uterus vacancy. oh & a penis cake!

5dpo and I'm bleeding? WTF is this? This is the most effed up chart I've ever seen. What the hell is my body doing? I guess if I wasn't going to be preggo, AF might as well be early, as in 8 DAYS early. It doesn't make sense. It's clear I did ovulate because of the temp shift but getting AF at 5dpo? eff you body, eff you. I'm not as down as I thought I would be, I think after so long you're sense of excitment dulls. I'm up an hour before the little, sipping my CAFFEINATED cup of coffee with the CMT music channel on and this is ok, I'm going to enjoy the day, I'm going to enjoy my empty uterus by partaking in a glass o' wine later put that in your juice box and suck it, preggo's! because just like the spring flowers in my garden beds, people's uterus's are popping up all over the place! I feel like every time I log onto FB I'm greeted by someones uterus or the "my baby's growth week 8" diagram. One lady in particular has been posting these diagrams since 4 weeks, FOUR WEEKS. I have another 36 weeks of my life to read about the development of her poppy seed. I may just hit hide, ignorance is bliss, right? They should be jealous of me anyway, I'm on an infertility adventure! Maybe I'm not exactly jealous of them, I'm just jealous of their pearl-like eggs that glide ever so eloquently down their Fallopian tubes to welcome sperm with lemonade and coffee cake squares. That's how I envision their eggs, anyway. One of my best friends suggested an infertility massage or maybe its called a fertility massage since it's supposed to boost your fertile-ness? I looked up a method called the Maya Fertility Massage, where they massage your uterus to 'center' it with your body. A lot of times during pregnancy or after birth you're uterus can be off center, throwing your whole body off center at least that's what the fancy website says. I feel like a little ovary massage can't hurt, I guess I need to check out the cost because unlike the massage, that can hurt. It also has me a little worried since my last experience with a massage (full body) was probably more painful than my whole birthing experience. I said it. My masseuse had a man-like structure and hands that could choke a horse. I was seven months pregnant and went in for the prenatal massage, the hub got it for me for Christmas and they assured him that this type of massage was just for preggo's. I got to the office and to her surprise, I was pregnant. What? She had to go break down the bed to accommodate my 'condition'. I should have ran then. I got undressed and informed her I could not lie flat as I had this bowling ball in my belly that cuts off air supply to my brain if I were to lie flat. The next hour I experienced the worst beating of my life, I'm not even kidding. I don't know if she's not used to working with small framed preggo's or woman in general. It.hurt. I know she could feel me tense up every time she would come near me, like I was a frightened dog. There was no clock in there so I couldn't even count down the minutes until my beating was over. I don't know if your supposed to tip your masseuse but she sure as hell didn't get one unless you count the I'm going to wake up feeling like a mack truck just ran me over I mumbled as I walked out the door. So needless to say, I really don't want anyone beatin' up the ol' ovaries, I can punch them around a little myself.

I'm going to a dear friends bachelorette party tonight and was given the task of *drum roll please* PENIS CAKE. I get to bake a penis cake today, I'm going to jazz the balls I can say balls, right? it is my blog up with sprinkles, I'm actually really excited about my penis cake! I feel like I've been walking around with a penis all day, asking everyone is they want to see my penis...cake, if they decline, move onto the next that's how it works in real life, right?  I'm excited to go spend some time with this group of girls, we all generally have such conflicting schedules thats its hard to all be together, usually we only all get together for the Oliver's Halloween party or our annual Brad Paisley concert. We're just hanging out at her house but that's all I need in life, a good group of girlfriends, wine and a penis cake.

