The memories have left you broken and the scars have never healed

You always remember what you were doing, who you were with and the moment that something life changing happens. It’s like the groundwork to who you become, the dots to which lines will be added to in life.

Before my husband proposed, my brother and I were waiting for him in my car and I opened the glove box for something and there a ring box was. I quickly shut the glove box knowing full well I wasn’t supposed to see it and my brother and I never spoke of it again. My husband had planned a whole trip up to the Shenandoah Mountains (to this day I’m unsure why as I’m the last person you want to take hiking anyway, I’m about as athletic as an overweight smoker) but it was raining that day and I put up a big fight about not wanting to go, after seeing the ring box I understood why he was so persistent about going. We didn’t go and he ended up asking me in my parent’s living room in the house I grew up in. He came in, turned the movie I was watching off and got down on one knee and asked me to marry him on that rainy September day. I had a hint it was coming since I stumbled upon it, but it didn’t make that moment any less special, the moment I knew who I wanted to grow old with. That house carries a lot of memories with it and was only appropriate it hold the one that would start the rest of my life.

The night we decided we were ready for a family. It was December 10^th; I had stopped taking birth control at the beginning of the month and knew we should start trying around the 14^th because ‘normal’ people ovulate around day 14 of your cycle. We lit candles and made it romantic for our very first night of actual baby-making sex, which is much different then the “pull and pray” we’d been practicing since high school. We figured we would have good news to share the next month or so, little did we know the long emotional road that lied ahead of us, the road that ended up making us stronger, the same road that led me to being a mom.

The day I found out I was pregnant, was actually quite a surprise. It had been a 16 month wait and late periods and negative pregnancy tests were common occurrences, on a monthly basis. It was a Friday morning in late August and I was getting ready for work, I had a few pregnancy tests left over from the previous month and realized I was about three days late and thought, what the hell, I’ll probably ruin my whole Friday but the desire to pee on a stick was much needed that morning. I peed, brushed my teeth and went to throw the test in the trash but on this particular morning, 16 months of disappointment and reoccurring one pink lines, there were TWO pink lines, two dark pink lines. I kept the secret all day long because I was sure I would go home and the lines wouldn’t be there but I busted out the big guns with the digital and there is no mistaking the word “pregnant”. To this day I can still feel the excitement in my soul.

The moment I laid eyes on my beautiful baby girl, is completely unexplainable. It was a long wait, a hard labor and all of the pain went away the second I saw her. The dim lights in the room, the family anxiously waiting in the sitting area and the looks of pure admiration from my husband are etched into my being. It was 9:04 at night and as exhausted as I was after the nurses went to their stations and our families had retreated for the night, I couldn’t make myself close my eyes because if this was actually a dream, I didn’t want to wake up from it. She is the answer to my dreams and this unbelievable amount of love I have in my heart, began with her.

