straight arrows & wiggly circles

"Biology says that we are who we are from birth, that our DNA is set in stone, unchangeable. Our DNA doesn't account for all of us though, we're human. Life changes us. We develop new traits. Become less territorial. We start competing. We learn from our mistakes. We face our greatest fears. For better or worse, we find ways to become more than our biology. The risk of course is that we can change too much to the point where we don't recognize ourselves. Finding our way back can be difficult. There's no compass, no map. We just have to close our eyes, take a step, and hope to God we get there." have I mentioned I freaking love Meredith Grey? The hub and I are approaching our seventh wedding anniversary, SEVENTH. That is an accomplishment in itself not to mention throwing in everything that we've been hit with, especially in the last few years. We were lying in bed late one night this week, talking about life, love, and all of the sort and got on the subject of change. He is exactly the same person he was the day I met him, his personality, views, everything, straight as an arrow. He's straight forward, true to his beliefs and a judger. He knows exactly who he is. Me? not so much. He described me as a wiggly circle should I be offended? and to an extent, I agree. My mood changes with the wind, I like to rearrange furniture entirely too much because I get sick of looking at it the same way for too long and same with paint. I upgrade my phone every two years and usually follow suit with my cars.  I know my likes and dislikes and I know they change every week. I have yet to find out exactly who I am but maybe that is who I am. I like change, I like variety. I like waking up on Saturday morning and the only 'plan' I have for the day is to make my cup of coffee. I like putting the little to bed on a Friday night and going out to dinner, blasting the radio the whole way there because I'm alone in my car and because I can. I like putting on different pairs of sunglasses that match my mood--stunna shades, classy Chanel's or sporty spice yes, I've named my sunglasses, I'm not denying the fact that I'm crazy. I wear many a hat and I don't think there is anything wrong there, I don't think who I am changes and I never modify myself to fit certain places, people or events. I'll put away the heels from Friday night for my flats on Sunday. I wrecked my hair dying it multiple times because I wanted to switch things up. I love impromptu trips for ice cream or to the playground for no particular reason other than to hear Lily talk about it for the next few days. I'll run three miles then eat a steak and cheese trying to balance out exercise and the fat kid that dwells within my body. I don't think these many hats change who you are, they make you who you are. I think change and balance go hand in hand and change is good, except when you change so much that you don't recognize yourself. Because the truth is, life changes us. Trauma, death, sickness, infertility, second chances. Change is constant. How we experience change that's up to us.  At what point do your realize when you've changed too much when your husband calls you a wiggly circle? What if you can't find your way back to your pre-life-shat-on-me self? I think the answer is easy, you don't. You embrace whats in front of you, you adapt to the changes life has given you and you believe that the people that mean the most will hop on that wiggly circle train with you. If you can accept your flaws, details of your character and love then that's when you find yourself. Maybe change is how you find out who you are, part of the process of figuring yourself out, maybe we'll never really know who we are. All of these things, phases, stages are building blocks to finding yourself.  He said you don't need tattoos and piercings or beer and girls night to make you beautiful or to define yourself  but those things don't define me. I'm all about those things but they don't define who I am. I am a mom and a great employee. I'm an infertile with a fake smile at baby showers. I'm the skinny bitch in the corner at the OB's office fighting back tears. I'm a warm summer day with my dyed hair blown all around. I'm a margarita on the rocks and a sweet southern tea when need be. I'm a good book by the fire with a glass of wine and a cold beer on the deck on a hot day. I'm a Saturday out on the town and a church girl on Sunday Brad Paisley reference there, hollerr! I'm a listener, lover and stealer of the pink jelly beans. I've got some of the best friends who pick me up, every time I'm down and a three year old smile that is tethered to my soul and I totally just embraced my wiggly circle. And I'm content, with my wiggly circle and knowing that I may never know exactly who I am. I'm no where near perfect, I cry when I'm mad, I laugh when I'm uncomfortable, I lose my patience, I hate confrontation, I'm spoiled, I'm hard headed and always learn things the hard way, I let my guard down way too easily, I refer to my cervix as an old withered bitch and I have emotional band aids over wounds in my heart. I am crazy and I am flawed but I am secure within myself because of these things. Some things though, some things will never change. The unconditional love for my daughter, my tatted up body that ties me to certain people and places, three small stretch marks that I have such pride in because I have carried a baby in my body, the beginnings of laugh lines around my eyes and my total love for chick-fil-a milkshakes ;)  I've found myself in things, places and people, I've surrounded myself with the best in everything and strive daily to mix life up and one thing I know I'm not, is a straight arrow. And I'm content with that.

