she took the leap & built her wings on the way down

 

 

I have been a TERRIBLE blogger, friends! Life has been crazy busy and it never helps that every time I sit down to write, Pinterest finds its craftastic way onto my computer. I guess I need to recap since last post, my face has healed nicely, except a few tiny scars, which in time, might fade too. And I have steered clear of all ditch jumping since!

I turned 28 in July and you'll be happy to know I did NOT go to a strip club and puke all over the stage this year! I'm growing up, I know. I did think however, that I would have my shit together by now, that I'd own the business that I got laid off from, that I'd be almost done having kids and still be married but sometimes the universe throws you a curve ball. I didn't want to wake up one morning when I was fifty feeling the same way. Sometimes you see a path, you see a path and you take it, even when you have no idea where its going. I'm 28, I'm living in my parents basement, I have a four year old, I'm divorcing my husband of seven years, every day is a battle but you know what? I feel free. I feel like me. Its been awakening. I've found calmness and comfort in people like never before. I have friends and family who understand me. Who really understand me. Its a beautiful thing (I'm aware that sounds totally gay and shit but I'm running with it because its true. and I added and shit to make it less gay) to have such amazing people in your life.

Divorce is never easy, not by any means. Its hurtful, its long, its painful, it can be costly but when your happiness outweighs all of those things, its worth it. And in time, that scar will fade as well. Its especially hard when both parties don't agree on much, especially when your spouse is still hurt. No, leaving wasn't easy, picking up the pieces wasn't easy, starting over isn't easy but I'm the only one that can be the hero of my own story. Heroes do what needs to be done, regardless of the consequences. I still have a long time before I'm where I want to be, but I'm closer than I was. Its hard to compromise with someone who doesn't see things your way, or sees things for worse than they are and that works both ways. Its finding a center line, finding any kind of center in a world of chaos. Its patience, its work and most importantly, its hiding whatever hurt you are feeling, whatever anger you're holding onto and doing what needs to be done, for your child. You, both, are all that child has and to show her that even though things didn't work out, you are still there for her. Still fighting, for her.

Lily Grace is as mean as she is cute, your typical spitfire of a four year old. Girl's got a tude but she as smart as she can be. I find myself getting a little teary eyed thinking of her starting real school next year, thinking if she thinks how different things are or could have been but I don't dwell there too much, because this is the life she knows and, she's happy too. She has questions every now and then and I answer the best way I can and we move on, she's not dumb and would have always known if mom was happy or not. Maybe one day when she understands, she can be proud of me. Granted, I walked out on a marriage but at the same time, did what felt right in my heart. If it teaches her to follow that, to chase dreams, to think for herself, then I'll have accomplished that. And, if not, I hope she can forgive me. I had my mini-vacay with her, we went to the zoo with a dear friend, did the waterpark one day and the beach another. My ex took her to Disney World, WTF, way to top me on that one. Can you ever really top Disney World? I don't think so. None the less, she doesn't do without, she is healthy and most of all, loved. She's going to move mountains, that one.

I'm still me.

I have a boyfriend. He keeps my feet anchored to the ground, and my heart in the clouds. We all know I'm a little wild and instead of taming that wild heart of mine, he runs with it. He makes me happy without even knowing it,

I still prefer taco bell over a five course meal.

I still stop by chick fil a when the banana pudding milkshakes come out.

I still need my girls.

I'm still crazy.

and of course I still drink wine and cuss like a sailor, duh!

It takes a multitude of emotions to look back over this past year and how much has changed. My blog went from a journey for another baby to a journey of divorce. Sometimes I'm not sure if the two somehow, in some way,coincide or maybe had a part in this amongst other things but time will do its thing. And if there is one thing I know, time is one thing that doesn't change.

Rock bottom was the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. Who knows what the future holds, but I'm here now and I'm fine with it.

