happy endings.

I like Halloween, I like spending too much money on overpriced candy, I like sitting out on the front porch in a hoodie handing said candy out to all the littles, I like watching them run away with excitement, I like when my brother in law gives the way-too-old-for-this-shit teens a hard time about their lack of a costume and pillowcase bag, really? and you can't even say trick or treat? I like dressing up--reigning champ three years in a row say what? ladybug, glorious. bumble-bee, fabulous. Snookie, *insert your own jersey shore reference here* With Halloween approaching, at dinner one night I asked Lily what she would like to be. Her answer? a Christmas tree. After my eyes dried from laughing, I was all "really, Lily? a Christmas tree?" and she's all "yes, seriously." What? previous years ladybug and cat aren't up to par with your glorious idea of pine and presents? I'm not Chinese master sewer, where would one even find a pattern, do people really want to be Christmas trees for stuff? Yes, yes they do. Google is the answer to all life's questions, you don't know something about something, you google the shit out of it. Its like the holy grail of life, well to me anyway. Lo and behold, there are toddler Christmas tree costumes for a mere $49.99, complete with star, hole for face and presents as feet. Awesome. Just as I was really getting excited with this and all runnin' at the mouth with "think I won't order it" to my husband, she up and changes her mind. This is not ok, as unsure as I was about the Christmas tree idea, I really set out and embraced it and I just don't think I can settle for a bumble bee now. I will convince her and bring her back to the pine side, oh I will. Totally kidding, she can be whatever her little heart desires but don't think I won't leave the tree costume pictures all around the house covered in glitter to accent how freaking awesome it is.

I also just really like covering things in glitter.

We'd gotten two notices on our door from FedEx this week  that we had a package that had to be signed for. We thought by him leaving the notice that we could just sign the notice, put it back on the door and he'd swap the notice for the package. Turns out you have to sign for it in person. Problem is, he comes at 1:30, when the rest of the world is also, at work. We weren't even expecting a package so I got really excited, it must be a real treasure to need an in-person signature! My husband called to find out what exactly this treasure was and how we go about getting it, we weren't trying to drive all the way to FedEx in Fredericksburg for some mystery package that probably wasn't even for us. Turns out, it was for me! I love surprises! My excitement stops when they soon tell us, the are concert tickets. Concert tickets I ordered last Thursday for this Saturday's concert, I'd been expecting them in the regular ol' snail mail. Really? You need an in-person signature for Brad Paisley LAWN SEAT tickets? I didn't even pay for a seat, I stand in the lawn. Per the ticket company its their protocol to need someone in person so they would re-route the package to my work and mark it 'rush' and I should get it today. If not to call and they could give me a time frame of when they deliver Saturday. Awesome, I love coming into work on a Saturday just to sign for a package. This better make the $11 jiffy lube live beer taste like unicorns and rainbows 'cause I imagine that would be glorious.

I also just really like beer.

Random bits from this week:

People need not leave me in a waiting room for too long, self help pamphlets on being "addicted to porn" or "is the church leader touching you" make me giggly, thus making the serious meeting with a grin on my face, awkward. I laugh when I'm uncomfortable, thus making the majority of my encounters awkward. That's why I could never be a vagina doctor, or a butt doctor for that matter. I also have yet to get a bikini wax This has been on my list of to-do's, right next to paint the basement, for a year now. Take off your pants giggle, lay down and spread 'em wide giggle, rips hair follicles from my very sensitive area laughs uncontrollably. I wonder if they have experienced this type of wax-ee. I'm pretty sure they would talk about how awesome I am.