We've got a lot going on this weekend, which is kind of nice. The past few weekends have mainly included lying around in our PJ's all day with Nick JR on and not brushing our teeth until 4pm. That's the life I tell you what. We've got two get-togethers on Saturday to go to and of course all the Easter festivities on Sunday, Easter egg hunt with the little included! Enjoy the time you'll be spending with your family and friends, enjoy one more devilled egg, enjoy that peanut butter cup that has been calling your name all week and enjoy that story gran'ma tells every time you see her, you will miss it one day. Happy weekend friends, enjoy!

the right kind of baby

FB "Friend": We're about to go in, hope its the right kind of baby
FB "Friend": its a boy *announces name* it is.
FB "Friend": Needless to say, I'm not too thrilled but I'll love him the same.

there are so many things wrong with this post:
How can it not be the right 'kind' of baby, you're getting a baby!
What? Exclamation points of excitement aren't needed after announcing the gender OR the name?
Again, how can you not be thrilled? YOU GET TO HAVE A FREAKING BABY!

Meanwhile, my chart looks like SHIT.

misery loves me

I just looked at 132 newborn pics of a strangers kid on fb. why you ask? because I love to torture myself. I was also skimming through status updates and came across this one:
"i'm pregnant an i don't give a f*** what noboday says i'm doing this an f*** everybody for puttin me down ima give it everything i never had an everybody says i can't do it but this baby is all i have an everybody i thought cared has turned their back but f*** em ima do what i got to f*** everyone!!!!!!!!!!!"
These are the people that get pregnant. The people who don't have jobs, have boyfriends that have lots of girlfriends, can't save up enough money for a house but always have money for nails and drugs. I hate those people.

on a brighter note, I knew I loved bunnies, for the following reason:

Chinese New Year: The Year of the Rabbit Could Be Your Year to Get Pregnant

Chinese New Year has always been associated with fertility, and the start of the Year of the Rabbit (February 3, 2011 - January 22, 2012) only emphasizes the traditional connection. According to the Beijing Review, rabbits have traditionally been viewed as the “God of Fertility” in China because of their high rates of reproduction. Ever heard of the saying “reproduce like rabbits?” Rabbits have earned their stellar fertility-symbol rating because one pair can produce 18 baby bunnies during one breeding season!

I signed Lily up for swim lessons AND gymnastics! I also offered to make, like old school hand make the wedding favors for my brothers upcoming wedding. I like to think I'm pretty crafty but don't usually have an outlet for my craftiness, so I'm excited about it! I'll give you the basics of what I'm doing (since she's a reader I don't want to give it ALL away!) I'm buying the small terracotta planter pots, filling them with dirt and sunflower seeds, to represent new growth--like in their marriage. Props to the bride, I thought it was clever! I'm dolling them up but will save those details for after the bride sees them!

The three of us were on the couch last night, the TV (which is usually blaring the Backyardigans or Two and a Half Men), was off. We were all close together sharing a little piece of Lily's favorite blanket that would only stretch so far. Her curly blonde hair tickled my nose as she would lean over. The little giggles and smiles from the two of them warmed my heart in that moment like never before. It was then, that I realised that if this is what I've got, if those two are all I'm supposed to have, then I've got it all. I was up with Lily at 2:30 AM this morning, she's been on the verge of getting a cold and her body succumbed to it. Normally these awakenings are rare, she likes to sleep in her bed and rarely do I hear a peep out of her until her morning chat sessions with her baby doll so anytime she does wake up, something is wrong. I walk in and with a held back cough, wheeziness labored breathing she calmly asks to sleep in my bed. I took her downstairs, gave her some cough medicine and a nebulizer treatment. We sang songs to make it through the grueling five minute treatment and went back to sleep, in my bed. My normal awakenings with her aren't as pleasant. I stumble into her room, sleepy eyed and groggy, tell her she's fine only to wake up a half hour later to the same thing and fight with her to do her treatment. I woke up last night, like really woke up. I've been reading two blogs where families have lost their little ones but how they cherished every single second while they were here. So I stopped feeling tired and soaked up every minute of that 15 minutes with my baby at 2:30 this morning.

