I've been smiling with anchors on and I'm dying to let them go

My pap came back abnormal, however there are only mild/ low-grade lesions present at this time, which is 'normal' in people who have HPV. We'll do a repeat in three months to stay on top of it but he wasn't concerned and the C-2 and C-3 cells I had in 2009 aren't present! It was much better news than I was expecting! My b/w showed I'm low on vitamin D, so he gave me a supplement for that and scheduled my LAP for January 19th! I was surprised he could get me in so fast and he says this will give us the answers we need, I'm so grateful of Dr. R, he's restoring all of my hope in TTC. Its been a long road and I know we've still got a ways to go but having faith in God, means having faith in his timing. This paragraph was written two weeks prior to a life changing event.

A bloggess I regularly follow shared a huge secret this week about self harm, and it empowered me to share mine:
A few months ago, I blogged about evaluating life, making choices and picking up the pieces and moving on. What we fail to talk about, is the aftermath. Making the 'right' choice and saying sorry are only part of the battle, the first step onto a staircase. You don't drown from falling in water, you drown from staying in there. Don't settle in a setback. I set out runnin,' talking a big game of making big life choices and sometimes I still seem to find myself treading water, just going through the slightest motions that will keep my head above water. We say sorry for a multitude of things, however there are so many levels of sorry. I'm sorry to, I'm sorry for, I'm sorry at, I'm sympathetic, we tend to throw that word around as much as Jim Bob from 19 kids and counting throws his penis around. Sometimes we mean it, sometimes we do not. Sometimes we have every intention of standing behind that "I'm sorry" and sometimes we fail to follow through. Same with making a choice, you can make a choice, but still hold onto the possibility of the choice you didn't make. You have to let go of that possibility and give the choice you made, your all. Letting go doesn't mean giving up but rather accepting that things just can't be. How many times though, can we say sorry without following through? How many "I'm sorry's" are we allotted before the significance of the word means nothing? There's no coming back when you're still carrying the past, there is no moving forward, when you're still looking back. Lucky we are, when we have it all, having our cake and eating that shit too, that is until you can't pretend anymore, when your luck runs out and you can't fake it and the lines between dreams and reality begin to blur. Reality hits you in the chest like a ton of bricks and you see the realness of something you caused on the faces of people you love, you bear the pain in your heart, as well as the pain you can feel in theirs. Its almost like when the winter wind is so fierce and cold and takes your breath away, you cant find the words and whatever words you do find, sure as hell aren't the right ones. You're left grasping, trying to form sentences that never seem to make sense, even to you. You wonder if you're really that naive in thinking you could carry this juggling act, or did you drop the ball in hopes that your decision would be made for you. Time can be your best friend, or worst enemy. It can fly by or seem to stand still. Time, you think you have a lot of it and in the scheme of life, you do. You tend to think your time is endless, or that if you just had a little more time you could figure things out, or finish that big project. Our lives revolve around a time frame, we are handed deadlines, we give ourselves deadlines and you meet them, you do whatever you can to meet that deadline. Sometimes though, you run out of time, its cut short before you've finished, before you're ready to meet that deadline and you go from spinning, to standing still. Coward, somebody lacking courage, you don't know what exactly you want, you think you do, you're not certain and you sure as shit aren't prepared to make a choice. There is no easy road, there is no easy answer and the only person who can decide the fate of so many people's lives, is yourself. A crowded street can be a quiet place when your walking alone and for all the hardest roads, we have to walk alone. You are the only person who can make you happy. You are the only one who can chose the hand played in the game of life. "She feels locked in her own life, scared of what she might lose if she moves away from who she was and she’s afraid of being free. There’s a way she knows is right and she can’t feel the things she knows and so each step she’s taking is a step of faith towards who she’ll be”

