This just in: LAP surgery & we're going to need more wine!

I had my appointment with my new RE this morning. I like Dr. R! I didn't feel rushed and his waiting room Better Homes/Parenting magazine ratio pleased me. Props to you on that one Dr. R, not all of us like seeing babies and fertile mothers and their fertile smiles on every single magazine cover. Anyway, I had to get a pap, my last one was in 2009, right after my CKC surgery so I'm WAY overdue for one. I'm a little nervous to get the results back, I have an eerie feeling that my dysplasia is back, which will halt TTC plans until its taken care of. I'm hoping that is not the case and that the surgery has done its job! On the TTC front, he's going to schedule a Laparoscopy before we move onto more invasive, money spending procedures such as the IUI. In short, they insert a tube and dye thru your belly button and check your tubes for signs of endometriosis or anything else that could be causing problems. He suggests this first because if we were to go ahead and do the IUI and there be some blockage in my tubes, the IUI and two g's would all flush right down my tubes because if the egg can't travel down them, then the hub's eager 75 mil sperm can't woo it with their dirty talk and lemonade. I'm pretty sure that's how it happens. I think this is a good plan, I'm ready for it, I'm ready for what's next in life. I'm ready for you January!

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I've got all my shopping done but still need to make one quick trip the the 'burg. I'm so over shopping for other people, I'm way more of a fan of shopping for myself. Ho, friggin' Ho, right? I have to clean house this weekend in preparation of Christmas dinner at our house. I don't think in the history of ever that I've cleaned my whole house at one time. I'm not one of those people. Growing up, my mom would designate weekends as 'house cleaning weekend' Hell to the nah in my house. If somethings dusty and its starting to bother me when the sun hits it just right, then I'll dust that bitch. If socks start sticking to the floor, I may feel the urge to mop it. I just have to be in a cleaning mood to really want that Clorox smell looming in the air, but mood or not, it must be done this weekend. I'm so ADD in many ways that its impossible for me to start one thing and finish it, I start five things before I ever finish what I first started with. I need a list. A cleaning list. I'll start that today. oh god, I bet my mother has 'cleaning lists'. I was proud of myself for getting out an e-vite to the Morrison side of the family for Christmas dinner, before Christmas Eve. I'm sure they are second guessing letting me take over this whole thing this year after my invite, but whatevs, it will be glorious.

Actual lines from my Christmas at my house e-vite:

"Also, my wine bar has wine in it. Just sayin'. And, my 'Glee Christmas' CD will be playing on repeat for the entire day, because it's awesome. You've been warned. Also, We will provide the appetizers, ham, deviled eggs and holiday plates. Fight with each other over what else you would like to bring for sides because if you ask me, I'll tell everyone wine and pie because I really like those things" If that doesn't frighten people away from coming they must be really awesome or like wine & pie as much as I do.

And if they aren't fans of those awesome things, then I'm pretty sure they shouldn't be partaking in my ham, or Jesus juice, THANK YOU.

I get so tired staring at the walls, weights so heavy and that mountain so tall

No ovulation. WTF. Totally positive opk, massive amounts of perfectly timed BD'ing and my body fails me, as it does every month. Is it possible to gear up to O and not actually O? yes. why? WHY would your body do that. I guess I could have O'd but my temps are still kind of low and in the pre-o range so I'm guessing I didn't. I'm exhausted. The hubby is going to do his s/a on Wednesday on March 1st--he has to go in for a new patient consult since he hasn't been in 5 years and then they will schedule an analysis. We only have ONE urologist in the TWO counties we live/work in. Doesn't anyone go to school to be a urologist anymore?  I'm calling I called a new RE today to set up an appointment so we can do the IUI cycle as soon as possible. This RE is in the same area but the cost is a little better, as far as I'm concerned, the cost doesn't matter anymore.The hubby thinks otherwise, his exact words "where are you going to come up with $1,500.00?" (insert awkward silence here) I wish I had an answer. I'll do whatever I have to do to get this baby and pray that god has my back. It's hard when money controls destiny. Money will get me the IUI, not fate. I've been waiting 18 months for 'fate' to take over, get at me, fate!  Lily's getting older by the day, we wanted her and her sibling two and a half years apart (give or take), we'll be working on almost FOUR years now. I don't want her to remember a time when it was just her, I want her to have always known she grew up with a sibling. Obviously I have ZERO control over this and you can't plan things like this, well I can't anyway, my ovaries are that of an 80 year old woman apparently. The hubby's response to this "Who cares if they are four years apart?" (insert another awkward silence) I do, me. I care. No, the IUI isn't guaranteed but the chances are a HELL of a lot better. They use medication to grow nice, big follicles,  injectables to trigger ovulation and  place the best swimmers directly IN the uterus at the time of ovulation, bypassing any cervical mucus issues and any issues my cervix may have from my CKC surgery. I wish I could be as not as concerned about this as my hubby but its just not me. We're all getting older, my uterus is getting lonelier, my cervix is jacked up and maybe this is when I have to let go. If we can't afford IUI there is now way we'd ever be able to do IVF, so my only option? opk's, temping, bd'ing and praying. That's it.