Loss, we all experience it. From our first pet passing to an older grandparent, death is a part of life. I was always lucky enough to not have lost many people close to me. A few great grandparents when I was little and a couple grandparents as I got older, you hear of people losing close ones on the news all the time and I was always really naive to it because I had never experienced the loss of someone I was really close to. It was a beautiful October day, we had spent the day at the pumpkin patch picking out the perfect pumpkins to carve. My friend TJ and I had texted back and forth a few times laughing about the night before when we all went out for drinks, he was anxious about turning 21 in a few days, the last text he sent was “all hell will break loose when I’m 21!”. We went back to my brother in laws house for pizza and I had just heard that TJ was in an accident, so I called his mom and the only thing she said was “He’s not breathing Stac, he’s not breathing”. These words haunt me to this day. I sat down, I couldn’t eat and we were in a house full of people and I’m not sure I was even able to breathe for the next 23 minutes. They were transporting him to Mary Washington Trauma where my sister in law was a nurse at, she assured me how good the trauma team was and I reassured myself that he would be ok, they will fix him right up and we’ll go see him tomorrow. The next phone call I got was my brother on the other end, asking if I had heard, Yes, I’d heard about the accident but nothing since then. The next words I heard made my knees weak, “He’s gone”. The days following were a blur, we celebrated his birthday best we could at his parent’s house with all his friends, family, beer and cornole, just how he would have wanted it and his mom released 21 balloons at 9:00pm, when he was born. And he was laid to rest on the 28^th. With the one year mark being this Sunday, the 23rd, it stirs up all the pain, it stirs up all the emotions that came with not knowing the last hug or text was going to be the last one. The pain we try to subdue all year long seems to surface around this time, the pain that will always leave a dull ache in our hearts for the rest of our lives.  If there is anything anyone can learn from TJ, its he lived everyday like it was his last. He experienced life with a smile and went out riding on something he loved doing that his friend only gave him the chance to do, a street bike. I hate the sound of them, I can’t look at them but it made him happy and he died, while living. Smells, places and materials always tie us to people, they always will and through these things you’re able to heal, remember and relive. The memories though faded, will last forever and whether it’s landing your first real job, laughing over coffee with someone who will be your forever, gazing into the eyes of your baby for the first time or saying goodbye to someone on a cool fall day, these moments made you the person you are today. Breathe in each moment and never forget what, or who, made you. Reminiscing on these times, even the hard ones, will help even the most lost soul, find their way back home. Each person, each experience and every love in your life has impacted it, whether you know it or not. It’s ok to laugh, its ok to cry and its ok to hug a little harder when it’s a bad day. Utilize your friends, especially the ones whom you don’t have to say a word to, the ones that just know you need them. Embrace your family, in every conceivable manner, family is the link to our past and the bridge to our future. It is tied to places, events and history. With all these felt details, life etches itself into memory.


Miss you TJ, a little more everyday.

www.inlovingmemoryoftjmullins.weebly.com

 

falling into place

October. A brand new month, it felt good to rip off the August and September months from the ol' calendar. Life seemed to have really tested me those two months, possibly two of the longest and most awakening months of my life. October is a good month to tell life to suck it! I'm holdin' onto the handlebars this month and drivin' on my own. I've been terrible with my temping, I've been terrible with baby making sex and I have yet to make an appointment with a new RE. I really let life take over in all aspects and I know there are many things out of my control but there are some things, I can fight for. But I also know, you can't let infertility consume your life, you have to live and sometimes its ok for it to go on the 'back burner', sometimes life and living it renew your strength. “Practice not wanting, desiring, judging, doing, fighting, knowing. Practice just being. Everything will fall into place.” Most of my weekends this month are cram-packed with gatherings with friends or family. Its just a precursor to the holidays and I love it. However, October is also bittersweet for me. While the excitement of fall and the upcoming events gives you a high, the harsh reality that the 23rd is the one year mark of my dear friends sudden passing bores a deep hole in my heart. I strive everyday to remember his voice, to be sure I never forget it. I scroll through pictures reliving each memory over the years and I truly wear his memorial tattoo like a badge of honor. Its weird, pain heals pain, for me anyway. Getting a tattoo can close a chapter of life, it can heal a hurt like no other and it can bring a happiness like nothing else. It helps you to move on as well as remember. As I'm moving forward in other aspects of life, a new tattoo is being drawn. To commemorate the things I've been through and to honor my daughter. It's healing.

**********

"Remember that time I threw up on the table and on my food? That was a bad day" "Yes, yes that was a bad day" "What's that smell?" "It's smoke, someone has a fire going" "It smells like ham! I like ham" This kid's awesomeness rattles my bones. I know she's legitimately mine when she busts out with random thoughts and "that's a bad day's" I hope she speaks her uncensored mind for the rest of her life. She's sassy, she freaks out when she doesn't get her way, she knows exactly which buttons to push to send you over the edge but oh is she pure, she'll be the first person to tell you if she likes (or doesn't!) something, if she tells you out of nowhere that she loves you, oh how she means it. Treat her right and she'll love you like nobody else. We took her to see her first movie in theatre, complete with bag of day old popcorn and the biggest Sprite we could get. If you're going to get the full movie experience, you have to do it all, at least this once. We saw Lion King 3D and were the only ones in the theatre. If you're ever going to go to a movie, go on a Wednesday at 6:40, you'll never be sorry and we still made it home in time for Modern Family. The $50 in tickets and movie snacks were worth it because, we were making memories. Good memories, pumpkin carving in the fall, hot chocolate in the winter, vacations in the summer and movies on rainy days. Memories will always outweigh everything else, because without memories, life would suck. Memories will always teather you to certain places, people or things. Memories will make you smile or cry but everyone of them shaped you into the person you are. You are stronger for the tough memories, you are better for the happy ones and you are more wise for the bad ones.

yes, we are always this goofy.