Making a 'plan' in your head and then actually having it unfold in front of your eyes are two completely different, life changing situations.You thought the scenarios out, you penciled in a future that was once in marker and then, just like and etch-a-sketch that gets shaken, all the lines and scenarios are left broken and in pieces and you are left trying to figure which pieces actually go back together, which pieces were part of a dream and which ones are real. I'm faulted, I'm stuck in treacherous water, holding on to hurt like an anchor, haunted by the ghosts of my memories and I see the people I love reaching for me at the shore and I know, at some point, they will have to stop reaching. I reflect back on 2011 and the roller coaster ride in which it was and come to the realization that I have a lot of growing to do. Mistakes do not define you, they tell you who you're not. I'm learning that the hardest thing in life is knowing which bridge to burn and which one to cross. I learned that if you want to find out where you're going, you have to get back to your roots, you have to remember where you came from and where you've been but don't reread the last chapter of your life too much, it will keep you from moving onto the next one. I learned that strength can be tested in a multitude of ways.  I'm learning that nothing is in my timing, I'm learning to let go and I'm learning that every single person you meet, is fighting a hard battle. And I'm learning that happiness, above all else, will prevail. If you're happy, everyone around you will be happy. And the main thing I've learned in all of this? Sometimes, people will take your breath away. Friends and family are the only thing holding me together right now. The support in which they provide, by some not even knowing they are doing so, is something unexplainable. I'm so grateful for the people in my life and for their help.

A quote from the bloggess I follow that really hit home, "Still broken.  Still stuck.  Still fighting.  But feeling almost weightless from having this secret lifted off my chest.  Thank you for helping me carry this."

You can't prepare yourself for a sudden impact. You can't brace yourself, it just hits you. Out of nowhere. Victims of a sudden impact are some of the hardest to treat. Its not just the collision that injures them, its everything after. My secret? My husband and I have been separated for a week. And I'm not sure where this is going.

good news for people who love bad news.

I got a call from the new RE office and they need me to come in to go over my lab and pap results, this was not expected as my next appointment was to be after and HSG and before the LAP. Awesome. I go in on the 28th at 4:00. I do think he is going to bypass the HSG and go right ahead with the LAP in January as we did the hsg in 2010 with no results. That, of course, is if all of my labs came back normal, but lets face it, its me, there is always something standing in my way. I kind of expected it. However, it could ALWAYS be worse. I could be the lady on the most recent episode of Call of the Wildman. I tried to find a youtube clip of it and I couldn't so my illustration below is pretty much exactly what she looked like, just so you can get the full affect of her awesomeness. A few questions I have, do you really need that many brightly colored hair clips designated to one area of hair? And just how to you get a possum infestation? I mean they aren't little bugs or mice that squeeze through holes, they are freaking possums. I'm pretty sure as 'turtleman' was telling her about her issue this is what was going through her head "I don't even know what the FUCK a possum is. I thought they were cats. I named them. Why are there cameras here? I need more hair clips."

If you haven't seen "Call of the Wildman", do yourself a favor and tune in. You're in for a real treasure. *insert obnoxious call of the wild he does*

******

Every year, my good friend and I exchange Christmas letters, you know, the one your great Aunt sends you about her extravagant traveling and hobbies? Yeah, well we mock the shitty parts of our lives in our letters. So to keep with tradition, I'll share mine this year:

Dearest friends and family,

I hope this Christmas letter finds you well.

Our year has been rather eventful. We spent weekends visiting wineries and enjoyed a summer vacation in the Outer Banks to avoid going home and having "Bruce Bruce" knock on our door for loan money for his "insulin" problem. Our deck was finally completed in October and as by then it was too cool to use it, we are looking forward to sipping margaritas on it next summer. Lily has been blossoming in Pre-school, her newest phrases are "Poopy-butt!" and "You worry 'bout yourself". She's also been doing a very good job at maintaining both of her personalities, we refer to them as Jackal and Hyde. Her extracurricular activities include dance, watching Beauty and the Beast on repeat and picking her nose. I celebrated my eight year anniversary as keeper of the books this year, I received an excellent evaluation and a small pay raise as we've lost clients this year. I also received more work as I run that shit on a daily basis. I'm thinking of getting a real parrot for the office to keep me company to replace Lewis, the fake one, who keeps me company now. I've been partaking in a few hobbies myself since being alone at the office, such as learning to side braid my hair, broadening my vocabulary at Words with Friends and expanding my vocal abilities with the likes of Adele. I'm pretty sure I should get employee of the month, every month. We made a charitable donation this year of $450 to Culpeper County and the Town of Culpeper for personal property. Its such an honor to be able to park our cars in our driveway in their county. I wouldn't have spent that money any other way!

