Crossroads

My Valentine's day was different this year, for the last 10 years I've spent it with my husband. I saw Lily, then went to dinner and a movie and while it was different, it also wasn't bad. I mean, the movie was. I don't know why I thought I would like a super sappy love movie, I'm a total Hangover/Stepbrothers/anything funny type of movie girl but I think knowing I would be watching Channing Tatum for two hours pulled me in. All I could do was make fun of his sweaters and then thought of what groceries I needed to get at the store. Anyway, back to my point. How can the temptation of the 'unknown' be so much greater than the steadiness of the known? How can the desire to fly on your own be greater than the security of being grounded? How can want and need be so different yet so share much of the same qualities. Figuring out need and want is a battle in itself because you can convince yourself of anything, you can make yourself believe anything. Its a balancing act, life is a balancing act. Balancing, need and desire. The need to step into your own and the desire to fall back into the normalcy of the life you created, the life that was yours. I'm not sure how long you can walk on a tightrope before you fall, and not necessarily fail, two different types of falls, known and unknown. Familiar, unfamiliar. Neither fall is easy but you can only balance on that tightrope so long, before you have to make a decision. You walk it until finding solid ground at the end or you jump. Either way you go, you can't look back. Some people can see a train wreck coming from a mile away but for some reason, I can't. I can't see it until the second it happens. Some people can see that the track is a little off course and the train will derail but to me, its all mechanics until it happens. I am so grateful for the support system I have, even the people who can see the train wreck, don't judge. They may not understand, they may not agree but they are supportive anyway. God has truly blessed me with amazing people in my life and while they may never know it, they save me too.

A quote from a blog I religiously follow hit home this morning: "You can't effectively move forward in life unless you have those moments of letting yourself feel the darker side of reality once in a while."

Maybe this is my darker side of reality. I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to prove or what it is I'm looking for or if I'll even know it when I find it. I'm focusing on my daughter, everything else falls in between. She's happy, and taken care of and getting everyone through this time of uncertainty. If I know one thing, its that time doesn't stand still and before I know it, I'll be sending her off to college in her little red bug (I'm sure that's what she'll rock!) and I also know she only has one lifetime and I only have one chance at this. I'm going to hold onto her and let her help me, guide me through this bump in my road. She saved my life when she was born and I want to make sure to save hers.

Meanwhile in the past five days there have been three pregnancy announcements on FB. THREE. Even at a point in my life where that falls by the wayside, it still hurts because I still long to be a mother again.

new hair & balls! (not to be confused with new hair on balls)



All I need is a fuckin' Bump-it!



I FEEL LIKE I'M WEARING A WIG! I (well, my sister in law) dyed my hair. Dark, super dark, OK, black. I wanted to change it up a little, I like it long but needed some sort of change and lets face it, I act on impulse. I generally don't think things through, I just do them and face the consequences and in this case, it looks like I straight up took a Halloween wig from a bag and slapped that bitch on my head. I'm hoping it will lighten with a few washes, ok I'm pretty much banking on it so I don't go around looking like Elvira for the next few months so we'll see. I Like it however, its dark, mysterious and its different. I like it.



Snookie hair



My whole focus is Lily, I mean she's been my main focus for holy shit almost 4 years now but now its, Lily, me. Since high school is either been, husband, me and then Lily, husband, me. Its hard to shift the focus on yourself. I'm busy shuffling Lily back and forth, doing things to keep her entertained and happy and when I have to focus on myself I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to be doing! I mean I've always made time to read a good book, paint my nails, do girl shit but there was one Sunday in particular I had dropped Lily off for the evening, went and got a shower and had the entire evening to myself and I sat there on the bed because I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to do when I wasn't running around. How in the hell am I supposed to figure out where I'm going in my life if I can't even figure out what to do with my alone time! I keep busy, I always have, its just how I function so when I'm forced to slow it down a little, I'm forced to do a little soul searching. I'm forced to find myself. I'm also forced to crack open that bottle of wine because when in doubt, that's just what you do. No one likes to admit failure and defeat. It's natural for people to be hesitant in owning up to failure, its an insecurity. Reality has a way of sneaking up and biting you in the ass. I was putting together a new car seat for Lily and making a list of things I still need to get from my house and my brother asked "so, you're really going to do this huh?" He wasn't contradicting, wasn't pushing one way or another and it was just a simple question that I'm still not sure I know the answer to. I can have the separation papers in front of me, the joint custody agreement drawn up and have no real emotion toward it, but its just words on paper and until its happening, I'm not sure I'll really know. That's how I am, I learn the hard way. I can't foresee things, I have to experience them to understand them. Its probably not the best quality I have, but its part of who I am.  There are some people who are not afraid to fail, not afraid to lose sight of the shore and take on the ocean because failing, beats the hell out of not trying at all.  I won't be stepped on by people whom don't try to understand. Push me and I push back. Tell me I can't do something, I will do everything to prove it wrong. No matter what path my life takes, I will not fail.

