funny how a melody sounds like a memory

Hey baby, I'm a rockstar

It’s that time again, yes, Lily Grace’s birthday. Didn’t I JUST plan a birthday party for her? Seriously. How has this year flown by so quick? From where I sit in my office I can see the hospital she was born in, it’s funny, no matter how much time ever passes, I will always remember every single detail of that day that changed my life forever. So much has changed for her over this year. It’s hard not to get super emotional this go around when thinking of it. That kid is a monster, and I mean that in the best possible way. She’s gone through things that three year olds shouldn’t. She’s felt emotions that shouldn’t be tapped into until much later in life. She is a trooper. A mf’n monster! She’ll be the first to tell you what’s on her mind, whether good or bad, whether you want to hear it or not and even if it hurts. She’s walked one of the hardest lines in life, and though the balance on that line isn’t over, she maintains perfect form while doing it. I couldn’t be more proud of her, she inspires me every day to be better. This year’s birthday theme is Tangled and we’re doing the party, together. I haven’t seen most of my husband's family since the separation and aside from one of them (who won’t even be there) I have no ill feelings, I’m actually kind of excited to see them, I know some may not feel in the excitement to see me but I’m hoping it’s not awkward for anyone. It’s about Lily, it’s her day and I think with the legion of love we all share for her, we can bypass the awkwardness for two hours. We are all entwined together forever and though the love once shared between two families may not be as strong as it once was, it’s still there and a part of our hearts will always reside a small piece for one another. Lily is a piece of all of us, which makes her so perfect and the reason I know there will be an unprecedented amount of love shown for her on her big day.

*****

"Dreams aren’t meant to be understood any more than tragedy can be averted. Life happens to us. We learn to be grateful when things are good and to count our blessing when things are bad. And the only certainty in all of it is that it all just keeps happening.” I have moments of happiness, moments of sadness, moments where I push the bruise to feel the pain. I have yet to let myself heal, I don’t know that I ever fully will, maybe when my husband finds happiness that part can begin for me, maybe when Lily’s “bad” nights are no more. I get stuck in this in between of carrying everyone’s hurt and moving forward with my own happiness but I’m ok with it. I know time does its part in healing. I know I can’t dwell on things I can’t change because life does move on, with or without you. And when I do let myself feel moments of happiness, oh it’s good. Chatting with a girlfriend, hearing “I love you momma”, fishing with your hair curled and nails done with someone who makes you momentarily forget all that you are holding on your shoulders, sitting in the sun with the greatest support system anyone could have and SUMMERTIME (ok, I’m jumping the gun on that one but with these warm days, it gets me stoked). My job is going great, these doh-doh birds had no idea what they were doing however when they hired me to work with my coworker. She is exactly like me. Frightening, right? Two of us in one office, it’s pretty much the best day of people’s lives, or so I like to think. She cusses and likes wine as much as I do. I’m trying to get the guys to paint a giant mural of our faces on the wall. I’d like a unicorn body. And maybe my normal color hair. And possibly with Justin Beiber riding me, not in a dirty way. I may or may not have been kidding about the last part. The amount of coffee I’ve had today is starting to make my wirey so the last half of this post might be random, apologies. I took Lily to a rescue zoo a few weekends ago to avoid going to the National Zoo on a Saturday. It was an hour drive and $15 for both of us to get in. It only took half an hour for us to walk through and the tiger wasn’t even there. So basically, it was a bunch of snakes, birds and random hybrids no one has ever seen. I can see that in my back yard, or at work. I made us walk around twice just to make sure we didn’t miss something glorious and then we had a picnic in the back of my car, where we discussed the dumbness of our trip. I said sorry it sucked, she said “it’s ok mom, just do better next time”. She had to go to the bathroom and I wasn’t taking her back in to use the third world country porta potty’s and assumed she just had to pee. I took her to the grass if you’re judging me right now you probably shouldn’t read any further and as she’s peeing proceeds to tell me she’s pretty sure she has to poop. Seriously, Lily? Seriously. Right there in the grass, like a dog. I can see how this story might go in a few years, “yeah, mom took me to this sucky zoo, we had cold pizza in the car then I shit in the grass” awesome memories!

Happy rainy day, bloggy friends!

The Lorax knows his shit & I made the paper!

I’m falling behind on posts, I know it’s terrible but I’ve been extremely busy (in a good way!) I got a job after just one week of being laid off, sucketh the dick of life on that one, old boss.  It’s doing what I did before but just for one company and, I love it. I see people, I like the girl I work with and I get to say fuck whenever I want because it’s just a bunch of construction guys. AND, I was in the paper after being here for 3 days, yep, we’re local celebrities here. I really wanted to stack a shit ton of papers in front of my old bosses door, ya know, to make sure she saw that I got a job and that even though she kicked me when I was down, I have too much fight in me to stay down. I would even autograph it for her.

*****

I was totally jammin’ to a newbie song on the radio, like windows down, music loud, head bobbin jammin’. I got to work and youtubed it because when I find a new song I play the shit out of it until I can no longer stand it and it was JUSTIN BEIBER. I was all omg, am I really madly in love with a Bieber song? This can’t be happening. It really happened and now I’m secretly excited for Lily to like him so I can secretly love going to his concerts. However, I sang the chorus so much that she told me to stop, that she didn’t like that song. This means I have to refrain from my obnoxious belts of “IF I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND!” for a while and let her hear the actual song herself and maybe buy her a milkshake while doing so, that way she will like him.

In all fairness, it is glorious. Do you ears a favor and listen to it.



*****

Easter was a little different this year; I celebrated with Lily on Saturday doing all things Easter and saw her for a little on Sunday. While I know it’s still hard for her to really understand exactly what’s going on, she is adjusting better by the day. I’m trying to mend relationships with those that have fallen apart, I’m trying to work through the massacre that was January and the crazy pills that caused it, I’m looking towards the future, I’m done looking back…and to some people’s amazement, I’m standing on my own two feet. It feels good. It’s a weird feeling, I saw a thank you card that a lady friend sent my husband for flowers and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about it, but it made me glad. Glad that someone appreciates him like he should be appreciated, glad that he can and will be happy again. I want him to be happy, he deserves it. Everyone does. I know it doesn’t come that easy, I know there will be more tears shed, I know there is still a long road ahead and I know that the waiting is the hardest part but it will all be worth it in the end, things have a funny way of working out like that. You have to follow your heart, it won’t let you down. No matter what people think of your choices, only you know what you feel in your heart. You are your only judge and like the Lorax says, “those who matter, don’t mind and those who mind, don’t matter”. When you know better, you do better. You don’t have to hold yourself hostage for who you used to be or what you used to do. I haven’t made the best decisions, or considered other people’s feelings as much as I should but I’m a work in progress. I have a thriving little girl, a home with people who love me, friends who are my biggest support, a job I love and wine, of course. I am blessed.

