exploding pythons (and I don't mean penises!)

Baby showers are my kryptonite, especially the ones where no one knows my struggle. The mom-to-be at this particular shower is my husbands cousin. She hates being pregnant and I'm unsure she said anything positive about her whole pregnancy other than the fact that she loves eating cake for breakfast. She also prodded as to when we were going to have another and when "it's a long process for us" wasn't good enough, she came back all "you are going to have more, right?". I was nice on her and went all "we'd like to!". I should have been more "yeah, just as soon as my bitch of a cervix gets her shit together" Had I had more than one glass of wine on the way there, I'm sure it would have went more like that. act like you didn't know I needed as glass of wine before attempting said shower. And it occurred to me as I was watching swamp wars the other night and a giant python engulfed a freaking alligator like it was it's job, that's what I should have done. However, in this case the python exploded half way exposing the alligator, so the snake won in the beginning but got his, mid-snack. Lose/lose.

Karma, at its finest.

I have yet to make a consultation appointment with a new RE. I'm not exactly sure why I'm so apprehensive. I guess its the feeling of leaving the office as I did the last one, completely lost and overwhelmed. I know more than anything, I'm scared. We'll only have one shot one $2,000.00 shot mind you at this, because who knows when we'd be able to get together that kind of money to try again if this doesn't work. I mean, that is an option, the IUI not working. Sure, I'm hopeful that it will. I'm hopeful that the sperm they place right into my freaking uterus will do their job and and egg will attach and happy ending but lets be serious, this infertility shit keeps me grounded enough to know, that it might not work out like that. It might be awful and I might feel like that was my only chance for who knows how long and it just might be the last straw on this struggle that takes me to my knees. I believe I need to take the chance, invest my faith and be vulnerable to the opportunity, but that also means being vulnerable to the even greater hole this could leave in my heart. Everyone has their struggles, whether its health or family, marriage or infertility, we all fight for something. I mean look at the python for god's sake, he was fighting for food, he was hungry, saw that damn alligator and said "self, I'm gonna eat that big bitch for snack" I mean, it didn't really work out in the end but he saw that big ass alligator as no problem, just a little bump in the road and owned it. Until he exploded and all. Yes, I realize I'm reading WAY too much into the pythigator but it was totally appropriate for my post. Infertility is my alligator, I need to make it my bitch.

Also, I got my period (of course) last week, so we're onto cycle 25. CYCLE 25. Two years of negative pregnancy tests and heart breaks.  Also some more, two FB friends had babies,boys, on Monday. One of them complained every day of her pregnancy, I hope her baby has colic. Just kidding, sort of. The Duggar's also announced this week that loosey-goosey momma Duggar is three months pregnant with her 20th child, TWENTIETH! Seriously, world, do you want me to kill myself? I'm only kidding, I faint at the sight of my own blood. Besides, I bet babies pretty much just fall out of her vagina by now, and I'm pretty sure her uterus will one of these days. 20 kids will probably do that to ya, that's what you get for being greedy. Karma, Duggar, karma.

Basically, you can apply all of life to the pythigator.

the friggin' preggo parade oh, & some real shit.

Shuttled Lily into her first ballet class, sans ballet or tap shoes so she totally rocked her first class in her DC's. It was as cute as it sounds. The little three year olds lined up in their pastel pink leotards, skirts and tights is probably them most angelic sight, ever. We waited with the parents in the waiting room while she came into her own element in class, never glancing back to see if mom and dad were there, we were of course, peeking in any change we got. Her class was to end at 5, so about a quarter till, the next age group started pouring in and along with that age group, were four pregnant moms, FOUR. I was stuck, in a tiny waiting room, with four freaking preggo's and not 'just barely showing' preggo's like, the baby's head may actually be crowing the cervix at any given moment preggo's. The freaking non pregnant to pregnant ratio was nuts, Seriously? am I being punked or some shit? Awesome. Maybe I should start drinking the water they have there, or just gouge my eyes out, since the first one I'm going to assume doesn't really work or I'd bathe in it, I'll go with the latter. WTF? I wasn't sure if I was in the wrong office, did I mistakingly end up at my OB's office? since I practically live there anyway. No, this was a freak case of the preggo parade somewhere that I least expected it. And the worst part will be, in a few weeks, all these preggo mom's will be toting in their newbies and I'll have to hear every single person "OoO" and "awww" over them. I will not be bitter. I will not be bitter. You know what would make dance class better? beer. I wish pregnancy was contagious, I would have rubbed up against all of them, in the most nonsexual way of course. The sperm would've been floatin' around that air I tell you what. Dear pregeth mothers of dance class, I hope all of your babies have big heads and you deliver vaginally. Sincerely, a skinny infertile who avoids you like the plague.

