fire in the sky, can't you see that all my castles are burning?

Bridges. We walk them. We jump from them. We stand in awe of their structural beauty. We watch them crumble into small fragments of debris after explosions and most certainly, we burn them. Sometimes unintentionally, sometimes knowing full well that's exactly what we're doing but always, it always hurts to see the wreckage, and to feel the aftermath of a fire in the sky. To pick up the pieces that are left behind seems to be harder than leaving them there to form as one with their surroundings. I'm learning just how devastating this can be. I'm right in the middle of it, ash falling onto my shoulders, watching my world through shattered pieces of glass.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm the ghost of a total stranger and I can see things happening right in front of me but no matter what I do, the outcome doesn't change. I know I always say all the right things and yet, I still can't change. Why is it so hard? There is nothing wrong with change as long as its in the right direction. I can see all the elements of my life that I need to change and for the life of me, can't. I've never had a weight problem but I imagine its a lot like that. Just one more muffin won't hurt, but then you are devastated when you step on the scale, yet time and time again, you give in. Its a vicious cycle and pain itself, is an addiction. Compromise, you can't always get what you want, give a little, get a little. You can seclude yourself in this cocoon you create of your life but eventually, reality will bite you in the ass. You don't come out a glorious butterfly, you wake up in the real world where things are nothing as they seemed. You come out beaten and bruised and in a world that is nothing like the one created in your head. But you have to open your eyes, you have to take on reality, guns blazing. We all have a weakness, a strength. We're all good at something, terrible at something else. We give and take and these elements make us who we are. I believe if you're not going to do something, be something or adventure into something who heartily, then there is no point in doing it. If you're not going to give it your all, don't do it at all. I also know that being a hard head comes with a price, it can make you appreciate everything on another level or, it can make even the easiest elements of life, difficult. Some things though, you can't learn the hard way. Some things, you have to know before its too late. You can chose to have the life you want to live, even if that means slapping a band aid over a hole in your heart, even if you feel like that hole will remain in your heart for the rest of your life, you can chose to keep that band aid over it, and move on. You can chose what's right for your family over what you want. That's the great thing about life, the possibilities are endless and there are options, even in the worst of situations. The problem is, finding the strength to push against the pain in your heart and be a better person, be a better you, build your character and have faith that whatever decision you make, was the right one. No looking back, only pushing forward. My husband is amazing and is taking our situation remarkably well, it shows his character, his strength and his love for our family. His views and faith that making it over this speed bump in our road, will only make our bond stronger. I have to be better, stronger and face the pain of this head on. There are no solutions, no easy answers to pain, you just have to fight through it, because you can't outrun it and life always makes more.  "Well it seems as if all my bridges have been burned, But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works. Its not the long walk home that will change this heart, But the welcome I receive with the restart.."

I've learned that even the most irrevocable damage can be forgiven but the scars will forever remain. I'm learning that the bridge, can be rebuilt. It may take months, it may take years but that bridge can be rebuilt. I'm learning that its not what life throws your way, its how you react to it and above all I'm learning that "faith makes things possible, not easy."