The Potty Training Chronicles

Potty training, check. Yes, this kid potty trained over the weekend, she amazes me! Friday and Saturday we did the pull up/panties combo, the panties were great for letting her know she peed, the pull ups I could still do without, however they are nice on-the-go. Sunday she went commando the whole day and had NO accidents, zero! She would be playing, would realize she had to go, go to her potty, sit down and do her thing! We went to dinner that evening so obviously we had to put  a pull up on her, a little nudie probably isn't acceptable in a restaurant not to mention unsanitary. Anyway, she told me in the middle of dinner that she had to go, so we used the big, gross public restroom at Country Cookin' for the first time, and she went, she held it and went and made it home with a dry pull up! Success! I'm so excited for her, however I loved the convenience of diapers, never had to worry when we're in the back of the store with a cart full of groceries if she had to pee but whatever, that cart will be there when we're done (hopefully!) My little pixie is no longer a baby, she's a little girl.

Oh and Happy Valentine's Day!--just another infertile day for me. Hopefully, at least, I won't have to cook dinner! I will however, enjoy these delicious cupcakes and cookies my boss brought in, I may just eat them ALL!

The most appreciated things don’t come easy

The title basically sums up my life thus far.

A little background on myself, I've lived in the same area all my life. I bought a house and married my best friend when I was 19 (we'll be celebrating 7 years, this year! Hi-yo!) I know what I want, there are no 'grey' areas with me. It's black and white. We welcomed a beautiful baby girl, Lily Grace, into the world May 12, 2008 after 16 long months of TTC. She was conceived the month of my HSG procedure, you know, the one where they insert dye through your fallopian tubes to make sure they are clear. Apparently there wasn't a direct blockage but a lot of times this procedure clears the tubes of any 'debris'. She will be THREE this May, she's going to be the best big sister in the world, I want nothing more than to give her that. She inspires me every day.


After three years of trying to sell our much to small now townhouse we finally SOLD that sucker in May of 2010. The house we had a contract on was a short sale, never buy one, the name is so deceiving. It took 6 months, 6 MONTHS for us to move in, which I was told is minimal compared to what some are. Seriously? If I had to live with other people another day I would have ended up on the front page of the paper and NOT in a good way. We bounced from the townhouse , to my parents basement, to my hub's GG's and finally to our new house. Sounds exhausting, right? Not the best environments for baby-making!




I lost two grandfathers last year, within days of each other followed by the worst October of my life. With the sudden death of my dear friend TJ,who I've known my whole life, I wasn't sure how much more my heart could hurt. I don't need a stupid day or time to remind me he's gone. You know how I know? There is this hole in my heart that has been there since he left. I miss him every single day and long to find a way to survive this life, without him. Please check out his memorial page: http://www.inlovingmemoryoftjmullins.weebly.com/


AS far as baby #2 is concerned (or lack thereof of baby#2) We began 'trying but not trying' in November 09. I had my HSG procedure in May 10 and have been ovulating since June so really we've only been trying for 7 months, long months of medications, blood draws, temping/charting and heartache. I had CKC surgery in June of 2009 to remove cancerous lesions on the cervix, which can also inhibit our chances of conceiving as they 're-shape' the cervix. We met with an RE in August, I left the office feeling completely defeated. We met with the DR, a nurse and a finance lady whom all crammed a TON of information into our little brains, long story short, a simple IUI/injections cycle could help us a great deal, however it will set us back $3,000.00 PER CYCLE. Let me just crap out 3 G's and call it a day, if it were only that easy. I cried the whole way home, maybe we just weren't destined to have two children, maybe I'm not being thankful enough for the one I have. I've got a few dear friends online that ache to have just one and here I am sobbing for a second. But at the end of the day, we all share that common thread of heartache each and every month when we grieve our own silent grief.

We got a positive pregnancy test in December of 2010. Wait, we CAN do this ourselves?! What a relief! Sadly, this ended in an early miscarriage at 5weeks. Just when I thought 2010 couldn't get any worse, it did. I do believe that your life 'plan' is all mapped out before you get here, down to the people you meet. I think miscarriages are baby's whose 'plan' changes, some last minute change to the plan and that the baby will come back to you, it is yours, it just needed the plan to be perfect. This leaves us on today, Cycle day 42, 11DPO and anxiously awaiting a baby in my aching arms.