milestones.

A plan. I like plans, I like to cross shit off check lists, feeling confident on moving down to whats next. I like to have something to work towards.We have a plan, we're going to do the IUI. We 're going to set it up to go ahead with it in September. We've got a fund we're going to borrow from and this is our only shot, there is just enough money to do this once. I know I have to prepare myself for the worst, the fact that the set up can be perfect and it just might not work, we may end up empty uterus AND two thousand dollars in debt but, we're going to try, we're going to give this our best shot. I don't eat unless I'm hungry or bored but that's beside the point and I don't scratch my head unless it itches, I won't be intimidated by it, that's just the way it is. Our biggest concern was twins (or more) but we were talking about it and really? if god blesses me with more than one baby, how lucky would I be? I know it would be hard and stressful but as I've said many times, nothing can compare to years of struggle and infertility. If god thinks I can handle multiples, then I can. I can do twins, I may need Red Bull and Pampers as sponsors but if that's the worst of my worries, is sleep, then I'm ok with that. They monitor you very closely to ensure you don't end up with a litter, if there are too many follicles, they will advise you to wait until the next month and start over with lower doses of medicine. I'm very afraid of hyper stimulation, I'm not average, I may be five feet of pure fury (ha!) but my build and tolerance all falls within the 'petite' range and I certainly hope they know to accommodate that when it comes to injection dosages. We've got the preliminary stuff to get out of the way before the procedure. I have to have CD 3 FSH levels checked, the Semen Analysis is done, we have to take an injection class and have a bloodwork panel done. Then come September I'll start the injections, go in every 3 days for sonograms to see how my little darling follies are doing and when there are a few that are nice and ready, we'll 'trigger' ovulation (with an additional HCG medication) and go in for the IUI and wait, wait and hope that a little poppy seed or seeds will set up shop in my uterus. I'm cautiously excited to have this plan underway. My December bfp, my baby, would have been due in August, I would already have the nursery ready, little clothes in it's gender would line the dressers and I would be miserably hot and pregnant right now and I would have loved every single second of it. August marks a pregnancy milestone that never made it, November marks a two year infertility struggle milestone. September could be the start of something really good, or a downward spiral of emotions. I'm ready for both, I have hope that this is our last obstacle to overcome and I am grounded in knowing it may just be the beginning. "But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not have, we wait patiently." Romans 8: 24.5-25

Sunday marks my seven year wedding anniversary, another major milestone. Seven of the best years of my life. We've accomplished much in our years together,we've been through some of the hardest things a couple could go through but we never let each other forget how we got here, love. Its been a rocky past year but if we can always go back and remember the details of our wedding day and remember why we got this far, remember that feeling of indescribable love, then we'll make it another 50 years. Its something to be proud of, this milestone of marriage. Marriage is work but like parenting, its the most rewarding thing you'll do. My husband has been my support through so much not only for infertility but in life. I'm so grateful for this life we have, we have so much to be thankful for and sometimes we forget that, sometimes we concentrate too hard on the big stuff, or the things we can't change and sometimes, its the little things, that make me happiest. The ice cold cup of water waiting for me after I made myself run, the months worth of Lucky Charms vacuumed out of the backseat that hopefully he actually vacuumed and it wasn't a mouse, the sorted clothes ready to be laundered what can I say, I'm easy to please, the amount of joy that fills Lily's heart when he walks into a room and the fact that after so many years, he still looks at me exactly the same way he did when we first met. I'm thankful for the smiles and tears, the hard times and the easy. It's hard to hate what got me here. I'm looking forward to the road we have ahead of us and wherever it may take us, as long as we walk it together.

My sunflower favors are survivors, they are being packed up right now to be taken to rehearsal dinner and I'm putting the final touches on my wedding toast now if I can get through it without crying, that will be an even greater accomplishment. Saturday will be bittersweet, we have to go right from my friends funeral service to my brother's wedding. Flip the switch from mourning to celebration, tough right? I mean Forest Gump was a ratard and ran across the country so if he can do that, I can handle this. I know that Jay would want it like this, to go from celebrating his life to celebrating a marriage, with beer in hand. It makes me think he had something to do with the way things ended up being planned. As tough as it might be, we will be there for his family and then we will be excited for my brother and one of my best friends, its their day, it will be a happy day, it will be everything she hoped for. With death comes new life, with marriage comes hope for the future and with plans, comes renewed faith. Milestones, they can make or break you and you can never outrun them but if you embrace them, even the small ones, even the hard ones, they can leave you feeling refreshed, they can leave you hopeful and most of all, they can leave you inspired.