You know what preggo's can't do? Go to wine tastings with really awesome people. Be jealous preg's, be jealous. We met up at Old House Vineyards and spent some time with new friends, sitting out by the water and it was the most relaxed I've been in awhile. "Don't be afraid to fall in love. It's the only thing that matters in life. Fall in love with as many things as possible" I believe life is meant to be shared, the hard moments, the happy ones, every stage of life, every page in every chapter should be shared. We can reconnect with memories through people and each chapter has made you who you are. I believe I've been shown that people are brought into your life, exactly when you need them, whether you know it at the time or not, you are given who you need, before or after a crisis, before you're about to breakdown, before you're ready to give up, and each of these people have saved me from being everything I hate. Struggles make you strong, change makes you wise and the people I've met, are the wonders of my world. God makes no mistakes with the people you meet, with the people you fall in love with. I'm in love with wineries on Saturday afternoons with new best friends. I'm in love with sunshine on my shoulders and a really good rain. I'm in love with people. I'm in love with the smell of burning wood in the winter and sunscreen in the summer. I've found a new love in books. I'm in love with writing. I'm with love with songs that come on that take me back to a certain place, or person. I'm in love with laughter. I'm in love with with hearing 'mommy', even if its a thousand times a day, even if its being screamed. I have so much. I'm in, love.

a smattering of shit

Thank you, to:

The worst car luck ever, something is wrong with the ignition so it takes on average ten minutes to start my car, anytime I want to start it. This also causes stress induced sweating and cursing, its quite the sight I tell you what. It also prompts me more likely to just leave the bitch running, someone wants it? good luck getting it started after you park it sucker, its a technique that has to be mastered. Maybe at least then I can tell the insurance company that some son of a bitch thief messed with my ignition and I need a new one.

Lily, who always has to pee at the worst moment. As in, at the mall, in any store that isn't a department store with bathrooms. Who fakes with 'my back hurts' and can't walk, and as a parent fail, I forgot a stroller because I took my hub's car to avoid having to deal with mine. SO, with my 40 pound Bath & Body Works bag, my 30 pound three year old and my 10 pound purse, we trekked ever so eloquently, hot mess style through Sears to the very back corner of the store to the bathroom, where the littlest bit of pee you could ever pee, was expelled. Repeat back to the store with no bathrooms.

The slowest cashiers ever at Charlotte Russe for providing me with an extra ten minutes in their store sans fake back hurting three year old to stand and bob my head to 'make love in this club' while in the company of my sister in law and making fun of fat, old,  fat and old people trying to wear Charlotte Russe clothes.

The pregnant lady that was ever so eager to approach us to moisturize our hands with some random glorified lotion she would try to talk us into buying. hey, cute little preggo lady, why don't you just go rub the whole bottle on your glorious bump? I didn't feel bad saying "no thank you" and walking right by, nope not at all. I mean, if you can't see 'infertile' written all over my body language then you're in the wrong line of work, sister. Just kidding, sort of. I hope she has an ugly little alien fetus, which in fact, I would also be jealous of.

My husband who will quite literally starve to death if I don't provide meals. How dare I get back from shopping and spending time at my parents at 7:15 at night, without dinner. What? He had to stir up some meat in a pan for tacos after he'd been trimming hedges and making a landfill run all day? hi dear husband, how about the other 320 days of the year I cook dinner on a timely basis, yeah recognize that shit or its Cap'n crunch for the remainder of the year.

A letter on Monday afternoon from the insurance company stating that as of July 15th they no longer cover ANY services performed by Shady Grove Fertility clinic. Awesome, this means that the office visits, blood work and sonograms that we were actually covered for, are not covered anymore. This also means, we need to find a new clinic and the consult/original plan we had in place, is a bunch of meaningless shit now.

A pair of "GET SOME" panties from VS, that screamed at me as I walked by for me to buy them, I did however, refrain from doing so, thank you.

Wine. Beer. Shots. wine, beer & shots. These need no explanation other then they and my friends, keep me sane. Disclaimer: I am NOT an alcoholic

Other real-life moms, moms who admit, that on several occasions we have seen a beautiful pond just beyond a grassy knoll and contemplated driving right into. Real moms. If you can't admit to never wanting to drive your car of screaming kid(s) into the pond, you're not real. I mean we never really would, but at the time, its very appropriate and you're not fooling anyone by saying you having thought of doing it.

oh and my baby would be due Friday.