Happy Thursday!  Dance class for the little and wine&dine with our favorites, I've got memories to be had!

hitting walls and getting scars, makes you who you are

I have a tendency to dwell on the past, relive moments and try to pick them apart and understand how each one molded me into the person I am. I tend to smoke the emotional crack pipe. I tend to tie smells and material things to people. I hate really floral smells or flower galleries, they all remind me of funerals and pain. Bustin' out the pumpkin spice candles to commemerate the begining of fall. The smell of coffee brewing reminds me of days when I was pregnant with Lily, that I would meet dad in the mornings before work. Vanilla Bean Frap's with extra caramel remind me of simpler days and a dear friend. Diesel trucks give me goosebumps. I am a firm believer that each person you encounter in life, is for a reason, that good things fall apart so better things can come together. I believe I find my strength in pain.  I am no longer burdened. My will, my faith and my body have been challenged but make no mistake, my heart is strong and my resolve to fight will never be broken.  Don't regret, if it's good, it wonderful. If it's bad, its experience. I know I have a tough few days, weeks, maybe months in front of me. I know I'm already on the path to a better me, a better wife and friend. I'm learning to wait out the storm with the people that mean the most to me. I'm learning just exactly who I am. I've made a mess of me, the person I've been lately ain't who I want to me, but you stay right here beside me and watch as the storm blows through, and I need you. A new me, a new chapter. Said leaf turning, starts now.

Had CD 21 blood work yesterday, er CD 28 for me because we all know how utterly awesome my ovaries are. I see a distinct shift in my chart so maybe I did ovulate this month, I should have those results today or Monday. This trip to the OB was the same as all the others--preggo's, sonograms floating around, happy smiling faces. I do my best to bury my head in my phone, even if I'm just looking at the same facebook posts over and over again, beats the hell out of looking through a pregnancy magazine. Blood work appointments are pretty fast, in and out in a couple minutes usually. When I'm leaving the office and walk out of the door back into the waiting room, where everyone stares you down for a baby bump, sometimes I pretend that the blood work was for a pregnancy test, maybe other people wonder that too, or maybe I'm just crazy. I'm not denying the fact that I'm crazy, btw. Work is still consuming my life and between the infertility and extreme loneliness, I've ditched the pretend cats and traded them for a parrot, a cool parrot named Lewis. I'm just kidding, but really, if I start talking about how Lewis shits everywhere and I'm sick of cleaning it up, for the love of god save me. It's Friday, its a gorgeous morning, one of those morning that reminds you that fall, is just around the corner. For some reason, you can't help but be happy on these mornings, even with all that's going on in life. The coffee is a little better, the sun is a little brighter and the little in the backseat welcoming the morning rays, is a little sweeter.

Sweet jesus Lewis, hold yourself together.

Bring on life, happy weekend friends!

fire in the sky, can't you see that all my castles are burning?