rock bottom

Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. You've come to the edge of your darkness and feel you'll either be taught how to fly or find solid ground but you're left falling to a whole 'nother left of uncertainty. I was laid off from my nine year job. This only adds to the shitstorm 2012 has been for me. The only stable, certain thing in my life to this point was my job. I was completely blindsided last Tuesday. I came in like normal and everything was fine, I was in the middle of lunch and my boss asked to speak to me when I got a chance so I put my fork of mac 'n cheese down and walked in and sat down with a smile on my face. I could have never braced myself for what was to come next. "I've been thinking about downsizing for awhile and feel its the time in my life to terminate your employment, effective immediately" as in, get your shit and get to steppin'. "I know it may be a little shock to you but I didn't know where this was going. There is a box for your things, take the rest of the week. I will give you a great reference and pay you through Friday" Are you fucking kidding me? I know she could read the floored expression on my face because she was all "I know this is bad timing with all you have going on but its just time" I sat there, wordless because this was the very last thing I was expecting and I said "I'm sorry I have no emotion, I am just floored" I walked out back and just cried. I was supposed to take this business over, this is all I know, I've been here for nine years. I guess I was more hurt that she was shady enough to handle it the way she did. What, you've been thinking about it for awhile but you can't give someone who is like a daughter to you a little heads up? Even a week? SOMETHING? I gathered myself and went back in and was all "can we just talk for a minute?" So I sat back down and asked if it was me. Was it something I did, didn't do or could be doing? It had to be me, you don't just lay someone off like that. She confirmed it wasn't me, that it was the time in her life and it had to be done. With that being said, I went in and put my nine years worth of things in a box. As I finished packing my desk and put my keys on it I told her I was leaving, she went to give me a hug. I just left, had she come to me and gave me a "hey, I'm going to close up shop you might want to start looking around" a few weeks ago, this all would have been fine. It was literally rock bottom for me. Since January, my husband and I have been separated, I was asked to leave where I was living, moved in somewhere else. Some of my family won't even look at me and then I lose my job. The worst has to be over now, I'm so ready to breathe again. I'm ready to be proud again. I know god doesn't give you more than you can handle and I know he's giving me all of this, because it might break someone else. He knows I'm a fighter and maybe this job thing is a good thing. Maybe I will get a job with benefits, make more, who knows. I have to think of it as good or I'll drive right into that lake I was talking about! kidding! I've been pounding the pavement job searching. In the first week I filed for unemployment, made a resume because of course I didn't have one and sent out twelve of them bitches. Things are already starting to look up. I went for my first interview yesterday and while its a new business, its exactly what I do. I think it's a good match and after 60 days I'll be making more than I did and have health benefits. Its also still in the area, a few of the jobs I've applied for have been in the city and I really don't want the commute but when you need a job, a commute is the least of your worries. I've never had to worry about where I'm going to get money to pay my bills, how I'm going to make the mortgage payment so when your faced with the harsh reality of that, nothing motivates you more. There is one good thing about rock bottom, once you've hit it, it gives you hope that it can only get better from here. You have no where else to go but up. I have moments of weakness, more here lately than ever but I remember that I am strong. I remember that I have friends who pick me up, every single time. I remember that the past doesn't control your future. I will get this job and get off my knees and back onto my own two feet. I will get my own place so I can have Lily more. I will be better. Rock bottom changes you, it makes shit real, it makes you better and its all in how you look at it because just when you think it can't get any better, it can.

Not all those who wander, are lost. (and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked me)

Just when things start to level themselves out, you get a fucking black eye. Really? It looks like someone straight up punched me right in the eye, cut on the eyebrow and all. I need a cool story other than what really happened, so I figure I'll go with Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked me. OR it was a crack drug deal gone wrong too soon? Actually, its entirely because I'm short. I was reaching for the mac&cheese on the very top shelf, next to a giant can of beans. Beans fell, busted me IN THE FACE and blood started pouring out. So, yeah. Chuck Norris kicking me is far better than a can of pork and beans attacking me. C'mon life, give a girl a break!

*****

I took the little to see The Lorax Sunday, it was actually pretty cute. It was a nice day out so I was assuming most people would not be at the movie theatre, I assumed wrong. After we spent a million dollars on popcorn and Pepsi we finally made our way into the crowded theatre. I didn't want to  sit up close because that's gay, so I scanned around and found two open seats on the end about half way up, perfect. We sit down and the jackhole behind perfect said seats is all "Really?" I looked back and he's got two kids with him and apparently I sat in the seat in front of one of the kids. Its god damn movie theatre guy, and stadium seats, and I have a three year old. After giving him the stink eye I was all "Yep". I mean, I'm not a giraffe, I'm just pushing 5 feet tall and if you want a crowd less movie, just stay your ass at home. I hate the seats at this theatre, they don't recognize Lily's whole 30 pound body and anytime she sit backs, it folds her into a sandwich so anytime I take her, I spend the ENTIRE movie holding her seat down so she doesn't go batshit crazy and fall in between, passing her the 100 pound Pepsi and licking glorious popcorn butter off my fingers. We're a hot mess but we have the best time. And its these little things that will stand out for her, and for me. I love when her conversations start with "Remember that time we.." I love giving her memories and seeing her turning into this beautiful girl she is becoming, soothes my soul.

*****
I haven't been home in two months and twelve days. I know through all of this I've made a lot of people unhappy, I've broken some hearts, some bridges have been burned and I have great remorse for anyone that I've hurt however I'd much rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. It's as simple as that. Above all, I try be considerate of others feelings while staying true to myself and that's really all I can do. If people want to be a part of your life, whether it be your new one and old one or a revised one, they will be in it. Much like when you have children, some people can't accommodate your new life and so, they fall short and phase themselves out. Much like I imagine of you were to find out someone really close to you, or perhaps your child, were gay. Some people can't handle it, so they don't. Just as you make your own choices, so do others. I feel like my situation is similar to that. I was unhappy. I left my husband on a quest to find myself. To find my way back to him. Hell, to find something anything that I felt would fill whatever void was within me. The people who have chosen to leave my side are expecting failure but they should know me better than that, its just not an option. I'm stable. I haven't missed any work, my bills are paid and up to date, my baby girl is healthy, happy and gets to see both of parents, albeit separately, but equally. I have a legion of unbiased support. I am not failing and you can't build up the weak, by bringing down the strong.  And while I have moments of sadness and weakness, moments where I let myself feel words spoken and see the hurt and disappointment on faces, I also have moments that I let happiness shine through. Maybe I'm not supposed to, maybe I'm supposed to feel like shit for the rest of my life, maybe I am supposed to fail but taking the little on mommy&me dates, talking for hours over wine with a dear friend, coffee surprisingly being delivered to work and the realization that this is my life and it can be whatever I want it to be, make me happy. When your back is against the wall, I've found that this is what you do: breathe. be thankful for what you DO have. Save your strength for things you can change. Forgive the ones you can't. The best remedies are sleep and laughter, well, and wine. Do what is right in your heart, whether it makes sense, whether its right or wrong. Because people will judge you always, no matter what and you are the only one who knows what is felt in your heart. And that's all that matters.