Warrenton has a 'happy ending' massage parlor. Seriously. One of my clients uses them and I know its an 'erotic' massage parlor because I did what was natural and googled it. Yep, I even categorized his expenses for the place as 'entertainment' so he knows I know. I'm slightly intrigued by it and slightly grossed out, but more grossed out then intrigued, that was a lie. I really want to know how you ask for a 'happy ending'. My husband suggested using the line "I want to blow some money...and a load" I almost pissed my pants laughing so hard, well, I probably did, when you have kids your bladder ain't what she used to be. Anyway, apparently $73 gets you a rub down in every sense of the word. And you know it ain't no Asian goddess givin' you the rub down, I'm sure its a little old Asian lady who probably can't even see which is why she's in this line of work anyway wearing a pair of rubber gloves, gettin' you down with the get down. I need to know, I feel like I need to send my husband in just to get the scoop and scope out the penis masseuse, not for any other reason than to tell our grandchildren this story. Hide yo' kids, Lily!

My weekend is going to be a good one, it's fat Friday and we're having pizza and watching Step Brothers at our best friends house and I'm going to spend far too much time Saturday curling my hair and putting make-up on for my once a year outing with my Brad Paisley girls. Have a glorious weekend, bloggy friends!

junk of the heart

I love September. The evenings are a little cooler, the jackets are a little warmer and the run around pace of summer, simmers down. You pack away the red, white and blue and welcome the wine reds and harvest yellows. Sundays consist of burgandy & gold, world famous nachos and football on the big screen. Pumpkin spice and apple cider replace Tahitian winds and watermelon.  My favorite cooking spices line the cupboards and the baking pans move closer to the front of the cabinets. The moments when its summer in the sun and winter in the shade.  Knowing that the holidays are just around the bend. I've made a goal to have more gatherings, invite more people over, enjoy the company of the people that we love the most. Big dinners and candles at the dining room table, or just subs and fries while being crammed together at the small kitchen table. I was acknowledged by my boss with a really sweet card and $100 bonus and we ended up spending every dime in one night on dinner and drinks with friends. I had intended on buying shoes or a new fall purse and my husband said, "I think spending the money on memories is better than a pair of shoes, don't you?" And when you look at it like that, its not just dinner and drinks, it is memories and memories, unlike shoes, you will have forever.

Lily's been on this "when I grow up" kick. Anything we tell her she's good at, she wants to be that when she grows up. "You are a fast kicker!" "I'm going to be a fast kicker when I grow up!" same scenario with soccer player, princess, drawer (artist of some sort I'm assuming), swimmer, doctor (I do like the ring to that one!) and dancer. I love that the possibilities for her are endless and that she has the drive to be something, do something, even if she's too young to realize what it entails, she knows she's going to be, something. I'm not sure when we lose that drive, when we settle for the monotony of the day to day. Maybe money hinders us, or certain life decisions, maybe we don't like change as much as we think we do, maybe when we have kids we live through their dreams and live through supporting any goal they may have. I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up, I have ideas and thoughts and dreams and in the face of everything, in the face of life, the true dream is, being able to dream at all. I hope she tries every single thing she wants to be, I hope she puts her gloves right back on after being defeated and I hope she never stops dreaming. She inspires me to be better, to be something. She makes me want to re-think my goals and I realize it's never to late too start over, its never to late too chase dreams. Chase that butterfly girl, I'll be behind you the entire way.

It's rainy, I have my pumpkin spice latte in hand and Adele on Pandora. Have a good week, friends!

the friggin' preggo parade oh, & some real shit.

