detox, of sorts

Lily Grace started going to a babysitter at the ripe age of six weeks so leaving her with someone and to come back to her at the end of the day is nothing new to her, nor me however, she's been with the same group of kids, same provider for her entire life where rules weren't as strict, where a routine wasn't as planned and where most of the learning, was taught by leap frog and Dora. This was her first big step into the world of change and her journey into life. I'm excited for her and as we walked in, she hid behind a shy smile but by the time I left, she was already asking "Miss Cookie" if she could play with the paint. She's brave and as funny as it sounds, I gain a lot of strength from her. She's strong like her momma, and together we help each other. I did leave out the fact that she has had a terrible attitude lately, one of those, makes you want to hang yourself with the onion rings she's throwing, attitudes. I think the new routine, and the structure will coincide with helping contain her sassy girl ways, er god I hope so anyway. I know the first week or so may be a little difficult for her, that girl is set in her ways, another trait inherited from me. Its going to be a whole new realm for her and just the beginning of her future, nothing but up from here little one.

As she finds strength to barrel through her own emotional detox, I am doing the same. I keep busy, you know those worker bees that travel at insane rates of speed from flower, to flower, back to the nest, make a shit ton of honey and start all over? Yeah, add a shot of Monster energy and you have me. I have to keep my mind busy, busy on anything other than what it wants to drift off too. I clean, I cook, I rearrange, I clean some more, I even succumbed to washing Lily's car seat cover and if you've ever seen that thing, you'll know that's a half day project in itself, disgusting. I'll do whatever, to keep my mind straight. For the love of god, I even kept my dentist appointment yesterday just so I had some other purpose, something else to do. I then made a trip to the grocery store. What? Haven't you ever seen a woman with a gossip magazine, wine and steakums? This whole quit-whatever-habit-you-have 'cold turkey' thing is proving to be much harder than I thought, because no matter how busy you keep, or what other life happenings are going on, you still hurt and your heart, is still heavy. No amount of 'comfort' food is enough, the new phone that was supposed to keep you occupied for a few days, only keeps you occupied for a couple of hours. Every song on the radio seems to pertain to your exact situation. The only place I'm really able to let my guard completely down and let lose all emotion tied to this, is at the cemetery, with TJ. sounds depressing as hell, right? I promise, I'm not going to hang myself with onion rings.  You can throw yourself into anything but the pain, you can't outrun. It always finds a way to creep up inside of you, that black cloud seems to follow you around even on the sunniest of days and the more you try to block it out, the worse it gets. You have to deal with it, you have to cope with it and finally, accept it. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, my brother and I are a lot alike in that way, something about how we grew up, don't ask, dont tell. The easiest feelings to fake, are those to fool someone else and while holding all your emotion in and figuring it out in your head by yourself isn't healthy, I'm not one to burden any one with my shit. unless you're a faithful blog reader, then you get it all. Thanks, btw. I took the first big step, well, I was given a little shove in the right direction anyway, by deleting numbers from my phone, numbers attached to people, who are not healthy in my moving forward. This was hard, that step which may seem so simple, was actually one of the hardest because not only are you removing those numbers from your phone, but from your life. You are deleting people behind these numbers and no matter how unhealthy they are, they were still a part of your life and these decisions will make, or break you. Like a maple tree losing leaves in the fall, you feel lost and bare but I try to find some comfort in knowing that come springtime, you will be green and thriving, it gives you a sense that this isn't the beginning of the end, its only the beginning.

In other news, I finally had to call my DR office regarding my progesterone results from last Thursday, the nurse says "it looks like you're still not ovulating, so increase your Clomid to 150mg, or three pills." HELLO, Nurse, this is earth, where the fuck have you been? I haven't been on Clomid in a year, and what makes you freaks think it would work this time around when it never worked the first time. I told them I need an HSG, I know my body and I'm not wasting anymore time or money on medications that after 5 previous cycles, clearly do not work for me. If there's a blockage in the tubes, ain't no amount of Clomid going to get that freakin' egg to do pirouettes out of my tubes. Time for a new office? Yes, yes it is. I'm calling tomorrow.