you carry the words around with you like spare change

I stopped taking my happy pills, or as I like to refer to them, my makes me lose 10 pounds and everyone thinks I'm on crack pills. No, seriously. They made me have no appetite at all and while some people are all, "I would LOVE to be on pills that make me lose weight" hi, have you met me? That was not a healthy weight for me. People literally thought I was on drugs, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that, give me a little credit, I have an irrational fear of becoming ugly and I'm pretty sure crack would make me ugly. I also have no idea where I would buy it or what you even do with it, lick it of the rim of a wine glass? The pills also made me pretty numb to any emotion, I felt like I walked around in a cloud. So, apologies to anyone that I blankly stared at as you tried to talk to me about life choices. It was the crazy pills and probably my ADD, but mostly the pills. The DR who prescribed them, or pushed them, advised that they would more or less calm your nerves and let you get your thoughts straight but I feel it altered them and when you're going through something so important, I feel you should be in your own state of mind, an unmedicated state of mind because feeling anything, any emotion is better than feeling nothing at all. It feels good getting healthy and getting back to me. Life is challenging in itself, throw in some crazy pills and you're in for a shitstorm of events but because of these trials and challenges, your strength is tested in a multitude of ways. Its amazing the things you can overcome and how a three hour chat over a glass of wine with a girlfriend one evening can re-charge you when you felt so beaten down. A few bridges have been burned and the smoke is starting to settle and it might be a long road to begin repairing them. Words can be very hurtful and can't be taken back. Forgiven? yes but forgotten, never. Choices have consequences. Rights have wrongs but sometimes, things aren't black and white. There can be so much grey area not seen by people. The bridges can be rebuilt. The hearts can be mended, they may always be bruised, but they will heal in time. For what its worth, its never too late to be whoever you want to be. To live a life you are proud of and if you find that you're not, to have the strength to start all over again. I'm still me. The door to my life, is always open to anyone who wants to come in.

I'm off to pick up my baby girl and enjoy the company of some friends then looking forward to a quiet weekend. Happy day, friends!

Crossroads

My Valentine's day was different this year, for the last 10 years I've spent it with my husband. I saw Lily, then went to dinner and a movie and while it was different, it also wasn't bad. I mean, the movie was. I don't know why I thought I would like a super sappy love movie, I'm a total Hangover/Stepbrothers/anything funny type of movie girl but I think knowing I would be watching Channing Tatum for two hours pulled me in. All I could do was make fun of his sweaters and then thought of what groceries I needed to get at the store. Anyway, back to my point. How can the temptation of the 'unknown' be so much greater than the steadiness of the known? How can the desire to fly on your own be greater than the security of being grounded? How can want and need be so different yet so share much of the same qualities. Figuring out need and want is a battle in itself because you can convince yourself of anything, you can make yourself believe anything. Its a balancing act, life is a balancing act. Balancing, need and desire. The need to step into your own and the desire to fall back into the normalcy of the life you created, the life that was yours. I'm not sure how long you can walk on a tightrope before you fall, and not necessarily fail, two different types of falls, known and unknown. Familiar, unfamiliar. Neither fall is easy but you can only balance on that tightrope so long, before you have to make a decision. You walk it until finding solid ground at the end or you jump. Either way you go, you can't look back. Some people can see a train wreck coming from a mile away but for some reason, I can't. I can't see it until the second it happens. Some people can see that the track is a little off course and the train will derail but to me, its all mechanics until it happens. I am so grateful for the support system I have, even the people who can see the train wreck, don't judge. They may not understand, they may not agree but they are supportive anyway. God has truly blessed me with amazing people in my life and while they may never know it, they save me too.

A quote from a blog I religiously follow hit home this morning: "You can't effectively move forward in life unless you have those moments of letting yourself feel the darker side of reality once in a while."

Maybe this is my darker side of reality. I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to prove or what it is I'm looking for or if I'll even know it when I find it. I'm focusing on my daughter, everything else falls in between. She's happy, and taken care of and getting everyone through this time of uncertainty. If I know one thing, its that time doesn't stand still and before I know it, I'll be sending her off to college in her little red bug (I'm sure that's what she'll rock!) and I also know she only has one lifetime and I only have one chance at this. I'm going to hold onto her and let her help me, guide me through this bump in my road. She saved my life when she was born and I want to make sure to save hers.

Meanwhile in the past five days there have been three pregnancy announcements on FB. THREE. Even at a point in my life where that falls by the wayside, it still hurts because I still long to be a mother again.

new hair & balls! (not to be confused with new hair on balls)



All I need is a fuckin' Bump-it!



I FEEL LIKE I'M WEARING A WIG! I (well, my sister in law) dyed my hair. Dark, super dark, OK, black. I wanted to change it up a little, I like it long but needed some sort of change and lets face it, I act on impulse. I generally don't think things through, I just do them and face the consequences and in this case, it looks like I straight up took a Halloween wig from a bag and slapped that bitch on my head. I'm hoping it will lighten with a few washes, ok I'm pretty much banking on it so I don't go around looking like Elvira for the next few months so we'll see. I Like it however, its dark, mysterious and its different. I like it.



Snookie hair



My whole focus is Lily, I mean she's been my main focus for holy shit almost 4 years now but now its, Lily, me. Since high school is either been, husband, me and then Lily, husband, me. Its hard to shift the focus on yourself. I'm busy shuffling Lily back and forth, doing things to keep her entertained and happy and when I have to focus on myself I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing! I mean I've always made time to read a good book, paint my nails, do girl shit but there was one Sunday in particular I had dropped Lily off for the evening, went and got a shower and had the entire evening to myself and I sat there on the bed because I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do when I wasn't running around. How in the hell am I supposed to figure out where I'm going in my life if I can't even figure out what to do with my alone time! I keep busy, I always have, its just how I function so when I'm forced to slow it down a little, I'm forced to do a little soul searching. I'm forced to find myself. I'm also forced to crack open that bottle of wine because when in doubt, that's just what you do. No one likes to admit failure and defeat. It's natural for people to be hesitant in owning up to failure, its an insecurity. Reality has a way of sneaking up and biting you in the ass. I was putting together a new car seat for Lily and making a list of things I still need to get from my house and my brother asked "so, you're really going to do this huh?" He wasn't contradicting, wasn't pushing one way or another and it was just a simple question that I'm still not sure I know the answer to. I can have the separation papers in front of me, the joint custody agreement drawn up and have no real emotion toward it, but its just words on paper and until its happening, I'm not sure I'll really know. That's how I am, I learn the hard way. I can't foresee things, I have to experience them to understand them. Its probably not the best quality I have, but its part of who I am.  There are some people who are not afraid to fail, not afraid to lose sight of the shore and take on the ocean because failing, beats the hell out of not trying at all.  I won't be stepped on by people whom don't try to understand. Push me and I push back. Tell me I can't do something, I will do everything to prove it wrong. No matter what path my life takes, I will not fail.

happy pills gave me balls. figuratively of course. I don't know how guys legitimately walk around with those things.

I'm finishing up my work day, taking the little to the indoor pool and having pizza with her and some favorites later while we wait anxiously for some impending snow. I am happy.

Happy weekend, bloggy friends!

Post-op, happy pills & dating

Post-op went great however I was slightly afraid that I was going to bleed to death. I didn't know you were supposed to bleed at all after the LAP but I've been bleeding for twelve days. TWELVE DAYS. Dr R didn't seem too concerned about it and said once it does stop, the next few months will be great for conceiving since he cleaned my pipes in the LAP. Oh yeah doc, about that...

