The Lorax knows his shit & I made the paper!

I’m falling behind on posts, I know it’s terrible but I’ve been extremely busy (in a good way!) I got a job after just one week of being laid off, sucketh the dick of life on that one, old boss.  It’s doing what I did before but just for one company and, I love it. I see people, I like the girl I work with and I get to say fuck whenever I want because it’s just a bunch of construction guys. AND, I was in the paper after being here for 3 days, yep, we’re local celebrities here. I really wanted to stack a shit ton of papers in front of my old bosses door, ya know, to make sure she saw that I got a job and that even though she kicked me when I was down, I have too much fight in me to stay down. I would even autograph it for her.

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I was totally jammin’ to a newbie song on the radio, like windows down, music loud, head bobbin jammin’. I got to work and youtubed it because when I find a new song I play the shit out of it until I can no longer stand it and it was JUSTIN BEIBER. I was all omg, am I really madly in love with a Bieber song? This can’t be happening. It really happened and now I’m secretly excited for Lily to like him so I can secretly love going to his concerts. However, I sang the chorus so much that she told me to stop, that she didn’t like that song. This means I have to refrain from my obnoxious belts of “IF I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND!” for a while and let her hear the actual song herself and maybe buy her a milkshake while doing so, that way she will like him.

In all fairness, it is glorious. Do you ears a favor and listen to it.



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Easter was a little different this year; I celebrated with Lily on Saturday doing all things Easter and saw her for a little on Sunday. While I know it’s still hard for her to really understand exactly what’s going on, she is adjusting better by the day. I’m trying to mend relationships with those that have fallen apart, I’m trying to work through the massacre that was January and the crazy pills that caused it, I’m looking towards the future, I’m done looking back…and to some people’s amazement, I’m standing on my own two feet. It feels good. It’s a weird feeling, I saw a thank you card that a lady friend sent my husband for flowers and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about it, but it made me glad. Glad that someone appreciates him like he should be appreciated, glad that he can and will be happy again. I want him to be happy, he deserves it. Everyone does. I know it doesn’t come that easy, I know there will be more tears shed, I know there is still a long road ahead and I know that the waiting is the hardest part but it will all be worth it in the end, things have a funny way of working out like that. You have to follow your heart, it won’t let you down. No matter what people think of your choices, only you know what you feel in your heart. You are your only judge and like the Lorax says, “those who matter, don’t mind and those who mind, don’t matter”. When you know better, you do better. You don’t have to hold yourself hostage for who you used to be or what you used to do. I haven’t made the best decisions, or considered other people’s feelings as much as I should but I’m a work in progress. I have a thriving little girl, a home with people who love me, friends who are my biggest support, a job I love and wine, of course. I am blessed.

I fight for what I love and love what I fight for

*WARNING: I allow myself to wallow in self pity only a few times a year, this post is one of those occasions. If you don't care to wallow with me, read no more.

We have an unfinished room in our basement dubbed "the liquor room" because when we moved in the previous owners left their stash behind  and in this room is all of our crap that has no where else. Holiday decorations, randomness from the move that has no 'place' and mountains of baby stuff--all the baby stuff Lily has outgrown. I've been holding onto it, for the next. We were discussing plans for the liquor room, which we would like to turn into a gym but first, we have to do something with the crap that is in there now. Maybe we should just sell all the baby stuff? My 'when' we have a baby has turned into 'if' and 'if' by chance we happen to get pregnant, we'll just get new stuff. I don't think it was until then, when we were standing there surrounded by all the baby stuff that when turned into if. We could go spend thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant and not be successful. I've been doing a lot of research on my procedure I had in '09 and I'm more and more convinced that if I can get pregnant and stay pregnant it really will be a miracle. The amount of tissue they removed from my cervix in my surgery determines if we will have another baby. The amount they removed also determines the strength of my cervix which determines if I will be able to carry a baby to term. I will never give up on it, I'll try until my body won't allow me to try anymore but my views have changed, I can't rely on medications or temping, I can't 'plan' sex or drink fertility tea because none of that matters. My cervix was comprimised and may be so forever. I wish I would have read more about the procedure then, read more into the infertility effects, not that I could have postponed it? oh hey highly cancerous cells of my cervix, please revisit in five years when I'm done childbearing, k?thanks. Maybe I didn't beat cancer after all, maybe it beat me.

The hub had his semen analysis this morning, finally and the results were as we expected, completely normal. Average motility is 20 million and his was 75 million if that doesn't make a man proud I don't know what will, ha! Not that I'm not excited that there isn't a problem there, but had there been at least maybe we would have an answer or a problem to 'fix'.  His DR suggested that I get in touch with my OB/GYN, that there may be scar tissue that is keeping us from conceiving, why wouldn't my DR think of this? I'm way too grounded to be excited about a 'fix' so I will make an appointment with my DR and we will go from there. I haven't been temping much this cycle, just here and there to get an idea where I'm at in my cycle and to be honest, for the first time in a year I have no idea what cycle day I'm even on. Its nice to not be worried about when we have to have sex or limiting caffiene intake in case I'm ovulating soon but sad at the same time because its like in a sense, I'm giving up on pregnancy. The tests, temping, googling of fertility massages all makes me feel like at least I'm trying even if I know it won't help, I've done all I can and thats all I can do. All thats left? having peace in the thought of Lily being my only and when I go home and study her and wallow in the awesomeness that she is, I have peace. She saved me, from being everything I hate about myself. She is my strength because no matter what road I end up on, no matter where life takes me, I will always have my peace in her.