Yet another year I regret to inform you that Lily did not become a big sister. My cervix has attachment issues to cancer and my tubes seem to be that of an 80 year old whore. So in planning for 2012, the Doctor will insert a scope through my belly button and out my pelvis to check my pipes for blockage. I knew I got rid of my belly button ring years back for a good reason, aside from the fact it would get caught on my mom jeans, I would hate to have to explain an infertility scar every time I flashed my bling. We made no big purchases this year as we've been trying to save for the making of another child, unless you include the brand new 1994 truck with 200,000 miles on it that we bought to haul the necessities of life and to get us back and forth to work in the two snowstorms per year we have.

Wishing you the happiest of holidays! belted in my Adele voice

Stacy

But seriously, have a glorious Christmas bloggy friends! I'll be making reindeer food to put on the driveway so they don't miss our house, baking cookies for Santa so he knows we appreciate him, making sure the 'repeat' button works on the CD player to ensure Glee Christmas plays non-stop and plotting ways to tell people to get the hell out of my house on Christmas after I've had enough of their cheer just kidding, sort of. Enjoy the food, company, cheer and of course, the wine!

This just in: LAP surgery & we're going to need more wine!

I had my appointment with my new RE this morning. I like Dr. R! I didn't feel rushed and his waiting room Better Homes/Parenting magazine ratio pleased me. Props to you on that one Dr. R, not all of us like seeing babies and fertile mothers and their fertile smiles on every single magazine cover. Anyway, I had to get a pap, my last one was in 2009, right after my CKC surgery so I'm WAY overdue for one. I'm a little nervous to get the results back, I have an eerie feeling that my dysplasia is back, which will halt TTC plans until its taken care of. I'm hoping that is not the case and that the surgery has done its job! On the TTC front, he's going to schedule a Laparoscopy before we move onto more invasive, money spending procedures such as the IUI. In short, they insert a tube and dye thru your belly button and check your tubes for signs of endometriosis or anything else that could be causing problems. He suggests this first because if we were to go ahead and do the IUI and there be some blockage in my tubes, the IUI and two g's would all flush right down my tubes because if the egg can't travel down them, then the hub's eager 75 mil sperm can't woo it with their dirty talk and lemonade. I'm pretty sure that's how it happens. I think this is a good plan, I'm ready for it, I'm ready for what's next in life. I'm ready for you January!

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I've got all my shopping done but still need to make one quick trip the the 'burg. I'm so over shopping for other people, I'm way more of a fan of shopping for myself. Ho, friggin' Ho, right? I have to clean house this weekend in preparation of Christmas dinner at our house. I don't think in the history of ever that I've cleaned my whole house at one time. I'm not one of those people. Growing up, my mom would designate weekends as 'house cleaning weekend' Hell to the nah in my house. If somethings dusty and its starting to bother me when the sun hits it just right, then I'll dust that bitch. If socks start sticking to the floor, I may feel the urge to mop it. I just have to be in a cleaning mood to really want that Clorox smell looming in the air, but mood or not, it must be done this weekend. I'm so ADD in many ways that its impossible for me to start one thing and finish it, I start five things before I ever finish what I first started with. I need a list. A cleaning list. I'll start that today. oh god, I bet my mother has 'cleaning lists'. I was proud of myself for getting out an e-vite to the Morrison side of the family for Christmas dinner, before Christmas Eve. I'm sure they are second guessing letting me take over this whole thing this year after my invite, but whatevs, it will be glorious.

Actual lines from my Christmas at my house e-vite:

"Also, my wine bar has wine in it. Just sayin'. And, my 'Glee Christmas' CD will be playing on repeat for the entire day, because it's awesome. You've been warned. Also, We will provide the appetizers, ham, deviled eggs and holiday plates. Fight with each other over what else you would like to bring for sides because if you ask me, I'll tell everyone wine and pie because I really like those things" If that doesn't frighten people away from coming they must be really awesome or like wine & pie as much as I do.

And if they aren't fans of those awesome things, then I'm pretty sure they shouldn't be partaking in my ham, or Jesus juice, THANK YOU.