My stunna' shades are calling me today! Happy weekend, friends!

count your blessings to find what you look for

The party was a hit and the rain for the most part held off until the end. Fairy houses have been painted, dried and are in the rooms of Lily's best friends. The pixie sticks in the goody pails have long been emptied. A Princess vanity, barbies and Dora guitar have found their new place in our home.  Grass-stained tights have been washed and put away. Pictures hold the memories of a day celebrating the littles life on earth. I have the most amazing people in my life, the mist, overcast and cooler than normal temperatures didn't keep anyone from coming. I'm blessed in so many ways. When I step out of the box and look in and see this three year old little girl with a big heart and an even bigger attitude, who poses with her hands on her hips, who talks in song and has such a genuine love for life, it takes my breath away. I can learn so much from her. She thinks she needs me but really, I need her.

The rest of the weekend was completely uneventful. I didn't even brush my teeth yesterday until 3pm sexy, right? We spent most of the day finding homes for toys, cleaning and we did a lot of movie watchin' on the couch. I finished up the wedding favors for my brothers upcoming wedding. The dirt has been filled in pots and the sunflower seeds have been planted, now, if only I can keep them from looking like any other plant I've ever owned than we'll be in good shape. This is a lot of pressure and commitment for me to get them sprouting and keep them alive for three more weeks. If I fail, I'm totally just going to get fake ones and replace them. Good friends always have a back-up plan. I met the bride for dinner at a new Mexican place it was so sub par to El Agave btw and a bud light of course and was asked to do the toast at the wedding. I think my first reaction seemed to frighten her, I'm not a public speaker, it scares the shit out of me but I kicked my fear to the side and am totally excited about it! The only other place since HS that I've done any public speaking was at my friends funeral service and if I can get through that without looking like a rambling ratard Hangover reference there, I just said that in my best Alan voice then I can kick a wedding toast's ass! Maybe I'll be able to gather further motivation if I sit close to the keg! We'll be surrounded by a bunch of friends and family and people I know so I'm just going to wing it and speak from the heart without getting all non-preggo hormonal. I'm honored to play such a big part in their special day and couldn't be more excited for them to start their life together. Wait a second, I may have a toast right there! ;)

its clear to see, she was sent for me.



Three, bitches.

 I'm finding it very hard to believe that this time THREE years ago I was lying in a hospital bed listening to the heartbeat of my unborn baby girl on the fetal monitor and watching curiously as each contraction would bring me closer to meeting the love of my life. I can remember every detail of that day, I can still feel the seven pound weight of her body lying on my chest. I can still feel her heart beat as if its my own. Its days like today that we realize that its not just where we are from but, who we've become. I've overcome obstacles, laughed when I felt like crying and pushed through when I all I wanted to do was give up. I've seen Lily Grace grow and change in the last few years and can't tell you how proud she makes me. I can't quite put into words how thankful I am for her. We were blessed with her arrival three years ago today and oh what a blessing she truly is, I appreciate her more than she will ever know. It was a long, hard road to meeting her and one day she'll know just what a miracle she is. This overwhelming amount of love I have in my heart? it began with her. She inspires me everyday to be a better wife, mom, a better me. I know heartache and strength like no other but I also know pure love like no other, because of her. I've seen her develop into a little girl over these three years, an amazing, inspirational, I'm going places in this world, little girl. She's my bossy, blonde haired, air guitar playin', perfect little pixie who is quick to stand her ground, speaks right from the soul and will tell you every time, when she's happy. She's going places, she dances to the beat of her own drum and I will be there, every step of the way. I promise that I'll balance friendship and parenting, guidance and authority. I promise to keep secrets and stay up too late a time or two watching movies. I promise to be the 'cool' mom without embarrassing you. I promise to be at every game, play or competition you're ever in and I promise we'll always get milkshakes, play the air guitar and sing our hearts out to The Band Perry when we've had bad days. I promise to give you the best of me, all my life because you saved me by bringing me you.