 

 

ditch dwelling

Lily Grace had a glorious 4th birthday, aside from me and her having to drive 30 minutes with a melting cake and a little party awkwardness. I don't know how I managed to salvage the cake, it was sliding off of the cake round, onto my passenger seat, blue icing everywhere, I was trying to hold it in place while driving, blasting the AC to try and keep it cool and Lily's in the back freaking out about how cold it is in the car. Pretty much everything I do is CHAOS. But clearly, that's just how I roll. I spent the morning and day with her so her dad got her for the night. I thought the hustle and bustle from the day was over and I could relax a little, I usually don't. I'm going, always.

 Disclaimer before you read the rest of my story: if you judge, you should probably just stop reading. Just kidding, sort of. I kind of judged myself on this one.  I went to a little get together and wandered down the road, it was dark and about 10pm. I'm walking up the side of the road texting and the next thing I remember is gasping for air in a ditch. HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN!? I was about three feet down covered in stank ass swamp mud. I was out of the water but unable to get out of the ditch. Luckily, or by the grace of god rather, there was a couple on their front porch right across from where I fell. I just kept yelling help and they came over and pulled me out and walked me back up to the get together. Just a fall in swamp water in a ditch shouldn't be so bad, right? Wrong. I looked like a horror show. I made my friends get me to the shower to clean up, I was covered in mud from head to toe. I finally caught a glimpse of my face. I was wrecked. None of us could understand how such injuries could come from falling into a ditch and I remembered absolutely nothing. I was rushed to the hospital by ambulance because off the three inch knot on my forehead. I was pretty loopy in the ambulance, I kept making the EMT tell me we were in a helicopter and being a good sport, he went along with it. He was just trying to keep me awake and conscious but I give him props for it. I had three gashes that had to be cleaned and fixed, they did a CT scan of my head, an xray of my elbow and ankle and diagnosed me with a concussion, which is why I couldn't remember what happened. I got discharged early that morning with some pain pills and an antibiotic. A few of us walked down to where I fell to see if we could find my shoes and phone and it was clear what happened. One of my shoes was caught under a vine, I fell face first into a metal grate by a culvert and right onto rocks. It could have been a alot worse, I could have been knocked unconscious and drowned, I could have been impaled by one of two metal rods on either side of the grate. I am thankful to be alive. It just goes to show how at any given moment, everything could change. We were walking back up and I just started crying, happy to be given another chance tears. God has bigger plans for me and after the realization that all that I have could've been taken away in and instant, I'll make sure to do whatever it is that I'm here to do.  That day happened to be Mother's Day. Happy friggin mothers day, you look like Halloween. I couldn't even see my baby that day because it literally would have scared the shit out of her. I waited two days to see her, I needed the swelling to go down some and was hoping my black eye would start to heal. She was slightly, ok more than slightly, concerned when she finally did see me, but only concerned that I was ok. "She was all, maybe you need a band aid!" I was so happy to see her, smell her, breathe her in. I very easily could have never had the chance to do that again if things went differently only a few short nights before. The only moment you are certain of having is the one you're in, breathe in each one you are gifted.

Metal grate, meet my face. Face, meet metal grate.

Halloween mask

*****
I finally grew a pair and went to the eye Dr and as expected, I needed glasses. I knew I did, especially for driving. When leaves look like squirrels and street signs have no meaning I figured it was time to go. I actually like the pair I picked out, they make me look smart, like I know what I'm talking about. And its like a whole new world. The trees have leaves. THE TREES HAVE FRIGGIN LEAVES. Its glorious.