Shuttled Lily into her first ballet class, sans ballet or tap shoes so she totally rocked her first class in her DC's. It was as cute as it sounds. The little three year olds lined up in their pastel pink leotards, skirts and tights is probably them most angelic sight, ever. We waited with the parents in the waiting room while she came into her own element in class, never glancing back to see if mom and dad were there, we were of course, peeking in any change we got. Her class was to end at 5, so about a quarter till, the next age group started pouring in and along with that age group, were four pregnant moms, FOUR. I was stuck, in a tiny waiting room, with four freaking preggo's and not 'just barely showing' preggo's like, the baby's head may actually be crowing the cervix at any given moment preggo's. The freaking non pregnant to pregnant ratio was nuts, Seriously? am I being punked or some shit? Awesome. Maybe I should start drinking the water they have there, or just gouge my eyes out, since the first one I'm going to assume doesn't really work or I'd bathe in it, I'll go with the latter. WTF? I wasn't sure if I was in the wrong office, did I mistakingly end up at my OB's office? since I practically live there anyway. No, this was a freak case of the preggo parade somewhere that I least expected it. And the worst part will be, in a few weeks, all these preggo mom's will be toting in their newbies and I'll have to hear every single person "OoO" and "awww" over them. I will not be bitter. I will not be bitter. You know what would make dance class better? beer. I wish pregnancy was contagious, I would have rubbed up against all of them, in the most nonsexual way of course. The sperm would've been floatin' around that air I tell you what. Dear pregeth mothers of dance class, I hope all of your babies have big heads and you deliver vaginally. Sincerely, a skinny infertile who avoids you like the plague.

You know what preggo's can't do? Go to wine tastings with really awesome people. Be jealous preg's, be jealous. We met up at Old House Vineyards and spent some time with new friends, sitting out by the water and it was the most relaxed I've been in awhile. "Don't be afraid to fall in love. It's the only thing that matters in life. Fall in love with as many things as possible" I believe life is meant to be shared, the hard moments, the happy ones, every stage of life, every page in every chapter should be shared. We can reconnect with memories through people and each chapter has made you who you are. I believe I've been shown that people are brought into your life, exactly when you need them, whether you know it at the time or not, you are given who you need, before or after a crisis, before you're about to breakdown, before you're ready to give up, and each of these people have saved me from being everything I hate. Struggles make you strong, change makes you wise and the people I've met, are the wonders of my world. God makes no mistakes with the people you meet, with the people you fall in love with. I'm in love with wineries on Saturday afternoons with new best friends. I'm in love with sunshine on my shoulders and a really good rain. I'm in love with people. I'm in love with the smell of burning wood in the winter and sunscreen in the summer. I've found a new love in books. I'm in love with writing. I'm with love with songs that come on that take me back to a certain place, or person. I'm in love with laughter. I'm in love with with hearing 'mommy', even if its a thousand times a day, even if its being screamed. I have so much. I'm in, love.

settin' fire, to the rain

I love weddings, the new love circling the air, the happiness that ensues in watching two people about to embark on the journey that will lead them into the rest of their lives, the food, the music, the toasts and my personal favorite, open bar. Just kidding, sort of. One of my oldest friends got married Saturday, during hurricane Irene, or should I say, IN hurricane Irene. Yes, my dear friend decided come hell or high water (how appropriate) that she was getting married, outside. The cute little white chairs lined up by a gorgeous lake setting, however, we couldn't sit in them because it was raining, its ass off. Not a light sprinkle, a downpour and a rips-umbrellas-apart wind. Luckily, most of us at least came prepared with umbrellas but the poor bridesmaids, groomsmen and bride and groom, were umbrella-less. It was her day, and we all did whatever the bride wanted and froze our asses off while making her day as special as she wanted it. I don't even know why I bothered to curl my hair, it ended up messy ponytail style on the top of my head because with my hair type add in some rain and humidity and I slightly resemble a lioness--and not one with glorious locks, the straggly one in the corner who was just roughed up. Awesome.  Not even a hurricane was going to stop them from getting married and its definitely a memory they can never forget. Sometimes at weddings I daydream about how I would 're-do' my wedding. And when I say 'sometimes' I really mean every single wedding I attend. I mean I'd have the same groom and everything but I was 18 when I tied the knot and don't really remember planning any of it, I think my mother vicariously lived through me, which actually was fine because it was pretty badass but there are small things that I would have liked to have been a part of, or change. Its all water under the bridge now yes, that IS another water reference, thank you. but a grown married woman can still dream, right? I'll just live through my daughter's wedding. She will like Lillie's and hand made invitations, damn it. and open bar of course, duh.