I'm on happy pills. There, I said it. Big fat happy elephant out of the room. After the separation my mother was convinced that the choices I was making and whatnot where the stem of who knows what and that I should see a doctor. And hey, what do I know, maybe it could give me clarity. Or at the least help me with my ADD. or just make me more awesome. I've been on them for a full week, the doctor said it could take two fulls weeks to notice anything. I think I wake up every morning hoping to notice something, like "Unicorns are dancing on rainbows outside of my window!" BUT I'm a little more apprehensive about the side effects. I'm not tryin' to go all columbine and freak out on everyone. And I'm not trying to get fat OR lose any weight. I'm all for getting more awesome, though. I'm not clinically depressed or crazy well, I am crazy but not THAT kind of crazy but it should help me gather my thoughts, focus on them and figure out what in the hell it is that I want to do with my life.

*****

MY HUSBAND WENT ON A DATE. I have Lily Friday nights so when he dropped her off I asked what he was getting into and he was coy in saying he was going to dinner. A dinner with a chick. I relayed the message "what happens at your date, stays at your date. Except herpes, that shit comes back!" We're both entering a dating world, a world we never really experienced. We met in high school. We got married at 18. I haven't seen another penis in 10 years except in movies or pornos. (act like you were surprised) We have no idea what the hell we're doing. At some points I think we both get a little excited to experience this realm of new things, new people and places and sometimes at the end of the night when we're both laying in separate beds, in separate houses, I wonder if we're both thinking about the normalcy's of marriage that we miss. Who knows, we could be that couple that separates for six months or a year and come back to realize the grass isn't greener on the other side, its greener where you water it. And that the making it on your own, splitting time with your kid shit is crazy OR we could both find whatever it is we're looking for in someone else OR my biggest fear, I realize what I had and it be too late. I have no idea what is in store for us, I'm not sure where my journey is leading me, leading us but I'm learning if you want to live life, you have to live it free.

good news for people who love bad news.

I got a call from the new RE office and they need me to come in to go over my lab and pap results, this was not expected as my next appointment was to be after and HSG and before the LAP. Awesome. I go in on the 28th at 4:00. I do think he is going to bypass the HSG and go right ahead with the LAP in January as we did the hsg in 2010 with no results. That, of course, is if all of my labs came back normal, but lets face it, its me, there is always something standing in my way. I kind of expected it. However, it could ALWAYS be worse. I could be the lady on the most recent episode of Call of the Wildman. I tried to find a youtube clip of it and I couldn't so my illustration below is pretty much exactly what she looked like, just so you can get the full affect of her awesomeness. A few questions I have, do you really need that many brightly colored hair clips designated to one area of hair? And just how to you get a possum infestation? I mean they aren't little bugs or mice that squeeze through holes, they are freaking possums. I'm pretty sure as 'turtleman' was telling her about her issue this is what was going through her head "I don't even know what the FUCK a possum is. I thought they were cats. I named them. Why are there cameras here? I need more hair clips."

If you haven't seen "Call of the Wildman", do yourself a favor and tune in. You're in for a real treasure. *insert obnoxious call of the wild he does*

******

Every year, my good friend and I exchange Christmas letters, you know, the one your great Aunt sends you about her extravagant traveling and hobbies? Yeah, well we mock the shitty parts of our lives in our letters. So to keep with tradition, I'll share mine this year:

Dearest friends and family,

I hope this Christmas letter finds you well.

Our year has been rather eventful. We spent weekends visiting wineries and enjoyed a summer vacation in the Outer Banks to avoid going home and having "Bruce Bruce" knock on our door for loan money for his "insulin" problem. Our deck was finally completed in October and as by then it was too cool to use it, we are looking forward to sipping margaritas on it next summer. Lily has been blossoming in Pre-school, her newest phrases are "Poopy-butt!" and "You worry 'bout yourself". She's also been doing a very good job at maintaining both of her personalities, we refer to them as Jackal and Hyde. Her extracurricular activities include dance, watching Beauty and the Beast on repeat and picking her nose. I celebrated my eight year anniversary as keeper of the books this year, I received an excellent evaluation and a small pay raise as we've lost clients this year. I also received more work as I run that shit on a daily basis. I'm thinking of getting a real parrot for the office to keep me company to replace Lewis, the fake one, who keeps me company now. I've been partaking in a few hobbies myself since being alone at the office, such as learning to side braid my hair, broadening my vocabulary at Words with Friends and expanding my vocal abilities with the likes of Adele. I'm pretty sure I should get employee of the month, every month. We made a charitable donation this year of $450 to Culpeper County and the Town of Culpeper for personal property. Its such an honor to be able to park our cars in our driveway in their county. I wouldn't have spent that money any other way!

Yet another year I regret to inform you that Lily did not become a big sister. My cervix has attachment issues to cancer and my tubes seem to be that of an 80 year old whore. So in planning for 2012, the Doctor will insert a scope through my belly button and out my pelvis to check my pipes for blockage. I knew I got rid of my belly button ring years back for a good reason, aside from the fact it would get caught on my mom jeans, I would hate to have to explain an infertility scar every time I flashed my bling. We made no big purchases this year as we've been trying to save for the making of another child, unless you include the brand new 1994 truck with 200,000 miles on it that we bought to haul the necessities of life and to get us back and forth to work in the two snowstorms per year we have.

Wishing you the happiest of holidays! belted in my Adele voice

Stacy

But seriously, have a glorious Christmas bloggy friends! I'll be making reindeer food to put on the driveway so they don't miss our house, baking cookies for Santa so he knows we appreciate him, making sure the 'repeat' button works on the CD player to ensure Glee Christmas plays non-stop and plotting ways to tell people to get the hell out of my house on Christmas after I've had enough of their cheer just kidding, sort of. Enjoy the food, company, cheer and of course, the wine!

New RE & Holiday hullabaloo

I set up an infertility consultation with a new RE for December 14th! A few things I'm excited about, THEY ACCEPT OUR INSURANCE, the DR is a dude and the practice is only 15 minutes from my work and with my tied to the office work schedule, this works out extremely well. I'm excited to hear their plan of attack and I swear to sweet baby Jesus if they want to do Clomid I will go all crazy infertile on them. To recap where I'm at: It's been two years of negative pregnancy tests. December will be one year since the miscarriage. I've been charting and seem to be ovulating, the previous RE wanted to bypass Clomid (as I've already done several unsuccessful rounds on this) and go straight to injections and IUI and then those assholes stopped taking our insurance. We are only covered for office visits and blood work but every little bit helps. I'm anxious to see how much an IUI procedure will cost at the new office. I'm hopeful and going in head high but grounded. Its the first step on a staircase of many steps but if you believe in fate, you fight for it. My gloves are on. "Without strength, there is no courage. Without pain, there is no joy. Without struggle, there is no triumph."