Have a great weekend, friends!

funny how a melody sounds like a memory

Hey baby, I'm a rockstar

It’s that time again, yes, Lily Grace’s birthday. Didn’t I JUST plan a birthday party for her? Seriously. How has this year flown by so quick? From where I sit in my office I can see the hospital she was born in, it’s funny, no matter how much time ever passes, I will always remember every single detail of that day that changed my life forever. So much has changed for her over this year. It’s hard not to get super emotional this go around when thinking of it. That kid is a monster, and I mean that in the best possible way. She’s gone through things that three year olds shouldn’t. She’s felt emotions that shouldn’t be tapped into until much later in life. She is a trooper. A mf’n monster! She’ll be the first to tell you what’s on her mind, whether good or bad, whether you want to hear it or not and even if it hurts. She’s walked one of the hardest lines in life, and though the balance on that line isn’t over, she maintains perfect form while doing it. I couldn’t be more proud of her, she inspires me every day to be better. This year’s birthday theme is Tangled and we’re doing the party, together. I haven’t seen most of my husband's family since the separation and aside from one of them (who won’t even be there) I have no ill feelings, I’m actually kind of excited to see them, I know some may not feel in the excitement to see me but I’m hoping it’s not awkward for anyone. It’s about Lily, it’s her day and I think with the legion of love we all share for her, we can bypass the awkwardness for two hours. We are all entwined together forever and though the love once shared between two families may not be as strong as it once was, it’s still there and a part of our hearts will always reside a small piece for one another. Lily is a piece of all of us, which makes her so perfect and the reason I know there will be an unprecedented amount of love shown for her on her big day.

*****

"Dreams aren’t meant to be understood any more than tragedy can be averted. Life happens to us. We learn to be grateful when things are good and to count our blessing when things are bad. And the only certainty in all of it is that it all just keeps happening.” I have moments of happiness, moments of sadness, moments where I push the bruise to feel the pain. I have yet to let myself heal, I don’t know that I ever fully will, maybe when my husband finds happiness that part can begin for me, maybe when Lily’s “bad” nights are no more. I get stuck in this in between of carrying everyone’s hurt and moving forward with my own happiness but I’m ok with it. I know time does its part in healing. I know I can’t dwell on things I can’t change because life does move on, with or without you. And when I do let myself feel moments of happiness, oh it’s good. Chatting with a girlfriend, hearing “I love you momma”, fishing with your hair curled and nails done with someone who makes you momentarily forget all that you are holding on your shoulders, sitting in the sun with the greatest support system anyone could have and SUMMERTIME (ok, I’m jumping the gun on that one but with these warm days, it gets me stoked). My job is going great, these doh-doh birds had no idea what they were doing however when they hired me to work with my coworker. She is exactly like me. Frightening, right? Two of us in one office, it’s pretty much the best day of people’s lives, or so I like to think. She cusses and likes wine as much as I do. I’m trying to get the guys to paint a giant mural of our faces on the wall. I’d like a unicorn body. And maybe my normal color hair. And possibly with Justin Beiber riding me, not in a dirty way. I may or may not have been kidding about the last part. The amount of coffee I’ve had today is starting to make my wirey so the last half of this post might be random, apologies. I took Lily to a rescue zoo a few weekends ago to avoid going to the National Zoo on a Saturday. It was an hour drive and $15 for both of us to get in. It only took half an hour for us to walk through and the tiger wasn’t even there. So basically, it was a bunch of snakes, birds and random hybrids no one has ever seen. I can see that in my back yard, or at work. I made us walk around twice just to make sure we didn’t miss something glorious and then we had a picnic in the back of my car, where we discussed the dumbness of our trip. I said sorry it sucked, she said “it’s ok mom, just do better next time”. She had to go to the bathroom and I wasn’t taking her back in to use the third world country porta potty’s and assumed she just had to pee. I took her to the grass if you’re judging me right now you probably shouldn’t read any further and as she’s peeing proceeds to tell me she’s pretty sure she has to poop. Seriously, Lily? Seriously. Right there in the grass, like a dog. I can see how this story might go in a few years, “yeah, mom took me to this sucky zoo, we had cold pizza in the car then I shit in the grass” awesome memories!

Happy rainy day, bloggy friends!

The Lorax knows his shit & I made the paper!