·

teeth of wisdom and a rant

I’m getting my last two wisdom teeth pulled today, dentist style. My first two hadn’t come all the way through yet but rubbed against my cheek so I went to the oral surgeon, was put under and they were removed. I’m horribly nervous about having them pulled from my face and being totally coherent. I know it’s not a big deal, my hub’s 80 year old granny just had it done but the dentist office always gives me anxiety anyway so I’m totally stressing out about it so I made my self feel better by doing a little consignment shopping (best little shop, ever: Déjà vu) ordering a pair of shoes that I’ve been wanting for awhile and going ten minutes out of my way to the nearest Starbuck’s this morning. The hub failed to share the comfort in my anxiety ridden spree but whatever, I’ll be laying there with my mouth cracked open, ipod on and dreaming about my purchases!

I feel like anybody in the history of everybody has asked when we’ll be having another baby this week, the babysitter, the bank teller, the client. I’m just going to start saying that we’ll try when Lily starts school, that gives me a two year comfort zone to play with and if it does happen before then, surprise!, a big fat magical bfp! My MIL tries to understand, she’s so naive to all the ttc stuff (wish I could be!) She knows we have ‘issues’ and that I’ve had a few procedures but still manages to call because there was a segment on the local news channel about losing weight for fertility, no matter the fact that I might be 100 pounds). Before we knew I wasn’t ovulating I was only getting like 3-4 periods a year. She laughed. Not like a little laugh, like an outright, abrupt in-yo-face laugh.  She then went on about how she’d love to only have a few periods a year, sure, its WONDERFUL having no periods and no babies, go, me! She also mentions how all her husband had to do was LOOK at her and she’d be pregnant, thanks, again for that. I don’t really like to talk to them much about it, after I found out I was pregnant with Lily, my hub told me he had told his dad we were ttc. Every time I saw his dad for the SIXTEEN months we were trying, he asked when we were having a baby, he knew, knew that we were having trouble and still asked that question every time. I know you shouldn’t hold grudges but I hold a mean one towards him for that.

I was scanning FB this morning and came across the following blog, be warned, you will cry. (http://www.kandjstaats.blogspot.com/) I cried, like and idiot in my office chair. This couple JUST lost their 4 month old baby girl for no known reason, she just stopped breathing. Suffering a loss is the most un-imaginable thing you could ever go through. I know with my loss, I never got to see or hear that baby but it was still my baby, I loved it the second those two pink lines showed up. It makes me sick to think how you could hold your baby in your arms for four months and have to lay her to rest. I pray for this family and for them to find peace.

a plan of sorts

I started spotting Sunday, as I do every cycle that AF shows and of course she arrived Monday morning. I don't get it, five days, FIVE, like in a row and egg and sperm couldn't meet? seriously? this only verifies that something has to be wrong. Luckily hubby's s/a consult is March 1st, I'm anxious for it to get here but at the same time what if it comes back normal again? There will be no more answers than we have now, which are none. AF was a lot lighter than normal and because of my lower than normal temps I'm thinking that my O wasn't a 'good' one.  I'm going to do Clomid 50 mg CD5-9 this cycle, I know that I O on my own but I'm hoping this will help me O better, if that's even possible. My last Clomid attempts I took it CD3-7 which helps ovulation by creating many follicles, CD5-9 will only create a few but gives them more time to mature so maybe the change in Clomid is just what my body needs. I've got three Clomid refills left and I'm not going any higher on the dosage since it completely diminished my CM the last time I took it not to mention its known for thinning your uterine lining. I'm also taking baby aspirin this cycle (its supposed to help thicken the lining) and evening primrose oil prior to O, to help with the CM. So that's my plan, for this month and until we can come up with the money we need for the IUI. I'd really like to set a goal, the hub can travel for work and earn a good bonus for doing so (WTF is he waiting for?) He's never done it before but he's going to inquire about it this week! Bring on the night sweats, hot flashes and mood swings!