*****
The joke of "we should do Christmas dinner at Erik & Stacy's" turned into the real deal. I'm actually really excited to not unwrap presents in a quick fashion, get cleaned up, dressed and leave the house all before noon. It will be refreshing to sip my coffee until its gone, to lounge in my pj's until I absolutely must get dressed and to fill my house with family, food and the Christmas ambiance that comes with it this time of year. And the Glee Christmas CD playing in the background, of course. It also means 24 hours of A Christmas Story and that's a must. I mean I have a lot of organizing and a little planning and decorating to do but I love this shit. I'm even going to send out an e-vite because the Morrison side of the family is always last minute, no one ever knows what time or where anything is or what they're supposed to bring. It also gives me a chance to make these:

And these:

This site should come with a disclaimer noting that it will CONSUME YOUR LIFE. Its awesome. Its more awesome than awesome. It will rock your crafty world. Luckily now through the end of December is slow at work so I have pretty much 8 hours a day to browse.

*****

We've been trying to save money with the holiday coming up  and we really can't tell where we've been spending all of our money besides gas and groceries and my husband claims he buys nothing, he can't cut back anymore than he does, which happens to be mostly true, he really doesn't buy much. However, this is how the conversation went, husband: "where can you cut costs? How about not buying a bottle of wine anytime you go to the store?" Me: "Did you just hear yourself? THAT IS NOT AN OPTION." You know those moms who go insane, like drive into a lake insane or chop husbands penises off in their sleep insane? I'm assuming that's because their husbands tried to cut their wine allowance. I'll take that win, husband. Besides, I'm building up my cork collection and I do not think my $7 indulgence (or sanity in a glass) is breaking the bank. Also, he's never had to wake Lily up during the week, shits crazy. Also, I just bought a wine bar that will not fill itself. Also, I'm just a really big fan of it.

hide the knives, husband. HIDE THE GODDAMN KNIVES.

Maybe if everyone is caught up in the food, wine and Christmas high they won't notice our Charlie Brown tree. or that all the knives are missing.

I've got to make this life make sense

I'm thankful for the familiar things I know and for the things I'll never know. I'm thankful for my unanswered prayers, I know god has a bigger plan for me. For the raspy, silent laugh Lily does when she's laughing so hard, that the noise that comes with it just can't quite keep up. My girlfriends. You want to know how a girl survives? Look by her side. You ladies embrace my freak flag, you don't make me paint myself in black and white, or limit myself to a definition. You know I've got a few lose screws and you don't give a shit. My husband, who has shown me more about myself, than anyone. He's the toughest fighter I know. I aspire to be like him, his work ethic, his passion for family and his expectations of himself. When he loves, he loves hard and at times that leaves him vulnerable to being hurt but its never stopped him from loving. Always willing, to help, to love, to better himself. My family and how supportive they are, even in the worst of time. It's been a rough year and I've learned that if you ever need to figure out where you're going, start with where you've been and where you come from.
Being thankful comes in so many shapes and forms. For Lily, most of the time it comes in a "this is my best day!" and in that, I know she's thankful for that day, for whatever we did and who we are. For my husband and I, it usually comes in the same form. If we're excited about something or like the elements, we tend to say "that would be my best day!" Although the occasional "thank you" is nice to hear and is still important, its also important to look for the thankfulness that comes in the in-between. It's in the moments where a rake and fall leaves make the perfect jumping piles. It's at the table playing cards with dear friends, sipping wine and laughing until it actually hurts. It's watching a perfect little three year old stand in the shower with her eyes closed while the water runs down her and catching a glimpse of the beautiful woman she is going to be. It's carrying on the most important conversation about a play-doh picnic. The first fruit in the summer and the sky-pink hues in October that are as significant as the changing seasons. Letting the little 'help', which is mainly an egg stirred too fast and spilled or flour that has missed the bowl but letting her help anyway because she is willing, able and ready to learn. We tend to miss these moments, we get busy, our minds gets clouded, we lose sight of what's important. I'm thankful for the right now, the life as I'm in it at this exact moment, no more, no less.

Today is my eight year anniversary of keeper of the books. I stumbled upon this job a few months after graduating high school and who knew it would end up being such a perfect fit for me. I'm thankful to have such a steady job, that I like. I have a great relationship with my boss, my clients generally listen to me when I tell them they're spending too much and I've got a lot of 'wiggle' room. With taking things over and being an official business owner in the near future, I'm proud of this accomplishment. I'll drink to that tonight!

I'm going to surprise Lily and go to her Thanksgiving luncheon tomorrow. Work keeps me busier than I like, but with the little wiggle room I have, I'm making sure to make time for her, so she feels special, so she will always know that she comes first and will remember these times that we would do things, just for her, just because we love her. After all, she is my greatest accomplishment in life and though waking her in the mornings is much like waking the spawn of satan, she was heaven sent. I can't say it enough, she saved me from being everything I hate about myself. I'm most grateful that she's in my life and even more grateful to be her mom. Find a reason, every day, to be thankful. Toast to it, drink to it, say it to yourself, whatever it is you do, find a reason. Thankfulness and happiness go hand in hand and you are the only one who can make you happy. As you sit around your table, stuffing your faces with turkey and all the trimmings, take a minute and breathe in your surroundings. We know all to well that tomorrow isn't promised, so drink it the good stuff while you're living it.

Thank you, bloggy friends, for giving me an outlet to express myself, a way to cope with the emotional highs and lows of infertility and reading my stories on exploding pythons (of the non-penis sort). I'm able to put all that's in my head on paper and times when I don't believe in myself, you're always there to believe in me. You pretty much rock my world!

pure awesomeness.

We attended both of our Halloween parties which by the way, I've come to the realization that I'm too old to dance in 4 inch heels for 6 hours. My legs, ankles and poor feet feel like I just ran a ten miler. If people start asking why I'm walking like an 80 year old, I'm pretty much going to tell them I ran a ten miler. I think it's equivalent and Lily rocked her bumble bee costume in her parade at school. We sat around the fire pit handing out candy to all the little creatures and handing the torch to the end of the year Holidays. Lily's "Dance little skeletons" and "Pumpkins on a gate" songs will be replaced with Pilgrims and sharing. Painted pine cones will decorate the kitchen table and radio will soon be filled with the hum of Christmas songs. Some people commemorate the day after Halloween as the first day to listen to Christmas music, I don't judge. Let your freak flag fly! With the holidays and all of the glorious calorific foods that come with them quickly approaching I need to start running again. Exercise is one of the easiest things to fall out of the routine of doing and also one of the hardest things to get back into. I love the way it makes me feel when I'm doing it, I love how much healthier I feel after doing it and yet still can't find the right amount of motivation to lace up the running shoes. Its hard, especially around the holidays, to find the time to take care of yourself. Its hard for a mom in general to find time for herself but to continue to be that good mom, its necessary to do these things. Pick the little up 30 minutes late so you can get the pedi you've been putting off, sit in the parking lot with your iced latte that you don't want to share, jamming to songs she can't listen to anymore because she repeats "boobies and droppin' it low". Make a coffee date with your friend for 30 minutes after work, you will never regret it. It doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you a better one.