New RE & Holiday hullabaloo

I set up an infertility consultation with a new RE for December 14th! A few things I'm excited about, THEY ACCEPT OUR INSURANCE, the DR is a dude and the practice is only 15 minutes from my work and with my tied to the office work schedule, this works out extremely well. I'm excited to hear their plan of attack and I swear to sweet baby Jesus if they want to do Clomid I will go all crazy infertile on them. To recap where I'm at: It's been two years of negative pregnancy tests. December will be one year since the miscarriage. I've been charting and seem to be ovulating, the previous RE wanted to bypass Clomid (as I've already done several unsuccessful rounds on this) and go straight to injections and IUI and then those assholes stopped taking our insurance. We are only covered for office visits and blood work but every little bit helps. I'm anxious to see how much an IUI procedure will cost at the new office. I'm hopeful and going in head high but grounded. Its the first step on a staircase of many steps but if you believe in fate, you fight for it. My gloves are on. "Without strength, there is no courage. Without pain, there is no joy. Without struggle, there is no triumph."

*****
The joke of "we should do Christmas dinner at Erik & Stacy's" turned into the real deal. I'm actually really excited to not unwrap presents in a quick fashion, get cleaned up, dressed and leave the house all before noon. It will be refreshing to sip my coffee until its gone, to lounge in my pj's until I absolutely must get dressed and to fill my house with family, food and the Christmas ambiance that comes with it this time of year. And the Glee Christmas CD playing in the background, of course. It also means 24 hours of A Christmas Story and that's a must. I mean I have a lot of organizing and a little planning and decorating to do but I love this shit. I'm even going to send out an e-vite because the Morrison side of the family is always last minute, no one ever knows what time or where anything is or what they're supposed to bring. It also gives me a chance to make these:

And these:

This site should come with a disclaimer noting that it will CONSUME YOUR LIFE. Its awesome. Its more awesome than awesome. It will rock your crafty world. Luckily now through the end of December is slow at work so I have pretty much 8 hours a day to browse.

*****

We've been trying to save money with the holiday coming up  and we really can't tell where we've been spending all of our money besides gas and groceries and my husband claims he buys nothing, he can't cut back anymore than he does, which happens to be mostly true, he really doesn't buy much. However, this is how the conversation went, husband: "where can you cut costs? How about not buying a bottle of wine anytime you go to the store?" Me: "Did you just hear yourself? THAT IS NOT AN OPTION." You know those moms who go insane, like drive into a lake insane or chop husbands penises off in their sleep insane? I'm assuming that's because their husbands tried to cut their wine allowance. I'll take that win, husband. Besides, I'm building up my cork collection and I do not think my $7 indulgence (or sanity in a glass) is breaking the bank. Also, he's never had to wake Lily up during the week, shits crazy. Also, I just bought a wine bar that will not fill itself. Also, I'm just a really big fan of it.

hide the knives, husband. HIDE THE GODDAMN KNIVES.

Maybe if everyone is caught up in the food, wine and Christmas high they won't notice our Charlie Brown tree. or that all the knives are missing.

I've got to make this life make sense

I'm thankful for the familiar things I know and for the things I'll never know. I'm thankful for my unanswered prayers, I know god has a bigger plan for me. For the raspy, silent laugh Lily does when she's laughing so hard, that the noise that comes with it just can't quite keep up. My girlfriends. You want to know how a girl survives? Look by her side. You ladies embrace my freak flag, you don't make me paint myself in black and white, or limit myself to a definition. You know I've got a few lose screws and you don't give a shit. My husband, who has shown me more about myself, than anyone. He's the toughest fighter I know. I aspire to be like him, his work ethic, his passion for family and his expectations of himself. When he loves, he loves hard and at times that leaves him vulnerable to being hurt but its never stopped him from loving. Always willing, to help, to love, to better himself. My family and how supportive they are, even in the worst of time. It's been a rough year and I've learned that if you ever need to figure out where you're going, start with where you've been and where you come from.
Being thankful comes in so many shapes and forms. For Lily, most of the time it comes in a "this is my best day!" and in that, I know she's thankful for that day, for whatever we did and who we are. For my husband and I, it usually comes in the same form. If we're excited about something or like the elements, we tend to say "that would be my best day!" Although the occasional "thank you" is nice to hear and is still important, its also important to look for the thankfulness that comes in the in-between. It's in the moments where a rake and fall leaves make the perfect jumping piles. It's at the table playing cards with dear friends, sipping wine and laughing until it actually hurts. It's watching a perfect little three year old stand in the shower with her eyes closed while the water runs down her and catching a glimpse of the beautiful woman she is going to be. It's carrying on the most important conversation about a play-doh picnic. The first fruit in the summer and the sky-pink hues in October that are as significant as the changing seasons. Letting the little 'help', which is mainly an egg stirred too fast and spilled or flour that has missed the bowl but letting her help anyway because she is willing, able and ready to learn. We tend to miss these moments, we get busy, our minds gets clouded, we lose sight of what's important. I'm thankful for the right now, the life as I'm in it at this exact moment, no more, no less.