Bridges. We walk them. We jump from them. We stand in awe of their structural beauty. We watch them crumble into small fragments of debris after explosions and most certainly, we burn them. Sometimes unintentionally, sometimes knowing full well that's exactly what we're doing but always, it always hurts to see the wreckage, and to feel the aftermath of a fire in the sky. To pick up the pieces that are left behind seems to be harder than leaving them there to form as one with their surroundings. I'm learning just how devastating this can be. I'm right in the middle of it, ash falling onto my shoulders, watching my world through shattered pieces of glass.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm the ghost of a total stranger and I can see things happening right in front of me but no matter what I do, the outcome doesn't change. I know I always say all the right things and yet, I still can't change. Why is it so hard? There is nothing wrong with change as long as its in the right direction. I can see all the elements of my life that I need to change and for the life of me, can't. I've never had a weight problem but I imagine its a lot like that. Just one more muffin won't hurt, but then you are devastated when you step on the scale, yet time and time again, you give in. Its a vicious cycle and pain itself, is an addiction. Compromise, you can't always get what you want, give a little, get a little. You can seclude yourself in this cocoon you create of your life but eventually, reality will bite you in the ass. You don't come out a glorious butterfly, you wake up in the real world where things are nothing as they seemed. You come out beaten and bruised and in a world that is nothing like the one created in your head. But you have to open your eyes, you have to take on reality, guns blazing. We all have a weakness, a strength. We're all good at something, terrible at something else. We give and take and these elements make us who we are. I believe if you're not going to do something, be something or adventure into something who heartily, then there is no point in doing it. If you're not going to give it your all, don't do it at all. I also know that being a hard head comes with a price, it can make you appreciate everything on another level or, it can make even the easiest elements of life, difficult. Some things though, you can't learn the hard way. Some things, you have to know before its too late. You can chose to have the life you want to live, even if that means slapping a band aid over a hole in your heart, even if you feel like that hole will remain in your heart for the rest of your life, you can chose to keep that band aid over it, and move on. You can chose what's right for your family over what you want. That's the great thing about life, the possibilities are endless and there are options, even in the worst of situations. The problem is, finding the strength to push against the pain in your heart and be a better person, be a better you, build your character and have faith that whatever decision you make, was the right one. No looking back, only pushing forward. My husband is amazing and is taking our situation remarkably well, it shows his character, his strength and his love for our family. His views and faith that making it over this speed bump in our road, will only make our bond stronger. I have to be better, stronger and face the pain of this head on. There are no solutions, no easy answers to pain, you just have to fight through it, because you can't outrun it and life always makes more.  "Well it seems as if all my bridges have been burned, But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works. Its not the long walk home that will change this heart, But the welcome I receive with the restart.."

I've learned that even the most irrevocable damage can be forgiven but the scars will forever remain. I'm learning that the bridge, can be rebuilt. It may take months, it may take years but that bridge can be rebuilt. I'm learning that its not what life throws your way, its how you react to it and above all I'm learning that "faith makes things possible, not easy."

where the sand meets the shore

Vacation was everything I expected, I'm still still shaking sand from orifices, you know that's a good time. Spent some time basking in the sun, exfoliating in the ocean and of course, partaking in Jesus juice. er, wine. And I got my rook pierced! Don't be scared--it's just part of the ear. The piercer asked my tolerance level for pain, if he only knew, a sunny-side up baby, two tattoos, losing one of the most important people in my life and unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant for almost two years, yeah, I know pain sir. Of course, I let him off easy with the, I'm scared to death of needles but can manage pain pretty well. Any factor of pain can't touch what infertiles go through everyday. I think gouging my eyes out would be more tolerable than going through all the motions each month, only to always end up with the same result. The hub knew I'd been toying with the idea of getting it done and lets face it, when I 'toy' with ideas, its basically just letting him know that I'm going to do it. He actually took it much better than expected, maybe he's finally embracing my wiggly circle. lord knows it's not easy. His take on body/image altering things is "what kind of example are you setting" for the little. The awesome thing about her, she doesn't see tattoos or piercings. She doesn't see scars, stretchmarks or blemished skin. She doesn't see wiggly circles or straight arrows. She only sees me, if only the whole world could see people the way she sees me. The example I'm setting? Be who you are. Express yourself in whatever way that makes you feel alive, live in the moment and always believe in yourself.