I semi 'outed' myself on FB last week. I'm doing this 30 Days in Pictures thing and one day was 'a picture of your biggest insecurity'. Mine, of course is when or if god will bless us with another baby. One of my 'friends' commented that she "has been trying for 9 years with no luck and to keep the faith", I nicely replied and went on about my day. My dear friend brought to my attention that if this girl was trying for 9 years, she started trying when she was SIXTEEN. She also has never been married nor even in a steady relationship until just recently. My friend totally called her out on it and the girls response "I tried off and on for a few years but I don't want kids right now, we're waiting until we're married" WTF, than you can't claim to be an infertile! Yes, this is the suckiest club, ever in the history of clubs BUT until you have woken up every single morning for the past year to stick a thermometer in your mouth, forked out hundreds of dollars on fertility tests and medications, experience hot flashes in the middle of the night that make you feel like your are literally lying next to satan, have had an absolutely heartbreaking loss and have had more doctors and nurses peek into your vagina than your husband than no, NO you do not get to claim yourself as an infertile. {insert explicit gesture here}

Please check out the following blog, she's having a give-away for reaching 100 followers!
http://unaffectedbyyou.blogspot.com/2011/02/100-followers-giveaway.html

I leave you with parenting tips from Shine.com, I, personally have heard every.single.one. Enjoy!

The 10 Most Irritating, Least Helpful Parenting Tips Ever

I have nothing against friends and family offering advice when you come to them with a dilemma. It's the people who pipe up, unbidden, because they see you with a child and assume you have no idea what you're doing. Too often these people are elderly great-aunts. Fortunately those ladies are afraid of the Internet, so I can rail against them and they'll be none the wiser! Thanks, ladies.

1. "Sleep now, because once that baby comes you'll never sleep again." Technically this is a pregnancy tip, of course, but I'm shoving it in here anyway. Yes, Great-Aunt Hildy, I will sleep throughout my entire third trimester. Because I am part bear.

2. "Sleep when the baby sleeps." Everyone gives you this one — annoying relatives, pediatricians, the cashier at the drugstore where you were buying newborn diapers. Are these people all robots, capable of instantly dropping off to sleep whenever their child is unconscious? Do they not have other things to do, like bathe, or simply relish the rare moments of silence you get when you have an infant?

3. "I think your baby's hungry." Whether you're nursing or bottle-feeding, everyone assumes you don't know how to feed your child. And every time your child cries, whines, grimaces, or squirms, they are going to assume you are starving your poor baby and you need reminders to feed it. Lest you forget! This advice is especially maddening when they turn out to be correct.

4. "Relish every moment of your baby's first years, because they'll be grown before you know it." You mean, time only moves forward? I had no idea! I thought we'd be like this forever and ever! This sort of advice, obvious and innocuous as it seems, always put me on the defensive, as if I had just been carrying my baby under my arm like a football, muttering, "Grow up already, why don't you. Just GROW UP."

5. "I hope you're sleep training that child. Do you WANT him to be spoiled?" Oh, distant relative/person whose aisle I shared at the supermarket, I'm so glad you know exactly my child needs. And that you know, from your years of scientific research, that any child not allowed to cry it out will be a horrible waste of flesh! (See #6 for this parenting tip's counterpart.)

6. "I hope you're not doing that 'crying it out' thing. It's so barbaric. Enjoy your baby all through the night!" Again, kudos to you, whoever you are, for knowing what's best for our unique family situation! I will be calling you at 4 a.m., so you can enjoy our baby as well.

7. "Why are you bringing your child outside when it's so cold out?" It never ceased to amaze me that, no matter what my child's age, total strangers will express alarm and revulsion that I dared expose him to the elements. "And WHY ISN'T BE WEARING MITTENS? He's going to get consumption!"

8. "Your child isn't really sad/angry/injured. He's just manipulating you." There's no doubt that children can push our buttons as if they've had professional training in it, but the notion that my kid's authentic feelings are in fact manufactured to elicit a reaction really chaps my hide. If that were always true, he'd be a pint-sized sociopath.  I'm pretty sure that's not the case.

