and I'll find strength in pain

Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting. I fight for everything. How do some people skim through life so easily and anything I do is a challenge? I know that my trials make me who I am and make me strong but its really hard to be strong, when you just can't find the strength. I fought for Lily, I fought cancer (no, it wasn't full blown, but it will be back, it will), I fought through three deaths last year, I fought through my grandmothers diagnosis of breast cancer, my dad's deteriorating health and colon surgery and my mothers blood clots, I fought for my house, I fought for a memorial tattoo for my body, I fought for a dog and lost, I fought for my second baby in heaven and lost and I'm fighting for another baby. When do I get a chance to have something go easy for me? Maybe its just the gloomy rainy weather today, maybe its all the pregnancy announcements lately that I'm not a part of, maybe I'm one of those people who finds strength in pain. You know that saying "if its worth fighting for, then get your gloves"  But there comes a point when you've fought all you can fight and given it your best, when do you stop? When do you realize that the gloves have to come off and that you've been defeated? I'm a fighter baby, and I'm not giving up.

I have post-its for everything, I mean everything. My brain is on post-its, I should buy stock. Anyway, my post it for this morning reads " IUI Insurance, Tequila" If one doesn't work out move onto the other, right? Kidding! (well sort of, I just don't want people thinking I'm an alcoholic and send me emails regarding drinking and pregnancy, ha!) I read on a fellow blog a few months ago that there is an insurance company that covers a few states that also provides IUI insurance however, you can't let them know beforehand that you're a crazy infertile because they would classify it as a 'pre-existing condition'. I'm not sure how it works, so I sign up for IUI coverage and the same week I get my card show up at the RE's office? How do you do that without looking shady? I really don't even care as long as I can get at least one IUI cycle done for around $300. I will piss rainbows onto that 'pre-existing condition'! And as for the other part of the post-it, the hub's birthday is Saturday, we're doing dinner at Chili's with his fam and some of mine and then going to back our house for cupcakes and margaritas! He's not a drinker but I will fully partake in some birthday celebrations margs, don't judge me.

I thank god everyday for my inner circle of friends, the ones who know me to my core and send me "I Love you's" when they know my day has been overwhelming, the ones who shoot me a quick email to say they said a prayer for me last night, the ones who really care about me, amidst all that is going on in their lives, they remember. The ones who don't show sympathy, but support. The ones who care enough to give me their honest advice and opinions without worrying if it will hurt my feelings. The ones who remember my Dr's appointments and know as much about my cycle as I do. I love these girls. I love that when my week is proving to be too strong they pick me up, every time. They get me and I would have thrown in the towel by now, without them. Thank you girls, your amazing friendship does not go unnoticed. I hope that I can always be here for you, in the ways you've been here for me.

My dear friend  told me to listen to this song yesterday, it's been in his head all week and it was so appropriate, like he subconsciously knew, that I needed this.