******
Grammy, has a facebook. FB is a great way to stay in touch with family, keep up with life and share your pictures without downloading only 6 per email because that's all that will fit. I even have my in laws on there and most of my aunts and cousins and such, however, they know that sometimes I fail to have a sensor. If you friend me and don't think my "Lily said boobies" or "Knock knock mother fucker" statuses are awesome, then I'm not certain where you went wrong in life or why we're friends because that's funny shit. I love my Grammy but I just don't think she's ready for me. Besides, 'friending' her is just a bridge to my mother who knows that I'm inappropriate and like wine just refuses to embrace it. Clearly, I'm far too awesome for her liking. I'm also not sure ho she'd feel about my recent status of Lily toppling over in her carseat because when my husband put it back in the car he didn't strap it down. Why, dear husband, would you just put the carseat in its appropriate place only to look like its strapped in? I drove around with her chillin' in her carseat all loosey-goosey for TWO days. Only reiterating the fact I'm not sure how the hospital let us bring home a kid! I made a sharp right turn into the gas station and she and her jet pack looking carseat attached to her rolled over onto the seat and then rolled between the back of the drivers seat and the back seat of the car. She was wedged there like a turtle who was helpless. I could not stop laughing, I'm sure no one else at the gas station thought it was comical, in fact I'm certain the ol' bitch next to me was was going to call child protective services. Lily is all freaked out with a deer in the headlights look on her face and I can't muster the energy to help her yet because I'm still laughing. I gain composure, help the girl out and strap the carseat down. Girlfriend doesn't forget stuff, so I made sure to tell her DADDY was the one who let this tragedy happen. I'll tell her this story when she's old and thinks being a bad parent is not letting her stay out past 10:00. I imagine it will go like this, "remember that one time Dad didn't strap your carseat in and you were all loosey-goosey in the backseat? Don't let that happen on your date tonight!" I'll put it as my status that day because it's awesome. I probably won't friend her on FB either.

scars, yeah, she's got her scars

The candlelight vigil for my dear friend was perfect. Faces glowing amongst the candles flickering, stories told, tears shed and laughter ensued. Together, united, we all stood around the gravesite in a circle remembering the life of someone who touched each of our hearts. It was a cold October evening but the unity, stories and ambiance of the candlelight could keep even the coldest soul, warm. Strength comes in numbers and it was proven that night. All problems are set aside, age is insignificant and we all come together in a pain we each share, to keep the memory alive and to help each other heal through tears, joy and hope. Its a beautiful thing, to be a able to turn pain, into pride.

*****

I've been better at temping this month and lo and behold, what is this you ask? CH's on my chart! It means I most likely ovulated this month, I hadn't thought I had been and I'm still not entirely convinced as the post-o temps are still fairly low, but even a light O, is better than no O. this life theory goes for both types of O's if you catch my drift! We did have a little baby making action around the time I received CH's, so who knows! I am in no way getting my hopes up, I know how this goes and my last few months have been wishy-washy with short LP's. Its nice to think though, that it would be a miracle to 'unexpectetly' get pregnant after two years of trying.

*******

It may have been the cold meds that I'm taking to kick this cold, but I just had the most random e-chat with a customer service rep from the Halloween shop I bought my costume from, its also proof that I’m not an adult but it was too awesome not to share!

Hi, My name is JASON, what can I help you with today?

Stacy: Really? Is your name really Jason?

JASON: Yes. Why do you ask?

Stacy: I just figure most people who do these 24 hour online service things are from like India or something. No offense if you are actually from India or something.

JASON: None taken. Is there something I can help you with?

Stacy: So…you are from India. Oh, yes. I ordered a costume last week and never received a shipment email and I need it by the 28^th. Oh, and I don’t have my order number.

JASON: What is the order name?

Stacy: Hannibal Lector

Stacy: Just kidding. I bet you get that a lot being a Halloween costume store and all. It’s actually Stacy Morrison.

JASON: One moment, while I retrieve your information.

JASON: We do have your order information, it was received on 10/20 and it looks like it was refunded the same day.

Stacy: I’m not sure why it was refunded, I never cancelled it?

JASON: It shows you should have received a notice via email about your credit card not being accepted.

Stacy: Are you judging me right now because my credit card was not accepted?

JASON: No ma’am.

Stacy: Because some jackwagon stole my credit card number last week and bought what I’m assuming was $300 in Redskins gear.

JASON: I’m sorry to hear of that.

Stacy: Anyway, I check my email daily and never got anything.

JASON: I’m sorry of that also, this is what was sent: *sends copy of email*

Stacy: So basically I need to reorder in hopes that I get it by Friday so I can win a costume party as Minnie Mouse?

JASON: I wish I had better news for you but it seems that is what you will need to do. We offer three day shipping for $8.99 that will get it to you by the 28^th.

Stacy: I mean, that’s pretty much my only option at this point.

JASON: Touche.

Stacy: Are you even real? I bet you’re a robot named Jason.

JASON: I can assure you, I’m not. Is there anything else I can do for you today Ms. Morrison?

Stacy: A real robot wouldn’t tell me he was a robot anyway.

JASON: Well, if there is nothing else I can do for you, thank you for ordering!

Stacy: I’m in an office all day by myself. I bet this is your best day having a conversation with Hannibal Lector!

JASON: Have a happy Halloween!

Stacy: Do they have classes that like, teach you to send nice responses to belligerent/awesome people? I’m pretty sure if I was you, I would like talking to people in the USA.

 --
JASON is no longer available

Asshole.

We've got a busy weekend planned, a costume party Friday, (which by the way I landed on Minnie Mouse this year and Lily stood her ground on bumble bee) and the pumpkin patch followed by carving on Saturday. Its going to be a crisp fall weekend, one that you'll need to come home from picking out the perfect pumpkin to making up some hot chocolate while you watch pumpkin seeds glow in the oven.

The memories have left you broken and the scars have never healed

You always remember what you were doing, who you were with and the moment that something life changing happens. It’s like the groundwork to who you become, the dots to which lines will be added to in life.

Before my husband proposed, my brother and I were waiting for him in my car and I opened the glove box for something and there a ring box was. I quickly shut the glove box knowing full well I wasn’t supposed to see it and my brother and I never spoke of it again. My husband had planned a whole trip up to the Shenandoah Mountains (to this day I’m unsure why as I’m the last person you want to take hiking anyway, I’m about as athletic as an overweight smoker) but it was raining that day and I put up a big fight about not wanting to go, after seeing the ring box I understood why he was so persistent about going. We didn’t go and he ended up asking me in my parent’s living room in the house I grew up in. He came in, turned the movie I was watching off and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him on that rainy September day. I had a hint it was coming since I stumbled upon it, but it didn’t make that moment any less special, the moment I knew who I wanted to grow old with. That house carries a lot of memories with it and was only appropriate it hold the one that would start the rest of my life.

The night we decided we were ready for a family. It was December 10^th; I had stopped taking birth control at the beginning of the month and knew we should start trying around the 14^th because ‘normal’ people ovulate around day 14 of your cycle. We lit candles and made it romantic for our very first night of actual baby-making sex, which is much different then the “pull and pray” we’d been practicing since high school. We figured we would have good news to share the next month or so, little did we know the long emotional road that lied ahead of us, the road that ended up making us stronger, the same road that led me to being a mom.