9. "Schools are just glorified prisons. If you loved your child, you'd homeschool." Oh, if only I loved my child enough to abandon my livelihood, tear him away from the community he so enjoys, separate him from the professionals who have dedicated their careers to childhood education, and forced him to stay home all day with me, where we'd be at each other's throats for hours! If only! Please note: I am not opposed to homeschooling, at all — in fact I wish it would work for us, but it would not.

10. "If I were you, I'd just—" OH NO YOU DON'T. I know where this is going. Listen, unnamed distant acquaintance who last parented in the 19th century (it's true — I often get my unwanted advice from ghosts) you don't know diddly about my kid, and our relationship, and what works for us.

I get so tired staring at the walls, weights so heavy and that mountain so tall

No ovulation. WTF. Totally positive opk, massive amounts of perfectly timed BD'ing and my body fails me, as it does every month. Is it possible to gear up to O and not actually O? yes. why? WHY would your body do that. I guess I could have O'd but my temps are still kind of low and in the pre-o range so I'm guessing I didn't. I'm exhausted. The hubby is going to do his s/a on Wednesday on March 1st--he has to go in for a new patient consult since he hasn't been in 5 years and then they will schedule an analysis. We only have ONE urologist in the TWO counties we live/work in. Doesn't anyone go to school to be a urologist anymore?  I'm calling I called a new RE today to set up an appointment so we can do the IUI cycle as soon as possible. This RE is in the same area but the cost is a little better, as far as I'm concerned, the cost doesn't matter anymore.The hubby thinks otherwise, his exact words "where are you going to come up with $1,500.00?" (insert awkward silence here) I wish I had an answer. I'll do whatever I have to do to get this baby and pray that god has my back. It's hard when money controls destiny. Money will get me the IUI, not fate. I've been waiting 18 months for 'fate' to take over, get at me, fate!  Lily's getting older by the day, we wanted her and her sibling two and a half years apart (give or take), we'll be working on almost FOUR years now. I don't want her to remember a time when it was just her, I want her to have always known she grew up with a sibling. Obviously I have ZERO control over this and you can't plan things like this, well I can't anyway, my ovaries are that of an 80 year old woman apparently. The hubby's response to this "Who cares if they are four years apart?" (insert another awkward silence) I do, me. I care. No, the IUI isn't guaranteed but the chances are a HELL of a lot better. They use medication to grow nice, big follicles,  injectables to trigger ovulation and  place the best swimmers directly IN the uterus at the time of ovulation, bypassing any cervical mucus issues and any issues my cervix may have from my CKC surgery. I wish I could be as not as concerned about this as my hubby but its just not me. We're all getting older, my uterus is getting lonelier, my cervix is jacked up and maybe this is when I have to let go. If we can't afford IUI there is now way we'd ever be able to do IVF, so my only option? opk's, temping, bd'ing and praying. That's it.

The Potty Training Chronicles

Potty training, check. Yes, this kid potty trained over the weekend, she amazes me! Friday and Saturday we did the pull up/panties combo, the panties were great for letting her know she peed, the pull ups I could still do without, however they are nice on-the-go. Sunday she went commando the whole day and had NO accidents, zero! She would be playing, would realize she had to go, go to her potty, sit down and do her thing! We went to dinner that evening so obviously we had to put  a pull up on her, a little nudie probably isn't acceptable in a restaurant not to mention unsanitary. Anyway, she told me in the middle of dinner that she had to go, so we used the big, gross public restroom at Country Cookin' for the first time, and she went, she held it and went and made it home with a dry pull up! Success! I'm so excited for her, however I loved the convenience of diapers, never had to worry when we're in the back of the store with a cart full of groceries if she had to pee but whatever, that cart will be there when we're done (hopefully!) My little pixie is no longer a baby, she's a little girl.

Oh and Happy Valentine's Day!--just another infertile day for me. Hopefully, at least, I won't have to cook dinner! I will however, enjoy these delicious cupcakes and cookies my boss brought in, I may just eat them ALL!