Grieving. We all need to grieve. It can be as complex as a perfectly planned cycle that fails, the passing of a loved one or as simple as dropping your very last chip on the floor and surpassing the five second rule. Its a part of life, a necessary part of moving forward. You have to allow yourself time, even if its just a second, to mourn. After your time is up, you move on. You gather your thoughts, trying to piece them together and you look forward.  Since the passing of my dear friend, TJ I've been trying to focus on the good in life, its there. The miracles are all around us and he is helping me to see it. It comes in the form of a momma bird building a nest for her littles in a tree at the cemetery, its a song that comes on the radio just as your losing all hope, its a stranger whom remembers a small detail of your lost ones life, its healing in the form of crying, its a new doctor with a new protocol that renews your faith and my personal favorite, a CFA milkshake on a gorgeous day with the windows down, blasting The Band Perry and watching your three year old own it because your day has sucked. Its these little moments in life that remind us to keep going, that the good in life will always outweigh the bad, the happy will always outweigh the hurt, the laughter will be heard over the tears and to sing your little heart out to your favorite song because without fail, it will always make you feel better.

Suck it, self pity!

lets get it on

This is O week, I will O this week, by Thursday! That's a great thing about Clomid, you actually know when you're going to ovulate. Lot's of sex and butt propped up on a pillow this week. Don't call after 8 'cause you know what I'll be doin'!

It took one month to get the hub's s/a consult set up and is going to take another month for him to get a second appointment for the actual s/a. Seriously? There is one, ONE freaking urologist in two counties, he shares his time between the offices. I mean, I know a s/a isn't a life or death situation but has the DR ever met at crazy infertile--it is a life or death situation! Hub went in for the consult and the DR asked him if we're doing it on the right days, 14 days after my cycle. Whoa, whoa, whoa, its a good thing I wasn't there. Hey Doc, are you aware that we've been trying for 17 months? even accidents happen in that time frame, are you also aware that I'm more in tune with my cervical mucus and ovulation then could be classified as 'normal' not to mention I've never ovulated on CD14 a day in my life so yes, doctor, we are doing it on the right days. They sent him home with his good deeds cup and a number to schedule an appointment. I thought he could go in anytime, any day and drop the sample off. Wrong again. You have to make an appointment to meet with the DR, I guess he analyzes it on the spot. Problem is, analyzing hours are between 9-10AM, who's work schedule does that fit around? no one. We scheduled one for April 5th at 9:30 but we put on a 'cancelation' list, right, so they're going to call one day at 12:30 and have him do his deed in his work bathroom while Jimmy Brown takes a crap in the stall next to him? Don't see that panning out. I guess he'll just have to make up 3 hours of leave or just take 3 hours. Oh, the many sacrifices or hub's have to make, blahh!

I took a Personal Health Assessment Survey last night for our insurance company, we get a bonus for answering a bunch of useless questions, you know, the ones that you answer "Yes, everything in my life is perfect!" to. Very first question, "Are you pregnant?" Thanks questionnaire, for that. Very next question, "How is your mental state?" Well, after that first question, on a scale from 1-crazy infertile, ding ding, crazy infertile it is! Suck balls, survey! I wish they had a "was this helpful" box on the form, my answer would have been: "You know what would be helpful? Infertility coverage! Coverage so that I can make the counties next urologist!"

Been crazy cooped up all winter long so we tried a new restaurant in our town. It just opened in the fall and I was craving a little summer, it was a nice night, mild in the 60's and I needed beer and a good bbq. I loved this place, it's small and more of a bar than anything, It had about ten tables. It's right off of main street by the train station, so you can hear the train go by occasionally. They played loud country music and had a really nice 'down home' atmosphere. I was about half way through my bbq when a song came on. This was the song that was played at my dear friend's funeral. I hadn't heard this song since that awful October day we had to say goodbye. The tears came instantly as I was reminded that the last time I heard this song, was the last time I would ever see him. In the middle of the crowded restaurant, I cried. I couldn't stop. For those three minutes, it was like everything was in slow motion, the words penetrated into my soul as I recounted the final hours of his service. The hurt and pain flooded from my eyes. I know songs can do this, they connect you to a certain time, place or person in your life. I always hear certain song that remind me of places, or the song we danced to at our wedding but this, this was different. This song is directly connected to my soul. I would attach it, but I just can't. Maybe one day, but just not yet.

"can't you like, feel your eggs drop?"

HA. Yes, dear, I can feel my eggs drop. That would solve ALL of every one's TTC problems, ever. Sometimes my humorous hub is my only sanity in the long days waiting to O. He did suggest, however, that he have another s/a done. His last one was done 4 years ago before Lily was conceived--all was well then but it doesn't hurt to check now. He said he has pain off and on in the 'lower region'. Hmm, you don't think you could have mentioned this 14months ago? He had vericocele surgery 4 years ago and it bothers him off an on, so we'll see. I'm going to call today and set that up. If it does come back low that just makes the IUI all more the answer, which I've been seriously contemplating doing anyway.

We may add a new member to the family, a cute little min-pin! (miniature pinscher) The hub always said if we HAD to have a dog it would be a min-pin because they are small but still manly. All I heard was "I want a min-pin!" My friend works at the SPCA in my county and one was turned in THAT day (what are the chances?). She is about a year old, is being spayed today and can be adopted tomorrow! I'd like to go spend some time with her and see how Lily likes her and I've already named her--Ava. I know, that's horrible, considering we haven't seen her, my hub hates dogs and we have no dog stuff. Dogs are good for kids, he and I both had them growing up and I think it will help me, take my mind off all the ttc stuff. He thinks I want one to fill the void of not being successful at having another baby and maybe in a way I am but in the end, it would be good for all of us.