Happy third birthday, Lily Grace! I want you to know today and always that I will be here always, wherever life takes you, I'll be here.

"I cross my heart, and promise too, I'll give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true. In all the world you'll never find a love as true as mine."

Because nothing in this life warms my heart as much as playing this song as loud as we can and still being able to hear her angelic three year old voice own every word of it. Give me a sunny day. Sunglasses. a little air guitar and my soul mate singing her heart out in the back seat. I love this life, this life that has her in it. She makes my soul, free. Here's to you, Lily Grace, for being the most open minded, awesome three year old I've ever met.You were born to do big things, you're going to kick life's ass! Love you, boo.

my greatest blessing calls me mommy

I'm lucky enough to have three mothers in my life and am thankful for each one for shaping me into the person I am today and guiding me through my journey in motherhood. My mom, although we've had our differences along the way and haven't seen eye to eye on many things, one thing we always agree on, is our pure respect and admiration for each other. She and my dad have always been the first and sometimes the only people to tell me how proud they are of me, as a daughter, wife, an employee and a mother. They provided me with the foundation to grow and mature into the person I am. My mom has supported me in everything I do, she's always been just a phone call away and will always drop anything she's doing to help me out. I take pride in making them proud, the values she's given me give me the strength to continue to be successful in more ways that she could know.

My second mom, Judy. She has been in my life for almost 20 years and has played a big part in who I have become. Growing up she was the 'cool' mom. The one you could talk to about anything and was always a 'judgement free' zone. She is still the cool mom and in most ways I'm closer to her than my own mom, she knows all my secrets, my ins and outs, up and downs and all because, she never judges me. I can be my complete and total self around her with no reservations and I always leave knowing she loves me.  She's the strongest person I know, overcoming a parent's worst nightmare of losing a child. She exudes strength like no other and even when she has 'bad' days, we can still see the strength beneath the tears.  She inspires me everyday to live for the day, she makes me happy, she makes me, me.

My mother in law, Rita. The giver, she would spend all her money buying for her children and grand-children. Nothing makes her more happy than getting up early on a Saturday morning to find the best yard sales in town. She loves to give. Rarely does she come home with something for herself, she spends hours picking out the best Gymboree clothes for the babies because giving makes her happy. We also had our differences in the raising of my child and I can take that in stride now, she's a nurturer and its hard for her to let someone else do the nurturing. She exudes love for her loved ones, her favorite place is anywhere her family is. After all, isn't that what is most important in life? your family. I'm thankful to have married into such a loving, welcoming, giving family.

With such great influences in my life, I strive everyday to absorb everything I can from these amazing ladies. I can only hope that I can be as great of a mother as they are as I continue down my journey of parenthood. I hope to have a strong relationship with my daughter, balancing friendship and being a parent, balancing honesty and overbearing and giving her the best of me, every day of my life. I know being a parent is a challenge but I also know the hurt that comes along with not being able to really celebrate Mother's Day, I know how much this upcoming day sucks for an infertile, I know the pain and silent grief that hides behind the smile of an infertile on a day like today and I know just how blessed I am. Wherever my path in life takes me, no matter what gets thrown my way, I'm a survivor. I was born to be stubborn, to be a little bitchy, to push people and push myself. I was taught to never take life for granted, to live a little and love with everything I had, to never give up, to believe in myself but most of all, fight for myself.

