Post-op, happy pills & dating

Post-op went great however I was slightly afraid that I was going to bleed to death. I didn't know you were supposed to bleed at all after the LAP but I've been bleeding for twelve days. TWELVE DAYS. Dr R didn't seem too concerned about it and said once it does stop, the next few months will be great for conceiving since he cleaned my pipes in the LAP. Oh yeah doc, about that...

I'm on happy pills. There, I said it. Big fat happy elephant out of the room. After the separation my mother was convinced that the choices I was making and whatnot where the stem of who knows what and that I should see a doctor. And hey, what do I know, maybe it could give me clarity. Or at the least help me with my ADD. or just make me more awesome. I've been on them for a full week, the doctor said it could take two fulls weeks to notice anything. I think I wake up every morning hoping to notice something, like "Unicorns are dancing on rainbows outside of my window!" BUT I'm a little more apprehensive about the side effects. I'm not tryin' to go all columbine and freak out on everyone. And I'm not trying to get fat OR lose any weight. I'm all for getting more awesome, though. I'm not clinically depressed or crazy well, I am crazy but not THAT kind of crazy but it should help me gather my thoughts, focus on them and figure out what in the hell it is that I want to do with my life.

*****

MY HUSBAND WENT ON A DATE. I have Lily Friday nights so when he dropped her off I asked what he was getting into and he was coy in saying he was going to dinner. A dinner with a chick. I relayed the message "what happens at your date, stays at your date. Except herpes, that shit comes back!" We're both entering a dating world, a world we never really experienced. We met in high school. We got married at 18. I haven't seen another penis in 10 years except in movies or pornos. (act like you were surprised) We have no idea what the hell we're doing. At some points I think we both get a little excited to experience this realm of new things, new people and places and sometimes at the end of the night when we're both laying in separate beds, in separate houses, I wonder if we're both thinking about the normalcy's of marriage that we miss. Who knows, we could be that couple that separates for six months or a year and come back to realize the grass isn't greener on the other side, its greener where you water it. And that the making it on your own, splitting time with your kid shit is crazy OR we could both find whatever it is we're looking for in someone else OR my biggest fear, I realize what I had and it be too late. I have no idea what is in store for us, I'm not sure where my journey is leading me, leading us but I'm learning if you want to live life, you have to live it free.

at least my pipes are clean

Well, my vagina is still intact and the Lap went well and although I still have no clear answer as to why I can't conceive, at least I know that my shits working! It was clarity in knowing that everything on the inside looks great so its just a matter of figuring out what exactly keeps it from happening and what to do about it. My post op is scheduled in two weeks and I'm assuming Dr R. will tell me what the next step would be. I do have a valid reason to be sketched out of the you-have-no-idea-what-they-do-to-you-when-your-passed-out thought because I woke up with a slight black eye and a scratch on my forehead. How does that even happen? At least my vagina was unaltered, that's all you can hope for! The healing process has gone well, the second day was the roughest with the incision pain and cramping but overall I'm happy with how things are progressing and I'm hoping to not have a Frankenstein belly button for too much longer. I've just been taking it pretty easy and relishing in the know that I  can have another baby, its just a matter of when.

Timing is everything.

Theory of an anesthesiologist and my LAP!

I'm anxious for my LAP surgery tomorrow, however I hate being under anesthesia. My last procedure I was spread eagle, knocked out in front of god knows how many people and the last thing I remember was a nurse skimming through People magazine as I was wheeled in, I mean I thought my vagina was more exciting than that but whatevs, so I always have this weird fear of people doing things to my vagina. Even though for this surgery they are making an incision through my belly button. Even though I know no one even cares about my vagina. Even though I know they would go to jail for shit like that. Still freaks me out. I'm anxious to finally get an answer, any answer, after two years of the old doctor doing the same things over and over. I am ready for this. I am ready to know. Bring on the IV of feel-good, the magazine skimmers and the vagina peekers! Just leave out the percocet, doc. It will make me puke. Everywhere.

My brother is taking me. Mainly because he's awesome. And he already knows my inappropriate talk of vagina's. After all, we did come from the same one.


Also, I was looking at my blog statistics and the post viewed more than any other post on my blog was titled "Poked, Prodded & Dildo wanded" What.the.fuck. Just goes to show what people browsing the Internet are interested it. Buncha sickos! I guess now I know what to label posts if I really want people to see them.

Maybe I should just label all of my posts "VAGINA".

good news for people who love bad news.

I got a call from the new RE office and they need me to come in to go over my lab and pap results, this was not expected as my next appointment was to be after and HSG and before the LAP. Awesome. I go in on the 28th at 4:00. I do think he is going to bypass the HSG and go right ahead with the LAP in January as we did the hsg in 2010 with no results. That, of course, is if all of my labs came back normal, but lets face it, its me, there is always something standing in my way. I kind of expected it. However, it could ALWAYS be worse. I could be the lady on the most recent episode of Call of the Wildman. I tried to find a youtube clip of it and I couldn't so my illustration below is pretty much exactly what she looked like, just so you can get the full affect of her awesomeness. A few questions I have, do you really need that many brightly colored hair clips designated to one area of hair? And just how to you get a possum infestation? I mean they aren't little bugs or mice that squeeze through holes, they are freaking possums. I'm pretty sure as 'turtleman' was telling her about her issue this is what was going through her head "I don't even know what the FUCK a possum is. I thought they were cats. I named them. Why are there cameras here? I need more hair clips."