happy pills gave me balls. figuratively of course. I don't know how guys legitimately walk around with those things.

I'm finishing up my work day, taking the little to the indoor pool and having pizza with her and some favorites later while we wait anxiously for some impending snow. I am happy.

Happy weekend, bloggy friends!

Post-op, happy pills & dating

Post-op went great however I was slightly afraid that I was going to bleed to death. I didn't know you were supposed to bleed at all after the LAP but I've been bleeding for twelve days. TWELVE DAYS. Dr R didn't seem too concerned about it and said once it does stop, the next few months will be great for conceiving since he cleaned my pipes in the LAP. Oh yeah doc, about that...

I'm on happy pills. There, I said it. Big fat happy elephant out of the room. After the separation my mother was convinced that the choices I was making and whatnot where the stem of who knows what and that I should see a doctor. And hey, what do I know, maybe it could give me clarity. Or at the least help me with my ADD. or just make me more awesome. I've been on them for a full week, the doctor said it could take two fulls weeks to notice anything. I think I wake up every morning hoping to notice something, like "Unicorns are dancing on rainbows outside of my window!" BUT I'm a little more apprehensive about the side effects. I'm not tryin' to go all columbine and freak out on everyone. And I'm not trying to get fat OR lose any weight. I'm all for getting more awesome, though. I'm not clinically depressed or crazy well, I am crazy but not THAT kind of crazy but it should help me gather my thoughts, focus on them and figure out what in the hell it is that I want to do with my life.

*****

MY HUSBAND WENT ON A DATE. I have Lily Friday nights so when he dropped her off I asked what he was getting into and he was coy in saying he was going to dinner. A dinner with a chick. I relayed the message "what happens at your date, stays at your date. Except herpes, that shit comes back!" We're both entering a dating world, a world we never really experienced. We met in high school. We got married at 18. I haven't seen another penis in 10 years except in movies or pornos. (act like you were surprised) We have no idea what the hell we're doing. At some points I think we both get a little excited to experience this realm of new things, new people and places and sometimes at the end of the night when we're both laying in separate beds, in separate houses, I wonder if we're both thinking about the normalcy's of marriage that we miss. Who knows, we could be that couple that separates for six months or a year and come back to realize the grass isn't greener on the other side, its greener where you water it. And that the making it on your own, splitting time with your kid shit is crazy OR we could both find whatever it is we're looking for in someone else OR my biggest fear, I realize what I had and it be too late. I have no idea what is in store for us, I'm not sure where my journey is leading me, leading us but I'm learning if you want to live life, you have to live it free.

at least my pipes are clean

Well, my vagina is still intact and the Lap went well and although I still have no clear answer as to why I can't conceive, at least I know that my shits working! It was clarity in knowing that everything on the inside looks great so its just a matter of figuring out what exactly keeps it from happening and what to do about it. My post op is scheduled in two weeks and I'm assuming Dr R. will tell me what the next step would be. I do have a valid reason to be sketched out of the you-have-no-idea-what-they-do-to-you-when-your-passed-out thought because I woke up with a slight black eye and a scratch on my forehead. How does that even happen? At least my vagina was unaltered, that's all you can hope for! The healing process has gone well, the second day was the roughest with the incision pain and cramping but overall I'm happy with how things are progressing and I'm hoping to not have a Frankenstein belly button for too much longer. I've just been taking it pretty easy and relishing in the know that I  can have another baby, its just a matter of when.

Timing is everything.

Theory of an anesthesiologist and my LAP!