Happy Mother's Day!

infertility adventures & a temp rise!

Oh wait, whats that I see? A temp rise! I'm either 4DPO or 1DPO, either way I'm onto the two week wait! I guess its better late than never, right? Its funny how a temperature can either make or break you. I used to take my temperature and look at the number as soon as I took it, bad idea, you could never fall back asleep because either a.) you were so mad that it wasn't what it should be or b.) you couldn't wait to get that sucker entered into fertility friend so you could actually see the awesomeness that the temperature was. I take it, the thermometer saves it and I look at it when I am up for good. This system works much better for me, especially on days that my temperature has satisfied me and has me feeling good. Other things that have me feeling good today? A hot cup of coffee from the amazing bakery two blocks from my office, delivered by the maintenance man--an older, speaks from the heart, loves to fish, genuine good person. A new bra that I spent way to much money on at Victoria's secret but it makes my boobs look good. The good leftovers for lunch awaiting me in the fridge, bbq that slow cooked all day yesterday and all the favorite fixin's that go with it. An impromptu trip to Redbox and to get ice cream on Friday evening alone--as in just my ipod, my purse and myself. An at-home pedicure for me and the little, matching piggies makes her happy. It may be Monday, but Monday is looking good.

As good as I am at trying to find the good in things one thing I'm not good at, is making decisions. I'm the most indecisive person you will ever meet. I can't make a decision on anything, ever. Its not that things aren't good enough or I spend hours stressing over things, its just I genuinely don't care and not a I'm a bitch and don't care but a whatever decision is made is fine with me don't care. I'm just really easy going, I can't ever chose the restaurant in a group of friends because I can find something from anywhere that I'll like, I like trying new places, I'll carry a shirt around Kohl's for an hour and put it back at the last minute because I finally figure I don't really need it. I'll spend half an hour choosing between the same shoe in two different colors because I can't decide which one I like more. I like it when the hub sees a road and wonders where it goes and I say "Go down it, lets see!" I.love.adventures. Adventures of any kind. Adventures in the sense of new roads or new recipes, new experiments and adventuring into the unknown mind of a three year old which, by the way, you will never understand. I love the uncertainty that comes along with it and the free feeling you get when you're on a road with nowhere you have to be and you have all the time in the world to get there. I'm really trying to use this same adventure passion and introduce it to my infertility struggle. I'm 25, I've got plenty of time to have more kids, this struggle is just another adventure, a try a few different roads until you get where you're going adventure. Its not going to be my infertility struggle anymore, its my infertility adventure. I see nothing but open roads and opportunities.

mindless happiness & infertility warriors

"I'm happy!" were the words that made my soul smile one morning this past week on the way to work. After all, isn't that all we want to hear as parents? We want healthy, growing, happy children. I love children, they have no sensors and are so pure, they speak right from their soul because that's all they know. I love their un-altered way of thinking and the way they look right past you sometimes as if they are smiling at the angels around you. They are angels among us and I never feel so close to god as when I'm in the presence of a child. The sun was just starting to rise over the mountains making her little blonde curls glow. She said "Sunshine, I missed you!" (it's been a gloomy couple of days) Sunshine makes her happy, she is me. There is nothing in the world that makes me as happy as sunshine on my shoulders. There we were, a beautiful spring morning, sun was shining, we were sharing our favorite chocolate chip muffins and singing our hearts out to The Band Perry, all was right in this world. 'Mindless happiness--not being happy because of something in particular but being happy because I'm happy.' We were happy. I like this mood I've been in all week, it looks good on me.

We're in the midst of a government furlough, or shut down and I'm starting to FREAK OUT a little. The hub is a government contractor and also the breadwinner in our family. All this means is that if he's out of work for an unknown amount of time, we may be living off of Ramen noodles for awhile. What do they expect people to do? You can't just go around and close up shop because you can't come to an agreement. We are people, we have houses, cars, lives and we need you, government, to be there. Our soldiers are out on the front line defending our freedom, what about their families? This makes me think of all the people that lost their jobs at the beginning of the foreclosure crisis, I feel for them. The stress and worry that comes along with wondering how you can provide for your family without a job. I know he will go back to work but the days to come that he is essentially jobless makes this cold world all too unwelcoming and real.