The day I found out I was pregnant, was actually quite a surprise. It had been a 16 month wait and late periods and negative pregnancy tests were common occurrences, on a monthly basis. It was a Friday morning in late August and I was getting ready for work, I had a few pregnancy tests left over from the previous month and realized I was about three days late and thought, what the hell, I’ll probably ruin my whole Friday but the desire to pee on a stick was much needed that morning. I peed, brushed my teeth and went to throw the test in the trash but on this particular morning, 16 months of disappointment and reoccurring one pink lines, there were TWO pink lines, two dark pink lines. I kept the secret all day long because I was sure I would go home and the lines wouldn’t be there but I busted out the big guns with the digital and there is no mistaking the word “pregnant”. To this day I can still feel the excitement in my soul.

The moment I laid eyes on my beautiful baby girl, is completely unexplainable. It was a long wait, a hard labor and all of the pain went away the second I saw her. The dim lights in the room, the family anxiously waiting in the sitting area and the looks of pure admiration from my husband are etched into my being. It was 9:04 at night and as exhausted as I was after the nurses went to their stations and our families had retreated for the night, I couldn’t make myself close my eyes because if this was actually a dream, I didn’t want to wake up from it. She is the answer to my dreams and this unbelievable amount of love I have in my heart, began with her.

Loss, we all experience it. From our first pet passing to an older grandparent, death is a part of life. I was always lucky enough to not have lost many people close to me. A few great grandparents when I was little and a couple grandparents as I got older, you hear of people losing close ones on the news all the time and I was always really naive to it because I had never experienced the loss of someone I was really close to. It was a beautiful October day, we had spent the day at the pumpkin patch picking out the perfect pumpkins to carve. My friend TJ and I had texted back and forth a few times laughing about the night before when we all went out for drinks, he was anxious about turning 21 in a few days, the last text he sent was “all hell will break loose when I’m 21!”. We went back to my brother in laws house for pizza and I had just heard that TJ was in an accident, so I called his mom and the only thing she said was “He’s not breathing Stac, he’s not breathing”. These words haunt me to this day. I sat down, I couldn’t eat and we were in a house full of people and I’m not sure I was even able to breathe for the next 23 minutes. They were transporting him to Mary Washington Trauma where my sister in law was a nurse at, she assured me how good the trauma team was and I reassured myself that he would be ok, they will fix him right up and we’ll go see him tomorrow. The next phone call I got was my brother on the other end, asking if I had heard, Yes, I’d heard about the accident but nothing since then. The next words I heard made my knees weak, “He’s gone”. The days following were a blur, we celebrated his birthday best we could at his parent’s house with all his friends, family, beer and cornole, just how he would have wanted it and his mom released 21 balloons at 9:00pm, when he was born. And he was laid to rest on the 28^th. With the one year mark being this Sunday, the 23rd, it stirs up all the pain, it stirs up all the emotions that came with not knowing the last hug or text was going to be the last one. The pain we try to subdue all year long seems to surface around this time, the pain that will always leave a dull ache in our hearts for the rest of our lives.  If there is anything anyone can learn from TJ, its he lived everyday like it was his last. He experienced life with a smile and went out riding on something he loved doing that his friend only gave him the chance to do, a street bike. I hate the sound of them, I can’t look at them but it made him happy and he died, while living. Smells, places and materials always tie us to people, they always will and through these things you’re able to heal, remember and relive. The memories though faded, will last forever and whether it’s landing your first real job, laughing over coffee with someone who will be your forever, gazing into the eyes of your baby for the first time or saying goodbye to someone on a cool fall day, these moments made you the person you are today. Breathe in each moment and never forget what, or who, made you. Reminiscing on these times, even the hard ones, will help even the most lost soul, find their way back home. Each person, each experience and every love in your life has impacted it, whether you know it or not. It’s ok to laugh, its ok to cry and its ok to hug a little harder when it’s a bad day. Utilize your friends, especially the ones whom you don’t have to say a word to, the ones that just know you need them. Embrace your family, in every conceivable manner, family is the link to our past and the bridge to our future. It is tied to places, events and history. With all these felt details, life etches itself into memory.


Miss you TJ, a little more everyday.

www.inlovingmemoryoftjmullins.weebly.com

 

when you're happy like a fool, let it take you over.

Retail therapy really is the best kind of therapy. I could go talk my heart out to a real therapist about the many a issue I have but damn if going and buying a new pair of hot heels doesn’t make me feel good. We went shopping and to a few wineries (yes, this is also fantastic therapy) with our friends on Monday and although I only came back with one shirt, the whole day was spent enjoying company and laughing, and laughter really is, the best medicine. We checked one winery off our list and moved onto the next, which happened to look like it was in the basement of a regular house, that is if you could get past the porta-john in the front yard. We were slightly frightened that we would knock on the door and an old man would yell to his ol’ lady to turn the TV off and get his pants. We decided to skip this one, since it was a sister winery to the first and shared same grapes, we didn’t really want to pay $7 to sit in a basement with father time scratching his balls while wiping the dust off the wine glasses and tasting the same shitty wine we tasted at the first place. I totally would have went in though, I love a good adventure and an even better story. On the way to our third winery of the day (we intended to hit four, we don’t mess around) we passed a smattering-of-shit-welded-together store. In the front yard was a giant metal rooster, if you haven’t read this story, read it and then the metal rooster sighting will blow your mind in awesomeness as it did mine. I have to have a giant metal rooster, I mean I guess I don’t need to go all crazy and get the giant, a little fella will do and it was only $80. My husband was not amused by my NEED for this rooster, nor could we fit it in my friends Mercedes but oh I will be going to back to get it, I will set it out on the hill behind my house, peeking out from the woods. I will be a great conversation piece. We all know I spend way too much time alone in my office, and as my own personal therapist I’m attributing my crazy chicken loving obsession to this. Just sayin.



That just happened.



I was on my way out of Lily’s classroom after I dropped her off for school and they had the parent-sign-up-to-bring-shit-to the class party board and I took a quick glace at who was bringing what and what they needed and you know what I picked? Pretzels. I’m the pretzel mom. Wtf. I know my baking abilities could be far better and I could have been cool and picked jello jigglers or even stepped out of the box and got a cool Halloween recipe or something but my hand wouldn’t stop me from writing her name beside freaking pretzels. I’m not a fan of being the pretzel mom, its Halloween, I could make any number of awesome things like witch fingers or whatever other creepy Halloween shit they have. Even worse, I signed up in pen. I don’t want to be the pretzel mom AND the crazy mom who scratches her kids name OFF of the pretzel list. Maybe I could totally redeem myself however by making the most awesome Halloween spaghetti brains those kids have ever seen. Too much? I’m pretty sure I’m over thinking the whole scenario seeing how chips and carrots also were taken; at least I’m not like the toilet paper mom or something. I’ll handle being pretzel mom this one time but I’ll kick the next parties ass.  You hear that Thanksgiving party? I’m coming for ya.