I’m falling behind on posts, I know it’s terrible but I’ve been extremely busy (in a good way!) I got a job after just one week of being laid off, sucketh the dick of life on that one, old boss.  It’s doing what I did before but just for one company and, I love it. I see people, I like the girl I work with and I get to say fuck whenever I want because it’s just a bunch of construction guys. AND, I was in the paper after being here for 3 days, yep, we’re local celebrities here. I really wanted to stack a shit ton of papers in front of my old bosses door, ya know, to make sure she saw that I got a job and that even though she kicked me when I was down, I have too much fight in me to stay down. I would even autograph it for her.

*****

I was totally jammin’ to a newbie song on the radio, like windows down, music loud, head bobbin jammin’. I got to work and youtubed it because when I find a new song I play the shit out of it until I can no longer stand it and it was JUSTIN BEIBER. I was all omg, am I really madly in love with a Bieber song? This can’t be happening. It really happened and now I’m secretly excited for Lily to like him so I can secretly love going to his concerts. However, I sang the chorus so much that she told me to stop, that she didn’t like that song. This means I have to refrain from my obnoxious belts of “IF I WAS YOUR BOYFRIEND!” for a while and let her hear the actual song herself and maybe buy her a milkshake while doing so, that way she will like him.

In all fairness, it is glorious. Do you ears a favor and listen to it.



*****

Easter was a little different this year; I celebrated with Lily on Saturday doing all things Easter and saw her for a little on Sunday. While I know it’s still hard for her to really understand exactly what’s going on, she is adjusting better by the day. I’m trying to mend relationships with those that have fallen apart, I’m trying to work through the massacre that was January and the crazy pills that caused it, I’m looking towards the future, I’m done looking back…and to some people’s amazement, I’m standing on my own two feet. It feels good. It’s a weird feeling, I saw a thank you card that a lady friend sent my husband for flowers and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about it, but it made me glad. Glad that someone appreciates him like he should be appreciated, glad that he can and will be happy again. I want him to be happy, he deserves it. Everyone does. I know it doesn’t come that easy, I know there will be more tears shed, I know there is still a long road ahead and I know that the waiting is the hardest part but it will all be worth it in the end, things have a funny way of working out like that. You have to follow your heart, it won’t let you down. No matter what people think of your choices, only you know what you feel in your heart. You are your only judge and like the Lorax says, “those who matter, don’t mind and those who mind, don’t matter”. When you know better, you do better. You don’t have to hold yourself hostage for who you used to be or what you used to do. I haven’t made the best decisions, or considered other people’s feelings as much as I should but I’m a work in progress. I have a thriving little girl, a home with people who love me, friends who are my biggest support, a job I love and wine, of course. I am blessed.