If you haven't seen "Call of the Wildman", do yourself a favor and tune in. You're in for a real treasure. *insert obnoxious call of the wild he does*

******

Every year, my good friend and I exchange Christmas letters, you know, the one your great Aunt sends you about her extravagant traveling and hobbies? Yeah, well we mock the shitty parts of our lives in our letters. So to keep with tradition, I'll share mine this year:

Dearest friends and family,

I hope this Christmas letter finds you well.

Our year has been rather eventful. We spent weekends visiting wineries and enjoyed a summer vacation in the Outer Banks to avoid going home and having "Bruce Bruce" knock on our door for loan money for his "insulin" problem. Our deck was finally completed in October and as by then it was too cool to use it, we are looking forward to sipping margaritas on it next summer. Lily has been blossoming in Pre-school, her newest phrases are "Poopy-butt!" and "You worry 'bout yourself". She's also been doing a very good job at maintaining both of her personalities, we refer to them as Jackal and Hyde. Her extracurricular activities include dance, watching Beauty and the Beast on repeat and picking her nose. I celebrated my eight year anniversary as keeper of the books this year, I received an excellent evaluation and a small pay raise as we've lost clients this year. I also received more work as I run that shit on a daily basis. I'm thinking of getting a real parrot for the office to keep me company to replace Lewis, the fake one, who keeps me company now. I've been partaking in a few hobbies myself since being alone at the office, such as learning to side braid my hair, broadening my vocabulary at Words with Friends and expanding my vocal abilities with the likes of Adele. I'm pretty sure I should get employee of the month, every month. We made a charitable donation this year of $450 to Culpeper County and the Town of Culpeper for personal property. Its such an honor to be able to park our cars in our driveway in their county. I wouldn't have spent that money any other way!

Yet another year I regret to inform you that Lily did not become a big sister. My cervix has attachment issues to cancer and my tubes seem to be that of an 80 year old whore. So in planning for 2012, the Doctor will insert a scope through my belly button and out my pelvis to check my pipes for blockage. I knew I got rid of my belly button ring years back for a good reason, aside from the fact it would get caught on my mom jeans, I would hate to have to explain an infertility scar every time I flashed my bling. We made no big purchases this year as we've been trying to save for the making of another child, unless you include the brand new 1994 truck with 200,000 miles on it that we bought to haul the necessities of life and to get us back and forth to work in the two snowstorms per year we have.

Wishing you the happiest of holidays! belted in my Adele voice

Stacy

But seriously, have a glorious Christmas bloggy friends! I'll be making reindeer food to put on the driveway so they don't miss our house, baking cookies for Santa so he knows we appreciate him, making sure the 'repeat' button works on the CD player to ensure Glee Christmas plays non-stop and plotting ways to tell people to get the hell out of my house on Christmas after I've had enough of their cheer just kidding, sort of. Enjoy the food, company, cheer and of course, the wine!

This just in: LAP surgery & we're going to need more wine!

I had my appointment with my new RE this morning. I like Dr. R! I didn't feel rushed and his waiting room Better Homes/Parenting magazine ratio pleased me. Props to you on that one Dr. R, not all of us like seeing babies and fertile mothers and their fertile smiles on every single magazine cover. Anyway, I had to get a pap, my last one was in 2009, right after my CKC surgery so I'm WAY overdue for one. I'm a little nervous to get the results back, I have an eerie feeling that my dysplasia is back, which will halt TTC plans until its taken care of. I'm hoping that is not the case and that the surgery has done its job! On the TTC front, he's going to schedule a Laparoscopy before we move onto more invasive, money spending procedures such as the IUI. In short, they insert a tube and dye thru your belly button and check your tubes for signs of endometriosis or anything else that could be causing problems. He suggests this first because if we were to go ahead and do the IUI and there be some blockage in my tubes, the IUI and two g's would all flush right down my tubes because if the egg can't travel down them, then the hub's eager 75 mil sperm can't woo it with their dirty talk and lemonade. I'm pretty sure that's how it happens. I think this is a good plan, I'm ready for it, I'm ready for what's next in life. I'm ready for you January!

******
I've got all my shopping done but still need to make one quick trip the the 'burg. I'm so over shopping for other people, I'm way more of a fan of shopping for myself. Ho, friggin' Ho, right? I have to clean house this weekend in preparation of Christmas dinner at our house. I don't think in the history of ever that I've cleaned my whole house at one time. I'm not one of those people. Growing up, my mom would designate weekends as 'house cleaning weekend' Hell to the nah in my house. If somethings dusty and its starting to bother me when the sun hits it just right, then I'll dust that bitch. If socks start sticking to the floor, I may feel the urge to mop it. I just have to be in a cleaning mood to really want that Clorox smell looming in the air, but mood or not, it must be done this weekend. I'm so ADD in many ways that its impossible for me to start one thing and finish it, I start five things before I ever finish what I first started with. I need a list. A cleaning list. I'll start that today. oh god, I bet my mother has 'cleaning lists'. I was proud of myself for getting out an e-vite to the Morrison side of the family for Christmas dinner, before Christmas Eve. I'm sure they are second guessing letting me take over this whole thing this year after my invite, but whatevs, it will be glorious.

Actual lines from my Christmas at my house e-vite:

"Also, my wine bar has wine in it. Just sayin'. And, my 'Glee Christmas' CD will be playing on repeat for the entire day, because it's awesome. You've been warned. Also, We will provide the appetizers, ham, deviled eggs and holiday plates. Fight with each other over what else you would like to bring for sides because if you ask me, I'll tell everyone wine and pie because I really like those things" If that doesn't frighten people away from coming they must be really awesome or like wine & pie as much as I do.

And if they aren't fans of those awesome things, then I'm pretty sure they shouldn't be partaking in my ham, or Jesus juice, THANK YOU.