running, rescheduling & regrets

It seems I haven't ovulated yet, why does this surprise me? My body rarely works with me in ovulating on time, it kind of concerns me because I did Clomid CD 3-7 and you should O between 3-9 days after the last pill--which would have been CD 16, I'm on freaking CD 21. My chart is pretty lame and consistent so maybe there is still hope for this cycle, next month will be the one year mark since my HSG. I'm not sure if I'll need to have that done again, I know I will if I stop ovulating but in the scheme of things I don't know how long the good ol' tube cleaning lasts. The hub had to reschedule his s/a (again) because of work related issues so now of course he won't be seen until May 10th, another month away. It would just be nice to get this part of the process over with and to know whether there are problems there or not, at least we would have an idea of what we're up against. So more waiting for us, whats new? We're always waiting, waiting for whats next, for the next cycle, for the blood work results, waiting for the bigger picture. I'll wait for forever for my baby. One thing I always postponed was exercising. One time I had read that in woman who 'over' exercise right, like that's possible since my jaunt from the couch to fridge is exhausting it can cause their body to stop ovulating. I was always so afraid I would shock my body into healthiness and cause it to stop ovulating again, I mean clearly my ovaries have issues as it is, I didn't want to give them any more reason to crap out on me. I had been postponing running for a year and I stopped. I stopped worrying what if, because not exercising wasn't doing much for those eggs of mine so maybe, maybe running can be a good thing. I have a hard time with boundaries anyway, I walk that thin fine line between things like I'm walking on a tightrope. So I'm running, in moderation. I'm up to 2.5 miles in 30 minutes and I feel amazing. You get to the point where your past the "I think I'm going to pass out" phase and it feels as if you could run forever, you feel free. "Running is real. It's all joy and woe, hard as diamond. It makes you weary beyond comprehension, but it also makes you FREE"

I was talking to a dear friend yesterday, this is the same friend in this post that I swore I would say goodbye to, clearly I have not done that. Don't judge, I'm enjoying catching up. I know what I should do and what I need to do I'm just needing more time. Fate brought them back into my life for a reason and for the reason, I need them. I don't know how you're supposed to just forget someone who has impacted your life so much. Anyway, with all that's going on in my life, this friend makes me feel free, just like that running free I was talking about. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not being given my baby because I can't let go or because I maybe chose the road always traveled and should have went with the one less traveled. I know god sees the bigger picture and he has a plan for me and I may have what I think is what I want but if I really wanted it, I wouldn't be second guessing it. Sometimes, sometimes change is everything. Sometimes, as much as you pray about it, you have to realize its not in your control, its never been in your control. For once, it would be nice to control something in my life. Life changes us, we face our greatest fears and we learn from our mistakes. I guess all we can do is close our eyes, take a step and hope to god we make it. What's meant to be will always find its way.

so bring on the rain

 Oh, 80 year old ovaried body, how you love to taunt me. FF sort of confirmed ovulation for CD 19 (the day I had a semi positive opk) I must have been catching the beginning of the LH surge and the end on CD21, I'm still not completely convinced, my chart looks A LOT different then my prior charts, my post-o temps seem to look like my average pre-o temps. The cross hairs are dotted because some of my fertility signs don't match up, I haven't had much CM of any kind this cycle--who knows, maybe change on my chart is good, maybe change is pregnancy. It shows me at 8DPO, so I could  test in 4 days, however, I won't. I know AF will show, she will. 



This cycle's chart

 

An 'average' cycle's chart

Anyway, I came up with an answer to my hubby's question of "how are you gonna come up with $1,600.00?" Get a part-time job. I can work a few weeknights or weekends to come up with the money, I have no problem sacrificing a little time for a few months to save up enough money for the IUI. He was not amused by this idea. My plate is full as it is without adding another job into the mix, but its not forever, its a few months. The hard part, actually finding one. I would actually really like to work at a tanning bed, so what if you have to clean up people's sweat, I've cleaned up worse and free tanning while I'm making some cash? Holla!

I'd really like to start focusing on exercising. I trained for and ran a 5k last March and it was the best I've felt, ever. I'm not an exerciser, unless you count the sprints from the couch to the fridge. I want to feel that good about myself again. I'd like to take some Body Pump or Zumba classes so I'm looking for some in my area that I can take around work and shuffling Lily around. I think focusing on myself for once in my life and getting in shape will help keep the ttc weight off my shoulders. I hate leaving Lily for another hour out of the day but a healthier me will lead to me being around longer.

I was having a tough day Monday, ttc wise, TJ wise, just an all around asstastic day. About a week before I had asked for a sign, any sign to help me to know I was being heard, or what's next? I had no idea if I would even realize 'the sign' if it slapped me in the face, but I was sitting at the stop light, heavy heart and tears in my eyes and a song came on, I'd never heard this song and the lyrics were so important and at that moment, I got my sign.