rock bottom

Just when you think it can't get any worse, it can. You've come to the edge of your darkness and feel you'll either be taught how to fly or find solid ground but you're left falling to a whole 'nother left of uncertainty. I was laid off from my nine year job. This only adds to the shitstorm 2012 has been for me. The only stable, certain thing in my life to this point was my job. I was completely blindsided last Tuesday. I came in like normal and everything was fine, I was in the middle of lunch and my boss asked to speak to me when I got a chance so I put my fork of mac 'n cheese down and walked in and sat down with a smile on my face. I could have never braced myself for what was to come next. "I've been thinking about downsizing for awhile and feel its the time in my life to terminate your employment, effective immediately" as in, get your shit and get to steppin'. "I know it may be a little shock to you but I didn't know where this was going. There is a box for your things, take the rest of the week. I will give you a great reference and pay you through Friday" Are you fucking kidding me? I know she could read the floored expression on my face because she was all "I know this is bad timing with all you have going on but its just time" I sat there, wordless because this was the very last thing I was expecting and I said "I'm sorry I have no emotion, I am just floored" I walked out back and just cried. I was supposed to take this business over, this is all I know, I've been here for nine years. I guess I was more hurt that she was shady enough to handle it the way she did. What, you've been thinking about it for awhile but you can't give someone who is like a daughter to you a little heads up? Even a week? SOMETHING? I gathered myself and went back in and was all "can we just talk for a minute?" So I sat back down and asked if it was me. Was it something I did, didn't do or could be doing? It had to be me, you don't just lay someone off like that. She confirmed it wasn't me, that it was the time in her life and it had to be done. With that being said, I went in and put my nine years worth of things in a box. As I finished packing my desk and put my keys on it I told her I was leaving, she went to give me a hug. I just left, had she come to me and gave me a "hey, I'm going to close up shop you might want to start looking around" a few weeks ago, this all would have been fine. It was literally rock bottom for me. Since January, my husband and I have been separated, I was asked to leave where I was living, moved in somewhere else. Some of my family won't even look at me and then I lose my job. The worst has to be over now, I'm so ready to breathe again. I'm ready to be proud again. I know god doesn't give you more than you can handle and I know he's giving me all of this, because it might break someone else. He knows I'm a fighter and maybe this job thing is a good thing. Maybe I will get a job with benefits, make more, who knows. I have to think of it as good or I'll drive right into that lake I was talking about! kidding! I've been pounding the pavement job searching. In the first week I filed for unemployment, made a resume because of course I didn't have one and sent out twelve of them bitches. Things are already starting to look up. I went for my first interview yesterday and while its a new business, its exactly what I do. I think it's a good match and after 60 days I'll be making more than I did and have health benefits. Its also still in the area, a few of the jobs I've applied for have been in the city and I really don't want the commute but when you need a job, a commute is the least of your worries. I've never had to worry about where I'm going to get money to pay my bills, how I'm going to make the mortgage payment so when your faced with the harsh reality of that, nothing motivates you more. There is one good thing about rock bottom, once you've hit it, it gives you hope that it can only get better from here. You have no where else to go but up. I have moments of weakness, more here lately than ever but I remember that I am strong. I remember that I have friends who pick me up, every single time. I remember that the past doesn't control your future. I will get this job and get off my knees and back onto my own two feet. I will get my own place so I can have Lily more. I will be better. Rock bottom changes you, it makes shit real, it makes you better and its all in how you look at it because just when you think it can't get any better, it can.

Not all those who wander, are lost. (and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked me)

Just when things start to level themselves out, you get a fucking black eye. Really? It looks like someone straight up punched me right in the eye, cut on the eyebrow and all. I need a cool story other than what really happened, so I figure I'll go with Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked me. OR it was a crack drug deal gone wrong too soon? Actually, its entirely because I'm short. I was reaching for the mac&cheese on the very top shelf, next to a giant can of beans. Beans fell, busted me IN THE FACE and blood started pouring out. So, yeah. Chuck Norris kicking me is far better than a can of pork and beans attacking me. C'mon life, give a girl a break!

*****

I took the little to see The Lorax Sunday, it was actually pretty cute. It was a nice day out so I was assuming most people would not be at the movie theatre, I assumed wrong. After we spent a million dollars on popcorn and Pepsi we finally made our way into the crowded theatre. I didn't want to  sit up close because that's gay, so I scanned around and found two open seats on the end about half way up, perfect. We sit down and the jackhole behind perfect said seats is all "Really?" I looked back and he's got two kids with him and apparently I sat in the seat in front of one of the kids. Its god damn movie theatre guy, and stadium seats, and I have a three year old. After giving him the stink eye I was all "Yep". I mean, I'm not a giraffe, I'm just pushing 5 feet tall and if you want a crowd less movie, just stay your ass at home. I hate the seats at this theatre, they don't recognize Lily's whole 30 pound body and anytime she sit backs, it folds her into a sandwich so anytime I take her, I spend the ENTIRE movie holding her seat down so she doesn't go batshit crazy and fall in between, passing her the 100 pound Pepsi and licking glorious popcorn butter off my fingers. We're a hot mess but we have the best time. And its these little things that will stand out for her, and for me. I love when her conversations start with "Remember that time we.." I love giving her memories and seeing her turning into this beautiful girl she is becoming, soothes my soul.