As infertiles, we generally steer clear from baby showers at all costs. If we absolutely have to go to one, we will, but we tend to hang out around the food, shoveling it in so no one has much time to ask when we're going to have our next and when they do, we'll usually mumble something through the crunching of the carrots and pretend like someone else is calling us. Well, that's what I do anyway. I got suckered into going to a baby shower Sunday for someone I don't even know, yeah, what the hell is wrong with me? This girl is young, doesn't have much family, her boyfriend's family isn't very accepting of their 'situation' and my boss' church was having a shower for her because she literally had nothing for the baby, that is due in September. Luckily I took Lily with me, so between her 50 bathroom trips, our searches to find any cool toys in a house with grown kids and her frequent snack table trips, I managed to miss most of the "OoOo's" and "Awwwww's" of the pink clothes and cute cards. You know what would make baby showers better? beer. Anyway, I actually made it through the whole thing without one person asking when I was going to have another, may have been the best baby shower I've ever attended, I mean most of the people were well in their 70's and 80's but whatever, I can totally roll with some 70 year olds if it means they don't give a shit when or if I'm having more kids. They leave my vagina out of the conversation and think its funny when my kid announces that "barbie has a butt!" mid-present opening. I bet they'd love a nice hot tottie too, just sayin.

Yes, Lily grace, in fact, Barbie does have junk in the trunk.

oh, and I got my period yesterday. Sometimes I want to curb stomp my ovaries. And when I say sometimes I mean every time I get my period. However, this will be a good week. A little loud music, my little one and a wild berry parfait from Wendy's to commence to a new month, brushing off the last and to remember exactly what I'm fighting for. A three day weekend, a winery trip with some new friends and Lily Grace starting ballet on Thursday. The deck getting completed, pushing through the hard moments, breathing in the happy ones and living each day, exactly as it is. Ain't not period gonna rain on my parade, I tell you what.

detox, of sorts

Lily Grace started going to a babysitter at the ripe age of six weeks so leaving her with someone and to come back to her at the end of the day is nothing new to her, nor me however, she's been with the same group of kids, same provider for her entire life where rules weren't as strict, where a routine wasn't as planned and where most of the learning, was taught by leap frog and Dora. This was her first big step into the world of change and her journey into life. I'm excited for her and as we walked in, she hid behind a shy smile but by the time I left, she was already asking "Miss Cookie" if she could play with the paint. She's brave and as funny as it sounds, I gain a lot of strength from her. She's strong like her momma, and together we help each other. I did leave out the fact that she has had a terrible attitude lately, one of those, makes you want to hang yourself with the onion rings she's throwing, attitudes. I think the new routine, and the structure will coincide with helping contain her sassy girl ways, er god I hope so anyway. I know the first week or so may be a little difficult for her, that girl is set in her ways, another trait inherited from me. Its going to be a whole new realm for her and just the beginning of her future, nothing but up from here little one.

