, you don't. You embrace whats in front of you, you adapt to the changes life has given you and you believe that the people that mean the most will hop on that wiggly circle train with you. If you can accept your flaws, details of your character and love then that's when you find yourself. Maybe change is how you find out who you are, part of the process of figuring yourself out, maybe we'll never really know who we are. All of these things, phases, stages are building blocks to finding yourself.  He said you don't need tattoos and piercings or beer and girls night to make you beautiful or to define yourself  but those things don't define me. I'm all about those things but they don't define who I am. I am a mom and a great employee. I'm an infertile with a fake smile at baby showers. I'm the skinny bitch in the corner at the OB's office fighting back tears. I'm a warm summer day with my dyed hair blown all around. I'm a margarita on the rocks and a sweet southern tea when need be. I'm a good book by the fire with a glass of wine and a cold beer on the deck on a hot day. I'm a Saturday out on the town and a church girl on Sunday Brad Paisley reference there, hollerr! I'm a listener, lover and stealer of the pink jelly beans. I've got some of the best friends who pick me up, every time I'm down and a three year old smile that is tethered to my soul and I totally just embraced my wiggly circle. And I'm content, with my wiggly circle and knowing that I may never know exactly who I am. I'm no where near perfect, I cry when I'm mad, I laugh when I'm uncomfortable, I lose my patience, I hate confrontation, I'm spoiled, I'm hard headed and always learn things the hard way, I let my guard down way too easily, I refer to my cervix as an old withered bitch and I have emotional band aids over wounds in my heart. I am crazy and I am flawed but I am secure within myself because of these things. Some things though, some things will never change. The unconditional love for my daughter, my tatted up body that ties me to certain people and places, three small stretch marks that I have such pride in because I have carried a baby in my body, the beginnings of laugh lines around my eyes and my total love for chick-fil-a milkshakes ;)  I've found myself in things, places and people, I've surrounded myself with the best in everything and strive daily to mix life up and one thing I know I'm not, is a straight arrow. And I'm content with that.

My stunna' shades are calling me today! Happy weekend, friends!