 I'm feeling totally overwhelmed at work, I do it to myself. I always take on too much, I always think I can do it all. I know, no moderation. I have a hard time with lines and an even harder time asking for help. I guess I like the whole superwoman feeling, that is, until my cape tears and I come crashing to the ground, only then realizing even superwoman can't do it all.  I'll take one more step into the ocean and let it consume me rather than dancing along the edge where the sand meets the shore. We all like gratitude, we feed off it. Like the little ones who do anything in their power for a little parental praise, I guess we never really grow out of that. We always like to feel appreciated, we like to 'do it all' for a little recognition. There are days when I work late, take the little to the dentist, make dinner, clean up, put the little in the bath, find a few minutes to bathe myself and maybe get to sit down for a few before bed but its all worth it when, at the dinner table, she says "good job, mom!" Yeah, there it is-- I am appreciated, even if it is by a three year old, Dora loving toddler. My mom has been under the scrutiny of her fellow co-workers who are being inundated with grandchildren. Three of which are having 'surprise' babies, one who went through two IVF cycles to conceive their first two boys and unexpectedly found out they are pregnant with a third. This person in particular wasn't too thrilled about it. Really? You spent thousands of dollars for the two you have and you got a surprise like this and you're not thrilled? At this point I would be thrilled if a alien fetus came crawling out of my body, I would totally love that little ugly alien fetus. My mom knows my issues and luckily understands how hard this is for me, so even with her coworkers 'pressuring' her about when she'll be grandma again, she knows her boundaries and knows that there is a chance, it may not happen. Appreciation comes in so many forms and no matter who we are or what we've done, we always needs a little recognition to keep pushing forward.

Yep, I could totally love it.

Our deck is slowly coming along and by slowly I mean we haven't even gotten past pouring the footers yet. The deck guy is supposed to finish next week.  My back yard has 16 giant cement filled holes in it, I just know I'm going to go to jail because someones beloved fluffy comes over and gets stuck for days before we notice. It would have been so nice to come back from vacation to a complete deck, however, I'm all for saving 3 G's. I may need it to be bailed out of jail over fluffy. My birthday is Saturday, generally I don't do much for them, don't care that I'm getting older but this year, since my uterus is still vacant and my liver is in its prime, we're lettin' the Morrison Madhouse freak flag fly and havin' a cookout. What better way to spend your day of birth? Margs, friends, littles and a sprinkler? I just put Marg's before friends, didn't I? Don't judge. We'll probably have most of the gathering in the front yard, redneck style, to avoid the falling into any of the deck holes, I may be to inebriated to notice, for days. I'm most happy in that element, my favorite people around and some Yeungling yes, I said it, I've branched out from Bud Light *pats self on back*

Happy weekend friends!

Compromise, couponing & Corona's

I'm not big at couponing, I try, which usually means me cutting a few out of the Sunday paper and generally forgetting to use them when I go to the store, leaving them to expire by the time I actually remember I have them. I've never been big at finding the best deal on anything, but since moving into the bigger house I'm finding I need to be better, I need to try and save money where I can. I'm slowly trying to break into the whole couponing world and I'm finding 'the early bird gets the worm' is the motto. I went to Safeway for their weekly deals, granted I didn't go on 'opening' sale day but I figured I was stepping in the right direction by expanding my possibilities and going somewhere other than Wal-Mart for my shit. Apparently, couponing is a sport. For the love of everything holy, all I wanted were the .99 pantyliners, .99 toothpaste and the $4.50 pizza (which I did manage to get)  I mean I'm all for the couponers, but seriously? If I ever blog about my 'steals' of 50 boxes of tampons, 100 tubes of toothpaste and my trek all over town for .99 pantyliners, farm hand me. I was running late (surprise, right?) and didn't want to ask someone if there were more in back for fear of the poor unassuming cashier feeling the wrath of a hormonal infertile who got her period this month and can't find any god damn .99 pantyliners. This is what us humans do, we compete, for everything. We find a good deal, but want a better one. And when we do find a good deal, we take all that's left of it.  We're constantly on the look out for the next best thing. We are freaks. My husband has told me on occasion, you don't always get what you want. Life is compromise and sometimes, you have to let things go. Why is it so hard for us to be happy with just what we have? Like you won't be happy until you have every single .99 item the grocery store has but really once you get there and you do have it all, you'll still end up searching for more. You'll always want the next bigger thing, you always think that if you just had a little more, you'd be happy. Really though, you have to choose to be happy. You make the choice in the morning to wake up and be happy, happiness is not a destination, its a way of travel. You can choose to be jealous of the neighbor with the Audi, three kids and pool or you can be happy with your Saturn, only child and .99 pantyliners. For me, someone telling me I can't have something, only drives me. It adds fuel to the fire of life and makes me want to prove that I can, whatever I set my mind to, I do it. By standers can see a train wreck coming from a mile away but for some of us, we have to experience it, live it and learn from it before we can really understand it. Compromise, like anything, is hard. I have a hard time saying 'no' to anything. I take on too much, always. My plate is always full. I try not to bear my weight on anyone else's shoulders (unless its a quick venting sesh to clear my brain for the big stuff) and too many times I carry my own weight and then some. I don't even know if I'll be able to take on the IUI in September, mentally or physically. I've got a lot of my bosses weight on my shoulders and am feeling slightly overwhelmed with the pace of work already.  Its good to be challenged, to be aware of what you can handle and to gain experience in areas you can learn from. I think you learn a lot about yourself when you challenge yourself. If .99 items make you happy, then for the love of god go crazy and buy them all. I realize this post was a little all over the place, not even really sure what I was getting at, this is how my brain works and I didn't feel like tying things together so its a bit of a cluster of thoughts. I promise when I get back from vaca, I'll do better.