As she finds strength to barrel through her own emotional detox, I am doing the same. I keep busy, you know those worker bees that travel at insane rates of speed from flower, to flower, back to the nest, make a shit ton of honey and start all over? Yeah, add a shot of Monster energy and you have me. I have to keep my mind busy, busy on anything other than what it wants to drift off too. I clean, I cook, I rearrange, I clean some more, I even succumbed to washing Lily's car seat cover and if you've ever seen that thing, you'll know that's a half day project in itself, disgusting. I'll do whatever, to keep my mind straight. For the love of god, I even kept my dentist appointment yesterday just so I had some other purpose, something else to do. I then made a trip to the grocery store. What? Haven't you ever seen a woman with a gossip magazine, wine and steakums? This whole quit-whatever-habit-you-have 'cold turkey' thing is proving to be much harder than I thought, because no matter how busy you keep, or what other life happenings are going on, you still hurt and your heart, is still heavy. No amount of 'comfort' food is enough, the new phone that was supposed to keep you occupied for a few days, only keeps you occupied for a couple of hours. Every song on the radio seems to pertain to your exact situation. The only place I'm really able to let my guard completely down and let lose all emotion tied to this, is at the cemetery, with TJ. sounds depressing as hell, right? I promise, I'm not going to hang myself with onion rings.  You can throw yourself into anything but the pain, you can't outrun. It always finds a way to creep up inside of you, that black cloud seems to follow you around even on the sunniest of days and the more you try to block it out, the worse it gets. You have to deal with it, you have to cope with it and finally, accept it. I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, my brother and I are a lot alike in that way, something about how we grew up, don't ask, dont tell. The easiest feelings to fake, are those to fool someone else and while holding all your emotion in and figuring it out in your head by yourself isn't healthy, I'm not one to burden any one with my shit. unless you're a faithful blog reader, then you get it all. Thanks, btw. I took the first big step, well, I was given a little shove in the right direction anyway, by deleting numbers from my phone, numbers attached to people, who are not healthy in my moving forward. This was hard, that step which may seem so simple, was actually one of the hardest because not only are you removing those numbers from your phone, but from your life. You are deleting people behind these numbers and no matter how unhealthy they are, they were still a part of your life and these decisions will make, or break you. Like a maple tree losing leaves in the fall, you feel lost and bare but I try to find some comfort in knowing that come springtime, you will be green and thriving, it gives you a sense that this isn't the beginning of the end, its only the beginning.

In other news, I finally had to call my DR office regarding my progesterone results from last Thursday, the nurse says "it looks like you're still not ovulating, so increase your Clomid to 150mg, or three pills." HELLO, Nurse, this is earth, where the fuck have you been? I haven't been on Clomid in a year, and what makes you freaks think it would work this time around when it never worked the first time. I told them I need an HSG, I know my body and I'm not wasting anymore time or money on medications that after 5 previous cycles, clearly do not work for me. If there's a blockage in the tubes, ain't no amount of Clomid going to get that freakin' egg to do pirouettes out of my tubes. Time for a new office? Yes, yes it is. I'm calling tomorrow.





hitting walls and getting scars, makes you who you are

I have a tendency to dwell on the past, relive moments and try to pick them apart and understand how each one molded me into the person I am. I tend to smoke the emotional crack pipe. I tend to tie smells and material things to people. I hate really floral smells or flower galleries, they all remind me of funerals and pain. Bustin' out the pumpkin spice candles to commemerate the begining of fall. The smell of coffee brewing reminds me of days when I was pregnant with Lily, that I would meet dad in the mornings before work. Vanilla Bean Frap's with extra caramel remind me of simpler days and a dear friend. Diesel trucks give me goosebumps. I am a firm believer that each person you encounter in life, is for a reason, that good things fall apart so better things can come together. I believe I find my strength in pain.  I am no longer burdened. My will, my faith and my body have been challenged but make no mistake, my heart is strong and my resolve to fight will never be broken.  Don't regret, if it's good, it wonderful. If it's bad, its experience. I know I have a tough few days, weeks, maybe months in front of me. I know I'm already on the path to a better me, a better wife and friend. I'm learning to wait out the storm with the people that mean the most to me. I'm learning just exactly who I am. I've made a mess of me, the person I've been lately ain't who I want to me, but you stay right here beside me and watch as the storm blows through, and I need you. A new me, a new chapter. Said leaf turning, starts now.