Today is my eight year anniversary of keeper of the books. I stumbled upon this job a few months after graduating high school and who knew it would end up being such a perfect fit for me. I'm thankful to have such a steady job, that I like. I have a great relationship with my boss, my clients generally listen to me when I tell them they're spending too much and I've got a lot of 'wiggle' room. With taking things over and being an official business owner in the near future, I'm proud of this accomplishment. I'll drink to that tonight!

I'm going to surprise Lily and go to her Thanksgiving luncheon tomorrow. Work keeps me busier than I like, but with the little wiggle room I have, I'm making sure to make time for her, so she feels special, so she will always know that she comes first and will remember these times that we would do things, just for her, just because we love her. After all, she is my greatest accomplishment in life and though waking her in the mornings is much like waking the spawn of satan, she was heaven sent. I can't say it enough, she saved me from being everything I hate about myself. I'm most grateful that she's in my life and even more grateful to be her mom. Find a reason, every day, to be thankful. Toast to it, drink to it, say it to yourself, whatever it is you do, find a reason. Thankfulness and happiness go hand in hand and you are the only one who can make you happy. As you sit around your table, stuffing your faces with turkey and all the trimmings, take a minute and breathe in your surroundings. We know all to well that tomorrow isn't promised, so drink it the good stuff while you're living it.

Thank you, bloggy friends, for giving me an outlet to express myself, a way to cope with the emotional highs and lows of infertility and reading my stories on exploding pythons (of the non-penis sort). I'm able to put all that's in my head on paper and times when I don't believe in myself, you're always there to believe in me. You pretty much rock my world!

exploding pythons (and I don't mean penises!)

Baby showers are my kryptonite, especially the ones where no one knows my struggle. The mom-to-be at this particular shower is my husbands cousin. She hates being pregnant and I'm unsure she said anything positive about her whole pregnancy other than the fact that she loves eating cake for breakfast. She also prodded as to when we were going to have another and when "it's a long process for us" wasn't good enough, she came back all "you are going to have more, right?". I was nice on her and went all "we'd like to!". I should have been more "yeah, just as soon as my bitch of a cervix gets her shit together" Had I had more than one glass of wine on the way there, I'm sure it would have went more like that. act like you didn't know I needed as glass of wine before attempting said shower. And it occurred to me as I was watching swamp wars the other night and a giant python engulfed a freaking alligator like it was it's job, that's what I should have done. However, in this case the python exploded half way exposing the alligator, so the snake won in the beginning but got his, mid-snack. Lose/lose.

Karma, at its finest.

I have yet to make a consultation appointment with a new RE. I'm not exactly sure why I'm so apprehensive. I guess its the feeling of leaving the office as I did the last one, completely lost and overwhelmed. I know more than anything, I'm scared. We'll only have one shot one $2,000.00 shot mind you at this, because who knows when we'd be able to get together that kind of money to try again if this doesn't work. I mean, that is an option, the IUI not working. Sure, I'm hopeful that it will. I'm hopeful that the sperm they place right into my freaking uterus will do their job and and egg will attach and happy ending but lets be serious, this infertility shit keeps me grounded enough to know, that it might not work out like that. It might be awful and I might feel like that was my only chance for who knows how long and it just might be the last straw on this struggle that takes me to my knees. I believe I need to take the chance, invest my faith and be vulnerable to the opportunity, but that also means being vulnerable to the even greater hole this could leave in my heart. Everyone has their struggles, whether its health or family, marriage or infertility, we all fight for something. I mean look at the python for god's sake, he was fighting for food, he was hungry, saw that damn alligator and said "self, I'm gonna eat that big bitch for snack" I mean, it didn't really work out in the end but he saw that big ass alligator as no problem, just a little bump in the road and owned it. Until he exploded and all. Yes, I realize I'm reading WAY too much into the pythigator but it was totally appropriate for my post. Infertility is my alligator, I need to make it my bitch.