We're leaving for vacation Saturday, staying with my sister in law and her family who are stationed in Jacksonville, NC. I'm leaving work, infertility and worry behind. I'm replacing those things with beer, a beach chair and sunshine on my shoulders. There is something so soothing about the smell of coconut sunscreen, salty air and sand in your ass crack.

every day I'm hustlin'

Ovulation. Your hormones, ferimones, all your 'mones have done their job, your egg (a shriveled up pea as I envision mine) has made its way down your fabulous fallopian tubes and has with any luck been felt up by one of some 75 million motile sperm, so long as my withered cervix allowed their entry, we know what a bitch she is. We wait, we wait another week. I'm totally trying to be that one success story you hear about. Girl has surgery, girl can't conceive naturally, girl takes out loan to pay for fertility treatment, surprise bfp a few months before planned procedure. BANGO! This was my un-planned month and it just so happens we had glorious baby-making sex the day O was confirmed! Don't worry, I'm not all up on my high horse with hope because getting pregnant for me, is much like hitting the mega-million lotto, it can be done, but even if you play it enough, the chances are still one in 2.5 million  (or rather one in 75 million) of you winning. You know all the odds are against you but there is still that little crevice of hope you hold onto that maybe, just maybe, you will win. I think no matter how many times your hopes are shattered or how numb you try to make yourself, part of you can never quite give up on the hope of something because sometimes, that's all you have left.

Well, it seems as though my role of playing boss last week, might being turning into an actual lead part. In my last post I blogged about how in a few years I may be taking over my business, but with my bosses husbands health declining, a few years has turned into a few months. I won't be the complete owner, my boss still wants a hand in the business but I will be responsible for all in office work, which is 98% of what we do. I will have new hours, which are only a half hour difference than what I'm working now and I will have to work Fridays, something I haven't done but on occasion in three years. I think I'm most upset about that because since the day Lily was born, we've spent our Fridays together. We usually get our grocery shopping done in the morning and spend the rest of the day at the playground, pool or getting in a little retail therapy. I love my Fridays with my girl, just me and her. I know it probably won't phase her in the least, she loves her friends at daycare but I hate giving up that extra time with her. Work consumes so much of our lives anyway. There are a few options and avenues but essentially if I'm going to do this, be a business owner, I'm either all in or not at all. I mean, I knew this was coming, I just didn't expect it to be so soon but when the opportunity arises, sometimes you just have to go with it. If its not a good fit for my life, then we'll go down that road when we get there. Life is about change lord knows I change things as much as I change underwear except when it comes to my job and my man, these things have been consistent for years,  its about stepping out of your 'comfort zone' and doing whats best for your family. And while I have many thoughts as to what I want to do when I grow up, from Sonographer, designing cakes with penis cakes being my specialty (kidding!) and stay at home mom, right now, the decision to move forward as owner, best fits. It may not always fit, I may follow through with school and sonography but in the moment, this is the best decision. My dear friend was faced with a similar situation about a year ago and the opportunity for her to be a SAHM presented itself and on many occasions, I hear her talk of how that was the best choice she ever made, for her and her family. They may have to cut back on occasion but all in all, she's so happy with missing the hustle and bustle as a busy working mom. Balance, its all about balance.  You save that load of laundry for another day and spend a couple extra minutes reading before bed. You get out a little late, stop for ice cream before dinner. You have a bad day, roll down all the windows and sing your loudest to the little's favorite song don't think I haven't belted out some Barney now. I love hanging up the work hat as I close my office door and stepping into the baby sitter's, as mom. Our lives are defined by our opportunities, even the ones we miss. I don't want to look back on this and wish I had gone for it. I want to try, I want to look back and say I tried, even if it doesn't work, if I suck at it, I gave it my best. I'm always open to experiences and if I've learned anything, its success and failure go hand in hand. To be successful at anything, you've had to experience failure. "Think like a queen. A queen is not afraid to fail. Failure is another steppingstone to greatness"  yeah, Oprah knows her shit too. I think this goes for everything in life, to really be successful or reach a goal of anything, you've had to of fallen down at some point, that's part of life but getting back up, is living.