Had CD 21 blood work yesterday, er CD 28 for me because we all know how utterly awesome my ovaries are. I see a distinct shift in my chart so maybe I did ovulate this month, I should have those results today or Monday. This trip to the OB was the same as all the others--preggo's, sonograms floating around, happy smiling faces. I do my best to bury my head in my phone, even if I'm just looking at the same facebook posts over and over again, beats the hell out of looking through a pregnancy magazine. Blood work appointments are pretty fast, in and out in a couple minutes usually. When I'm leaving the office and walk out of the door back into the waiting room, where everyone stares you down for a baby bump, sometimes I pretend that the blood work was for a pregnancy test, maybe other people wonder that too, or maybe I'm just crazy. I'm not denying the fact that I'm crazy, btw. Work is still consuming my life and between the infertility and extreme loneliness, I've ditched the pretend cats and traded them for a parrot, a cool parrot named Lewis. I'm just kidding, but really, if I start talking about how Lewis shits everywhere and I'm sick of cleaning it up, for the love of god save me. It's Friday, its a gorgeous morning, one of those morning that reminds you that fall, is just around the corner. For some reason, you can't help but be happy on these mornings, even with all that's going on in life. The coffee is a little better, the sun is a little brighter and the little in the backseat welcoming the morning rays, is a little sweeter.

Sweet jesus Lewis, hold yourself together.

Bring on life, happy weekend friends!

fire in the sky, can't you see that all my castles are burning?

Bridges. We walk them. We jump from them. We stand in awe of their structural beauty. We watch them crumble into small fragments of debris after explosions and most certainly, we burn them. Sometimes unintentionally, sometimes knowing full well that's exactly what we're doing but always, it always hurts to see the wreckage, and to feel the aftermath of a fire in the sky. To pick up the pieces that are left behind seems to be harder than leaving them there to form as one with their surroundings. I'm learning just how devastating this can be. I'm right in the middle of it, ash falling onto my shoulders, watching my world through shattered pieces of glass.
Sometimes I feel as though I'm the ghost of a total stranger and I can see things happening right in front of me but no matter what I do, the outcome doesn't change. I know I always say all the right things and yet, I still can't change. Why is it so hard? There is nothing wrong with change as long as its in the right direction. I can see all the elements of my life that I need to change and for the life of me, can't. I've never had a weight problem but I imagine its a lot like that. Just one more muffin won't hurt, but then you are devastated when you step on the scale, yet time and time again, you give in. Its a vicious cycle and pain itself, is an addiction. Compromise, you can't always get what you want, give a little, get a little. You can seclude yourself in this cocoon you create of your life but eventually, reality will bite you in the ass. You don't come out a glorious butterfly, you wake up in the real world where things are nothing as they seemed. You come out beaten and bruised and in a world that is nothing like the one created in your head. But you have to open your eyes, you have to take on reality, guns blazing. We all have a weakness, a strength. We're all good at something, terrible at something else. We give and take and these elements make us who we are. I believe if you're not going to do something, be something or adventure into something who heartily, then there is no point in doing it. If you're not going to give it your all, don't do it at all. I also know that being a hard head comes with a price, it can make you appreciate everything on another level or, it can make even the easiest elements of life, difficult. Some things though, you can't learn the hard way. Some things, you have to know before its too late. You can chose to have the life you want to live, even if that means slapping a band aid over a hole in your heart, even if you feel like that hole will remain in your heart for the rest of your life, you can chose to keep that band aid over it, and move on. You can chose what's right for your family over what you want. That's the great thing about life, the possibilities are endless and there are options, even in the worst of situations. The problem is, finding the strength to push against the pain in your heart and be a better person, be a better you, build your character and have faith that whatever decision you make, was the right one. No looking back, only pushing forward. My husband is amazing and is taking our situation remarkably well, it shows his character, his strength and his love for our family. His views and faith that making it over this speed bump in our road, will only make our bond stronger. I have to be better, stronger and face the pain of this head on. There are no solutions, no easy answers to pain, you just have to fight through it, because you can't outrun it and life always makes more.  "Well it seems as if all my bridges have been burned, But you say that's exactly how this grace thing works. Its not the long walk home that will change this heart, But the welcome I receive with the restart.."

I've learned that even the most irrevocable damage can be forgiven but the scars will forever remain. I'm learning that the bridge, can be rebuilt. It may take months, it may take years but that bridge can be rebuilt. I'm learning that its not what life throws your way, its how you react to it and above all I'm learning that "faith makes things possible, not easy."