I'm anxious for my LAP surgery tomorrow, however I hate being under anesthesia. My last procedure I was spread eagle, knocked out in front of god knows how many people and the last thing I remember was a nurse skimming through People magazine as I was wheeled in, I mean I thought my vagina was more exciting than that but whatevs, so I always have this weird fear of people doing things to my vagina. Even though for this surgery they are making an incision through my belly button. Even though I know no one even cares about my vagina. Even though I know they would go to jail for shit like that. Still freaks me out. I'm anxious to finally get an answer, any answer, after two years of the old doctor doing the same things over and over. I am ready for this. I am ready to know. Bring on the IV of feel-good, the magazine skimmers and the vagina peekers! Just leave out the percocet, doc. It will make me puke. Everywhere.

My brother is taking me. Mainly because he's awesome. And he already knows my inappropriate talk of vagina's. After all, we did come from the same one.


Also, I was looking at my blog statistics and the post viewed more than any other post on my blog was titled "Poked, Prodded & Dildo wanded" What.the.fuck. Just goes to show what people browsing the Internet are interested it. Buncha sickos! I guess now I know what to label posts if I really want people to see them.

Maybe I should just label all of my posts "VAGINA".

battlegrounds behind me, smoke in the trees

I'm alive.
I'm stable.
I'm trying to find a center in all of this.
And, I'm broken.
I've got an overwhelming amount of support, from friends, my family and a few people I barely know but I've also got an overwhelming amount of judgement from people whom I thought, were family. I carry the last name but in a time like this its clear, that's all that I carry. The separation was not a legal one, no documents were signed, nor was it a final decision. It was a period of time in which we were to figure out the direction of our lives, be it together or separate. I know that I'm not the only one hurting and I don't give a shit that anyone knows what I'm going through, it just can't be assumed that I'm not going through nothing. There are always two sides to stories and its fair to say, you should hear both before making an informed decision on someone. I'm faulted, I know that. I've made mistakes, I know that too but I'm also not using FB as a way to vent how you feel about 'family' That's what blogs are for, duh! I will not be pushed into a corner. Push me and I push back. I don't want to spend the rest of my life trying to mend broken relationships with people whom are so easy to write you off, its all good as long as your what people like that want, if not, it's like they never knew you. I will not be a silent victim and I will stay true to myself. The word cannot be taken back after spoken and the echoes of such words, will always sting clear.

I understand that these types of things would occur if parting ways was our final decision, I would be prepared for that. I understand that as my husbands family, they will stand behind him. However, I was completely blindsided and am left feeling if that part of the family could ever really re-coop from this, or will they hold a grudge? Can I ever really forget things that have been said? Can we all move on as a whole if my marriage works? My family supports us both, in whatever we decide. They will help us get through it or over it.

I'm stuck, and the treacherous waters beg to pull me under.

I've been smiling with anchors on and I'm dying to let them go

My pap came back abnormal, however there are only mild/ low-grade lesions present at this time, which is 'normal' in people who have HPV. We'll do a repeat in three months to stay on top of it but he wasn't concerned and the C-2 and C-3 cells I had in 2009 aren't present! It was much better news than I was expecting! My b/w showed I'm low on vitamin D, so he gave me a supplement for that and scheduled my LAP for January 19th! I was surprised he could get me in so fast and he says this will give us the answers we need, I'm so grateful of Dr. R, he's restoring all of my hope in TTC. Its been a long road and I know we've still got a ways to go but having faith in God, means having faith in his timing. This paragraph was written two weeks prior to a life changing event.