Un-planning, stiletto sprints & peacocks?

 Be crazy, just not send-her-to-the-looney-bin crazy. Have one or more, you know I don't judge more glass of wine. Say I love you too much, but only if you mean it. Hit the gym, then indulge in an 800 calorie milkshake which will in doubt, bring all the boys to the yard. Buy that purse or cute shoes in my case that you've been wanting, you deserve it. Rock those four-inch stilettos that you know you can't walk in but look damn good doing it. Life's little moments are what mean the most, I spend so much time in the 'what if' or trying to 'plan' things that sometimes I forget that the best things that happen in my life, aren't planned at all. When I met my husband, I wasn't looking for forever, I was looking for right now. When I fell into my job which was a 'foot in the door' to the business world, a step up from wiping asses of a class full of three year old's and I'll be here eight years come November. My first house, it was when the housing market was in full boom, there were four contracts on the townhouse in six hours. My hub was out four-wheeling, I went in, fell in love with the house and signed the papers  yeah, he's still mad about that one and they picked me, it ended up being one of the most un-planned yet best choices I've made. Lily Grace, while I had pretty much lost hope that it was going to happen naturally, the month after a simple procedure, the month that we went on vacation and infertility was the last thing on my mind, the month I realized that my cycle was actually a few days late, that was the month I got to see those two pink lines, even though the fact that we were 'trying' wasn't a surprise or unplanned, actually getting pregnant, was. I'm learning, learning to let things go unplanned because some of the best things are impromptu pot luck dinners at the park with friends, a trip to the playground after work while rockin' said stilettos, scarfing down cereal for dinner so you can spend 30 extra minutes at the pool and how the smell of the grill will always bring friends or family over.

I've been boss at work all week since her husband is having surgery and its good because it gives me a taste of what its potentially going to be like in a few years, I need these weeks where I have to do things I wouldn't normally do, work later than usual and handle things that are a little out of my comfort zone. I need to be put in this position so I know what I'm in for and if I even like this role which aside from the whole being responsible for 40 clients finances, I like. It does however, make for a long day. We're the only two in the office so when she's not here and I don't see any clients all day, I get loopy. I can only sing the chorus to "Rolling in the Deep" into my phone so many times before it bores me and heaven forbid some unsuspecting client call the office, shit you not I keep them on the phone abnormally long telling them my life story because all I've been doing all day is inputting numbers, texting, eating 100 calorie snacks because it makes me feel like less of a fat ass and doing my best Adele rendition. Wednesdays are nice, that's delivery of the payroll day, people are always glad to see you. I don't generally do deliveries so when I get to, its nice. I get a wawa sub for lunch, stop by Yankee Candle and mingle with clients, I totally make a day out of it. There is one place in particular the we deliver to that has a pet peacock, or a peahen rather, since its a girl. btw who has them as pets?really? I'm terrified of it, its big has glorious colorful feathers and it scares me to death. I hate even getting out of my car, I know its lurking and I know its intrigued by my being there. It really is a sight, my full on stiletto sprint from the car to the porch back to the car. One time I swear we had a stand off, that son of a bitch was exactly where I needed to be to pick up a folder, it was like a death stare and whoever looked away first lost. I lost, I know they say to never stare into the eye of a gorilla and I didn't want to find out if it's the same protocol for a peahen. It finally meandered back to its grounds and I was able to dart to the porch and back. I should get hazardous pay for this shit. You see, this is what happens when I'm alone all week, I do however promise that the peahen was an actual encounter and not just hallucinations of a crazy bookkeeper. Just another reminder that unplanned deliveries and peahen encounters only add to the little moments of life, the moments that make you laugh and the moments that make you go home and enjoy that well deserved glass of wine. because your encounter was THAT terrifying ;)

