Pardon me, while I burst into flames

Disappointment is a part of life, you can never get away from it and when you think you do, life makes more. I had made plans Sunday to meet my friend and her family at the lake near her house, I had run it by the hub earlier in the week and to my understanding, that was fine. I told the little what we'd be doing Sunday and that we'd see her friends so naturally, she's excited. Come Sunday morning, the hub decides he's too tired and claims he never gave the 'ok' to go. {insert brief argument here} Generally I would just say fine you don't have to go, and Lily and I would have went but it was definitely a 'don't push your luck' kind of day, so I had to break the news to Lily since I was the one who told her we were going when in fact, we weren't. Que total emotional breakdown. I hate letting her down and the hub only made it better by saying you should have never told her until the plans were confirmed you mean until YOU decided the plans were confirmed? but disappointment is a building block, you have to learn that being disappointed comes with life. Its not always rainbows and butterflies, sometimes things don't go as planned, sometimes things don't go, at all. It builds character, just like being in line at the store and she picks the cheapest toy, the one that would make her smile from ear to ear to have it but you don't buy it this time. You can't buy something every time. As much as I would love to see that smile come across her face of pure delight, and on occasion I go wild and give into the $1 slinky, you can't always get something in the check out line. As parents we try to instill these values into our children without overbearing. As adults we 'forge ahead' to what's next. As infertile's we are given even more of a reason to fight. We know disappointment like no other, every month we're left running to the store for a box of tampons because we held out 'just in case' we weren't going to need them, even worse is the ache in our arms to cradle a baby of our own. Its hard, hard to stand up after we're knocked down each month and even harder to make the decision to continue with the next cycle. The hardest decision? when to take the gloves off and realize you've been defeated. We're natural born fighters, the swimmers of our fathers (gross, I know) fought out all the other swimmers, we're born to compete and to fight so naturally, not fighting, is uncharted water. At some point we may have to let ourselves float in uncharted waters and live in the bullshit world of 'if it happens, it happens'. I have to say though, staying afloat in that world sounds so much more appealing than the current treading to stay above water that consumes my TTC life now. My chart is very inconsistent and I'm almost certain I haven't ovulated in a few months so now our slim chances of conceiving on our own aren't slim chances anymore, they are no chances. My OB was able to get me in this morning at 8:40, I like the early appointments, generally I can get in and out before the preggo parade starts coming through however that was not the case on this shitshow of a day. First person I see is this twenty something with a spandex dress on, snuggling as close to her bod as it could with a glorious 8 month baby bump. bitch. Ok, I sit with my back towards her, forget shes even there. Out comes a couple in their thirties with their 6 year old and sonogram pictures in tow, they were boasting about just finding out what they are going to have (a girl, btw), passing the pictures back and forth and smiling at me as if I were a part of the celebration. I could barely get the slightest smile out without ugly crying right there in the middle of the office. Seriously? Finally after what always seems like an eternity I was called back only to discuss that before jumping ahead with the expensive HSG, I have to go in for blood work on the 18th and 'we'll go form there' 'Hi, DOC, remember me? We've been 'going from there' for two years now. I don't even know why I'm wasting more money on tests or with him, I should just save it all for the RE and the IUI. I'm scared to death of going through with the IUI, its our only shot at it and while I remain hopeful, I also have to prepare myself for the worse, the option of it not working and how I'm going to feel if it doesn't.  I'm tired of treading water, but I'm not ready for uncharted water. I'm not sure what my 'plan' is and maybe all my unanswered prayers are blessings in disguise and one day, one day I'll welcome the big ocean with open arms because that will be my only option. Nothing comes without a fight, doors will always close and people will doubt you but endurance pays off.