*****
I haven't been home in two months and twelve days. I know through all of this I've made a lot of people unhappy, I've broken some hearts, some bridges have been burned and I have great remorse for anyone that I've hurt however I'd much rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I'm not. It's as simple as that. Above all, I try be considerate of others feelings while staying true to myself and that's really all I can do. If people want to be a part of your life, whether it be your new one and old one or a revised one, they will be in it. Much like when you have children, some people can't accommodate your new life and so, they fall short and phase themselves out. Much like I imagine of you were to find out someone really close to you, or perhaps your child, were gay. Some people can't handle it, so they don't. Just as you make your own choices, so do others. I feel like my situation is similar to that. I was unhappy. I left my husband on a quest to find myself. To find my way back to him. Hell, to find something anything that I felt would fill whatever void was within me. The people who have chosen to leave my side are expecting failure but they should know me better than that, its just not an option. I'm stable. I haven't missed any work, my bills are paid and up to date, my baby girl is healthy, happy and gets to see both of parents, albeit separately, but equally. I have a legion of unbiased support. I am not failing and you can't build up the weak, by bringing down the strong.  And while I have moments of sadness and weakness, moments where I let myself feel words spoken and see the hurt and disappointment on faces, I also have moments that I let happiness shine through. Maybe I'm not supposed to, maybe I'm supposed to feel like shit for the rest of my life, maybe I am supposed to fail but taking the little on mommy&me dates, talking for hours over wine with a dear friend, coffee surprisingly being delivered to work and the realization that this is my life and it can be whatever I want it to be, make me happy. When your back is against the wall, I've found that this is what you do: breathe. be thankful for what you DO have. Save your strength for things you can change. Forgive the ones you can't. The best remedies are sleep and laughter, well, and wine. Do what is right in your heart, whether it makes sense, whether its right or wrong. Because people will judge you always, no matter what and you are the only one who knows what is felt in your heart. And that's all that matters.

you carry the words around with you like spare change

I stopped taking my happy pills, or as I like to refer to them, my makes me lose 10 pounds and everyone thinks I'm on crack pills. No, seriously. They made me have no appetite at all and while some people are all, "I would LOVE to be on pills that make me lose weight" hi, have you met me? That was not a healthy weight for me. People literally thought I was on drugs, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that, give me a little credit, I have an irrational fear of becoming ugly and I'm pretty sure crack would make me ugly. I also have no idea where I would buy it or what you even do with it, lick it of the rim of a wine glass? The pills also made me pretty numb to any emotion, I felt like I walked around in a cloud. So, apologies to anyone that I blankly stared at as you tried to talk to me about life choices. It was the crazy pills and probably my ADD, but mostly the pills. The DR who prescribed them, or pushed them, advised that they would more or less calm your nerves and let you get your thoughts straight but I feel it altered them and when you're going through something so important, I feel you should be in your own state of mind, an unmedicated state of mind because feeling anything, any emotion is better than feeling nothing at all. It feels good getting healthy and getting back to me. Life is challenging in itself, throw in some crazy pills and you're in for a shitstorm of events but because of these trials and challenges, your strength is tested in a multitude of ways. Its amazing the things you can overcome and how a three hour chat over a glass of wine with a girlfriend one evening can re-charge you when you felt so beaten down. A few bridges have been burned and the smoke is starting to settle and it might be a long road to begin repairing them. Words can be very hurtful and can't be taken back. Forgiven? yes but forgotten, never. Choices have consequences. Rights have wrongs but sometimes, things aren't black and white. There can be so much grey area not seen by people. The bridges can be rebuilt. The hearts can be mended, they may always be bruised, but they will heal in time. For what its worth, its never too late to be whoever you want to be. To live a life you are proud of and if you find that you're not, to have the strength to start all over again. I'm still me. The door to my life, is always open to anyone who wants to come in.

I'm off to pick up my baby girl and enjoy the company of some friends then looking forward to a quiet weekend. Happy day, friends!