Also, I got my period (of course) last week, so we're onto cycle 25. CYCLE 25. Two years of negative pregnancy tests and heart breaks.  Also some more, two FB friends had babies,boys, on Monday. One of them complained every day of her pregnancy, I hope her baby has colic. Just kidding, sort of. The Duggar's also announced this week that loosey-goosey momma Duggar is three months pregnant with her 20th child, TWENTIETH! Seriously, world, do you want me to kill myself? I'm only kidding, I faint at the sight of my own blood. Besides, I bet babies pretty much just fall out of her vagina by now, and I'm pretty sure her uterus will one of these days. 20 kids will probably do that to ya, that's what you get for being greedy. Karma, Duggar, karma.

Basically, you can apply all of life to the pythigator.

pure awesomeness.

We attended both of our Halloween parties which by the way, I've come to the realization that I'm too old to dance in 4 inch heels for 6 hours. My legs, ankles and poor feet feel like I just ran a ten miler. If people start asking why I'm walking like an 80 year old, I'm pretty much going to tell them I ran a ten miler. I think it's equivalent and Lily rocked her bumble bee costume in her parade at school. We sat around the fire pit handing out candy to all the little creatures and handing the torch to the end of the year Holidays. Lily's "Dance little skeletons" and "Pumpkins on a gate" songs will be replaced with Pilgrims and sharing. Painted pine cones will decorate the kitchen table and radio will soon be filled with the hum of Christmas songs. Some people commemorate the day after Halloween as the first day to listen to Christmas music, I don't judge. Let your freak flag fly! With the holidays and all of the glorious calorific foods that come with them quickly approaching I need to start running again. Exercise is one of the easiest things to fall out of the routine of doing and also one of the hardest things to get back into. I love the way it makes me feel when I'm doing it, I love how much healthier I feel after doing it and yet still can't find the right amount of motivation to lace up the running shoes. Its hard, especially around the holidays, to find the time to take care of yourself. Its hard for a mom in general to find time for herself but to continue to be that good mom, its necessary to do these things. Pick the little up 30 minutes late so you can get the pedi you've been putting off, sit in the parking lot with your iced latte that you don't want to share, jamming to songs she can't listen to anymore because she repeats "boobies and droppin' it low". Make a coffee date with your friend for 30 minutes after work, you will never regret it. It doesn't make you a bad mom, it makes you a better one.

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Grammy, has a facebook. FB is a great way to stay in touch with family, keep up with life and share your pictures without downloading only 6 per email because that's all that will fit. I even have my in laws on there and most of my aunts and cousins and such, however, they know that sometimes I fail to have a sensor. If you friend me and don't think my "Lily said boobies" or "Knock knock mother fucker" statuses are awesome, then I'm not certain where you went wrong in life or why we're friends because that's funny shit. I love my Grammy but I just don't think she's ready for me. Besides, 'friending' her is just a bridge to my mother who knows that I'm inappropriate and like wine just refuses to embrace it. Clearly, I'm far too awesome for her liking. I'm also not sure ho she'd feel about my recent status of Lily toppling over in her carseat because when my husband put it back in the car he didn't strap it down. Why, dear husband, would you just put the carseat in its appropriate place only to look like its strapped in? I drove around with her chillin' in her carseat all loosey-goosey for TWO days. Only reiterating the fact I'm not sure how the hospital let us bring home a kid! I made a sharp right turn into the gas station and she and her jet pack looking carseat attached to her rolled over onto the seat and then rolled between the back of the drivers seat and the back seat of the car. She was wedged there like a turtle who was helpless. I could not stop laughing, I'm sure no one else at the gas station thought it was comical, in fact I'm certain the ol' bitch next to me was was going to call child protective services. Lily is all freaked out with a deer in the headlights look on her face and I can't muster the energy to help her yet because I'm still laughing. I gain composure, help the girl out and strap the carseat down. Girlfriend doesn't forget stuff, so I made sure to tell her DADDY was the one who let this tragedy happen. I'll tell her this story when she's old and thinks being a bad parent is not letting her stay out past 10:00. I imagine it will go like this, "remember that one time Dad didn't strap your carseat in and you were all loosey-goosey in the backseat? Don't let that happen on your date tonight!" I'll put it as my status that day because it's awesome. I probably won't friend her on FB either.