This is my mood right now, maybe from the coffee triple shot. Oh and I hope that cute little preggo's baby looks exactly like this.



horror stories & hustlers. oh, and my ovaries still suck

I am being suffocated by baby news on fb. It's like a friggin' horror movie and everywhere I turn there is Freddy Fuckin' Grueger's uterus, you know, if he had one. One is in labor right now, posting hourly vagina updates, two are due in a few weeks and seven others continually boast about their impending motherhood.  I haven't even been logging onto my favorite TTC website, I've become this bitter bitch who 'hides' anyone who is pregnant on fb, ignorance is bliss and I'm happy as a clam to not see someones uterus, cervix dilation update or 'my baby is a small grapefruit this week' tickers, unless you're one of my really good friends, then I just stalk the shit out of your uterus. I've been finding it hard to breathe in most of areas of life lately. I've got the full weight of work on my shoulders and I know my boss is stressed, she's running herself ragged taking care of her unhealthy husband but when is too much, too much? When I'm standing here in the office rocking back and forth telling people about cats I don't have? or when there is no possible way I can do an IUI because it doesn't 'fit' in the schedule? I'm trying my hardest to free the work weight from her shoulders and I'm doing a pretty damn good job but man are my knees getting weak with everything. We all have issues in life, we all have stress and burdens but we have to always know we're not the only ship in the ocean and we must always, forge ahead. If there is anything at all that I've learned over the past few weeks, work, life and TTC wise, its that you can spend the rest of your life worrying about the future and no amount of worry will change a thing. Live a day at a time and take it as it comes. The only way to get to tomorrow, is by living today.


Yep, googled "weight on shoulders pics" and got this. eff you, google. EFF YOU.


I had an amazing birthday weekend, I truly have some of the best friends and family and am lucky enough to be able to share all my special moments with them. We grilled out, sat around laughing at each other and sipped our beer. My parents took the little for the night so some of us could go out and continue the celebration without parental judgement. So needless to say, I spent Sunday sweating out the alcohol by the pool. We got home that evening and still had a few chores to do leftover from the party and get in bed by 9. I would have made it 7 if possible. I learned that I'm way to old to be stayin' out till 4:30am. We got a knock on the door at about 6, I was just cleaning up dishes and such so the hub answered it said he'd be back in a minute and left. I figured a neighbor just needed help with something, about 20 minutes later he comes back with said neighbor. I hadn't met this guy, he's about five houses down, came in, introduced himself, chatted non stop about everything and had a nice recliner for sale and the hub wanted me to look at it. Sure, I'm all for meeting new neighbors and being nosey and checking out the inside of their house so we walk over. He gave us the grand tour of his house, full of millions of dollars worth of furniture and customization, he claims he bought the house six months ago but I'm almost positive he's renting, and renting it as is, meaning none of the shit he was bragging about was actually his. We get to the theatre room where the chair is, its a nice massaging chair, leather, smells like smoke and gumbo but I'm not judging and I'm not tryin' to pay $125 for it. He sweet talks, compliments and gravels to get me to buy it.We're building a deck, I have no cash and I really just don't want the damn chair. I nicely try to tell him just that, but he kicks it into hustle mode, like a broke car salesman feindin for a signature on the dotted line. My hub, all the while feeding the guys habit, trying to be as nice as possible. I'm trying to read the hub, wondering if he really does want the chair but soon realize dude has other motives. "well, you could give me half the money now, half later? I could drive you to the bank to get cash? Could you just give me a loan then, anything will help me out. My wife and I are diabetic and we're really low on insulin and CVS is closing soon. We really need it" is this really happening? Had he caught me a few hours earlier my response would have been "look bitch, I'm hungover as shit, I don't like being hustled and since when did they start calling crack, insulin?" or "Sure, hop in the car, I'll grab the roofies before we leave so I can get butt raped while we're at it!" I really wasn't sure what to say, his motives turned from neighbor introducing himself inviting us over for drinks to crackhead so desperate for a hit he's knockin' on people's doors and begging for cash. I wasn't about to lend him a dime, he'll be like a stray cat after that and never leave. There were so many things wrong with the bigger picture, if this was his million dollar house, why was he so hurt up for cash? If you were a true diabetic, wouldn't you have at least some 'back up' insulin, shit heat some sugar up with a spoon and hit it, I'm sure he knows how to do that! Finally, we were able to get away only because the hub told him to ask our other neighbors, which he did, and they gave him $20 for his habit. Awesome. Swear to god if he comes near my house anymore I'm calling the cops and telling them he's hiding Mexicans in his basement.