A bloggess I regularly follow shared a huge secret this week about self harm, and it empowered me to share mine:
A few months ago, I blogged about evaluating life, making choices and picking up the pieces and moving on. What we fail to talk about, is the aftermath. Making the 'right' choice and saying sorry are only part of the battle, the first step onto a staircase. You don't drown from falling in water, you drown from staying in there. Don't settle in a setback. I set out runnin,' talking a big game of making big life choices and sometimes I still seem to find myself treading water, just going through the slightest motions that will keep my head above water. We say sorry for a multitude of things, however there are so many levels of sorry. I'm sorry to, I'm sorry for, I'm sorry at, I'm sympathetic, we tend to throw that word around as much as Jim Bob from 19 kids and counting throws his penis around. Sometimes we mean it, sometimes we do not. Sometimes we have every intention of standing behind that "I'm sorry" and sometimes we fail to follow through. Same with making a choice, you can make a choice, but still hold onto the possibility of the choice you didn't make. You have to let go of that possibility and give the choice you made, your all. Letting go doesn't mean giving up but rather accepting that things just can't be. How many times though, can we say sorry without following through? How many "I'm sorry's" are we allotted before the significance of the word means nothing? There's no coming back when you're still carrying the past, there is no moving forward, when you're still looking back. Lucky we are, when we have it all, having our cake and eating that shit too, that is until you can't pretend anymore, when your luck runs out and you can't fake it and the lines between dreams and reality begin to blur. Reality hits you in the chest like a ton of bricks and you see the realness of something you caused on the faces of people you love, you bear the pain in your heart, as well as the pain you can feel in theirs. Its almost like when the winter wind is so fierce and cold and takes your breath away, you cant find the words and whatever words you do find, sure as hell aren't the right ones. You're left grasping, trying to form sentences that never seem to make sense, even to you. You wonder if you're really that naive in thinking you could carry this juggling act, or did you drop the ball in hopes that your decision would be made for you. Time can be your best friend, or worst enemy. It can fly by or seem to stand still. Time, you think you have a lot of it and in the scheme of life, you do. You tend to think your time is endless, or that if you just had a little more time you could figure things out, or finish that big project. Our lives revolve around a time frame, we are handed deadlines, we give ourselves deadlines and you meet them, you do whatever you can to meet that deadline. Sometimes though, you run out of time, its cut short before you've finished, before you're ready to meet that deadline and you go from spinning, to standing still. Coward, somebody lacking courage, you don't know what exactly you want, you think you do, you're not certain and you sure as shit aren't prepared to make a choice. There is no easy road, there is no easy answer and the only person who can decide the fate of so many people's lives, is yourself. A crowded street can be a quiet place when your walking alone and for all the hardest roads, we have to walk alone. You are the only person who can make you happy. You are the only one who can chose the hand played in the game of life. "She feels locked in her own life, scared of what she might lose if she moves away from who she was and she’s afraid of being free. There’s a way she knows is right and she can’t feel the things she knows and so each step she’s taking is a step of faith towards who she’ll be”

Making a 'plan' in your head and then actually having it unfold in front of your eyes are two completely different, life changing situations.You thought the scenarios out, you penciled in a future that was once in marker and then, just like and etch-a-sketch that gets shaken, all the lines and scenarios are left broken and in pieces and you are left trying to figure which pieces actually go back together, which pieces were part of a dream and which ones are real. I'm faulted, I'm stuck in treacherous water, holding on to hurt like an anchor, haunted by the ghosts of my memories and I see the people I love reaching for me at the shore and I know, at some point, they will have to stop reaching. I reflect back on 2011 and the roller coaster ride in which it was and come to the realization that I have a lot of growing to do. Mistakes do not define you, they tell you who you're not. I'm learning that the hardest thing in life is knowing which bridge to burn and which one to cross. I learned that if you want to find out where you're going, you have to get back to your roots, you have to remember where you came from and where you've been but don't reread the last chapter of your life too much, it will keep you from moving onto the next one. I learned that strength can be tested in a multitude of ways.  I'm learning that nothing is in my timing, I'm learning to let go and I'm learning that every single person you meet, is fighting a hard battle. And I'm learning that happiness, above all else, will prevail. If you're happy, everyone around you will be happy. And the main thing I've learned in all of this? Sometimes, people will take your breath away. Friends and family are the only thing holding me together right now. The support in which they provide, by some not even knowing they are doing so, is something unexplainable. I'm so grateful for the people in my life and for their help.

A quote from the bloggess I follow that really hit home, "Still broken.  Still stuck.  Still fighting.  But feeling almost weightless from having this secret lifted off my chest.  Thank you for helping me carry this."

You can't prepare yourself for a sudden impact. You can't brace yourself, it just hits you. Out of nowhere. Victims of a sudden impact are some of the hardest to treat. Its not just the collision that injures them, its everything after. My secret? My husband and I have been separated for a week. And I'm not sure where this is going.