Scary, right?

Happy weekend friends!

greener grass

Advice. You go looking for it, you read books or articles in Cosmo, you seek friends wisdom, you ask for 'signs' and you search within yourself for the answer to which you're seeking. But the truth is, even when you've gathered all the facts, you've done your deepest soul searching and you know what you should do, you still can't bring yourself to accept it. The grass is always greener on the other side. Every decision has a consequence, every right has a wrong and part of going for what you want, means losing something else.  Life isn't black and white, it's not pass or fail, there is so much 'grey area' to life. I think no matter what 'answer' you find, it will never be good enough, it will never be what you want to hear. It takes work to be better than the rest, to be content with your heat-worn, dried out brown grass and to be a better you. You're always going to question whether or not you made the 'right' choice, big or small, you'll always wonder 'what if' you went with the other choice, how different might things be. You can't sweat your choices, especially after they are made, the word spoken or rock thrown can't be taken back. You have to be confident in your choice and have faith that where you're at, is exactly where you're supposed to be. You can't out run your choices and life always makes more. Whatever is may be, exercise, a new car, a baby or a really cute pair of shoes. Be confident in yourself. I'm not going to make my choice, I'm going to let it make me.

This morning could not be any more beautiful, its a front porch sittin', coffee drinkin', taking in the sweet honeysuckle breeze morning wish I could do just that, Instead I'm tackling the day with said coffee, computer screen and an office phone that won't stop ringing, grass is always greener eh? We spent most of the weekend at the pool and when we weren't at the pool, we were bumming food off of family. If you know me, you know I'll do ANYTHING to not have to cook, don't get me wrong, I don't mind cooking, I cook 5 days out of the week generally but if I can keep from it, I do. I'll drive hours to not have to cook. I'm not one of those, "invite but probably won't come" people, if you invite me for food, I will be there. We went to my sister in laws new place Saturday for a cookout, a friend and her husband had just gotten back from a two week Mediterranean cruise must be nice right? and brought a bottle of wine and not your ordinary sip till it feels good wine, there was a picture of a volcano on the bottle. We get the idea to do shots of volcanic ash act like you didn't know that was coming It literally felt as if I had ingested a shot of hot sauce, followed by a dash of flame. WHY would they even make this stuff, better yet WHY would anyone drink it? I, myself have never had heartburn but I'm sure it was just like that, like a person with heartburn, downing a plate of Mexican food sans fork. I'm pretty sure I breathed fire the rest of the night, dragon style. This same couple just started trying for a baby, as in, just took her last 'sugar' birth control pill. Their motto, "instead of practice makes perfect, practice makes baby" I remember what it felt like, the first month of officially 'trying' and all the excitement and how naive you are to think you would never have problems, I miss that. I miss the innocence of 'practice makes baby'. This is also a couple who probably shouldn't procreate, I've never met two people who are more stuck on themselves in all my life. I know, who am I to judge who should procreate, right? Whatever, I'm allowed to bitter, I'm sure her glorious pearls of eggs are anxiously awaiting sperm with baklava and a glass of wine that's how this couple rolls.  I swear to god if in 28 days she announces her pregnancy, the dragon within me will commence.

Appropriate. Beautiful. Enjoy.