Infertility is a heart-wrenching, faith-questioning, relationship-testing, life-altering experience. April is Infertility Awareness Month. Whether a friend, a family member, or you, yourself have fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of women are fighting day in & day out. Post this as your status (on fb) if YOU or someone you know has walked through hell & back just for the slightest chance to be a MOM. After all, we'd all do anything for our children, unborn or born. We will fight until we can't fight anymore. To all my infertility girls, we know pain and disapointment like no other, but we also know strength like no other. We bruise our bellies with shots, we're stuck with needles multiples times a week, we have more people hovering around our vag than we'd like, we've experienced loss, we've recovered from loss, we set our alarm clocks every single day to take our temperature, we suffer through hulk-like side effects from new medications, we put on big fakes smiles at other people's baby showers, we put a band-aid over the hole in our soul, hoping it will help mend the pain, we are strong.

happy state of mind. oh, & Clint Eastwood

Happiness. I think if we all thought of it as a state of mind, a mood, rather than a destination, people would find happiness a lot more often. It can be as simple as an ice cold cup of water waiting for you after you've made yourself run two miles. It can be as sweet as the tea you're sipping in the company of good friends. I can be as beautiful as seeing your first spring blooms popping through the mulch and feeling like its Christmas morning because you can't remember what you planted in the fall. It can be as rewarding as seeing your almost three year old doing something on her own, that you only showed her how to do, moments before. It can come in the form of a tiny pill that gives you so much hope for this month's cycle. It's random texts from people who are cheering you on from the sidelines. Its a fresh coat of paint on a wall that you've been neglecting far too long. It's pumpkin spice in the fall and a frappacino in the summer. It's dinner parties with new friends or celebrating a birthday with 13 of your favorite people and laughing so hard that you're in tears. Happiness is all around us. Live in that moment, drink it in. Happiness is a mood, so it comes and goes. Be happy, now.

On another note, that almost three year old I was talking about? Not happy. Happiness has been far from her range of emotions lately. I remember at her two year appointment, the DR asked about her behavior and such and told me that for girls, their "terrible two's" tend to happen at three. I laughed, if we make it through these two's than I  can handle threes. Clearly he went home that night and make a voo-doo doll of yours truly and pinned in right in my patience. She's a really good girl, she's always slept well, listened pretty well but here lately I'm almost positive she's the spawn of Satan. Belligerent, bossy, dramatic three's. Bad things come in three's right? If this is just the beginning then we are in for one hell of a ride. You know the mom on the news who leaves her kids at home and drives her minivan into the river? I know why she did it--Three's. Dear lord of the three's, please let me not be that mom, give me the strength to not turn into Hulk and destroy her toys, bless me with with 20 minutes of me time to partake in a nice shower or running sesh preferably a shower that does not involve me crying in the corner with cold water running because I don't want to get out or a running sesh that does not include blasting the stereo ridiculously loud to drown out the whining. With these things, I think I may make it through the three's. These things and margs.

"You've got to ask yourself one question. 'Do I feel lucky?' "Well, do ya punk?" THE Clint Eastwood is coming to our town, our little town. He will be here tomorrow, he will bring with him the most noise our town has ever heard. He's producing a movie and starring Leonardo DiCaprio (hollerrr!). The scene they are doing is located at the courthouse, 2 blocks from my work. Am I going to try and get a sneak peek you ask? Hell yeah! Our courthouse is one of the nicest courthouses, ever. It still has all of the original architecture and stadium seating. I mean, I haven't actually witnessed the courtroom and plan to never see it ever unless its in a big movie directed by Clint Eastwood. However, an auditor I work with frequents courthouses and said ours is that good. There will be many street closures and a few mad business owners but whatever, its Clint Eastwood, bitches.