Have a glorious weekend, Friends!

falling into place

October. A brand new month, it felt good to rip off the August and September months from the ol' calendar. Life seemed to have really tested me those two months, possibly two of the longest and most awakening months of my life. October is a good month to tell life to suck it! I'm holdin' onto the handlebars this month and drivin' on my own. I've been terrible with my temping, I've been terrible with baby making sex and I have yet to make an appointment with a new RE. I really let life take over in all aspects and I know there are many things out of my control but there are some things, I can fight for. But I also know, you can't let infertility consume your life, you have to live and sometimes its ok for it to go on the 'back burner', sometimes life and living it renew your strength. “Practice not wanting, desiring, judging, doing, fighting, knowing. Practice just being. Everything will fall into place.” Most of my weekends this month are cram-packed with gatherings with friends or family. Its just a precursor to the holidays and I love it. However, October is also bittersweet for me. While the excitement of fall and the upcoming events gives you a high, the harsh reality that the 23rd is the one year mark of my dear friends sudden passing bores a deep hole in my heart. I strive everyday to remember his voice, to be sure I never forget it. I scroll through pictures reliving each memory over the years and I truly wear his memorial tattoo like a badge of honor. Its weird, pain heals pain, for me anyway. Getting a tattoo can close a chapter of life, it can heal a hurt like no other and it can bring a happiness like nothing else. It helps you to move on as well as remember. As I'm moving forward in other aspects of life, a new tattoo is being drawn. To commemorate the things I've been through and to honor my daughter. It's healing.

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"Remember that time I threw up on the table and on my food? That was a bad day" "Yes, yes that was a bad day" "What's that smell?" "It's smoke, someone has a fire going" "It smells like ham! I like ham" This kid's awesomeness rattles my bones. I know she's legitimately mine when she busts out with random thoughts and "that's a bad day's" I hope she speaks her uncensored mind for the rest of her life. She's sassy, she freaks out when she doesn't get her way, she knows exactly which buttons to push to send you over the edge but oh is she pure, she'll be the first person to tell you if she likes (or doesn't!) something, if she tells you out of nowhere that she loves you, oh how she means it. Treat her right and she'll love you like nobody else. We took her to see her first movie in theatre, complete with bag of day old popcorn and the biggest Sprite we could get. If you're going to get the full movie experience, you have to do it all, at least this once. We saw Lion King 3D and were the only ones in the theatre. If you're ever going to go to a movie, go on a Wednesday at 6:40, you'll never be sorry and we still made it home in time for Modern Family. The $50 in tickets and movie snacks were worth it because, we were making memories. Good memories, pumpkin carving in the fall, hot chocolate in the winter, vacations in the summer and movies on rainy days. Memories will always outweigh everything else, because without memories, life would suck. Memories will always teather you to certain places, people or things. Memories will make you smile or cry but everyone of them shaped you into the person you are. You are stronger for the tough memories, you are better for the happy ones and you are more wise for the bad ones.

yes, we are always this goofy.

Happy Thursday!  Dance class for the little and wine&dine with our favorites, I've got memories to be had!

happy endings.

I like Halloween, I like spending too much money on overpriced candy, I like sitting out on the front porch in a hoodie handing said candy out to all the littles, I like watching them run away with excitement, I like when my brother in law gives the way-too-old-for-this-shit teens a hard time about their lack of a costume and pillowcase bag, really? and you can't even say trick or treat? I like dressing up--reigning champ three years in a row say what? ladybug, glorious. bumble-bee, fabulous. Snookie, *insert your own jersey shore reference here* With Halloween approaching, at dinner one night I asked Lily what she would like to be. Her answer? a Christmas tree. After my eyes dried from laughing, I was all "really, Lily? a Christmas tree?" and she's all "yes, seriously." What? previous years ladybug and cat aren't up to par with your glorious idea of pine and presents? I'm not Chinese master sewer, where would one even find a pattern, do people really want to be Christmas trees for stuff? Yes, yes they do. Google is the answer to all life's questions, you don't know something about something, you google the shit out of it. Its like the holy grail of life, well to me anyway. Lo and behold, there are toddler Christmas tree costumes for a mere $49.99, complete with star, hole for face and presents as feet. Awesome. Just as I was really getting excited with this and all runnin' at the mouth with "think I won't order it" to my husband, she up and changes her mind. This is not ok, as unsure as I was about the Christmas tree idea, I really set out and embraced it and I just don't think I can settle for a bumble bee now. I will convince her and bring her back to the pine side, oh I will. Totally kidding, she can be whatever her little heart desires but don't think I won't leave the tree costume pictures all around the house covered in glitter to accent how freaking awesome it is.

I also just really like covering things in glitter.

We'd gotten two notices on our door from FedEx this week  that we had a package that had to be signed for. We thought by him leaving the notice that we could just sign the notice, put it back on the door and he'd swap the notice for the package. Turns out you have to sign for it in person. Problem is, he comes at 1:30, when the rest of the world is also, at work. We weren't even expecting a package so I got really excited, it must be a real treasure to need an in-person signature! My husband called to find out what exactly this treasure was and how we go about getting it, we weren't trying to drive all the way to FedEx in Fredericksburg for some mystery package that probably wasn't even for us. Turns out, it was for me! I love surprises! My excitement stops when they soon tell us, the are concert tickets. Concert tickets I ordered last Thursday for this Saturday's concert, I'd been expecting them in the regular ol' snail mail. Really? You need an in-person signature for Brad Paisley LAWN SEAT tickets? I didn't even pay for a seat, I stand in the lawn. Per the ticket company its their protocol to need someone in person so they would re-route the package to my work and mark it 'rush' and I should get it today. If not to call and they could give me a time frame of when they deliver Saturday. Awesome, I love coming into work on a Saturday just to sign for a package. This better make the $11 jiffy lube live beer taste like unicorns and rainbows 'cause I imagine that would be glorious.

I also just really like beer.

Random bits from this week:

People need not leave me in a waiting room for too long, self help pamphlets on being "addicted to porn" or "is the church leader touching you" make me giggly, thus making the serious meeting with a grin on my face, awkward. I laugh when I'm uncomfortable, thus making the majority of my encounters awkward. That's why I could never be a vagina doctor, or a butt doctor for that matter. I also have yet to get a bikini wax This has been on my list of to-do's, right next to paint the basement, for a year now. Take off your pants giggle, lay down and spread 'em wide giggle, rips hair follicles from my very sensitive area laughs uncontrollably. I wonder if they have experienced this type of wax-ee. I'm pretty sure they would talk about how awesome I am.

Warrenton has a 'happy ending' massage parlor. Seriously. One of my clients uses them and I know its an 'erotic' massage parlor because I did what was natural and googled it. Yep, I even categorized his expenses for the place as 'entertainment' so he knows I know. I'm slightly intrigued by it and slightly grossed out, but more grossed out then intrigued, that was a lie. I really want to know how you ask for a 'happy ending'. My husband suggested using the line "I want to blow some money...and a load" I almost pissed my pants laughing so hard, well, I probably did, when you have kids your bladder ain't what she used to be. Anyway, apparently $73 gets you a rub down in every sense of the word. And you know it ain't no Asian goddess givin' you the rub down, I'm sure its a little old Asian lady who probably can't even see which is why she's in this line of work anyway wearing a pair of rubber gloves, gettin' you down with the get down. I need to know, I feel like I need to send my husband in just to get the scoop and scope out the penis masseuse, not for any other reason than to tell our grandchildren this story. Hide yo' kids, Lily!

My weekend is going to be a good one, it's fat Friday and we're having pizza and watching Step Brothers at our best friends house and I'm going to spend far too much time Saturday curling my hair and putting make-up on for my once a year outing with my Brad Paisley girls. Have a glorious weekend, bloggy friends!